To ignore probable lies about physical abuse

[WhatsInAMolatovMocktail]

My Y6 DC told me after school today that another kid in Y6 (let's call them Alfie) has been saying their dad is hitting them at home, using this as an explanation for why Alfie has been causing trouble at school.

My DC was upset as we know Alfie and his parents pretty well. We haven't had much to do with each since the last lockdown because my DC and Alfie fell out (Alfie started being really unpleasant to my DC and spreading lies and rumours, so the friendship ended there).

Alfie had huge emotional problems during lockdown, obviously never quite understood what went wrong there but I never got the impression mum and dad were anything except concerned and supportive.

Given Alfie's history of lying, AIBU to ignore what my DC told me about Alfie saying his dad is hitting him? It seems so much more likely Alfie is making it up. If I told anyone - would I tell school? I really don't want to make a SS report for something that is probably nonsense.

But then again... AIBU?

Years ago my 9yo daughter was casual friends with a a young girl from what was considered the nightmare family out the back of ours. The girls were 8-9 and there was 3-5 adults and 6+ kids living in a 3 bed. Arguments, fights, vandalism, really grim behaviour all around. I would feed the kids when they came to mine, pass over clothes my kids had outgrown. One day my daughters friend said she had told a mother of a friend ( I was friends with the mum) that her uncle had been doing things to her and she didn't like it. She told her when she was 7 but she didn't do anything. I was horrified. Went to the mothers house and said is it true? You were made aware of abuse and did nothing? She said yeah, the kid is a known liar. I was livid. I reported it to the school, social services and the police the following day. 2-3 weeks later a huge police van turned up and put their door through. That poor girl was being sexually abused by her uncle and two brothers. And an adult in a position to stop it, had KNOWN and done nothing. Because the kid, to her, was a liar. But it was the abuse that had sent her that way.

Ah these years in my daughter is still friends with her and she is plagued with troubles and issues. And it could have been SO different. If you suspect abuse and do nothing, you are complicit in it.

Oh and just to clear up another uncomfortable truth - Alfie's Mum is also an abuser because if Alfie is telling the truth,she allows it to happen.

You factually report what your child told you to school.
Can't believe you are asking.

If you did report, and it was lies, and his parents are as supportive and caring as you think they are then what negative outcome would happen? Nothing. A positive one would be his parents are more aware of his struggling and he may be able to access the support that he obviously needs.

If you didn't report, and it was true, what negative outcome could happen? A child continues to be abused. How bad does the abuse get? Maybe he doesn't get killed as happens to many children who are let down in this country. Maybe he just grows up in an abusive household and then mimics those behaviours in relationships as he grows older.

Either way, what option is worse?

Of course you report it. Either it will transpire to be true or Alfie will learn an important lesson that lies have consequences.

Thanks everyone. I appreciate the very sensible advice. If I was on the voting side I would be absolutely in agreement without even a moment's hesitation.

But it's the first time ever I've been in a situation like this and because I know Alfie's mum well, I feel so conflicted - I would feel awful to heap more problems on her if I report and it's untrue - she already went through so much with Alfie. And frankly a bit selfishly worried she would find out I reported it and then hate me.

But you are all right; only an idiot uses the argument, "but they seem like nice people" to justify doing nothing.

It's pretty horrible to entertain the idea that your friends might be hitting their child nevertheless.

I guess I'm going to make a report to the safeguarding lead, very careful to mention it is hearsay but I feel I have to report.

Thanks again everyone.

You’re doing the right thing x

@carefullycourageous I know, I sound like a mug who hasn't absorbed a single message about abusers from all the many sources educating us about it.

I was weighing up the fact I know the scale of Alfie's lies in recent years has been verging on pathological.

I'm getting the message very loud and clear, and it's a really simple answer: I don't have any right or qualification to make a judgement; I report it and let wiser, responsible people figure it out.

I did a NC for this, but anyway I've never posted an AIBU before. When a whole bunch of strangers tells you something really bluntly.... wow. So much better than asking my DH who just ummms and ahhhhs!

Jesus christ

report to the school asap.

You have a duty of care towards this child to report what has been said to teh school, and they can then investigate. Most parents who abuse their kids look totally normal, nice and supportive from the outside - they don't look like monsters! He might not be lying because he has emotional needs - he might have emotional needs because he is being hit! Tell the school and they can take it from there. The family will never know where the info came from.

It’s not up to you to decide if this child is lying. Any responsible adult would report this (to school) and let professionals who know more safe guard when and if necessary.

no one believed a boy at my school either, he died 2 years later because his dad gpt angry and pushed him down the stairs. he was 9 years old at that point, a whole can of worms opened up after that apparently.

apparently even social services said he was just badly behaved

@Mangogogogo please don't cry. I'm going to report it. I was expecting people to say report it, kind of needed to hear lots of people tell me that I had to. I'm a reticent person, so it is quite a big thing for me to report friends over something I feel very uncertain about.

I get what you’re saying as I know a child who is a compulsive liar but you need to report it all of the time as one time it could be true.

your Job is to report it. The school and social services will have policies on what to do. This will include investigation - and if things are fine, then that’s what they will find. Another option - of not investigating when abuse is happening, is not worth risking.

Tell the school. Ask to speak to their DSL.

Ffs never ignore a child disclosing this!! I'm safeguarding lead at my school and the issues you say about the child scream "these are red flags!".

You CAN NOT assume a child is lying!! You have a duty to report to school!

Flip! So many warning signs. Even without any mention of hitting or abuse, a kid does not become a massive liar "verging on pathological" for no reason! This in itself tells me that all is not well in that house and little Alfie needs someone to step in.

Poor little Alfie. He wasn't born a liar, so what has happened to the poor little man. Most kids don't have behavioural difficulties and tell lies for know reason. Even if dad isn't hitting him (and my guess is that he is, or someone else on the family is, or dad/mum is hitting the other) he has enough going on to mean something isn't right

Please please don't think "oh but the mum seems really nice so it can't be true". Abusers pretty much always seem nice. Sometimes they genuinely do have a nice side. But that doesn't mean they aren't abusing. In my professional life I've worked with lots of abusers. Many if them seem lovely, doesn't change what they were convicted of, or their guilt.Even if they do seem like they'd have been great people to hang out with (if I'd not known what they'd done and had met them in another capacity), that doesn't mean they are nice behind closed doors.

Parents lie. Parents make it seem OK. I suffered terribly as a child because my parents couldn't possibly be lying could they? Ellie Butler anyone?

Report.

I used to say my mum hit me, but that's because I didn't realise there was a difference between hitting and a good smack on the bottom when I was being naughty.

But inform school nonetheless. It'd be terrible if something happened to him and you had kept it to yourself.

I was badly abused as a child. Once I desperately reached out to my friend's mum and she promptly declared me a liar and marched me back home to tell my parents what I'd said! I was nearly killed that night.

There isn't a difference, it is all physical abuse, the distinction is false.

You have a duty of care to report this. Safeguarding is everyone's responsibility. I agree that you should inform the DSL at school but my advice is for you personally to ring it in to your local children's services. Alfie told your son, your son told you, if you tell the school and they ring it in it becomes 3rd hand information. You should report, the school will also report which will back up your concern and hopefully the root of the problem will be found. I'm a DSL at a primary school and this would be my advice to a parent calling in this situation.

I would call children’s services and also tell school. Never assume that services are joined up and working together in the way they should, or that it will be dealt with within the correct timeframe, particularly in the current climate. This is how vulnerable people fall though the cracks. I worked in safeguarding role for vulnerable young adults and was horrified by how long it took to hear back in some cases - and I have called to chase up before, regarding physical abuse allegations, and been told “it’s still in the triage pile” 😟

If school are on the case then they can chase up the referral if necessary- this isn’t your job, you are doing your bit by reporting to start with and you can do so anonymously. I also wouldn’t worry that social services are going to swoop in and that dramatic things will happen, as that is also very unlikely, but they should investigate and speak to school and GP as well as parents and the child themselves.

As previous posters have said, you could be sharing information that could be the missing piece in a puzzle that is already being put together, or giving a puzzle piece that will be helpful at a later date. I know it is daunting though but you don’t actually have a choice now that you have this information, unless you want to risk being complicit in child abuse.