AIBU? To find some comments hard to digest

[Athenatina]

Scenario 1: I took baby to an event in a children's centre for the first time. Baby was a bit upset in the morning and we only arrived 40 minutes before the closure. We still had a lovely time. Baby fussed a bit and the organiser offered him a rice cake which magically calmed him down. She said because I contacted her that we were coming she bought this baby food for us. I expressed my appreciation kindly. Then this woman commented that when they organise events they just ask parents to bring their own snacks. Then she kept going: "These little packs are quite expensive". The organiser said she doesn't mind. Then she kept going: "But they do add up don't they?" I started to realise she was targeting at me. The organiser said again she doesn't mind. My baby only had two of these rice cakes and it took me one hour to get here, although I said nothing. At the end, she again tried to hurry us up to leave and said next time try to be early, these people need to go home.
I didn't know how to come back at the time as it took me a while to realise she was targeting me and to be honest it was a bit hard to believe as well. It however stuck with me afterwards. I don't know how to come back at comments like that.

Scenario 2: I was pushing the pram on a quiet road where there are parked cars everywhere, I was wheeling on the right side waiting for a gap of parked cars to go to the pavement. There was no upcoming traffic until a woman with a skateboard bike came along. She shouted as she was avoiding me: you do realise you're not a car?! I found her a bit ridiculous, she is not a car either but we all have rights to use the road don't we? Then she shouted again after having passed, get off the road! Again, I don't know how to come back to it although I find it really rude. I don't want to disturb baby so I said nothing. It stuck with me though until this very day.

Scenario 3: I took baby to a class where I left baby for a bit and a girl came to him and they were interacting quite close when I was back. I stopped my baby touching the girl's face several times but he kept going. Then he tried to grab her clothes at the shoulder and I was busy pulling his hands away. Her mum finally appeared and swiftly pulled the girl off by arms and turned away without talking to me, she commented at the girl: are you still alive?!
I don't think the girl was even touched and she did not try to get away from my boy and there's an adult watching to make sure they're safe. Then it happened the second time in the session as the other mum was too busy chatting with other mums her girl came to me to play with us. She took her away abruptly again although later I saw her girl getting very close to the babies whose mum she was chatting to. I'm new to the class, but I felt a bit strange this mum did not have the courtesy to even say hello to me. Or should I have said something? I didn't find any opportunities. I did tell her the second time when she was taking her kid that I'll make sure she's safe. I was obviously ignored.

It sounds like you take every small comment personally

I wouldn't sweat it OP - there are nasty/miserable people in all walks of life, it sounds like you have unfortunately come across some of them recently that's all.

Try not to fret over little things - if these scenarios are as you describe you did nothing wrong. Or if it makes you feel better you could just tell the woman on the skateboard for instance to "fuck off"! I'm in my 40's now and have no trouble telling rude/passive aggressive people where to go - but it only came with age and experience!

So the woman at the children’s centre was just another attendee - not one of the organisers? Why didn’t you tell her to find her own damn business? I hate these Head Girl types who think it’s their duty to take charge.

I get the impression these comments happened over a long period, OP, not all recently- is that right?

If so then honestly, I think the issue is your reaction and the fact that they have stayed with you. People say all sorts of things- because they have an agenda or worries of their own or are having a bad day or whatever. None of the comments you've described seems to me to be worth more than a moment's thought and I'd therefore suggest that you try to put them out of your mind completely rather than get to the bottom of what was meant or how you should have replied. I think this can simply be done through a practice of thought- each time you think about it, say to yourself "people are odd" (or similarly trite and dismissive remark) and just dismiss the thought. I think constantly going over this sort of thing becomes a negative habit and it's one you can break, but you need to make a conscious effort to do so.

Why did you leave your baby alone at a baby class?

I was also confused by this, I'm hoping OP meant she went to the edge of the room to get something from her bag and could still see baby/was still in the room while she was away.

Thank you for telling me this! I'd much rather this was the case than thinking people were targeting me or being unkind for no reason.

Oh, I went to the next room to get a fruit pouch and came back after about 20 seconds.

To be honest, I think you need to develop a thicker skin. Being a mother is not easy and you will face a lot worse as your child grows up.

I say this kindly, you can't go through motherhood thinking every comment is a personal attack on you. It's hard not to dwell sometimes but it's honestly better if you can try and shake things off, they're only small things in the grand scheme of things.

The mom in scenario 3 was probably annoyed at her daughter disappearing out of sight constantly rather than the baby trying to touch her

You seem quite sensitive OP, and worry about small things. I promise you, all of the things you describe are "normal" small issues, and don't deserve another thought.

All within the last three months? And that is when I take baby out more often recently.

Three incredibly minor, barely worth mentioning, incidents in three months? Yeah, this isn't an issue. Your extreme reaction could become an issue though if you don't start letting things go.

Just as a tip: I would not leave the room even for 20 seconds without my baby, in a room full of other people’s children. As you’ve seen - people do not always supervise your children! 20 seconds is all it would take for a horrendous accident to occur - child jumps on your baby, child pokes your baby in the eye etc, rams a sweet in her mouth. really not worth it!

*their children

I'm assuming if 'baby' was eating and grabbing then they weren't that little and could be left in a safe spot. Beyond that, I agree with others that none of this is worth thinking about for another moment.

I don't understand how the woman was on a skateboard AND a bike though.

@Pinkdelight3

you'd be surprised. I’ve heard some pretty shocking things

What’s a skateboard bike??
Sounds like your anxiety is quite OP, I get the dark way sometimes. Are you with any mental health services etc? I’m with perinatal still and have emotional skills workshops and they’re really useful for things like this.

Some people are idiots. Forget about it.

Scenario 1 in the children’s centre - you were late to a session but I remember the struggle to get places on time with my first baby. The snacks is no big deal, the organiser offered, you accepted. It sounds to me more like some sort of thing between the ‘snacks are expensive’ woman 5was she also staff?) and the organiser, or the ‘snack are expensive’ woman is just a difficult personality full stop.

Scenario 2: skateboarder was an idiot. Ignore.

Scenario 3: also an idiot. Ignore.

When mine was little, many many people had many, many opinions....

Her shoes weren’t supportive enough and the soles didn’t have adequate grip (she was 6 weeks old).
I shouldn’t use a sling as it would crush her
She should be on solid food at 4 months as she was “too small”
I should feed her more.
I should feed her less.
My car was unsuitable.
I shouldn’t be on a train with her in case she cried and disturbed others - so inconsiderate (she was asleep at the time)
She shouldn’t be outside on a sunny morning because sunburn
She should be outside all day without sunblock for the vitamins.

There were loads of others. Some were probably right but none were actually helpful.

Basically, you can’t do right for doing wrong and you’ve become fair game for well-meant advice, AND you get to be around other parents who you’ve never met before - some are nasty, some are knackered, some are missing being Important.

Thank you so much for telling me this!

I've actually already done something I regret. Baby is almost 1 and very securely attached to me so sometimes I leave him on the floor 10 meters to fetch water in a spaced baby class no issues. But then I went too far and left him in a baby cafe to get out of the door to check where daddy went, when I was back I was greeted with daddy and baby picked up by someone as he back arched and hit the floor. He does that to get my attention when I leave him while he needed me...

I don't know why people are so rude to mothers. I also remember how stressful it was when mine were little and people constantly making comments and being rude. For the most part, I just ignored it but it's so hard especially for first time mums who may be struggling anyway.

When my son was a toddler for example, he used to absolutely refuse to wear a coat, so I'd wrap him up in jumpers and a fleece and take his coat just in case, but every single day when we went out "Ooh, isn't he cold?", "Doesn't he have a coat?". How is that supposed to be helpful? Does he look cold? Because I don't know a toddler who'd be happily running around playing if they were uncomfortable.

Seems the official name is electrical scooter, I just made the name up because that was my closest guess! Sorry 😅Hmm, it's quite revealing to hear the prospectives from netmums, because when I talk with DH about it he thought these were just racism. Well it's clearly not if these are normal to most of us. How interesting. I guess we just can't expect every stranger to treat us that nicely although most of them do.