Will we see each other again

[leonardo871]

I can be anxious during new relationships due to past trauma.
I see therapist once per week. I have been dating someone new for two months.

AIBU to think that him arranging a date for Saturday and not confirming details yet (place, time) by today means he could not interested? He has texted me only once today and it was to reply to a message I sent yesterday. He messages every other / third date only.

I am fully prepared to take some hard roasting here in reining in my anxiety or being told he is not interested.

Yes, unless he cancels in the next 5 hours.

Which, 90 minutes after me posting that, he has just done, claiming a high temperature but negative covid test.

You said he was flaky - what are you going to do about him?

Hope you have other plans 🌹

You said he was flaky - what are you going to do about him?^

I said I hope he gets better soon, and otherwise, I'm ignoring him. He doesn't deserve my time. I have other irons in the fire,in particular on Saturday night, and he's more reliable.

Formatting has gone weird...

Sounds good to me, on to the next. How do I make my text unitallic

Sounds good.
The ones that act flakey like this I find are often married. (Theres my anxious assumptions again...)

Good luck on Saturday

The ones that act flakey like this I find are often married.

Yes there's something not right there. Still, not the weirdest I've seen on OLD.

I still do not think you can have any idea what you are dealing with until the fullness of time kicks in.

I really do not want to message my guy tonight incase I do not get a reply. No work at all today. Trying to put it to the back of my mind. 😔

Word *

Adopt this general rule of thumb for an easy life.

If a guy wants to be with you; you know. He won't allow you to question it.

This is my experience, it's what I've witnessed time and again, it's what dating coaches tell you, and it's the truth.

Yep. He is not interested. He could at least let me know. Instead of silence most of the week.

Honestly OP - this is no way to live.

Seeing someone is supposed to be fun. It’s supposed to add something to your life.

You don’t sound happy.

The PP who said you don’t sound ready for a relationship is bang on - it’s the first thing I thought when I read your OP.

Kindly - this chap hasn’t done anything wrong. He is oblivious to your obsessing. You are sending yourself into a spiral. And lastly - you cannot possibly convince me that being single wouldn’t bring you a lot more peace and equilibrium than, well, this.

I agree. I am just going to leave it. And dating in general. 💐

I messaged this morning to ask what the plans were. He got back in touch with a few date options for Saturday. Including one cooking at his house. I think I am going to choose the sushi option.

😊

Ahh good to hear op, so it appears he is keen and you were overthinking, maybe your communication styles aren't compatible?
A pp had a good way of bringing this up in conversation when you see him Saturday.
Good luck!

Yes I am going to bring it up. Not quite sure how to bring it up - any suggestions?

I have my therapist appointment tonight so going to run some things past her regarding my anxiety this week and how it all made me feel.

I mean this kindly because I've been like this but you are massively overthinking. I can see you're trying not to do this but its difficult due to anxiety/attachment style.

But you need to get yourself into a state of mind where you really don't give a what he thinks. I know that's easier said than done for an overthinker. But its really really important that you take control of the narrative in your own head.

At the moment you think every interaction is make or break. You think he will judge you for the frequency of your communication or the kinds of message you send. This isn't unusual so beat yourself up but its also completely unrealistic and not relevant.

A person who genuinely likes you and wants to be with you won't care how you communicate because it will work for them. A person who judges you on the basis of having sent some emojis is not the right person..

You probably know this deep down but you need to make this almost a religious mantra. Say it to yourself in your own head if you have to. You are literally brainwashing yourself out of this anxious mindset.

As long as you are second guessing his thoughts, questioning yourself etc you will never really be in control of this. If you're becoming very anxious, walk away from it and come back to it in a few days. But above all know that in the scheme of things none of these little interactions really amount to anything.

Sorry don't know where the bloody italics came from!

He might also be thinking you're not that interested as the way I read it the last 2 texts he sent you you replied with emojis. Maybe you could also use some words

Great advice.

Never thought of it like that.

I think that´s it. You need to talk about it. Not just wait for him to make decisions. Make a suggestion for the following date too.

Tbh if someone I text replies with emojis I assume they aren't actually interested in carrying on a conversation. I don't reply to emoji only texts because what do you say to an emoji!? You are effectively shutting off conversation doing that.

In reflection I agree - I do not think I am particularly forthright with my communication. The PP about suggestion subsequent date ideas is spot on It is very interesting how I somehow absorbed this passive, men choose and take charge - they decide which direction the relationship moves and I just have to sit back and be a mere spectator.

I am not sure where excatly this pattern of anxiety started - but I think it was going to a socially elite University where all the woman were gorgeous and I felt like an outsider and I was never 'picked' to date. I was from a deprived background and could never afford all the lovely hair, makeup, clothes and shoes that they all had. I remember going to a ball and having to get a loan of a dress and they were all wearing beautiful gowns and one of the guys just smirked at me. I left and just went home. One of my friends at the time said I was the Primark version of her. I think those years did a huge number of my self esteem and it has been hard to accept it caused me to be in an awful pattern of validation from men to make up for the lack in those formative years.