Will we see each other again

[leonardo871]

I can be anxious during new relationships due to past trauma.
I see therapist once per week. I have been dating someone new for two months.

AIBU to think that him arranging a date for Saturday and not confirming details yet (place, time) by today means he could not interested? He has texted me only once today and it was to reply to a message I sent yesterday. He messages every other / third date only.

I am fully prepared to take some hard roasting here in reining in my anxiety or being told he is not interested.

Well I’m ancient so bearing that in mind. When I first met my now ex dh he didn’t have a phone in his house never mind a mobile so I’m out of touch with texting etiquette. I’m sorry to say you would drive me mad. Leave him alone. If he wants to take you out on Saturday he will text and make arrangements if not he won’t. But if he leaves it too late tell him you’re busy.

@Testina
I had been to a candlelight violin concert on Tuesday - so I sent him a clip with a candle emoji.

He then texted me to say 'that looked wonderful
And I hope you had a good time'.

I then messaged heart eye emoji... 😍

To which understandably there has been no response. He is maybe too stunned by heart eye emoji.

😍

This is what I mean.

This is why he gets none of this and I post for advice to tell me to get a grip 😂 before I mess up another early dating / taking phase.

@JaceLancs

I agree with keeing it light and casual. He has never texted me much. I even remember the day on our first date - he sent me 'look forward to meeting you' - I replied with emoji love heart and I swear I heard nothing until he was at the place we were meeting. I actually started sweating at one point that he was standing me up as he had not been online for an hour or two.

Yes, that is ridiculous. But I understand the urge!
I would say it helps to remind yourself that it is never a good idea to text and tell someone they’re not interested.

Either decide to break the silence yourself, or decide the silence is permanent - and that’s in your control.

You can either just ghost if someone has gone a period with messaging (say a week, whatever works for you) or if that’s hard for you or you like a closure message, have a stock, “oh hi - thanks for your message. It’s been a while so this has fizzled out for me - good luck with meeting someone.” type message. (the meeting someone bit was appropriate for me as it was all people who were online dating)

Or, just go ahead and message and make the plans.

Hi OP. @leonardo871 - I was a very very anxious person in relationships for about a decade - until I had therapy so I have a lot of things I can relate to here and I can tell you what worked for me. (I am now happily married!)

Firstly - you are wise to have recognised your anxious attachment style - the problem with this is it makes it hard for you to see the wood for the trees/ to recognise when someone is untrustworthy/ simply a poor match for you or if you are anxiously expecting to be let down because of your own lack of self worth.

I'm sure you have heard of the term hyper vigilance. you are hyper vigilant to threat - to the idea that someone will let you down/ be unreliable/ hurt you - while other people may be aware of that risk they will more calmly just think - oh well if this guy turns out to be a dick Ill end it.

One of the thought patterns I became aware of was that instead of thinking that I was panicking that I would be mistreated.

Yes this guy may not be right for you - you can only discover that with time! He genuninely may be someone who doesn't text much - how is he in person? Has he spoken to you about how he feels about you/ what he thinks about the relationship at all?

You have to be realistic about your needs. While you can deal with the over anxious mind you are also going to need someone committed open and kind. Some women might not mind a flirty/ flakey partner if they are good in other ways - but that wouldn't have worked for me and it won't work for you.

Decide what your boundaries are - talk them through with your therapist !

Accept that it may take a few more weeks to work out if this guy is committed and kind enough to be with - I don't personally think texting is the sign of that but it may mean you are not matching in temperamant.

Set yourself a month of noting how his behaviour makes you feel and talk through with therapist - if he is kind and caring in person and you feel you know where you stand - maybe the texting doesn't matter. My husband isn't a big text/ whatsapp communicator but I am - doesn't mean we are not well suited.

However if this guy makes you feel crap and worried a lot of the time - you may need to have an open conversation and say you personally need a bit more commitment. If he is the right guy he will be okay with that.

I don’t really get the heart eye emoji, my husband and I send that to each other in “I love you” type of messages. But no big deal, that seems like a fairly normal exchange.

I think Wednesday was a bit too soon to worry about the finer details of plans for Saturday, but I would maybe like to get a clearer idea by end of day today.

Don’t send the “clearly you are not interested” message, that is just plain embarrassing.

Oh the violin concert sounds amazing! I’d date you 😍
If you chose to go to Bach’s 2 violins concerto in D, upgrade the date to marriage ☺️❤️

@Aprilx Thank you for that reminder. Yes it is embarressing.

@Testina I had been to a cello and piano recital on Saturday and be seemed to love that news. You can be next in line if this does not work out... I will keep you posted 😉

I don't think there's anything wrong here. Just let him be. Some people are just not big testers (me included). I find it very distracting to have constant messages and will happily go without exchanging texts for a few days. You will put him off if you text too much. I'd leave it until Friday, then text 'What's the plan for tomorrow then?' If you haven't heard from him.

oh and please don't send that message. I say this kindly but that is immature and unfair on him. If you want to communicate that you are unhappy with how much he contacts you - why don't you use this as an exercise in learning to communicate your needs.

When you meet at the weekend say - I'm quite a texter how about you?

Or - say ' I wans't sure if you were that keen on meeting as I didn't hear from you'

Or - just accept that you need time to get to know what his communication style means - and be open about how you feel?

Thank you so much for this. I am going to re-read this throughout the day. Texting IS a very poor way of assessing interest.

I have seen posts on here where the guy has been very good in messaging and promises; only to go cold and reduce communication after intercourse. Which is just so sad.

I am hypervigilant. I had been friends with a really odd woman for a few years who seemed to push an odd narrative onto me whilst dating - and it did not help. My therapist made me see she was making dating alot harder for me by messaging me 'hows James (insert any generic name)', 'have you heard from him yet' - very early on in dating.

I will not send any message of the sort.

I’m not sure actually. To be honest that’s who you are, you want to send it, it’s how you react. I think just send it. Becayse there is no point pretending to be some one you are not, or something you aren’t.

At some point you will cause drama, needlessly, so let him see who you are now, if he does a runner, then so be it, better to know now than to have him leg it in a month. at some point the neediness/anxiety will become apparent and it’s unlikely you can keep it hidden to a stage where he’s in so deep he will stick with it, so either he’s the sort who can deal with this, or he isn’t. If he isn’t then best for you to know now.

Are you sure you’re ready to be dating? If you’re having to get strangers to “talk you down from sending a you’re not interested” text because the exact details of a date HALF A BLOODY WEEK away haven’t been confirmed, it doesn’t seem like you are. It’s highly manipulative behaviour. I think you need to do a lot of work on yourself.

Agreed. Thank you.

Why should it always be down to the man?! A relationship is a 2 way thing, men are normally more relaxed about things than women. My oh always wonders why I need to know what's going on a few days ahead when realistically other than booking things you can't do anything until the day.
If the texting pattern hasn't changed I wouldn't worry too much. My oh isn't a big texter, he says if it's important pick up the phone!

I would most definitely text him today to confirm the plans for the date.
It´s not needy if you need the information to sort out your plans for the weekend.
Make it clear that you have your own life and are not at his beck and call for last minute plans.

Something like: What time and where are we meeting on Saturday? I need to sort out my plans for the day.

I don´t text a lot. At all. Anyone. But I always make sure I know what I´ll be doing and where I´m going in good time.
And I prefer to discuss it, broadly, when arranging the dates in person.
Always better, IMO, to make it a joint plan than to wait on him to dictate what´s going to happen.

Are you heading on your date tonight @EBearhug

How have your 2nd date plans gone?

Are you heading on your date tonight @EBearhug

Yes, unless he cancels in the next 5 hours.

Good luck - whats the plans?

Completely agree with those saying that it's fine to text him to confirm Saturday plans. I don't think him not having contacted you about it yet is a problem but I don't see what's wrong with a light message such as - hey, just planning my weekend, are we still on for Saturday?

What makes his communication style take priority over yours? If you have different styles, there's a compromise to be had but it shouldn't mean you stressing about it and holding back from messaging him. You're hardly sending him 100s messages per day - it's one message to firm up plans. Totally fine!

I'm a planner and like to know what I'm doing a few days in advance. There's no way that I wouldn't know my weekend plans by Wednesday so even with my more spontaneous, last minute, friends I'll try and get a skeleton of a plan together to satisfy my need to know what's going on while keeping the flexibility they need.

Good luck - whats the plans?
Meet in the pub. It's a place where I often go for a walk, because it's great scenery round there, so I might do that first, given the time of year and when the sun goes down.