Lifelong single and loneliness…. (If you have advice or tips to be happy being single)

[AllAloneInThisHouse]

Name change because I’m embarrassed…

Never been in a relationship, never been loved and I was doing pretty well until my 30’s.
Now it’s been just ever growing lonliness and it has become a reality that I’ll be alone forever.

I’ve search and read all ’reasons to be happy being single’ type of articles and threads, but honestly, they’re not helping much.

Most of the reasons are happy to have remota and watch what I want and eat whenever I want etc….
And obvious stuff like cheating or abuse.

I just can’t get much of solace from that.
Maybe it’s different when you can compare bad expirience to better/ safety……

Are there anyone else who never been in a relationship or single not by their choice?

Or any advice?

I was you, up until the grand age of 38. Never had a relationship, barely any dates and as much as I told myself I was happy, I wasnt. Not desperately unhappy but not content either, always felt like something was missing. I do think there's element of a 'vibe' I used to give off, even had some bloke tell me in a club that I was giving off a desperate vibe (charming!). I think I was about 35 when I came to peace with it and just started trying to enjoy life a bit more, found some hobbies and as cliched as it sounds just be happy being me.

Was 38 when I met my now DH via OLD, been married 2 years now. Kids haven't happened for us and am now too old I think (46) but I've now found the happiness I was looking for.

I would just say stop looking for it, try to come to peace with being single. You're not a freak, some people never meet anyone, some people meet someone later in life. It doesn't matter. Just be yourself. My best friend has never been in a relationship and she's in her 50s now, perfectly content. My aunt was the same but she met and married in her late 50s. If you're not bothered about kids then there's definitely no hurry.

Why do you say you would not be a good mum?

Are you unhappy in your life generally?

I’m the same as you! 30s and always single. Except even though I do get lonely sometimes, I am more single by choice. The way I see it, right now I don’t know anyone who I’d want to be in a relationship with, so my choice at the moment is to be single or to be with the wrong person. No contest for me - being single is preferable, so I’m living my best life right now, from the available options.
PM me if you like :-)

I wonder if the key is to have a passion, a purpose? To many people that may be to have children, others to write, to compose music, to run a community food bank or to study a specific kind of bug in the wild! Something that they can become an expert in, or make a difference to.

I was single for a long time. A few short relationships, nothing too long term. I was lonely. The novelty of choosing your own TV show, eating what you want wears off quickly

Now happily married. The one thing I do really miss about being single is this - I used to do a trip every Autumn to visit friends and family. Different route each time. Two weeks, spending a night or two with lots of different people. A great way to keep in touch with them, meet their friends / partners / family, and get to know some of my own distant family better. I don't do those trips any more. My DH (understandably) has limited interest in meeting my third cousin / ex-neighbour / former colleague and I tend to keep my limited annual leave to enjoy holidays with him. But I have lots of fond memories of those trips

@AllAloneInThisHouse you aren't alone. I'm 40 and never been in a relationship... infact I imagine I can "one-up" on that front.

It's not always been such an issue. I've had my moments where I'm incredibly sad and moments where 'it is what it is'. Recently it's been more sad for me. Mainly, I think, because there is someone I like but that in turn makes you think about all the stuff that goes with relationships that you know nothing about and personally it makes me retreat because I'm embarrassed. Because I'm 40 and I should know this stuff.

I do have self-esteem issues because I've never been 'wanted' or loved. That doesn't help. And I know we're supposed to love ourselves first but it would be nice to know that someone thought I was attractive, or funny, or had some kind of connection with me. And I clearly have other issues that need resolving.

I don't know if I'd class myself as 'lonely' but it would be nice to have a partner - even for the mundane stuff like going to Tesco!

I know people mean well when they say 'it ain't all it's cracked up to be'. It really doesn't console us tho. Yes, there are miserable married people, I know that (I read threads on here for a start!). But most likey at some point they've also experienced the happiness that also comes from having a relationship. I've had neither.

I don't have any answers for you but just know you aren't the only one who feels this way 💐

I was single for a very long time. In part it was easier for me to accept because in my mid 30s I had an absolutely crappy and godawful relationship. I was the loneliest I have ever been in that relationship. Being lonely on your own is one thing but there is something intensely soul destroying about being lonely when you're with someone who you know should, in theory, be making you feel wanted and needed. So I accepted being single because I knew it was much better than some alternatives.

I settled into being single by having many friends. A few of those are really close friends I can share a lot with. Then in my mid 40s, when I had stopped looking, I met someone great for me. We don't live together though, so I think women can get a better deal by not living together.

This resonated with me LTRs are at best workable partnerships with companionship but without much excitement or sparkle. In very rare cases they are genuinely good friendships. In an awful lot of cases they are just hardened codependencies based on habit and insecurity. And they are far more valuable to men than to women.

I'd say I'm lucky to have a partner and companion who is also my absolute best friend. Is it exciting? Well not in the traditional sense. I wouldn't say there are fireworks, but for me there is something much deeper. My parents however have the hardened co-dependency that does neither of them any good. That helps me see that if I'm ever single again, it won't be a bad thing.

@ButtonBound

Thank you for writing that.
Pretty much all of it resonated with me.

”Funny” that you mentioned mundane stuff, once when I had to buy a new frying pan, there was a couple getting one too and they just seemed like a team going back and forth which one would be best and I had to actually leave and go back once they had left.
It just made me so sad and lonely.
I still have that sad ess that there will never be our frying pan.

But crucially, they have a go to person in each other, for holidays, days out, Christmas and the day to day support you might (if you're lucky) get from a partner. So, my advice, meet other single women

I agree with this. Especially as you get older as women can be highly supportive to each other (and menfolk seem to get grumpier and have more of a fixed mindset).

I know a mixed group of people, older than you are, who are all single.
I know two didnt want to be single[one who has had relationships and one who hasnt], plus two others. One, I dont think minds being single, I dont know about the other lady].
My point is, with one who never wanted to be single, she says the group saved her. They are all in the same boat, albeit with different feelings about it.
They enjoyed going on holiday with each other from time to time.

Having a singles group of friends may help you a bit?

@moomintrolls

I’m really introvert and don’t really like loud noises and seeing lots of people is not something I want to do.

And I worry about the world and future a lot, not sure I should bring more people into this mess.

But no, I don’t think I’m unhappy.
Why did you ask?

Kids - okay that is all fair enough

Unhappy - I asked because if you are generally happy I'm wondering what it is that you need a partner for?

And if there is some intrinsic need to pair up, and share your happiness, then you should get out there and do it, but there would be absolutely no rush for you since you have no biological clock to worry about and no unhappiness void to fill, so you can afford to be choosey.

Hi OP.

I'm 37 and I feel the same way, I'm embarrassed, bitter and hurt that my life has turned out this way. It doesn't help that I have zero single friends. Like you I'm an introvert and I hate noise (username!!) If you're an intro does it help if you love your own company as much as I do? That maybe as much as you want a partner you don't actually need one? Even though I know nothing will fill that heavy, empty hole in your heart. I'm just trying to live well with loads of exercise and getting outside up nice and early for a walk in a forest or somewhere lovely and serene etc, eating well and trying to be kind to myself then treating myself to a bottle of wine and a crispy bacon sandwich on a Sunday or something... I've accepted I'm just going to live my life quietly and peacefully and if I do end up randomly meeting Mr Right somehow then great and if not well it's not the only area of my life. I'm continuing to secure myself financially as much as possible, appreciating my beautiful home that won't get messed up by some bloke leaving his shit everywhere and concentrating on relaxing hobbies. Just little things. Yes sometimes I crash and burn and have a good cry because loneliness is awful but I'll soon find something to cheer myself up with. Highly recommend funny cat videos on YouTube! Rely on your humour even if you're just laughing by yourself. One final thing I remind myself of is this - every relationship I've ever been in even with the good ones - all made my life harder and more irritating anyway x

Aaaah, okey.

I’ve neen happy, I’ve been unhappy, but isin’t that life?

I’m not looking for anyone to make me happy.

But I would like a partner and companion, to share a life with.
I don’t think that’s too unusual….

@FuckingNoise

Thank you for your message.

And the positivity and the ideas.

It sounds like you're would like a companion, so what I would say is - don't give up on that!

Join clubs, hobby groups, sports or meetup groups, Online dating, singles holidays, etc. Church/religious groups if that is your thing.

It's exhausting as an introvert to keep putting yourself out there, but it only takes once to meet that special person.

If you have social anxiety issues, try to access some counselling.

OP, there just have to be some nice men out there wh are looking for exactly what you are looking for. I knew a man (ages ago) who had a good job, a lovely house 9quite trad and suburban) and so desperately wanted the ordinary life of a wife to potter about with at weekends but he just didn't know how to approach women. He was shy and in his thirties.

I think in your position I might join an OLD app and ask are there any shy or introverted men out there who are looking for a simple, companionable life with a woman? That way you'd weed out the sleazy ones and attract the ones who don't normally think they'd be a woman's first choice.

And I would definitely join something like Spice which is an activities based group rather than a dating agency but pretty full of single people who are looking for love without the pressure of dating strangers. Having the activity helps.

Firstly you’re only in your 30’s, so a bit too soon to despair of never getting to be in a relationship just yet. Secondly if/when you do find yourself coupled up with someone you’ll probably find yourself on here moaning about your fella for a hundred different things and it is only then that you will appreciate your life as a singleton. For that reason I will never regret any of my past relationships, especially my marriage (because that gave me my wonderful children), but God do I value my life as a single woman now. For me it’s the freedom I love, having absolutely no one to answer to, being able to go anywhere I like at any time without being questioned, having no one to bring me down with their bad moods, to piss me off with their annoying habits, to consider when I do the food shop or plan my weekend. I just feel so much more relaxed being single, and maybe I’m actually a bit controlling or something but the thought of having to discuss what sort of frying pan I should buy with someone would definitely not fill me with joy, quite the fucking opposite!

@PinkSyCo

If by the age 36 one hasn’t ever been in a relationship, I think it’s pretty safe to say it may not ever happen.

I mean that’s all I know, my system doesn’t have the expirience that someone wants to be my partner.

At what age is someone like allowed to believe what is happening?

I’m also not sure are you just being rude with the rest of your message…?

I get you, OP. I have actually had relationships in the past but not in recent years. I’m also a quiet introvert who enjoys my own company and is happy to go and do anything alone. Which of course doesn’t make it easy to meet people.

But I think what really brought the loneliness home to me was the lockdowns, and also being really frighteningly ill with a couple of bad health scares. Luckily they eventually turned out to be nothing very serious, but it was really hard getting myself to the hospital 20 miles away when I wasn’t allowed to drive and couldn’t walk the couple of miles to the bus stop, and I ended up having to pay £25 each way for taxis whenever I had to go, which I couldn’t really afford. And of course I had nobody to hold my hand or help advocate for me at the hospital.

it’s easy to say I should have more of a social network, I suppose. I do have friends but none I could impose on to the extent of spending hours at hospitals with me. I come from a very dysfunctional family and keep them very much at arms length, and they live miles away anyway.

And everything’s so much more expensive when you’re single. I have my dream job and I’m absolutely passionate about it, and it is a large part of what gives me purpose in life, but it will never pay well.

I know relationships are hard, I have had them. And I know for straight women (I’m not) they often do seem dragged down by the men when they get older. But it’s also true that loneliness is a killer. And that some of us just lead lonely lives and no amount of telling us that we just need to build a better group of friends will ever help when it’s that deep familial belonging that we crave.

OP I didn't have a serious relationship until my mid 30s. I'd had occasional short-term flings, but that was just about sex, it wasn't about anyone wanting to be with me. That first relationship was a big mistake. Then there was a period of over a decade, during which there was an FWB for about a year, nothing more. Then towards the end of my 40s I did finally meet someone who actually wanted to be with me. And it did take me a long time to get over the weirdness of actually having a partner.

I think the difficulty is that in order to meet someone and get together with them you have to be open to the possibility. But in order to protect yourself against dashed hopes, and the very real prospect that it might never happen, you have to shut yourself off. I'd known my now partner for over a year as a friend before we got it together, because that's how long it took me to open up to him.

I do think there is a large amount of luck in meeting the right person at the right time and for people who've actually been lucky, they don't see that element. That said, it isn't entirely luck. I did take up a hobby that has slightly more men than women. Not enough for me to feel out of place as a woman, but enough to tip the odds in my favour. So I'd say that whilst yes, I understand the need to protect yourself, don't entirely give up or shut yourself off from the possibility of meeting someone, because then you might miss chances. I did, over the years.