Lifelong single and loneliness…. (If you have advice or tips to be happy being single)

[AllAloneInThisHouse]

Name change because I’m embarrassed…

Never been in a relationship, never been loved and I was doing pretty well until my 30’s.
Now it’s been just ever growing lonliness and it has become a reality that I’ll be alone forever.

I’ve search and read all ’reasons to be happy being single’ type of articles and threads, but honestly, they’re not helping much.

Most of the reasons are happy to have remota and watch what I want and eat whenever I want etc….
And obvious stuff like cheating or abuse.

I just can’t get much of solace from that.
Maybe it’s different when you can compare bad expirience to better/ safety……

Are there anyone else who never been in a relationship or single not by their choice?

Or any advice?

I would say that if what you want is a relationship you need to aim for one but at the same time, at your age, you will be expected to have a good idea of how relationship work/realistic expectations that most people acquire through multiple trial and error in previous relationships so I would suggest to increase your cicle of friends, get closer to people who are married or have boyfriends and partners both to get an idea on how things work (not sex obvious but about the compromising you do as a couple and where boundaries are) and to help you feel confident and relaxed around people to make you more approachable.

If you are confident and approachable already, it may be a matter of learning to read the “signs” to identify when a man shows some interest.

I don't suppose it helps much to say relationships are mainly very over-rated?

Possibly not at your age but I promise you its true.

The vast majority of committed long-term relationships are pretty humdrum at best after the first 18 months and in a lot of cases are pretty draining and soul-destroying.

I'm 50 and have come to realise that I'm much happier and more productive when I'm single and that I could have achieved twice what I have done by avoiding altogether.

I also think this becomes much more acute for women in particular as they get older. Women beyond a certain age are far happier single than they are tied down with men, most of whom just drag us down.

I appreciate you may not want to hear this now but I promise you at some point you will have a lightbulb moment and realised you've mainly dodged a bullet here.

@GetThatHelmetOn

I don’t think I want to spent that much time with people who talk about men, let alone watch couples….

I’m asking more advice on excepting the fact I’m going to be single.
And maybe good things about singlehood.

@Thepeopleversuswork

Oh, the opposite, I found your comment helpful!

Much better than the usual comments (propaganda?) that all women need a man.

Thank you, I’ve screenshotted it as a reminder, hope you don’t mind.

Being single requires a change of mindset. I’ve been single for a very long time and I’m very happy with it because I’m comfortable in my own company and can afford to be financially independent. I never wanted kids so being single wasn’t an issue in that regard. I have a wide circle of friends I use for companionship. It’s great because I can go to the ballet with the friend who enjoys the arts and go cycling with the friend who enjoys being active.
You need the confidence to do things on your own and to accept that you are most likely to be the one who initiates contact with people.
Last year I relocated because I went somewhere I fell in love with and decided to go for it. I really appreciate the flexibility and am not looking for a relationship.

A single friend was the opposite. She felt she needed to be in a relationship and wanted kids. I told her if that was her objective she had to have a plan - she needed to do online dating, join mixed sex hobby groups, stop inviting friends to her house for dinner and instead meet them in pubs or other busy places.

I have another friend who was single for many years before meeting her husband later in life. We both talk about being in a relationship and being single both being hard work. For every time I’m ill and wish there was someone to make me a coffee there will be a day when I’ve been stressed at work and I’m pleased I’m going home to an empty house. She says for every time she’s glad she’s got someone she can moan to about stuff there are times when she wishes she could buy something she likes for the house eg a sofa without having to compromise with her husband.

The thing is do you want to be single? It doesn’t sound like you do. It might be worth examining why you’ve never had a relationship rather than trying to reluctantly accept you will be alone forever. I’d never had a relationship until I was 24, I had to do some real soul searching and I figured out it’s because I’m gay, I’ve now been with my soon to be wife for 7 years and couldn’t be happier.

I’m not saying it’s the same for you, but if you don’t want to be single then I don’t think it’s just something you just have to grow to accept because you’ve never had a relationship yet.

I don't suppose it helps much to say relationships are mainly very over-rated?

It really doesn't. Tennyson was right with:
'Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.

I never really had a proper relationship when I was younger, things usually stalled at the second or third date - if they even got that far. The second and third lockdowns were crushing. Yes, I have friends to talk to, but even with the best will in the world they are no substitute for a soulmate.

Earlier this year, I got chatting to someone and found that we had many shared interests. We met up quite a few times, explored bookshops, saw films and an opera, ate at each other's houses... Sadly it hasn't worked out, the timing just wasn't right and they weren't quite over their previous breakup, so it has become platonic. Even so, the feeling of comfort and security I felt as we cwtched on the sofa in front of a film was unbeatable while it lasted. Sure, posters might mock and point out that once the honeymoon period was over it wouldn't have been so blissful, but I can't see it being as bad as those many years of loneliness.

Solidarity with you OP, it took me decades to move just a few squares along life's game of snakes and ladders, and have found myself slithering back towards square one again.

Women don't need a man. They can be fun for sex, but the only thing they're necessary for is if you want children, and even then, you can get donor sperm these days.

You need friends and support, but you need them even if you weren't single. No one person can provide all your emotional needs.

If you're single, you probably have to work, but you're not going to be limited to needing to be comparatively near someone else's job (you might have other ties to an area, like family, though.)

You can exercise when you want, go on holiday where you want (there are loads of options for joining group holidays or going alone,) do what you want at weekends, evenings, eat what you want...

I've been single most of my life, and the few relationships I have had have been long distance, which meant I was effectively single most of the time. There have been times I was down about it, but I've probably travelled a lot more, learned a lot more and become much more capable at things because of that. And having seen what some friends have been through in abusive relationships, being single is definitely better than being in a bad relationship.

I have been in relationships before but I have been single for about 13 years. There are times when I am incredibly happy being single and times that I wish I was in a relationship. BUT I would rather be single than be in an unhappy or toxic relationship.

sometimes I’ll get myself on OLD and other times I’m not bothered. I’m currently at a not bothered stage :)

I embrace being single and am constantly saying yes to opportunities and meeting new people. Which is easier to do when there is just you. This wasn’t who I was when I was in a relationship, I had to work at saying yes and my confidence.

I take myself on solo dates. This year I’ve been on holiday to Spain and been to the theatre. Both were fantastic. I also treat myself to flowers, nice meals and treats that make me feel good.

If you like reading I recommend:

signing up to email newsletter ‘The Single Supplement’ by Nicola Slawson

reading ‘A Single Revolution’ by Shani Silver

reading/listening to ‘Alonement’ by Francesca Specter

These all highlight how being single isn’t a bad thing and you can embrace it and so many people are.

hope this helps xx

I see, that is perfectly ok. I am very independent, have a hobby, plenty of friends and I definitively do not need a man, but I like having one to my side. I won’t bore you with how fantastic he is, but you may find it interesting that my main motivation to find one was… Availability.

I found that very often when I felt like having a chat, go for a walk (with a chat), travel (with some one I could share a chat with) or just had a good moan about whatever, there was no one available as most of my friends were busy with their families or partners, or moved in into other stages in their life. I didn’t resent them for having relationships, I just didn’t enjoy being sitting alone on my own at a time I needed to have some social interaction.

You don’t need a man to be happy, I agree with whoever said that many married people look miserable and that having a relationship can slow you down, but if you crave companionship you need to find a community or a group of communities that are available when you need them.

I found that community and availability in other single mums when I was raising my son, but I have also found it in the past in having a lot of different groups so I could have a “pool” to chose from when I wanted a bit of fun and adult conversation.

Routines for social contact do help a lot. I used to meet with other expats on the first week of the month, practice a hobby every weekend, and meet for coffee with a former colleague on Wednesdays so, even if I couldn’t find anyone at certain times, at least there was always an occasion to “connect” with other people a few days ahead.

I know a lot of women who are happy on their own and say they do not need a man to be happy but I think that what all of them have in common is a strong community of friends or their family who are available and supportive of them. If you think that your current community is not enough, it is just a matter to increase it until you feel you have as much support and companionship as you want.

They may not admit it but many women wonder why they bothered getting married. The only good thing in a lot of marriages are their children, with the husbands a long way behind. So many relationships cause nothing but problems, and end up in divorce or just staying together with someone you don't like. They really are a lot of hype. If many married women had the choice at your age to split up and enjoy their own lives without constantly having to adapt to their husbands/partners, clean up their mess and be tied, tied, tied, they would! Of course at this time in their lives the financial mess they would be in makes this freedom impossible.

For you, it's harder because you've never got the chance to discover that the grass isn't greener.
It really isn't.
I was married for twenty years, and now I'm single. It's approximately 99 trillion times nicer.
ALL of my friends who are in long term relationships, mid forties, are pretty miserable relationship wise, just plodding along for the sake of their kids, avoiding their husbands wherever possible.
It's a shame for you that you didn't get the miserable relationship out of the way, because then you wouldn't be lonely, you'd be blissfully peaceful.

Reading this op, I can understand why you feel this way however it’s for different reasons.

Im in a long-standing relationship but I’ve never been lonelier in my life. I lived a lot of my life thinking that my relationships defined me, should be a main source of joy/love/acceptance/belonging but I now realize I have those qualities within myself and no one else defines me.

I will close the decades long chapter soon and enjoy being alone.

If you do the same and a man comes along, make sure he’s worthy. Don’t settle for a burping farting sharting selfish man child. You believe in yourself. Find ways to interact with men doing things you enjoy or want to learn doing. Be brave.

I’m inclined to agree with the majority so far. I was in relationship then a marriage right up until mid forties and have been single since for many years. It was a revelation how much more enjoyable life is being single but I don’t regret what went before and I adore my 2 children so I understand why you feel you are missing out.
Sorry not helpful as you are saying you would like to be with someone I don’t know the answer but what I do know in my pretty large friendship group there are 2 loving happy marriages the rest are fake in some way or other.

This is is exactly what I thought!

That, because I don’t know what it’s like to be in a relationship and only have personally tailored daydreams about it, I kind of keep breaking my own heart.
If that makes any sense.

Thank you for the suggestions @TheZenOne22,
I will look those up!

I don’t mind being single but for me it was the thought of missing out on a family and children that upset me.

So I’m not sure if children are something you want?

@Workingisntworkingforme
No, kids aren’t really what I want.
Sometimes I wonder about kids, in a same kind of way that I wondered about relationships - as an outsider who doesn’t really have much of a say in the matter.

But realistically I have no business bringing kids into this world.
I couldn’t be a good mom.
So the most loving thing I can do is to not have them…

@AllAloneInThisHouse

No I don't mind at all, I'm glad it was helpful -- I was worried it would sound patronising as its much easier to say this at 50 than at 30.

There is undoubtedly a rush from the start of a new relationship which is fun to experience. Obviously sex is fun too.

And having a relationship with a steady, decent and reliable man is helpful (but not essential) if you want to have and raise children.

Outside of those two needs I genuinely cannot see how being in a long term relationship enhances women's lives.

LTRs are at best workable partnerships with companionship but without much excitement or sparkle. In very rare cases they are genuinely good friendships. In an awful lot of cases they are just hardened codependencies based on habit and insecurity. And they are far more valuable to men than to women.

A lot of women feel they need this, partly for financial reasons but mainly for reasons of huge social conditioning. I firmly believe that in the vast majority of cases they would be happier without them. And I speak as someone who has been married and is in a (generally) happy LTR, so not feeling I've missed out or bitter.

I think loneliness and being single are two separate issues. People can be desperately lonely inside a marriage, or with kids around. And single people can be really secure and loved within their social circle.

That's not to dismiss what you are feeling. What kind of loneliness is it? How does it manifest? What fantasies do you have about how not being lonely would feel? Can any of these be met by other social interactions with friends or family? Not that this replaces love and that feeling of having been chosen but are you doing everything you can to minimise the side effects of loneliness? Going out a lot, inviting people over so your home doesn't feel isolated, having plenty of physical contact through contact sports or dance or massage etc. Might sound daft but lots of the things people get from a healthy relationship can be broken down into specifics that you need to ensure you are getting in other ways.

48, always single, very happy.

Top tip: work at building strong friendships with single and married people. People who will share their homes and their lives with you. People who will share their children with you and also be there for you. It’s harder when children are small, but you suck it up for a few years and then you have friends for life.

Great posts by @Thepeopleversuswork

Ime, after 47 years of social conditioning, it's really hard to wrap my head around not wanting to be in a relationship.
After all, I prefer the company of women, I prefer the companionship of women, I prefer living with women, I laugh harder with women.
So for me (40s) it's just sex and social conditioning.
For those younger (20s, 30s) it's sex, social conditioning and the fact that having a family is just easier with 2.
For me, once I don't want sex, there's no way on Earth I'd want a relationship with a man.

The best thing about being single is not having to compromise. Of course people who are in really compatible, respectful relationships compromise equally, but there are many people who end up living the other person's life, by slowly being worn down: eating what the other person wants to, socialising/staying in because that's the other person's preference. Also, many women end up cleaning up after men, being their counsellor and admin assistant.

I can understand the loneliness issue but people can be lonely in relationships too, especially if the other person doesn't listen to them, respect them or care for them.

I just wonder if you have a bit of a lack of confidence/self esteem that you might want to get some support/counselling for? Alternatively, getting involved in activities that involve groups might help you to feel part of things. Good luck OP.

My happiest single friends are involved with family (so for example one of mine takes her nieces swimming every weekend) and belong to things. I don't necessarily mean organised groups, but are part of anything from a very active Whatsapp group of friends, to a group who does Parkrun, to a baby group. Basically, a routine that isn't just work and not-work.

The happiest single women I know have a significant other in the form of another single woman friend. Honestly, their lives are about as near perfect as I can imagine. Complete freedom, so much fun and none of the heartbreak, nuisance, expense and tedium of faffing about with a man. But crucially, they have a go to person in each other, for holidays, days out, Christmas and the day to day support you might (if you're lucky) get from a partner. So, my advice, meet other single women.