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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To buy a cheap birthday present

79 replies

TheBolterdahling · 18/05/2022 09:10

I have a wealthy friend. She is taking a group of us away on her birthday to somewhere that will cost £££. Nearly all her friends are wealthy too. I have a good job but am a single mum and big outgoings. She won’t think I’m poor but the reality is I’ve got about £150 disposable income left until the end of the month no savings and in credit card debt. I don’t know what to get her as a present! Anything I can afford looks cheap. I don’t want to spend all that £150 even tho she’s probably spending four times that on me on the weekend away - I want to keep it for emergencies, unexpected expense or for things for the kids. I wish I hadn’t said I would go now but it wasn’t obvious how much she’d be spending when I committed to the date. She’s not expecting any cash for the weekend away and everything is paid for but she does tend to value expensive things. I’ll buy her a token present but it’s going to have to be cheap….£30 of make up or something…. She’s not a super close friend so I don’t know how comfortable I am telling her I’m broke!

OP posts:
Sexheadacheouch · 18/05/2022 19:40

wholeofthemo0n · 18/05/2022 13:24

agree on the etsy thing. OP im a portrait artist and take on commissions starting at about £20. plenty of nice handmade small business gifts are available - there's a group on facebook called 'gals who create' which has thousands of small business owners. if you post in there any ideas and budget there will be lots of comments with ideas, etsy links etc

Could you please DM me your details! A drawing of her might be lovely!

MeridasMum · 18/05/2022 19:45

Cantfollowmeround · 18/05/2022 14:59

I can see it now, "Is my friend a CF, payed hundreds for her to go on holiday with me and she wouldnt pay for her own meal, wouldnt pay for a round of drinks, and to top it off gave me a cheap gift! AIBU to drop them"

Think of all the words that will be going around about you. If possible make your excuses and dont go or itll be held over you that you owe someone something and youll feel awful, its all completely avoidable, treat yourself to something at home instead.

I agree with this.

I wouldn't go if I couldn't pay my way. If your friend is paying for the entire holiday, the expectation would be that guests will be generous in return,

It'll also be unfair on the other guests who are likely to put their hands in their pockets and they'll be subsidising you too.

I'd bow out now if I were you

Mostess · 18/05/2022 19:48

Has she got a garden? I would buy her a nice shrub or dwarf tree.

HollaHolla · 18/05/2022 19:55

Diverseopinions · 18/05/2022 14:13

You might be able to get a very nice, good quality silk scarf. Have a look in TK Maxx.

I would, personally, get another credit card, and try to spend £100 on a few carefully calibrated things, like scarf, handbag and sun hat with a band, run up by a seamstress, in fantastic fabric you got cheap. I think £30 limits you,band you could have done a bit of saving to get it to £100, or £120.

Or look for solid gold jewellery in eBay or somewhere, cheap.

eBay might be good for an original map or water colour of where she is from, plus a beautiful artistic scarf.

Really?! A credit card to get an £100 gift??

I would support the idea of something personal from Etsy, and a photo book of memories you've experienced together. Lovely items, thoughtful, and not getting you into debt. You could get something lovely for £50.
I've done the same when I was off work long term sick - and my friends were just grateful I was there, and understanding of the situation.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 18/05/2022 20:02

Are you any good at baking OP? Maybe you could make a nicely decorated birthday cake? or Chocolate Brownies (with candles) as an extra to your present. This would probably go down well. Also Dried flower arrangements are very popular these days and are around £40

Agadoodoododont · 18/05/2022 20:02

Do not go into debt to buy an expensive gift!!!! That was awful advice ( get another cc — NO)
A bottle of champagne.
A nice scarf.
A houseplant.

Harrysutton · 18/05/2022 20:24

www.aspinaloflondon.com/products/small-essential-a-pouch-in-burgundy-pebble

comes in a gift box so don’t pay extra.

Bintymcbintface · 18/05/2022 22:51

Diverseopinions · 18/05/2022 14:13

You might be able to get a very nice, good quality silk scarf. Have a look in TK Maxx.

I would, personally, get another credit card, and try to spend £100 on a few carefully calibrated things, like scarf, handbag and sun hat with a band, run up by a seamstress, in fantastic fabric you got cheap. I think £30 limits you,band you could have done a bit of saving to get it to £100, or £120.

Or look for solid gold jewellery in eBay or somewhere, cheap.

eBay might be good for an original map or water colour of where she is from, plus a beautiful artistic scarf.

Suggesting someone gets themselves into debt to buy a gift for a friend is ridiculous

lisavanderpumpscloset · 18/05/2022 23:16

If she's not super close why are you going away with her? I'd find a way to back out of going

allboysherebutme · 19/05/2022 04:26

Get her a nice gift you can afford, a nice scarf or something but my advice would be to make sure you transfer your credit card to 0% interest. X

BarbaraofSeville · 19/05/2022 05:50

Bloody hell this thread is ridiculous.

Suggesting the OP get into more debt to buy a load of crap that the friend probably doesn't even want or could buy herself without blinking.

OP, surely your friend is not that dense that she doesn't realise that you don't have endless money if you're covering all your household outgoings by yourself?

Real friends wouldn't want you to be struggling to keep up with their higher means. So don't keep pretending that you can because all that is happening is that it's getting you into debt or your DC are missing out in favour of people who don't need and shouldn't want your money.

It looks like you've had a name change fail and are exploring the drawing that another poster has offered, so that and a bottle of Cremant (French sparkling wine that is just as good as champagne but just from elsewhere in France) for about a tenner sounds like a lovely gift that is more than enough.

BarbaraofSeville · 19/05/2022 06:03

But why are people so obsessed with scarves on here?

Has Mumsnet been infiltrated by a load of people from the scarf industry determined to increase sales and make every woman in the land have a drawer full of scarves that she never wanted, sees no use for but feels obliged to keep and wear because a friend or relative bought it for her.

I suppose if everyone donated a load of these scarves that everyone must have to charity shops there could be a critical mass of scarves circulating round charity shops, available for people to buy cheaply when they 'have' to get a gift for someone who doesn't want or need one who can let it sit in her drawer until she thinks the person who gave it to her has forgotten about it and then send it back to the charity shop so someone else can buy it and thus continue the cycle.

They could also do the same for all the 'nice silver photo frames' that were bought as wedding gifts by people who wanted to make sure the happy couple knew that they disapproved of their request not to buy a gift for their wedding but if they felt they wanted to give them something then vouchers towards their honeymoon or new sofa fund would be lovely.

UnsuitableHat · 19/05/2022 06:12

Some nice ideas here amidst the weird advice! Have you thought about asking her what type of thing she’d like? That might mean being fairly honest about your budget but £30 isn’t a tiny amount. I’d think it was a shame if a friend bought me a £30 candle (for example) when, if they’d asked, I’d have given them a bit of a steer.

Mumdiva99 · 19/05/2022 06:28

Yes to taking homemade cake, a lovely photo of both of you in a frame, or a book you write in the fly leaf - is there a book about your home town - if you live in the same place.

One Christmas my friend got our friendship group tea towels from here radicalteatowel.co.uk/tea-towels/

On a similar vein I picked up a lovely oven glove/tea towel set in a national trust place......only when I saw them did I realise how manky and boring my oven gloves at home were!!

another friend bought these www.stand4socks.com/collections/homeless?gclid=Cj0KCQjwspKUBhCvARIsAB2IYutHWRWe0e3Xlj23Cp78f1jikeliQIxH3C72BkNgFodCOhLWTF5Kgs0aAkuCEALw_wcB

Could you make a donation to her favourite charity for her?

Could you buy her a couple of lottery scratch cards to go in her card?

She's invited you because you are a friend - be honest with her. If she doesn't accept it she's not much of a friend.

ChampagneLassie · 19/05/2022 06:52

BarbaraofSeville · 19/05/2022 06:03

But why are people so obsessed with scarves on here?

Has Mumsnet been infiltrated by a load of people from the scarf industry determined to increase sales and make every woman in the land have a drawer full of scarves that she never wanted, sees no use for but feels obliged to keep and wear because a friend or relative bought it for her.

I suppose if everyone donated a load of these scarves that everyone must have to charity shops there could be a critical mass of scarves circulating round charity shops, available for people to buy cheaply when they 'have' to get a gift for someone who doesn't want or need one who can let it sit in her drawer until she thinks the person who gave it to her has forgotten about it and then send it back to the charity shop so someone else can buy it and thus continue the cycle.

They could also do the same for all the 'nice silver photo frames' that were bought as wedding gifts by people who wanted to make sure the happy couple knew that they disapproved of their request not to buy a gift for their wedding but if they felt they wanted to give them something then vouchers towards their honeymoon or new sofa fund would be lovely.

This made me laugh a lot. I hardly ever see women wearing scarves. I never wear scarves. First birthday gift from my DP was a hermes scarf! Lovely, very expensive but I wouldn't wear sometime like this and I'd be terrified with something that expensive. It's sat on box ever since.

violetbunny · 19/05/2022 06:59

I would bake her a cake (before the trip so you don't have to bring it along)

ShirleyPhallus · 19/05/2022 07:04

Diverseopinions · 18/05/2022 14:13

You might be able to get a very nice, good quality silk scarf. Have a look in TK Maxx.

I would, personally, get another credit card, and try to spend £100 on a few carefully calibrated things, like scarf, handbag and sun hat with a band, run up by a seamstress, in fantastic fabric you got cheap. I think £30 limits you,band you could have done a bit of saving to get it to £100, or £120.

Or look for solid gold jewellery in eBay or somewhere, cheap.

eBay might be good for an original map or water colour of where she is from, plus a beautiful artistic scarf.

This is terrible advice, the OP shouldn’t get in to debt for her friend.

These are also horrible present ideas. I can’t think of any person who would want a cheapo bag run up in some random fabric that matches a sun hat and scarf. These would go straight to the charity shop for me.

@TheBolterdahling I’m the “wealthy” friend and I’d do this as a nice treat for friends but not expect some really big gift in return. The ideas posted upthread are really good -Seychelles hand set, jo malone candle, or an Aesop hand wash would all be good.

I certainly wouldn’t be gossiping about the small present you got me, I’d rather have something nice but small than a load of cheap tat.

Penguinsaregreat · 19/05/2022 07:05

I second Etsy or home made products.
I bought hand made lollipops for my wedding. I chose the flavour and wording they were great!
Alternatively I second looking in TK Max you can pick up a bargain.

ChampagneLassie · 19/05/2022 07:07

@TheBolterdahling i think you should be upfront and get in touch with lady now and explain as others have said there will probably be opportunities on trip when you'd spend too. Don't hint at being skint. Over years I've known lots of people who do this and I've judged them, it just smacks of laziness at budgeting and planning and a lack of care. Instead call her now *Hi birthday girl, I'm really sorry I've not planned very well and I'm very cash strapped at moment. With hindsight I should have declined. I feel awkward taking your generosity and I can not afford a lavish gift" my vote for gift would be something classy and simple like Neom set. Do not spend a lot

erinaceus · 19/05/2022 07:11

Do you cook? It could be nice to offer to cook her a special meal by way of a thank-you, and even if you splash out a bit on ingredients then £30 should be enough to make a pretty special meal. I think your friend will be understanding.

ShirleyPhallus · 19/05/2022 07:14

Mumdiva99 · 19/05/2022 06:28

Yes to taking homemade cake, a lovely photo of both of you in a frame, or a book you write in the fly leaf - is there a book about your home town - if you live in the same place.

One Christmas my friend got our friendship group tea towels from here radicalteatowel.co.uk/tea-towels/

On a similar vein I picked up a lovely oven glove/tea towel set in a national trust place......only when I saw them did I realise how manky and boring my oven gloves at home were!!

another friend bought these www.stand4socks.com/collections/homeless?gclid=Cj0KCQjwspKUBhCvARIsAB2IYutHWRWe0e3Xlj23Cp78f1jikeliQIxH3C72BkNgFodCOhLWTF5Kgs0aAkuCEALw_wcB

Could you make a donation to her favourite charity for her?

Could you buy her a couple of lottery scratch cards to go in her card?

She's invited you because you are a friend - be honest with her. If she doesn't accept it she's not much of a friend.

Please don’t get your friend tea towels or oven gloves, she’s not a 1950s housewife.

nearlyspringyay · 19/05/2022 07:17

Diverseopinions · 18/05/2022 14:13

You might be able to get a very nice, good quality silk scarf. Have a look in TK Maxx.

I would, personally, get another credit card, and try to spend £100 on a few carefully calibrated things, like scarf, handbag and sun hat with a band, run up by a seamstress, in fantastic fabric you got cheap. I think £30 limits you,band you could have done a bit of saving to get it to £100, or £120.

Or look for solid gold jewellery in eBay or somewhere, cheap.

eBay might be good for an original map or water colour of where she is from, plus a beautiful artistic scarf.

That is dreadful advice!

TheGlitterati · 19/05/2022 07:18

I’d take her for an afternoon tea.

Whatisaweekendzzz · 19/05/2022 07:22

I don’t think you need to spend a fortune just because she’s treating you to the trip. I’d get a jo malone candle or some sort of silver handmade jewellery from Etsy. I really don’t think anyone will be comparing the value of the gifts. I think it would be weird to buy make up just because it’s expensive, it’s such a personal thing to buy I don’t think of it as present material.