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Original poster

How did you tell partner unplanned pregnancy?

30 replies

whatnextsteps · 17/05/2022 22:48

I know this probably isn't the right place but posting for traffic...

OH and I have been together 9 months, don't live together but have discussed future together. I missed my period, took a pregnancy test today and it came back positive 2-3 weeks pregnant. We use protection so this is unplanned. I haven't told OH yet as want to do in person and not seen him today.

Can you please tell me your stories/experiences of telling a partner about an unplanned pregnancy? How did you do it?

OP posts:
Original poster
whatnextsteps · 18/05/2022 13:18

Anyone? I'm hoping to see my OH tonight to tell him

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 18/05/2022 13:20

I haven't been in this position but just make sure you know what you will do. Hope you're ok OP and that it goes well x

VeryTrying22 · 18/05/2022 13:22

Before telling him, make sure you know what your plan is going forwards, are you keen to keep the baby, would you be opting for a termination, are you not sure, these are all things to think about before broaching the subject as you’ll need to manage those expectations

SaggyBlinders · 18/05/2022 13:27

I burst in his house unannounced, slightly tipsy after some food and drinks with friends, and in tears. Poor DP was on the sofa watching something, and I was crying so much I could barely get the words out. He gave me a hug and told me it would be okay, he loved me and everything would be fine.

We'd been together 11 months by this point and didn't live together.

SaggyBlinders · 18/05/2022 13:28

Then I had a miscarriage, DP was upset and tbh i feel awful for saying it, but at the time I just felt relief. I wasn't in the right place to have a baby right at that moment.

PollyDarton1 · 18/05/2022 13:29

I fell pregnant 4/5 months into a relationship with my now ex DP - it was unplanned but he had previously said that if any accidents happened he would be OK with it and I would make a great mum. We already lived together at this point and were serious.

I found out before work (he was already at work, we worked together) and I took him to a meeting room and told him. He was shocked and at first happy and then changed dramatically. We spent 3/4 weeks with him changing his mind back and forth whether he could become a dad again (he had an elder child) as he had struggled with becoming one first time round. He never really asked me what I wanted to do, and his emotional reaction became the focus point. Parents on both sides (and friends) were dragged into it with differing perspectives. We went to the clinic 3 times and he backed out each time.

The end result was he convinced/forced me to go through with an abortion and made promises to me about marriage/future children if I could just go through with it. I felt I didn't really have any agency over the situation - he never said he'd leave me if I went through with the pregnancy, but rather that he absolutely couldn't cope with it and sort of used lots of situations to his benefit that supported the viewpoint that we shouldn't have a child now.

In the end I had the abortion and my Mum had to take me as he couldn't "handle" it. He was incredibly unsupportive afterwards and just wanted me to "get over it". He then toyed with me for months over whether he wanted a vascetomy or children, sometimes sleeping with me unprotected, other times phoning up a clinic for the vascetomy. I know he regrets how he handled the situation now, but it was a good insight into how he handled issues and his inability to handle difficult situations ended up being a focal point of our relationship (apart from the abusive nature of it too).

The decision is yours, OP. If your partner reacts badly, that's on them. It might not be the ideal time, but I am hoping they receive the news well and you can enjoy your pregnancy. If he reacts badly, know that you DO have agency and can choose whichever decision you want. Make sure it's the decision that is right for YOU.

DressingGownofDoom · 18/05/2022 13:30

I said you know the way we had sex a couple of weeks ago. He said yes. I said well I'm pregnant. No other way to say it unfortunately! He might freak out but he'll probably come around.

Original poster
whatnextsteps · 18/05/2022 13:32

I don't think I've really reacted to the result, had a strong feeling it would be positive when my period was a few days late but didn't have a strong reaction when I saw the result.

I would say I am going to keep the baby, I started thinking of what going to need and how could afford it, and I know OH wants children but the last time we talked about it was after we had visited his friend's newborn around Christmas and OH said "not yet".

I'm late 20s and he's early 30s if that helps anyone form advise.

OP posts:
VeryTrying22 · 18/05/2022 13:33

@whatnextsteps can you financially and emotionally raise this child alone if he isn’t supportive? Depending on his salary maintenance isn’t a lot most of the time and children cost a fair bit.

Original poster
whatnextsteps · 18/05/2022 13:34

@PollyDarton1 I'm sorry you went through that

OP posts:
Original poster
whatnextsteps · 18/05/2022 13:37

@VeryTrying22 it would be a struggle honestly, I've only recently started my current job (1 month in) but would have family support

OP posts:
VeryTrying22 · 18/05/2022 13:38

whatnextsteps · 18/05/2022 13:37

@VeryTrying22 it would be a struggle honestly, I've only recently started my current job (1 month in) but would have family support

Would your family financially support you? As if you’re only a month in you won’t qualify for SMP, if it’s already going to be a struggle how will you cope living on £157 ish a week?

Sounds like a bit of a shit situation to bring a baby into

Original poster
whatnextsteps · 18/05/2022 13:42

VeryTrying22 · 18/05/2022 13:38

Would your family financially support you? As if you’re only a month in you won’t qualify for SMP, if it’s already going to be a struggle how will you cope living on £157 ish a week?

Sounds like a bit of a shit situation to bring a baby into

Show quote history

My family would support and I have savings to fall back on, but I can't see OH not being supportive.

OP posts:
AthenaPopodopolous · 18/05/2022 13:45

Congratulations OP. Don’t be surprised if he takes it badly, though be clear you won’t terminate the pregnancy. If he doesn’t support you, just end the relationship and make plans on your own with the support of your family. Don’t make any time for bad behaviour or coercion from him. You will have a lovely bouncing baby to look after soon. If he can see that your strong on your own he is more likely to stick around.

SaggyBlinders · 18/05/2022 13:49

Sounds like you are in a good position OP. Congrats and hope it goes well telling him tonight.

LJAKS · 18/05/2022 14:00

I could have written this. We’d been together 9 months, I was on the pill, both still not divorced, not living together, financially unstable. Baby will be 4 weeks tomorrow and he’s the best decision I ever made. DP was on board from the start, I was more worried about how we would manage but actually everything came together perfectly. Good luck.

JustMaggie · 18/05/2022 14:01

Congratulations OP! My DP took the news of a surprise pregnancy well. I was really worried about telling him too. I just couldn't face him so I yelled out the news while taking a shower. He was pleased.

Original poster
whatnextsteps · 18/05/2022 14:12

Thank you for the stories, positive and negative.

I think OH will be happy after initial shock. I just wish I had a stronger reaction but maybe that will come after I tell someone in real life...

OP posts:
muckandnettles · 18/05/2022 14:15

In addition to all the very wise MN advice so far, I would also add that his first reaction might not be what you want but give him some time to take it in. So don't be too upset if he looks a bit horrified to start with, for example. Remember you've had time to adjust, he hasn't yet. I hope it goes well.

girlmom21 · 18/05/2022 14:16

whatnextsteps · 18/05/2022 14:12

Thank you for the stories, positive and negative.

I think OH will be happy after initial shock. I just wish I had a stronger reaction but maybe that will come after I tell someone in real life...

It will. It won't feel real yet because only you and a bunch of anonymous strangers know.

But prepare yourself for the possibility of him having very little reaction too. It's a big thing to process!

Original poster
whatnextsteps · 18/05/2022 14:20

I am expecting some sort of reaction from him which is why I want to tell him at his place where there's no chance of interruption

OP posts:
fyn · 18/05/2022 14:24

I got pregnant five months into our relationship, I was using the contraceptive patch so didn’t think there was any chance. I just blurted it out in the car because I wasn’t sure what to say! We kept the baby and are now married and expecting our second child, it wasn’t the ideal way to do it but it worked out in the end!

Badger1970 · 18/05/2022 14:27

We'd only been together just over a year when I fell pregnant with our 1st.

He was a bit bristly about it at first tbh, but I made it very clear that abortion wasn't an option after he had chosen not to wear a condom (I was getting migraines on the pill and had to stop taking it). He came round after a few days but did have a fair few wobbly moments along the way which was quite rough at times and spoiled quite a lot of the excitement I'd wanted to feel.

Whatever happens, tell him, and then let him absorb it. Don't have any heavy conversations straight away.

Stade197 · 18/05/2022 14:33

I've been with my partner 15 years but we never planned to have kids, we used contraception so I was very suprised when I found out I was pregnant. I found out new years day last year and told my partner the next day, I just took him into the bathroom and showed him the 5 positive tests I'd taken 😅 luckily he was happy and supportive

Moolight · 18/05/2022 14:38

My partner and I had been together a year when I found out I was pregnant. He was working away and I planned to wait until he came back to tell him face to face but we were facetiming the night after I had found out and I can't remember what exactly we were talking about but he said to me jokingly, "just don't get pregnant". I froze and he said what's wrong and that's when I told him I was pregnant. He was clearly shocked and said, "so what are you thinking?" and I said I know what I want to do but it's a joint decision because I don't want to bring a child into the world that isn't wanted and adored by both their parents. He knew I had always wanted children and had tried for years with my ex without success. He asked for some time just to get his head around the news so we hung up and about 15minutes later and said, "okay, let's do this".

We now have a beautiful little girl.

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