Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What’s the general MN verdict on donor eggs?

460 replies

Sortilege · 17/05/2022 14:22

The general critical re-examination of surrogacy is quite evident, and I have my own views on that, which I’ll keep quiet for the purposes of this thread.

Now I find myself chewing over other fertility treatment. I’ve had fertility treatment myself and so have family members. So I have a sense of how private clinics put you on a conveyor belt and normalise things.

What is the general view on donor eggs & embryos (implanted into the birth mother and gestated by her)?

Im trying really hard not to bias the result so have tossed a coin to assign YABU/YANBU to viewpoints. Don’t read into that.

YANBU = Donor gametes are ethically fine.
YABU = Donor gametes are problematic.

OP posts:
Sycamor · 17/05/2022 21:31

@AliceAbsolum your story is my story. I'm sure ur as thankful for your family as I am for mine. And if I were to ask my kids their opinion I'm sure they would be as grateful to our donor as I am.

VestaTilley · 17/05/2022 21:52

I dislike it for many of the same reasons I loathe surrogacy - it separates a mother from her baby, cuts mothers out of the pregnancy and birth process, and treats important things as throwaway commodities.

It’s unethical in my view, and something that donors will probably find themselves often regretting years down the line.

I support IVF, but it should be with your own eggs - and not colluding in surrogacy (human trafficking) either.

housemaus · 17/05/2022 21:53

Eggs are not babies. No different in my view to donating blood, or if you want an example that requires a similar level of physical 'commitment' from the donor, like donating a piece of kidney.

I also have no issue with embryos, but could see why some would. For eggs, I genuinely can't see the issue,

CounsellorTroi · 17/05/2022 21:56

slugHell · 17/05/2022 14:45

The problem I have with them isn't on the receiving end (the expecting parents) but the donor end. Often young women are targeted to sell/donate their eggs and it is always portrayed as an easy way to make money, comparable to sperm donation. In reality it takes weeks of preparatory hormone injections followed by invasive surgery (and they always take more eggs than they really need, to ensure the best chances of success) and a recovery period which is not adequately compensated for. I really do think it's a terrible example of the commodification of women's bodies.

This. There is a dark exploitative side to egg donation.

TheKeatingFive · 17/05/2022 21:58

Eggs are not babies. No different in my view to donating blood

I don't think this stands up to much scrutiny. An egg will ultimately be a person with half the donor's DNA. Thats very significantly different to donating blood.

ChocChipPancake · 17/05/2022 21:59

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on OP's request.

Clymene · 17/05/2022 22:06

VestaTilley · 17/05/2022 21:52

I dislike it for many of the same reasons I loathe surrogacy - it separates a mother from her baby, cuts mothers out of the pregnancy and birth process, and treats important things as throwaway commodities.

It’s unethical in my view, and something that donors will probably find themselves often regretting years down the line.

I support IVF, but it should be with your own eggs - and not colluding in surrogacy (human trafficking) either.

Do you feel the sane about sperm donation? I feel they are fundamentally different things but that feels unfair.

ChocChipPancake · 17/05/2022 22:07

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on OP's request.

TheKeatingFive · 17/05/2022 22:10

I feel they are fundamentally different things but that feels unfair.

From the point of view of the resulting child they are the same.

From the POV of the donor, one is much less impactful on the body than the other.

Organictangerine · 17/05/2022 22:20

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

ChocChipPancake · 17/05/2022 22:26

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on OP's request.

BetsHilton · 17/05/2022 22:35

@Organictangerine so ignorant. Infertility is a medical condition classified as so by the world health organisation. Comparing an actual medical condition to someone wanting a certain car or a boob job is outrageous. You should be ashamed of yourself!

CounsellorTroi · 17/05/2022 22:36

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on OP's request.

But a baby is not a medical need. I say that as someone who couldn't have children.

Blondeshavemorefun · 17/05/2022 22:36

I think it’s takes a special person to donate their eggs

for an infertile couple it in the greatest gift someone can give

I had ivf but my own eggs but dh and I always said if it didnt work once used them all (we did 5 cycles to get dd now 5)then we would have tried de

i have several friends who used de due to their age and desire to be a mum

and they are forever grateful to their donor and me as they are my friends im
just happy they got to a mum

for people who have no infertility issues and conceive easily I think don’t always reliese the grief and upset that not being able to conceive can cause

ChocChipPancake · 17/05/2022 22:47

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on OP's request.

Overthewine · 17/05/2022 22:51

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Blondeshavemorefun · 17/05/2022 22:53

LondonJax · 17/05/2022 16:51

We had IVF to have our child. Using my eggs and his sperm. But the first attempt failed. I didn't produce any viable eggs. We had a long conversation, before we met with the consultant a month later, about whether donor eggs would be the way forward. We didn't have to make that decision as I became pregnant on the next attempt. I still don't know what my (or my husband's) answer would have been - we went back and forth so many times.

But, what I do know, is that a work colleague who was having IVF with a donor egg at the same time is now proud mum to a wonderful teenager, who is the spitting image of her. The matching on height, size, hair and eye colour, ethnic background etc was incredible. He actually looks more like his mum than his dad, the fit was so close.

Both our DSs know they were conceived through IVF (and a donor egg in my work colleague's case).

Same @LondonJax one lady I know got preg naturally. Son looks nothing like her. A few years on they did de ivf and her daughter looks just like mum even tho wasn’t her egg

imperialminty · 17/05/2022 23:18

@ChocChipPancake We have very different views on the NHS so I think we’ll agree to disagree on this.

Original poster
Sortilege · 17/05/2022 23:35

Personally I have no issue with donor gametes being provided on the NHS.

I would have an issue IF the NHS or an NHS trust guaranteed supply of eggs or sperm (especially eggs as retrieval is intrusive) in the same way that NHS Scotland has guaranteed they will supply surrogate mothers, because I think it’s sinister to “guarantee” a supply of supposedly altruistic volunteers, and obviously you can’t compel participation.

OP posts:
Pinklemonade1 · 18/05/2022 01:06

This was a thread I probably shouldn't have skimmed before bed.
I'm a mum to twins conceived via donor eggs. I went through nearly 10 years of TTC With my own eggs and then with DE. It's heartbreaking and totally shit.
I will never apologise for taking the route we did.
Yes I would have liked to be able to give my children more info on their donor. But it's anonymous so we couldn't. I knew my donor was married and had a child. She was a well educated young woman who was very well counselled before she donated. I will be forever grateful to this woman.
Do I feel that she is my children's 'biological mother' ? Absolutely not. Whilst I wouldn't dream of diminishing her gift of life, she gave me a collection of cells that would have been a period.
If you have never heard of epigenetics then you should read up about it. The woman who carries and gives birth to a baby is not just a "vessel" she passes on way more than you think.
Ultimately, which journey you take to become a parent, be it, natural conception, adoption or donor conceived, if you love your child that's all that counts. At the end of the day, we all have to do the stuff that makes people mums and Dads.
I've been absolutely open and honest with my children about their origins. They are fine. They are completely normal, well adjusted individuals.
Congratulations to all of you that got pregnant at the drop of a hat, but for those of you who ,frankly, know sweet FA about what it truly is to be infertile, please think about how you express your hurtful opinions towards those of us who have already experienced enough hurt.
As an aside, following our successful treatment and the birth of my children, we had X3 frozen embryos left. We donated them to someone who could not pay for a full cycle. This is my husband's genetic material and our donors.. I truly hope that this has been successful and that we have given a gift ourselves.

NumberTheory · 18/05/2022 01:16

Another up vote for what FieryPitOfMordor said.

Sarahcoggles · 18/05/2022 01:40

AlternativePerspective · 17/05/2022 14:59

Personally no, I think donor sperm/eggs/surrogacy should all be illegal.

The problem with all of these procedures is that they are all about someone becoming a parent with very little thought given to the children who are the product of these arrangements.

The reason why the law was changed in order for the children of donated eggs/sperm to be able to trace their biological parent is because so many of them grow up with a sense of not belonging, or that half of them is missing.

It’s all very well saying that anything which means a child is born into a loving family is fantastic, but that’s not enough. That child is going to grow up into an adult in their own right, and that missing heritage is theirs to deal with.

It’s not possible to know how a child of donated eggs/sperm is going to feel about their heritage, or lack thereof, and the potential implications if they trace their donor only to be rejected.

And as a donor it’s also not possible to know that the product of your donation will be born into a loving family. There seems to be this perception that anyone who has fertility treatment is automatically going to be a loving parent. But there are no guarantees.

What about one night stands that result in pregnancy, where the "parents" don't stay in touch. Should they be illegal too? Forced termination perhaps?

breatheintheamazing · 18/05/2022 05:27

Infertility yes can be medical but most women using donors are doing so because they left it too late and they are in their 40s - many ivf clinics won't treat a woman with their own eggs over the age of 43 so push donor eggs on women to keep their success ratings up. If you don't think there is big business behind this you are naïve at best.* why should a donor egg child be burdened by the life choices you* made to wait to start TTC until after an age when the entire medical world has proved that fertility is declining.
Fair enough if you've had cancer at a young age or premature ovary failure but that's a very small percentage of the reasons why women use donors. They also don't want to to keep going with attempts at their own eggs. IVF is hard took me 5 rounds with my own eggs in my mid 30s. I read plenty of stories of women who "gave up" after 2 rounds and just moved onto to donors because they wanted a baby at all costs and they wanted one now.

RoseWindow · 18/05/2022 07:13

Those born under new rules and regulations aren't adults yet to speak out more about their feelings

If they were born in 2005, then they very soon will be legally adult. I hope they do get to speak out. It’s interesting though, as others have said, how adult views also can change over the course of adulthood in different directions. So we should be not just listening to those 18 year olds, but also them at 30 and 40 and 50 years old etc.

Onlywomengivebirth · 18/05/2022 07:20

I think people should have a right to know who their biological parent is, father or mother. I think that right can potentially cause all sorts of problems and upset and disappointment on all sides. I think some parents on the receiving end of the donation probably let their desires cloud that reality. I think a woman donating their egg is a mother like a sperm donor is a father.