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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel undermined by this behaviour at work?

48 replies

Lucia23 · 17/05/2022 11:32

I started a new job 6 months ago, taking over from a woman Ive never met. Some things were left in a bit of a mess and I've simplified some of her processed - with positive feedback from clients as a result. But she was well liked overall and left on good terms.

Passed my probationary with flying colours, get on well with bosses and colleagues etc. But there is one colleague, a man, who is great friends with my predecessor.

Initially he started inviting her to every work lunch, which I didn't feel v comfortable with, as I wanted to get to know my new colleagues in my own right.

Now I am working on a project with him, all going well except the client tends towards anxiety about updates (he is like this with my boss and it's no big deal - he just needs more reassurance). Anyway this morning this colleague tells me he's been discussing our project with my predecessor and she has offered tips and advice on possible ways to help manage the project. He said I could call her if I want to chat more.

This felt really bad to me, as though she needs to step in where I'm going wrong - I'm fairly self aware and there are no issues. I think he's out of order for involving her given I took over this job. Perhaps he just misses her! AIBU?

YABU - being too sensitive
YANBU - it's inappropriate

OP posts:
gillsareforfish · 17/05/2022 11:35

Ignore him.
He is being inappropriate. Should he be discussing new projects with an ex colleague?

Subbaxeo · 17/05/2022 11:36

I’m surprised your company would agree to this. Has she actually left the company? If she has, it’s very inappropriate to discuss current client projects with an ex employee. Maybe you could say to him, ‘thanks, but as she no longer works here, it breaches client confidentiality so I’m not comfortable with doing that. She’ll have her current job to concentrate on/retirement to enjoy now.’

Original poster
Lucia23 · 17/05/2022 11:37

gillsareforfish · 17/05/2022 11:35

Ignore him.
He is being inappropriate. Should he be discussing new projects with an ex colleague?

It's tricky - I have ex colleagues who are friends and might refer to a project here and there in passing.

I was so taken aback I didn't say much to him about this but in future I'd like to think up a good response to assert a boundary there and let him know I'm not pleased with this.

We do actually get on very well generally.

OP posts:
DysmalRadius · 17/05/2022 11:37

What did you say when he brought this up? I think you need to be firm in telling him that you aren't looking for input from someone no longer with the company and that you appreciate her offer but it's entirely unnecessary.

Original poster
Lucia23 · 17/05/2022 11:38

Subbaxeo · 17/05/2022 11:36

I’m surprised your company would agree to this. Has she actually left the company? If she has, it’s very inappropriate to discuss current client projects with an ex employee. Maybe you could say to him, ‘thanks, but as she no longer works here, it breaches client confidentiality so I’m not comfortable with doing that. She’ll have her current job to concentrate on/retirement to enjoy now.’

I don't think my boss would be pleased about this. But he has a lot on his plate just now so I'd rather nip it in the bud somehow than make it a thing unless necessary.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lucia23 · 17/05/2022 11:40

DysmalRadius · 17/05/2022 11:37

What did you say when he brought this up? I think you need to be firm in telling him that you aren't looking for input from someone no longer with the company and that you appreciate her offer but it's entirely unnecessary.

I didn't handle it very well. I said 'id think about and decide the best option' and he said 'of course it's your call'. I was so shocked by it I didn't handle it as well as I could.

OP posts:
TigerLilyTail · 17/05/2022 11:43

I actually think your response was fine. If he mentions it again, I’d just say that everything is in hand and not to worry about it.

Original poster
Lucia23 · 17/05/2022 12:01

TigerLilyTail · 17/05/2022 11:43

I actually think your response was fine. If he mentions it again, I’d just say that everything is in hand and not to worry about it.

Well that's good to hear. Yeah I just need an 'im handling this' style default response.

Tbh I feel some sensitivity around the fact I'm a woman and ten years younger than him too. As though I must be helpless and need the extra help, when I'm totally capable.

OP posts:
KettrickenSmiled · 17/05/2022 12:04

Anyway this morning this colleague tells me he's been discussing our project with my predecessor and she has offered tips and advice on possible ways to help manage the project. He said I could call her if I want to chat more.

Ignore it.
If he raises it again, peer at him closely. Look worried. Say -
"You know X doesn't work here any more, don't you?"

LookItsMeAgain · 17/05/2022 14:25

Does your predecessor work somewhere else now? Because what your colleague is doing could be seen as sharing corporate information with a competitor. He shouldn't be doing it.

You've dealt with the conversations very well up to now but I think you do need to escalate the conversations and that he's talking to the former employee about stuff that is happening in your company and you think it's very inappropriate, and ethically wrong.

Brefugee · 17/05/2022 14:27

gosh OP. Nip it in the bud with a "i don't need any tips thank you i have complete control of what i'm doing". Double points if you can give him a tip or two to improve his performance.

You absolutely do have to bug your boss with this. Ask him if there are any elements of your performance he is unhappy with, for example and take it from there.

CruCru · 17/05/2022 14:31

I can see why you'd be uncomfortable. Has your predecessor actually left the company or has she moved to a different role within the company? If she is still working for the company, he isn't actually being inappropriate (unless you have strict rules about sharing departmental work with other departments).

If she has left the company then it really isn't okay to have him discussing your projects with her.

2bazookas · 17/05/2022 14:54

If she's moved for a full time promoted job it's hard to see how she'd have time to be your unpaid mentor (let alone attend your "work lunches").

So perhaps she's unemployed? New job fell apart? Hoping to get her old job back?

If her Bestie mentions her "helping" you again, just make a sad face and say it's a crying shame her new life hasn't worked out for her but really, you are too busy to help him prop her up.

Original poster
Lucia23 · 17/05/2022 15:39

CruCru · 17/05/2022 14:31

I can see why you'd be uncomfortable. Has your predecessor actually left the company or has she moved to a different role within the company? If she is still working for the company, he isn't actually being inappropriate (unless you have strict rules about sharing departmental work with other departments).

If she has left the company then it really isn't okay to have him discussing your projects with her.

She has completely left. Left before I joined.

He joked she could offer 'project management from afar' - the more I think about it the more rude I find it.

I've become an excellent PM in recent years which is why I landed the job. And already been told I've improved systems and had great feedback. Honestly, I found it insulting rather than helpful.

If he raises it again I will shut him down. We've had a good relationship til now but I can't see why he thinks this is appropriate.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 17/05/2022 15:41

You should ask him who used to do his job and whether he would like them to come back and give him advice. It sounds to me like he's sucking up to that woman.

Tigofigo · 17/05/2022 15:47

I think the best thing you could do is laugh it off / shut it down without making a big deal. Such as, "ah thanks but I've got it in hand" "thanks for the offer but it's all good."

The ex colleague needs to move on and your current colleague needs to stop talking about you and your work behind your back!

godmum56 · 17/05/2022 15:52

Lucia23 · 17/05/2022 15:39

She has completely left. Left before I joined.

He joked she could offer 'project management from afar' - the more I think about it the more rude I find it.

I've become an excellent PM in recent years which is why I landed the job. And already been told I've improved systems and had great feedback. Honestly, I found it insulting rather than helpful.

If he raises it again I will shut him down. We've had a good relationship til now but I can't see why he thinks this is appropriate.

Show quote history

If it was me, I would point out to him that it could get him into real trouble discussing projects outside of the company and its not a good habit to get into....you are of course "concerned about the trouble he could get into" If he is going to do such a risky thing then can he please not involve you.

Original poster
Lucia23 · 17/05/2022 16:00

Tigofigo · 17/05/2022 15:47

I think the best thing you could do is laugh it off / shut it down without making a big deal. Such as, "ah thanks but I've got it in hand" "thanks for the offer but it's all good."

The ex colleague needs to move on and your current colleague needs to stop talking about you and your work behind your back!

I just find it bizarre. What would motivate her to offer for me to call her and discuss? Whenever I leave a job I'm happy to shut the door behind me and that's that. I certainly wouldn't step on my replacement's toes.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lucia23 · 17/05/2022 16:01

HollowTalk · 17/05/2022 15:41

You should ask him who used to do his job and whether he would like them to come back and give him advice. It sounds to me like he's sucking up to that woman.

Yeah I agree - I actually met her once at the final interview and the two of them were very close together at the time I noted.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 17/05/2022 16:03

I've just re-read and you have been there six months! It's outrageous that he keeps on doing this.

yellowsuninthesky · 17/05/2022 16:46

HollowTalk · 17/05/2022 16:03

I've just re-read and you have been there six months! It's outrageous that he keeps on doing this.

I agree. I also agree that you handled it well. If he raises it again, say well she doesn't work here anymore so that wouldn't be appropriate. If he carries on raising it, tell your boss.

LookItsMeAgain · 17/05/2022 17:11

Reading your updates makes me think that you must take it up with your mutual manager. Who knows what sort of comments he has been dropping into conversation with this woman about the projects that are underway in your company.

If this woman has retired and is retired (as in not in any form of full time or part time employment) then all your colleague is doing is chatting with her. However, if she is in employment (part time or otherwise) in a similar line of business, then he could be telling her lots of things that he shouldn't and could get him in to a lot of trouble.

notacooldad · 17/05/2022 17:18

What would motivate her to offer for me to call her and discuss? Whenever I leave a job I'm happy to shut the door behind me and that's that
She may not have said a word. It could be that he is offering on her behalf and making out that she has suggested it. Why? Because he wants her around again maybe.

KettrickenSmiled · 17/05/2022 17:30

I just find it bizarre. What would motivate her to offer for me to call her and discuss? Whenever I leave a job I'm happy to shut the door behind me and that's that. I certainly wouldn't step on my replacement's toes.
She probably hasn't.
You only have his word for it. And he's a weirdo.

WeOnlyTalkAboutBruno · 17/05/2022 18:11

He fancies her. This way he gets to keep talking to her.

meh it’s a theory.