To feel undermined by this behaviour at work?

[Lucia23]

I started a new job 6 months ago, taking over from a woman Ive never met. Some things were left in a bit of a mess and I've simplified some of her processed - with positive feedback from clients as a result. But she was well liked overall and left on good terms.

Passed my probationary with flying colours, get on well with bosses and colleagues etc. But there is one colleague, a man, who is great friends with my predecessor.

Initially he started inviting her to every work lunch, which I didn't feel v comfortable with, as I wanted to get to know my new colleagues in my own right.

Now I am working on a project with him, all going well except the client tends towards anxiety about updates (he is like this with my boss and it's no big deal - he just needs more reassurance). Anyway this morning this colleague tells me he's been discussing our project with my predecessor and she has offered tips and advice on possible ways to help manage the project. He said I could call her if I want to chat more.

This felt really bad to me, as though she needs to step in where I'm going wrong - I'm fairly self aware and there are no issues. I think he's out of order for involving her given I took over this job. Perhaps he just misses her! AIBU?

YABU - being too sensitive
YANBU - it's inappropriate

Would she be seeking to wangle her way back in as a ‘consultant’ and he’s sowing the seeds?

entirely possible

Also possible that her new employment hasn't worked out and she wants to come back.

Or both!

I think that if you have a good tone with him, I would just take it up with him directly. Ask him for a chat and tell him you are uncomfortable with him discussing your work with her and that you have it in hand without outside input. If he is a decent guy, he will be embarrassed and stop. I think in a work-setting, always start with the most low-key and least confrontational way of dealing with something, before bring in managers or laying down the law or whatever.

How about emailing him.

You could thank him for the suggestion to contact his old colleague as you are sure that he meant well but that it is completely unnecessary.

That you do not need any assistance on the project, however well meant.

Also you believe that it would be inappropriate and a breach of company and client confidentiality.

Copy your boss or not.
You will have a paper trail.

In a lot of organisations this would really be frowned upon.

I think he is a CF and a twit.

I think you're on to something.

I remembered thinking it first time I saw them together. I'm afraid it's not up to me to give him an excuse to sustain their connection!

For now I think I'll leave it but if he raises it again I will speak to him privately first. I think if I address it head on he will drop it...I hope.

As a few others have said in other terms, isn't there a "commercial in confidence" clause in your contracts? Or does that not apply in the private sector any more?!

Maybe he was v reliant on her & is anxious that nobody else will get it properly & that if you just do it the way they were doing it then everything will be fine. So maybe it’s about his anxiety? It’s completely unprofessional & weird tbh. Maybe say “yes I’ve got this but are you sure you have??”
Like he needs her to oversee it still bcos either he’s got no confidence in himself or he can’t cope with change & so is trying to get you to do it their way.
Maybe??

I'd call his bluff and say "that's interesting you think we need to involve X, why do you think that? "

And then depending on his response point out she has now left the company and you feel it's not appropriate to share client details with anyone outside the company, even if they are a good friend of his.

I'd have an informal chat to my boss about it though, just in case there is any other weird dynamics going on with him/ the ex employee historically that it's worth you knowing.

It is basically a breach of Data Protection law and you don't want to end up looking like you were involved in that.

"I started a new job 6 months ago, taking over from a woman Ive never met."

But you have met her? In the final interview, and at work lunches?

"Anyway this morning this colleague tells me he's been discussing our project with my predecessor and she has offered tips and advice on possible ways to help manage the project. He said I could call her if I want to chat more."

He is definitely trying to undermine you, and perhaps set you up. If you contact her, it's going to reflect badly on you. Are you the project manager? He is gaslighting you by telling you that you need some tips.

You need to let your manager know asap. I didn't involve a previous manager on an issue, as they were quite busy, but it didn't take long for things to escalate. Wish I could use hindsight and change how I did things as the warning signs were there early on, and I was too busy 'being nice' and not trying to upset the other person.

Going against the grain, I don't see it as a problem. My boss left our dept. He was the best boss ever and great fun. When we had dos out, we always invited him.
I'm not saying you're not a great project manager but we can all learn more. You get on with this guy, he only mentioned it and then let it go. It sounds like he was being friendly. Why make such an issue? You could find yourself coming across as insecure - asserting your boundaries and all that. I think a response of 'I'll bear it in mind is great'. He'll see you not taking up the offer but you at the same time you've shown him respect.

I think as an individual comment it's good to brush off etc however, it has some quite serious tentacles and you definitely want to protect yourself for the potential of any of them.

If he actually has spoken to her - and you can only believe him because he's told you he has - then he's breached protocols. You knowing this now potentially makes you complicit for not reporting it.

I don't think it's something you need to make a big fuss about but I think you need to mention it to your boss to make sure you cannot be seen as complicit.

He seems strange to even say this, never mind if he's actually done it, and his motives for either situation could be multiple. As such it's worth extracting yourself straight away, while keeping professional.

Yeah that’s a straightforward case of mentionitis and him wanting an excuse for as much contact with her as possible. Ick. I would be a bit ruder if he raises it again (specifically I would call him Gareth and the woman David Brent).

She might not have actually agreed to all this. It’s possible he asked her and she gave a non-reply which he took as a yes. Personally, I wouldn’t be rude to him, but just keep being firm with a no thank you, you have everything in hand.

I agree with your decision to raise it privately. And seem to think it is an excuse to meet with her.

I also think your response was fine. I wouldn't escalate it to your manager, though I may casually in passing both to this guy and anyone else, "x seems to really miss y, they must have been close". That intimate statement that puts it back on him and should make him squirm. Keep it about their bond, don't make it about your work.

I was reading our Code of Conduct yesterday- there's a bit in there about not discussing work with them, even if you're still friends with former colleagues. It sounds like he'd definitely be breaking that.

Maybe he's got a thing for the old employee and is trying to find ways to see her again, or to say her name. Definitely not ok though, very undermining for you!

I think you’re handling it right - don’t engage with the premise at all. So if he says anything again you just brush it off with ‘no need!’ or something equally dismissive, and keep doing it til he gets the message.

However, if he says anything like it in front of other people or, god forbid, the client - that’s when you get your manager involves as that moves it from potentially misguided to professionally damaging for you and your company.

If ex colleague is not on the company's payroll she has no say in its operations and should not be getting updates from your colleague. End of... Sounds like they are both struggling to let things go and move on.

Your response has been fine but keep shutting it down. Yes he is undermining you but maybe it just because of his close working relationship with the ex colleague and you are changing how she did things.

In fact your only response to the 'offer of help from afar' from ex colleague should be - I believe that would be against company policy.

Warning shot across the bow and hopefully that is an end to it.