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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He is ALWAYS perfectly excusable

27 replies

PetersRabbitt · 17/05/2022 09:14

There’s this guy, we’ve only been seeing each other for 6 weeks and we are completely using one another for our own personal reasons and we are both fine with that.

However, in just 6 weeks his cancelled 3 times! Which is a problem for me, I don’t like ending up doing nothing because I feel I can’t then go out with friends when I’ve already said I’m busy in case they feel I’m using them and I really like my friends and wouldn’t want them to feel second best, so if I’ve arranged to not go out with them I don’t then change my mind as I think it looks bad so end up sitting at home doing nothing.

Everytime though his had a perfect excuse as to why his cancelled….everything conveniently happens, for instance I was supposed to go to his, he said he was I’ll but I was around the corner so drove past anyway and discovered his car wasn’t there- so to me he was obviously out with his mates instead. Which is fine if he had just said he wanted to do that, so then I could have made other plans too.
When I said about his car not being there, conveniently, his brothers car had broken down and he was using it which is why it wasn’t at his house and he says he was home as he was ill.

His lying isn’t he? I don’t really care about him and he doesn’t care about me, but I hate people wasting my time regardless of the relationship so told him I’m not interested in hanging out with him anymore.

In the back of mind I do think maybe it’s genuine reasons though, but surly not…3 different times in 6 weeks just can’t be right? Right?

OP posts:
OneTC · 17/05/2022 09:20

Crikey

1000yellowdaisies · 17/05/2022 09:22

3 cancellations in 6 weeks is a lot but what were his other reasons other than being ill?
I think you also need to be more honest about the relationship and how invested you are in it. You've said you're both using each other yet you drove round to his house to check his story and you've said you've already told him you don't want to see him anymore but are asking for opinions of MN rather than just binning him off and that being the end of it.
Really only you know if hes lying. But honestly if your is guts telling you he is then i would listen to it....

pictish · 17/05/2022 09:23

If you don’t care about him and he’s annoying you it seems simple enough to me.
I find petty liars unattractive. Cba with it.

Original poster
PetersRabbitt · 17/05/2022 09:27

I understand it looks that’s way but I’m not invested at all.
I was already out and heading home and his house was kind off on the way so it’s not like I actively went out my way to check, I was heading past him anyway.

My gut says his lying but I suppose I was wondering if maybe it’s genuine. I just think it’s highly convenient his brothers car broke and had to use his, the timing is always perfect, he always has perfect excuses. I didn’t want to come across as a bitch if the reasons were genuine but I really can’t see 3 times that it was, I don’t think it’s realistic and was just wondering what mumsnet thought too.

OP posts:
KettrickenSmiled · 17/05/2022 09:30

In the back of mind I do think maybe it’s genuine reasons though, but surly not…3 different times in 6 weeks just can’t be right? Right?

Seems like he was bullshitting - but whether his reasons were genuine or not, who cares?

You don't care about each other, & you have saved yourself the annoyance of being stood up again by a flake, signalled that you are not going to be messed around, & made room for a new FWB or b/f who respects your time.

Reckon you made the right call.

Original poster
PetersRabbitt · 17/05/2022 09:30

I can’t even remember what the excuses where the other two times as like I said, I’m not invested and don’t care about him in that way, but I do remember they were perfect excuses but now it’s been 3 times….it’s like something clicked and went “hang on a minute”

I’ve cancelled seeing him now, and was worried I looked like a bitch but now I’m thinking about it more I think I’m not being a bitch and I’m right.

OP posts:
SleeplessInEngland · 17/05/2022 09:30

Sounds like you're annoyed you're more into him than he's into you. Which is a valid annoyance, but maybe it's time to let this one go.

UmbilicusProfundus · 17/05/2022 09:32

I didn’t think you could drive until you were 17. Are you outside the UK?

Sorry, I know that is mean, but come on!

Rogue1001MNer · 17/05/2022 09:33

Maybe the way to look at it is, if the reasons were genuine, he's a more flaky person than you, so not compatible anyway

Original poster
PetersRabbitt · 17/05/2022 09:34

Why would you think I’m under 17?
Did you not know that women also enjoy casual sex and someone to hang out with?

OP posts:
LaingsAcidTab · 17/05/2022 09:34

I think you're lying to yourself about what you're expecting from him. I also think you need to raise your standards: just because it's a casual arrangement from a relationship point of view, it doesn't mean that you then need to accept sloppiness and a lack of respect on his part.

Aquamarine1029 · 17/05/2022 09:37

You are not being honest with yourself. At all. If you really didn't care you would never have even thought about writing this post.

Giveitall · 17/05/2022 09:39

I think he’ll click his fingers & you’ll go running again.
Get over it. Move on.

ManateeFair · 17/05/2022 09:40

He’s not that into you and yes, of course he’s lying.

If you don’t care about him I don’t understand why you’d be trying to analyse this. Just ditch him.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 17/05/2022 09:40

If its a casual relationship where you are both using each other, then I don't see why you are either bothered or surprised when he makes excuses. Surely that's exactly what happens in a relationship like that. If a better offer comes along you take it.

1000yellowdaisies · 17/05/2022 09:44

PetersRabbitt · 17/05/2022 09:34

Why would you think I’m under 17?
Did you not know that women also enjoy casual sex and someone to hang out with?

If the relationship was purely casual sex you wouldn't care about any of this and certainly not enough to post etc.

Original poster
PetersRabbitt · 17/05/2022 09:44

Im not lying to myself, don’t forget this has only been 6 weeks, not 6 months so I think investment is a very strong word for something with such a short time span, I genuinely couldn’t give a shit.

The reason I’m questioning it is because my gut is telling me his lying through his teeth but he is begging and pleading and saying it has just genuinely worked out that way and it’s just been bad luck and things have come up, so I guess I’m doubting a tiny bit.

Even so, I won’t be seeing him again regardless because flaky isn’t something I’m going to accept, even if they are genuine reasons but sometimes hearing others on a forum backing up your decision helps to reassure your decision.

OP posts:
Original poster
PetersRabbitt · 17/05/2022 09:47

I was only bothered when he made excuses because I ended up being home alone instead of out with my mates, nothing to do with the fact he cancelled and all to do with me sitting at home doing nothing.

OP posts:
TheYearOfSmallThings · 17/05/2022 09:47

If he has nothing better on, he will see you. If anything better offers, he will drop you. If you keep seeing him this will keep happening.

FabulousKilljoys · 17/05/2022 09:55

He's lying, you don't care another him, move on. The end.

FabulousKilljoys · 17/05/2022 09:55

*about him

WildNights · 17/05/2022 10:09

You don’t need mumsnet to reassure you. You’re an adult that has made a decision, it doesn’t matter if anyone else thinks you’re a bitch. You don’t owe this man anything, it was a casual thing and it’s not making you happy.

mumda · 17/05/2022 10:25

I think you know what the sensible thing to do is.
Find someone else. Or no one.
You don't trust him so don't continue.

Ohmybod · 17/05/2022 10:30

You “genuinely couldn’t give a shit”…yet when he cancelled you jumped in your car and drove past his house and then shared with him that you did this!! After 6 weeks!! If a date did this to me I’d be running for the hills.

Start calling your real life friends when he cancels and ask to join them. They will not think YOU are using THEM. They will think you are being used by HIM and will tell you to dump and move on.

KettrickenSmiled · 17/05/2022 10:36

I’ve cancelled seeing him now, and was worried I looked like a bitch but now I’m thinking about it more I think I’m not being a bitch and I’m right.

Why are you worrying about whether you are a bitch?
If he was lying about his flakiness - you were not being a bitch to finish it.
If he was telling the truth - you were not being a bitch to finish it.

Women don't owe men attention, sex or relationships.
No matter what the reason you ended it with him - you are not a bitch for doing so.

I hope you have a good long think about that, & why you felt you need MN 'permission' - validation - whatever, to act exactly as you saw fit over this man.
You were right to post though, so please don't feel I am criticising you - it's not that at all! Simply that the best lesson you can take from this short fling is that you don't need to justify your wish to stop seeing a man. Ever.
OK?

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