To ask if this tantrum is normal and if responding correctly

[strawberrycheesecake1989]

DS is 20 months. He’s never liked his pram much but with age has got more comfortable with it and often is happy to be in it. It’s also quite a good way to get him to nap. But still, never been the sort of baby/toddler who’d happy be sat on a stationary pram.

the last two weeks he goes absolutely ape shit (literally the most fitting word) if you try and put him in his buggy. I’ve tried all the usual tricks which used to work e.g. giving him a snack whilst I place him in, a toy, even my phone with a show on if I’m really desperate, having the front door open so he can see I’m putting him in the buggy so we can go out and have fun. One of it works anyway.

sorry, I’ve got two questions, as my husband has been asking me if it’s normal as he says he’s never seen a toddler do this:

he got totally wild if you try and out him in. If you put him on and persevere with him staying out and carry on walking he starts violently thrashing around to the point I think he’d actually manage to fling himself out of his straps and out of the buggy

he’ll thrash around having such an e pic tantrum that he’ll actually start hurting himself as he’ll be throwing his head back and his head will hit the sides of the buggy.

at this point I take him out

my husband thinks I’m wrong to do that because now he know if he protests enough he’ll get what he wants and I’m making it worse.

i normally end up putting him in my baby carrier but on my back instead. MAybe I am wrong to do that and it’s not helping myself in the long-run but I just want peace even if it means having chronic back pain from constantly holding and carrrying him.

how do I deal with these tantrums, especially regarding the buggy.

Aibu and my husband is right?

thanks

oh gosh sorry about all the typos

Why go to all that effort and stress for everyone if you're just going to take him out again??

I agree with your DH, giving in to tantrums is never the way forward - you might as well put him in the backpack carrier to start with, at least then you’re not teaching him to kick off to get his own way!

He can’t do any serious damage to himself in a buggy - I imagine it would only take a couple of times of you not taking him out when he kicks off to stop the problem.

Let him walk or use the carrier? I don’t see the need to go through all that stress

@GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat i don’t mind a book t of wingding in the pram if I know it’s just because he’s not getting his way. I resort to taking him out the pram when he’s practically having a fit in the pram and is at risk of injuring himself.

am I meant to just leave him to it? (Genuine question)

these toddler tantrums have come on quick and hard and I’m at a loss as to how I should respond in these situations

Agreed. But why are you carrying him, you'll knacker your back, let him walk instead.

If you're not going to leave him in the pram why are you putting both of you through the stress of it?

yeah I let him walk as much as possible but he only wants to hold my hand for so long Before he wants to go up to park cars and pull on the handles etc Or he yanks back so that he’s not holding my hand

But does he ever go in with just a bit of a whinge? You said nothing works so you get him out again, implying that it's every time.

I think it’s normal. One of mine used to have absolute fits about going in the pram. They stopped after a couple of months because it was just non negotiable - I have four and the smaller two went in the double buggy so dd and ds could go on buggy board/hold on to pram handle. I couldn’t have just carried them. I tried to just ignore it and make the pram fun ie ‘ok time to get in’ then lots of chatting about how we’re going out. It was a bit like the tantrums about the car seat. Some things I wouldn’t pick as my hill to die on, others I think are necessary.

If you’re happy to carry him I wouldn’t go through all the hassle putting him in the pram, then taking him out when he kicks off.

DD2 used to be like that. She even had tantrums in her sleep where she'd shout "don't strap me in!" "I hate my buggy".

About a month before ds was due, she suddenly turned to me and said "that baby is not using my buggy", which was quite funny as she'd spent the last 3.5 years refusing to go in it.

When she was tiny I had her in a sling, and dd1 in the buggy, when older she often went on the buggy board and dd1 in the buggy. Bribes would always get dd1 in the buggy. Never dd2.

So basically she ended up on reins, which she didn't mind, except when she was tired she used to pick her feet up and expect to be carried like that.

Crosspost. Yes, leave him to it. He's not going to injure himself, at worst he'll bump his head. Not a big deal.

The number one rule of tantrums is never, ever, ever give in. EVER.

Also it’s all very well to say ‘oh let him walk’ if you’re going a quiet potter to the park on a Sunday morning, but a 20 month old isn’t going to be great at walking miles to the shops/nursery etc when you’re in a rush. So I needed mine to tolerate the pushchair really.

I doubt he could fling himself out of the buggy but yes, tantrums are just normal. I sat in John Lewis for 90 minutes once with my two year old thrashing on the floor. I found 'French children don't throw food' a really good book about tantrums. It's mainly common sense.
About how kids, like adults, need structure. A framework. So give them the framework and let them make choices within that.
So 'we are going to the shop and the park for a snack but it means going in the buggy or we stay here and Mummy does jobs but won't play with you. You choose'.
And quite frankly, if they make the choice and then refuse I carry through with it. They won't hurt themselves albeit it's awkward as hell if you feel like people are watching.
Know that they aren't. And trust yourself.

@MolliciousIntent

the intention is to leave him in the pram, but the tantrum becomes more and more extreme and he starts violently thrashing around and hitting his head on the sides of the buggy i just think it’s all too much and I can’t bear to watch him in such a state so at that point I give him and carry him / let him walk for a bit (just to be clear)

What about getting a buggy board with a seat so you can push the buggy and stick a teddy in there or something?

But that’s the problem - he now knows if he acts a certain way you will give in and take him out. I would strap him in then ignore and briskly walk. He’ll then get past the association with the pram equalling screaming until he’s no longer in the pram. But if right now the routine is go in pram-scream and scream-get out of pram and run round then that’s his habit and what he’ll continue to do.

@MolliciousIntent

ok starting tomorrow I’ll never give into a tantrum. even if it means everyone on the bus is staring at me 😂

Do you think he wants to get in the push chair himself? Mine's a little older than yours but around that age started losing his mind if we tried to put him in his push chair or car seat. We were lucky in that he was quite verbal and soon started screaming "I DO IT!!!" mid-tantrum, so we just started letting him climb in himself. It takes a little longer, especially when they're just figuring out how to do it, but worth it to avoid the standoff IMO.
There's almost always a reason for a tantrum (whether it seems like a rational reason to an adult is a different matter!) and I think a useful starting point in terms of dealing with them is trying to figure out what the reason or the trigger is. Yes, you can overpower him and just force him in (and sometimes you may have to) but it's far more gratifying to try and see what's going on in his head and find a solution that works for both of you.

Yes I'd say this is normal behaviour for some toddlers. They are bloody annoying beings tbh 😂

I have a push chair refuser and 'letting him walk' or carrying them doesn't always work. Sometimes I need to be somewhere quick and sometimes need to carry a bag so can't carry them (well I have a newborn now too so can't carry 2)

She is nearly 2 1/2 now so getting better at walking and (sometimes) compromising now but what did help at that age I got a push along trike thing second hand, it made the whole sitting and getting pushed along a bit dinner.

Sympathies to you though cause toddler tantrums are hell 😂

Honestly I think once you’ve said “you need to do xyz” then you really can’t back down.

Avoid that particular tantrum altogether - in your shoes I’d be thinking of another way to get him around, ie he has to walk but take the buggy in case he gets so tired he’ll want to use it. Don’t take the carrier if it hurts your back.

thank you

Let them stare. If you give in once, you teach your kid he only needs to throw a fit to get his own way. If you never give in, he learns there's no point in throwing a fit.

I remember showing my DH the trick to getting a tantrumming toddler in their car seat. I had to remind him with each DC. Its horrific, but normal.

Some suggestions

you cant carry him if its hurting your back, is he a good walker, would he walk with reins
would he ride a push trike thingy where its a trike buggy combo

if you need to keep using the buggy then start one day when you have loads of time and nowhere to be. Stock up on a couple of small treats he really loves (choc buttons etc). Make sure the buggy is up and ready in the front hall with the straps open and reach to be fastened
Tell him you are going out and he is going to ride in the buggy to the park and then he can get out and play (dont ask - tell)
Ask him if he would like to climb in himself or for you to jump him in and do up the straps and then he can have a treat for being a helpful boy
If he says no tell him he can have until you count to three to choose or you will put him in. Count. Put him in.
When he goes rigid, put your forearm across his hip joints and make him bend, then use the other hand to grab the straps and clip them. Once you have the waist strap done you can then go back for the arms.
Ignore the screaming, kicking, hitting and keep your voice quiet and calm. Get walking outside and tell him when he is still and quiet like a nice passenger he will get his treat. Walk to the playground, play for 5 mins then come home. After 15 mins at home, repeat. Try and do it at least four times that day. You want to wear him down and set the new behaviour rules.

If you cant get him in the buggy, let him flail and strop and then try again. You want to win the war, he can think he is winning the battle.

If he lets you jump him in, ask him how high, make a game of it, zoom him like a plane

Hope some of this helps, pick and choose the bits that will work for you, every child and parent is different

You just described my son! By 20 months he was very confident in walking but didn't follow directions. He'd cry if you needed to turn left and he wanted to carry on. I used the reins which are like a harness so if he does snatch his hand away I can grab those. I took him for walks to quieter places to get him used to following. I found it a lot easier than wrestling to get him into a buggy or carrying him everywhere. He would throw his head side to side in the buggy and knocked himself quite a few times, was awful.