To move DD to another school at end of Y9

[Tinkerbellone]

Sorry this is long. I've tried to include as much relevant info as possible.
DD 14 is a kind sweet funny girl, also very self obsessed like most teenagers.
She is not happy at school. Unkind kids. She seems to drift from friendship to friendship. She doesn't seem to have the resilience deal with unkindness and mean kids at school. Or maintain friendships.

She's had history of self harm and not managing her emotions well. Poor attendance. She's had some therapy through Camhs and hasn't self harmed in a while.
She is begging me to change schools.
I'm loathe to do so because: I think the friendship issues are might be due to her (I don't know what but she can't seem to maintain them); I am pursuing an ASD/ADHD assessment thought school and this could take 2 years; It's a good school and they're very supportive of her and her vulnerabilities.
However, she shared today the things kids say and do:

They call her an emo (because of scars on her arms) and a fat emo. She's not fat. She's beautiful. I('m not being blind/proud mother but family & friends comment to me).
Kids say she's spotty and say 'have you ever heard of concealer?' And when she puts more makeup on they say, 'wow you've caked it on today' she does have some acne.
Recently someone took a photo of her, with group of kids. She had her mouth open talking. They photoshopped a massive penis on it next to her mouth. It circulated school. Apparently, the kids do this regularly to other kids' siblings and teachers etc and it circulates on group chats.
Is this normal? Is this going to happen at other schools? She says she wants a fresh start. Teachers at this school are kind and supportive of DD. But the kids are clearly awful- from DD's POV.

Can I ask What you would do? Is Y9 to late to change schools? Is this avoidant?

(Her cohort in primary school was very toxic- many parents moved their children to other schools because of this- I was also a governor there so knew it was; I moved her in Y6 and she was much happier).

Some of the incidents you describe are unacceptable. You need to report them and get the school to take action. However it may well be better for your dd to have a fresh start.

I don't have much experience myself but my niece had some similar issues when s

@cansu Thank you. She's begged me not to tell school else it will make things worse.
I'm also wondering how moving would have an effect on her GCSE's and options. She's very musical and music was withdrawn after she chose it. Might she take this at another school or is Y9 too late?

Definitely move her. That’s bullying, the photo thing is particularly serious, I hope you have already reported it to the school and followed up with the head to demand they take action? If not why not?!

She’ll do better elsewhere. It does sound like a particularly chavvy school, is there anywhere with better brought up children that you can commute to?

Sorry posted before I had finished..

My niece had similar issues and her mum moved her straight away. A year down the line she is even more unhappy then she's ever been and actually started self harming when she moved to the new school. When asked now she said she regrets moving school as she now has no friends whatsoever as opposed to a few, although not great, friendships from her previous old school. She said she now feels like the new freak and no one gives her the time if day.

Granted she moved and then lockdown happened making it hard to make friends via zoom etc but we were all of the opinion that the problem wouldn't immaculately resolve itself with a new location and that the present problems should be tackled rather then run away from.

It could be different and your daughter might move and be much happier but I often find moving schools just puts a plaster over the issues. .

@Neverreturntoathread she shared the photo info with me tonight but only if I promised not to tell school, because it would make it all Worse for her and she would be a 'snitch'.
I will of course call school tomorrow.

@RubyEmma212121 yes that's what I'm worried about. At a new school she will have to make friends in established friendship groups. I explained this and she said 'well I've not got a friendship group even now'. She has some friends. It appears they aren't always nice though.

Tricky

Normally I would say that the start of year 9 is the latest point for choosing to move, because it gives the pupil a chance to find their feet before GCSE work really kicks in (and to be in the right place if the school starts any GCSE courses before year 10)

But your DD sounds so unhappy that her GCSEs could be a disaster anyhow if she stays put. I'd be wary of moving because of unhappiness that may prove transitory, but this sounds more settled (only you can be the judge of that)

But you need to think about the nuts and bolts - what other school could she join? What would make you sure it would be an improvement?

I'm afraid that nasty behaviour of the kinds you describe crops up from time to time in all schools. What matters is what the school does about it - not just what they say they do (policies, structures etc) but whether their actions live up to their words. Unless you have reliable, sensible friends with averagely behaved DC at your target new school/s then it might be difficult to find out. Because of course you don't want to go from frying pan to fire

Sorry, I think my arse is on the fence. Hope my ramblings are of some use though

@carltonscroop yes this is my thoughts to. I'm on the fence. I want to show I'm listening to her... but my gut says not to move her because I think the problems will persist and most secondary schools have horrible people and so do work places- so she's got to learn some strategies to deal with this. Is that too harsh of me though?

Do it but get cracking ASAP!

Op the kids sound vile and I would move her. I teach secondary and can tell you...start of Y10 is a good time to move and make friends as new fresh faces are welcomed.... as the kids at the next school are all a bit sick of each other's company from Y7 to Y9.....new kids are often very popular!! I would move her. My kid was bullied. I moved her and told her...fresh new start (with tactful advice about a couple of behaviours she had which might have attracted the bullies). She was a different kid. Can she look into joining any after school clubs to get her off on a positive track at the new school?

Hi, we are having some similar issues, Dd is the same age/year as yours. I am pretty disenchanted with the school at the mo but I am hoping some of the silliness and disruption will ease as the kids knuckle down for GCSEs.

dd has just been diagnosed with ASD, one of the things she finds tricky is transitions so she doesn’t want to leave and does have one or two good friends and a wider, slightly toxic, friendship group, so isn’t keen on moving.

also, for us, there aren’t loads of good nearby schools to choose from, anywhere decent is oversubscribed. A few parents have gone private, it wouldn’t be impossible for us but it would be tricky.

do you have somewhere in mind? Could DD at least visit? Maybe have a taster day? Does she have any friends at other schools? It’s hard, I would say she could move at the end of y9 but any later move would be very tricky. Best of luck to you and DD.

I don't think things could be any worse at another school and they might be better. If she is desperate to move then I would let her and I'd do it asap before she gets any closer to her GCSE years. I would talk to the next school about her difficulties and see if they have anything they could put in place to help her. It would be great if she could do music as well. I'd look into it asap.

I would move her. My dd moved at the end of year 9 for similar reasons. She went to a smaller school and although they'd started the GCSEs in year 9 she was able to catch up and left last year with very good results. She still struggled to make and maintain friendships but moving from the negative atmosphere in her old school was the best thing for her.

@Mediumred there are a couple of schools she could go to. I think they have places. One is classed as 'rough' but the kids that go are all a bit different so she might fit in a bit more. I think a visit would be a good idea

Take her to visit the other two schools before you make any decisions. It will show her you are taking her concerns seriously but will also give her the reality check that it wont be an easy option either.

I moved during y9 due to similar circumstances. In my first school I was absolutely miserable and couldn't make good friends, and sad to say I contemplated suicide. I don't think that it being an all girl's school helped.
I moved to a new school which was known for being a bit rough but alot of my primary friends went there. Never looked back, it was the best thing to happen to me. I thrived with relationships and my education, and my confidence went through the roof.
It may not be the answer for everyone, but in my case it was 100% the best thing. I hope your daughter settles wherever she goes to school next year

If you do move her, are there any clubs/groups she can join over summer period or at weekends to try and make friends outside of school. That way if she finds it difficult to make friends in school, she might still be able to hold some confidence from having friends outside that setting or things to look forward to after school/at weekends?

Please google inattentive ADHD as this is more common than people realise with children born as females. Part of the inattentiveness is that these children miss social clues so appear a bit quirky. To be honest I think her mental health is more important than her GCSES. All she needs is the grades she needs to get to what she wants to do next. The tricky bit for you is the grass is not always greener. BUT they do sound quite dreadful in this school - my daughter has inattentive ADHD and while she struggles with friendships the children are not mean to her like they seem to be with your daughter. I think maybe a co-ed school would be better for your daughter.

If I read this 17 years ago I would think this is my own mother writing it. The vile little bullies in my old school started off doing stupid things to me and then it got violent and they would push me down the stairs, put gum in my hair and spit on me. I just had enough!

I got moved in year 9 - best decision ever. Made a new group of friends, the self harming stopped, the depression faded away and the grades dramatically improved! Please do not hesitate, especially if your DD is asking for the move!

@Pinklady245612 @ChloeHel thank you for sharing your experiences. After reading the responses on this thread in more and more inclined to move her. It feels like such a big risk though

@ittakes2 - thank you I read it- yes that's my DD!! I'm considering a private assessment because I can't wait 2 years going through the system. Might have to sell a kidney :(

@Wherehasthecommonsensegone she loves rugby and did play but left just beige lock down because of what she perceived as mean girls. I just don't know how to build up her resilience.
Thank you though. That's a good idea I will look into clubs and different sports

Sorry you are going through this with DD OP. Some of the things you have mentioned are not acceptable and if you report them they should be dealt with by school. The person taking/sharing the photos can be tracked down and face consequences. I hate to say it but you will get this behaviour in most schools - girls are much worse than boys and even the most "affluent" schools that have "nice" kids have all of this going on. You cannot remove bullies from your DD's life unfortunately, even as she grows into an adult there will be other adults that are tw*ts and thrive on making other people miserable. My DD has been through it over the last couple of years and I've spent a lot of time (easier said than done I know) trying to change her outlook and response to these things that are said and control this rather than control the bullies themselves/remove them x

I think, as long as the new school doesn't start GCSE courses in year 9, it's completely fine to move for Year 10. There's a natural break from KS3 to KS4 anyway. As a secondary teacher I will say that kids tend to be most vile to each other in Years 8 and 9 and it usually settles during Year 10. So she could stick it out and things might improve. But equally if she goes somewhere else and isn't already known as the weirdo that people like to be mean to, it might be better than bearable and as the kids grow up she might make some friends. I take your point that there may be something about her that makes friendships difficult (and kudos for being ready to admit that), and that a new school won't change that, but sometimes a change of dynamic is enough. Could she do a taster day at a new school and see how she feels?