To move DD to another school at end of Y9

[Tinkerbellone]

Sorry this is long. I've tried to include as much relevant info as possible.
DD 14 is a kind sweet funny girl, also very self obsessed like most teenagers.
She is not happy at school. Unkind kids. She seems to drift from friendship to friendship. She doesn't seem to have the resilience deal with unkindness and mean kids at school. Or maintain friendships.

She's had history of self harm and not managing her emotions well. Poor attendance. She's had some therapy through Camhs and hasn't self harmed in a while.
She is begging me to change schools.
I'm loathe to do so because: I think the friendship issues are might be due to her (I don't know what but she can't seem to maintain them); I am pursuing an ASD/ADHD assessment thought school and this could take 2 years; It's a good school and they're very supportive of her and her vulnerabilities.
However, she shared today the things kids say and do:

They call her an emo (because of scars on her arms) and a fat emo. She's not fat. She's beautiful. I('m not being blind/proud mother but family & friends comment to me).
Kids say she's spotty and say 'have you ever heard of concealer?' And when she puts more makeup on they say, 'wow you've caked it on today' she does have some acne.
Recently someone took a photo of her, with group of kids. She had her mouth open talking. They photoshopped a massive penis on it next to her mouth. It circulated school. Apparently, the kids do this regularly to other kids' siblings and teachers etc and it circulates on group chats.
Is this normal? Is this going to happen at other schools? She says she wants a fresh start. Teachers at this school are kind and supportive of DD. But the kids are clearly awful- from DD's POV.

Can I ask What you would do? Is Y9 to late to change schools? Is this avoidant?

(Her cohort in primary school was very toxic- many parents moved their children to other schools because of this- I was also a governor there so knew it was; I moved her in Y6 and she was much happier).

Hi OP. Firstly, Un-Mumsnetty hugs to you and your DD. I am so sorry to hear that the kids in her school are just so vile. Regardless of her quirks and potential lack of social cues, there is never an excuse behaviour like that. The parents and teachers of the bullies should be ashamed.

If it was me I would move her. Does she have a particular school in mind? Is there one where music is an option? If there is a SENCO in the school it might be worth talking to them. Best of luck

Gosh this is so heartbreaking to read. My daughter has asd and I worry so much about her inability to follow social cues.

I would move her tomorrow. I would not send her in to a place where she is not safe it's absolutely disgusting and very serious bullying.

The school should be reported to the governors if they are not stamping down hard on this.

Would you go to work somewhere where you were treated like rhis ? I would say her gcses are very much down the list compared to her mental health

I did v poorly at gcse and retook some later. I'm now 44 with a high performing job. Let her move.

Not dismissing how horrible that is for your daughter because its awful and can destoy your self esteem.

but that does all sound pretty standard. There was always kids taking the piss about others bad skin/ bad make up. Called awful things for their scars (a lad that people called Shredder because the scars on his thighs "looked like he'd shagged a paper shredder".And so so many photos getting sent round, mostly of people cropped onto porn screenshots and the like.

If you were going to move her, do you or anyone you know, know any children actually at the school, preferrably in her year so they could tell you what the culture of the school is like. Other students will know if that is the sort of behaviour that goes on in the school. So that you would know it wasn't going to be more of the same?

I'm so sorry OP that sounds awful, is this sort of thing really par of the course?
How do you all deal with this as parents? The vile behaviour Op's dd is experiencing would floor me. How do you keep it together?

I wouldn't move her from a good school that is supportive of her, has strategies in place, and with whom you are mid-way through the referral process.

Some of what you describe is part of school life. There will be mean kids saying you're fat, spotty and wearing too much make up everywhere. Does she sometimes say mean things to people too? I teach and would be surprised if she doesn't. I wouldn't necessarily call it bullying unless it was happening repeatedly, and directed only at her.

Moving to a new school means making new friendships, running the risk of the kids being even worse, running the risk of her being crushingly disappointed if it doesn't work out as she hopes, running the risk of the school being less supportive.

I think the photo is unacceptable and must be reported to the school, but you risk losing her trust so tread carefully and make sure she understands that you have to act to protect her.

And speak to the school about her struggling friendships. There are things they can put in place to encourage new friendships. Do they have a counsellor or similar who could support her self esteem, resilience and strategies to identify good friendships.

This might sound negative but I think pretty much every high school is like this (photoshopped picture incident included), so I don't think moving her will solve any problems, potentially just add to them as she'll have the difficulty of joining pre-formed friendship groups. It is very daunting being in a place of 1000s who all know each other but no one knows you, even for those who are confident.
I think she should stay and perhaps through the counsellor work on her resilience, rejoin rugby etc. Btw I do think it is worth reporting the photo. Most bullies actually stop their behaviour when confronted with it. They lack the moral compass to stop themselves so if no one stands up to them, they continue so they can enjoy the power trip.

PS just for background, I went to a rough school and know people who went to posh private schools, yet have heard/seen similar stories.

I wish we had moved dc, unfortunately dh was adamant we shouldn't, by the time I was getting a managed move arranged dc shool wouldn't agree to it as it was Y10. To be honest we're just getting through each day now, when dc finishes school it's 99% likely they won't have a single friend and then we will have to get them to start at a new place for 6th form and they'll be terrified.

Honestly go for it.

Thank you for everyone's thoughts and for sharing your experiences.
It's not black and white is it. I'm still on the fence with it all. I know this kind of crap happens at every school. I'm wondering if I could pay for therapy for her to learn strategies and resilience to deal with all this stuff?
I'm very thankful that self harm isn't a coping strategy for her now.
I've contacted my preferred school and they're over subscribed :(
At least she knows I'm listening and taking it seriously.

Just cut your losses and move her now! Do not go to school about the above matter when she has told you not to, because otherwise she will not trust you again and will not share things

After I posted on here.. shes talking and it's all coming out. She gets called names almost daily.
Imagine being called names. Every. Single. Day.
I'm so bloody angry.
Why should she put up with being called a 'fat emo' and laughed at? Daily.

I thought she needed more resilience but She doesn't need bloody resilience she needs to be kept safe at school!

What on Earth can be done about stuff like this? :( I mean what CAN schools do?

She says they've had the 'be kind' mental health assemblies. She could report each child but that would make things worse for her.
Plus all local schools are over subscribed too. I feel like I never want to send her back.

Oh no, am so sorry, I posted earlier about my similar girl but saying any decent options were oversubscribed and now you are finding the same thing, am so sorry.

all I can say to be hopeful is that things should settle a little next year when the kids all start to knuckle down and focus on the GCSEs but that is still a way off and ‘jam tomorrow’ for our girls. I almost think should I pull her out and try to homeschool, but it would be a disaster, she doesn’t want me as her teacher or even if we got loads of tutors in, she would hate that too and it would be extortionate.

some people have found online schools can work but I can’t see my girl doing it, she’s smart enough but unmotivated.

I don’t know what to say to help your daughter but she has an involved and sympathetic mum who believes in her and wants to help and that is a massive thing in any young girl’s life. Also the school does sound supportive, I hope they can find some way to help your lovely girl.