DH and career, salary

[hjliu8999]

To preface this with, this issue is not new and has been a source of tension between DH and I ever since we got together decades ago. But just had yet another fight with DH regarding his job and whether he should look for something else.

He's been in his current position for three years now, no salary increase and no promotion - and realistically it just wont happen, they said so. I've been trying to encourage him to move on. He admits he doesnt like his job or sector so it's not like he loves it or anything but just doesn't know how to look for anything else.

And frankly am fed up. We used to live abroad where he was in the same position for ten years - no promotion and just inflationary salary increases. We came back due to my job so he found the first thing he could and basically it's the same thing. But by now we have DC and London is really expensive (his current job is also half the money he earned abroad). By now he's 42 so time is not exactly on his side. And I appreciate that 55k is not nothing, but he has three degrees and is working in a professional job.

From my side I do work full time - in the sector that he used to work in and by now earn more than he does. But it's a public sector ish job and I wont be able to find anything in the private sector (those jobs just dont exist). Realistically my pay progression is rubbish (max I will ever earn is probably 70kish) but I do have a lot more flexibility and annual leave so do more of the childcare.

Am just really fed up. With the cost of living going up along with interest rates - we have a big mortgage - and I dont know how to convince DH that he needs to find something else. He accuses me of wanting him to earn more money - like thats a bad thing or something. Am I being unreasonable or is he? Any tips on how to change things.

[HotChoc10]

I mean, you say you're earning more than him so that's a household income of at least £110k. That is a lot, even in London!

[Andromachehadabadday]

I think Yabu. Not everyone is driven to want to keep swooping jobs or moving on to the next, better paid, position.

I understand you want more money coming and that’s not a bad thing. But pushing someone to make the choices you want them to in their career is a recipe for disaster.

if dp tried telling me I must do xyz in my career because he wants more money, I can’t say I would be too enthusiastic about him. And I am the higher earner.

[Aniita]

I don't really get it. It sounds like you are both in (well paid!) roles with limited progression opportunities and inflationary pay rises. Why is it up to him to move careers? It is because he earns less than you?

Some people don't feel the need to chase a career and progression. If you want to do that go ahead, bit if you don't, then you are unreasonable to want your DH to do it instead.

[KangarooKenny]

I think you should let him do what he wants, and not stress him about his job and his career

[HSKAT]

YABU.
Not everyone is driven to to progress higher etc. Degree or not.
You can't force someone to get another job and considering he's on 55k I think he's doing alright.

[Loopytiles]

He’s already on a decent salary, so his career is really up to him.

He’s U, however, if he’s not doing a fair share of weekday parenting.

[Loopytiles]

If your mortgage, living costs etc aren’t affordable on your current salaries you can discuss that issue and your options, as a whole.

[NightmareSlashDelightful]

This sounds complex.

First off, you clearly have an established pattern of conflict about this (since you say it's been a source of tension for decades). These things form sort of emotional grooves over time. So some of it will be... like a dance you always do. You both know the steps. Even if you don't actually like the dance, you still end up dancing it because it's familiar.

More practically, I don't think you're being unreasonable but realistically there's a limit to how involved you can be in his career.

He may not enjoy his job, particularly, but you can't force him to change it if he won't. It's about spheres of influence; being clear on what you can control/influence, and what you can't.

Why do you want him to earn more?

Of the two of you, who is more career-orientated?

[LetTheBirdsSing]

I think describing your opportunity for career progression up to a salary of approx £70k is going to rub a lot of people up the wrong way.

If you want to earn more than that, that’s fine but maybe word things a little more carefully if you don’t want to receive lots of hostile responses. That’s a salary beyond the wildest dreams of many people.

[HewasH2O]

It sounds as though your aspirations are bigger than your household income. I don't think I would want to risk losing a secure income as the UK is about to crash into recession - last in, first out.

[Seeline]

So he hasn't been promoted in his last 2 jobs - why do you think that is?
If he applied for a higher level job is he likely to get it if he hasn't been promoted in a company that knows him?
Does he need more qualifications to progress? If so does he want to do that and is it possible to do whilst working?
What other areas is he qualified to work in, and would he need to start at entry level/lower paid level than he is currently on?

Why can't you change your job?

[InChocolateWeTrust]

How bad are the family finances? £110k isnt masses in London but it's also not nothing. You arent going to be choosing between heating and eating.

You can't force someone else to be aspirational about earning more if they just..... aren't.

I would say you are only being reasonable if:

• his spending habits are what drives the need for a higher income

And

• he isnt willing to increase his share of home/child based responsibilities to enable you to earn more

If it's just that your aspirations exceed his and you hoped for a more affluent lifestyle than this, yabu, unless he has changed dramatically since you married him.

[user1471457751]

He did have a higher paying job, you made him leave it for your job by moving back to the UK

[KatherineJaneway]

Was he ambitious when you met him / in the early years?

[YouHaventDoneAnyWork]

Money aside, just because your DP has 3 degrees does not mean he will excel in the workplace. Can’t tell you how many PhDs I’ve worked with who are decidedly average and are overtaken by bachelor grads more suited to the role. Maybe he doesn’t perform very well, maybe he does but displays no interest in progression, maybe he isn’t suited to a management role etc.

what does your DP say?

[Namenic]

would You consider getting a job where you can earn more money? Maybe he could think of going part time and doing more chores and childcare and you could look for things that pay more?

some people prefer to spend less and earn less rather than exhaust themselves. It does sound like you have good income - though understandably childcare and mortgage can be stretching. Look out on linked in for jobs you/he might like. DH was in a bit of a rut - but didn’t want to look for alternatives. Until I showed him a job he loved the sound of - he didn’t end up getting it, but by then he had been enthused and found others he liked as well.

[redskyatnight]

So DH is happy in his comfort zone, even if he doesn't like the job or sector (he must like them enough to want to stay where he is - he's not hit the tipping point).

I think it's up to him if he chooses to move or not. You could suggest some career coaching I guess? Ultimately a lot of people stay in jobs that they moan about because they prefer the devil they know and don't have the confidence to move. And there is nothing wrong with this.

Your desire for DH to earn more does not trump his desire to stay in the job he's in. Also very interesting that you're not prepared to move jobs yourself! I think you need to consider why you think he should earn more (55K is a good salary by most people's standards). Are you trying to keep up with friends? Or family expectations? Or do you just believe that the man should be the provider?

[wherethecityis]

I have 3 degrees, am a similar age, work more than full time hours in a professional job and don't earn 55k. Is that really a bad salary?
DH is also similar age to your DH, 3 degrees (including doctorate). He earns 55k in a professional job in London and I'm very proud of him. We manage absolutely fine in London on a combined salary of less than 100k, despite the increase in cost of living and having a huge mortgage.

[averythinline]

I can see your irritatiom as well ...but if he's not likely to do anything about it look at what you can change for yourself...

Move? Reduce the big mortgage
He steps up more at home so you can step up more at work ? Whether at current place or not....
Thats worked for my bff her dh just hasn't the drive she has so to live/have the lifestyle they want ...he's stayed where he's at..
She moved sectors and is flying..

If he wants the lifestyle he needs to contribute to make it happen...
If he doesn't want the lifestyle and neither do you then what can uou change to make it less stressful..

We went the other way and I moved into public sector so income potential less but dh ok as we worked out the lifestyle impact..

If you want a lifestyle is different from his ..then that's a different question and maybe explore around some relationship counselling....

[rookiemere]

Wow. Your DH presumably works full time and earns a salary in the higher rate tax band.

Has he expressed disappointment in his career or spent a lot of time moaning about his job ?

If so then maybe you have a point, but provided he's not workshy then I can't quite see the burning issue.

Presumably you knew he wasn't a high flyer when you married him ?

[worriedatthistime]

Maybe he doesn't want to , does he not get a choice ? And he is earning a decent wage
Why force someone to do something they don't want

[FlowerArranger]

Apart from what PPs have said, can I just add that sometimes it is good to count your blessings...

this issue is not new and has been a source of tension between DH and I ever since we got together decades ago.

And if you continue to hammer away at this issue, you'll probably end up wrecking your marriage.

He earns a very good salary. So do you.
Does he find his job rewarding? Do you?
What more do you need, really....

I you think you 'need' more money, go and earn it.

[CloudPop]

I'd find the lack of aspiration and ambition frustrating and extremely unattractive

[ButtockUp]

Being aspirational and ambitious can be equally unattractive.

[FlowerArranger]

I you think IF you 'need' more money, go and earn it.