To not want my baby to be passed around all day

[Calphurnia88]

Before I'm accused of being PFB, I have no problem with people holding my baby, it's the passing around and not giving the baby back when they need feeding, settling or just a break from not being held that annoys me.

To avoid drip feed, this has happened during extended family visits. When I have asked for baby back to feed or settle (settling being the main issue as baby doesn't sleep during these holding marathons), I am met with 'can I have a hold before you feed them' or 'can I try settling them', which I am mostly firm on, but not always as paranoid about coming across difficult. Meanwhile I'm on edge watching my baby showing signs of hunger or overstimulation, the latter obviously worsening throughout the day.

AIBU and if not, any advice for managing this without falling out with anyone?

Your baby, your rules. Just take the baby off them and politely say "baby is hungry, I'm just going to feed him/her now, I'll give him/her back to you when I'm done if you'd like".

You just take your baby. Years of being polite to others goes out the window when you need your baby back!

You are not being unreasonable. I've experienced the fall out of an overstimulated baby at the hands of family. Your baby, your rules anyway. You are your baby's advocate and need to speak up to prevent them becoming overstimulated and uncomfortable.

Don't ask for your baby back, just go and take him/her back.
"I'd better sort little Jimmy out before he gets hangry, you know what his dad's like when he's hangry ho ho ho" or whatever light comment you think of.
Honestly this sort of thing pisses me off. Babies are not toys, they are little people! Newborns literally don't even know they are born, hence the 4th trimester. They don't need to be passed around every relation endlessly, they need their basic needs to be met in a timely manner by their primary caregivers.

Anyone who falls out with you over you trying to care for baby isn’t someone whose feelings matter much.

I found a “I’ll have her back now” worked, followed by “give her back to me” then take the baby and leave the room to feed, settle, nappy change etc. And anyone who didn’t respect that quickly didn’t get another go.

Our family and close friends were mostly brilliant but at a few gatherings I gave her to one person to go for a wee or whatever and then couldn’t find her as they’d played pass the baby and some weird teen cousin didn’t want to give her back as she was trying to play mum.

Your baby is a person not a doll. Anyone who cares about you both should want you to be happy and comfortable.

You are not being unreasonable at all.

This used to really piss me off when mine were babies.

I actually would hardly able to be civil if anyone refused.

Of course YANBU.

Just take them back. Walk over, confidently, say 'it's time for a mummy cuddle' and take your baby. Whenever you want/need to. Anyone who has an issue with that has a major problem that has nothing to do with you!

I heavily dislike the whole passing a baby around thing; why do the needs of adults get to outweigh the needs of a baby? Mine were always really unsettled after it and it was probably the only good thing that I can take out of having a baby in the pandemic that I could say no passing him around and no one questioned it

Wanted to add that it’s worth facing this head on now as it doesn’t stop. Post first lockdown my then 18 month old didn’t want to be picked up people she hadn’t seen in person in months and someone tried to literally take her off me as she felt she was due a cuddle. I understand how she felt but DD’s comfort was more important and only an arsehole tries to wrestle a bawling toddler from her mum. I stepped back, looked her in the face and firmly said “no, she doesn’t want a cuddle now”. There was a tantrum as expected but I’m not putting anyone else’s wants over my child’s needs and couldn’t care less who strops at me about it.

Totally on your side just stand firm!

I was at a funeral in Jan with my 4 month old dd, cousin had a cuddle which was not an issue then I turned back around and this random woman who I don't know had her! I walked over to get her and got told DD was almost asleep and she was settled, Said no its fine I will take her and then this woman asked WHO I WAS 😐dd was swiftly removed.

People don't see babies as tiny human beings with their own needs. They tend to see them as cute dolls that they have every right to 'have a hold' of, because it'll give them as adults pleasure.

I can't tell you how many times utter strangers would walk up to my tiny baby in the shops and touch him, without asking me. In a way they wouldn't to a grown adult. They assumed that because he was a baby he was fair game to be touched or held.

Pre kids I didn't quite understand this and would sometimes ask friends with newborns if I could have a hold, I'm embarrassed now as I've had my own and understand how awful it can feel in those early weeks to have my tiny baby be passed around, worrying about his neck, about offending someone by asking for him back. I haven't done it since having my own. If someone wants you to hold their baby they'll ask. It's more important to support the parents while they care for and hold their own child.

Of course some people will get very defensive over it especially on MN and claim you're pathetic if you're not happy with every tom dick or harry having a hold.

God that's awful! I can't believe someone would pass another person's baby to a total new person without asking!

YANBU I found this beyond annoying

when I go to see a new baby, I wash my hands, have a quick cuddle for a few minutes and as soon as they start to cry, they go straight back to mum

Your baby isn't a bag of sweeties either, to be passed across a room.

YANBU.

Put your foot down it is unsettling for the baby too.

Don’t ask for your baby back. Just take them.

Have you got a sling? Best way of keeping the baby close and away from prying hands.

It’s your responsibility to advocate for your kid, s/he is dependent on you. The wants and thoughts of other people are irrelevant.

You're the Mum, nobody else. Just take your baby back whenever you want.

Thanks for the replies, it's good to know I'm not alone in experiencing this and how it makes me feel.

People don't see babies as tiny human beings with their own needs. They tend to see them as cute dolls that they have every right to 'have a hold' of, because it'll give them as adults pleasure.

This resonates so much @ColdColdColdColdCold and I think is at the root of why this bothers me. Of course I think my baby is the cuddliest thing in the whole world (who doesn't?) but I also understand that they are a person with complex needs that must be met to be happy and thrive. Cuddles with lots of different people (even family) is at the bottom of the list, and can actually be detrimental if it means baby is getting overtired or mum isn't being allowed to respond to hunger cues in a timely manner.

Yes! DC doesn't love it, but I think I need to watch some tutorials to get the hang of how to use it properly.

I do think a sling would be perceived as an intentional 'barrier' to prevent family from interacting with baby. I sense BF is perceived in the same way, hence them asking if they can 'have a hold' just as I say he's hungry and I am about to feed him.

Ugh people are scum when it comes to babies. Once they're toddlers, they're usually the ones that are nowhere to be seen. Who doesn't love a baby?

I do think a sling would be perceived as an intentional 'barrier' to prevent family from interacting with baby. I sense BF is perceived in the same way, hence them asking if they can 'have a hold' just as I say he's hungry and I am about to feed him.

That’s okay, so what if think that? DD loved being in the sling and I BF and she’s got the liveliest bonds with our family and friends who’ve made an effort with her while respecting her needs.

Not all babies like slings but if you want to keep trying there are loads of different types. You might have a sling library near you.