To not want my baby to be passed around all day

[Calphurnia88]

Before I'm accused of being PFB, I have no problem with people holding my baby, it's the passing around and not giving the baby back when they need feeding, settling or just a break from not being held that annoys me.

To avoid drip feed, this has happened during extended family visits. When I have asked for baby back to feed or settle (settling being the main issue as baby doesn't sleep during these holding marathons), I am met with 'can I have a hold before you feed them' or 'can I try settling them', which I am mostly firm on, but not always as paranoid about coming across difficult. Meanwhile I'm on edge watching my baby showing signs of hunger or overstimulation, the latter obviously worsening throughout the day.

AIBU and if not, any advice for managing this without falling out with anyone?

You definitely could practice being assertive and just taking your baby back whenever you want to, if you are willing to pass them around at all.

If someone asks to have a hold just reply 'oh sorry, we're having mummy cuddles today! Health visitor said it's important for bonding'

'no can do sorry, did you know that having baby near mum helps to regulate their heartbeat?'

'sorry, I'm being selfish with him today!'

'he gets a bit fussy being away from us at the minute sorry'

Make some bullshit up, or appeal to authority 'actually GP said there's a nasty bug going around atm and recommended he stay close to us!' it doesn't really matter what you say as long as you convey that you're keeping hold. Of course you don't owe anyone a 'sorry' and shouldn't have to pussyfoot around it, if you feel comfortable being more direct you can just say 'ah, it makes me feel a bit anxious when he's with others at the moment, maybe when he's older' or something. Some people can get away with a confident 'no!' haha but not many have the appetite for that.

My best friend in the world had a baby a month ago and I've seen her maybe five times since, and you know what? I've never actually held or touched the baby! And I think that's so wonderful in light of my own experiences with a newborn. I know if/when she wants me to she'll ask and it'll be great, and until then what's important is that they're together and comfortable. I honestly despised the expectation others would hold him and looking back really regret not being more firm about it. Your baby. In months to come you'll probably feel very differently. By four months I was perfectly happy to pass my chunky, head holding up baby to friends and family.

Great advice. I think I need a bank of responses I feel comfortable using when I think it's time for baby to come back to mummy (or even just to be left alone, frankly) as this will help me to feel more in control in these situations.

If you’re looking for more responses you could always say “you can have another cuddle later/tomorrow/next time”. But it does open you up to then ‘promising’ then future cuddles which isn’t what you necessarily want.

People don't see babies as tiny human beings with their own needs. They tend to see them as cute dolls that they have every right to 'have a hold' of, because it'll give them as adults pleasure.

See, I'm not a kid person by default BECAUSE I think they are tiny humans.

Not all kids are cute, or nice, (just like adults) and sometimes that's evident early on! But at least it means that I don't harass them, because I have no innate need to hold them.

Great suggestion. I want to avoid falling into the trap of saying 'you can hold him after he's fed' as a) he often falls asleep after a feed and b) I don't want to sit anxiously whilst everyone stares at my boobs waiting for him to finish 😅

First baby I take it !

Whenever we had this problem we got the sling out which made it so much easier to manage.

This would wind me up too.
I would walk over, and as you get closer just smile and say 'I'll take him now" and just pick him up.

It's a shame you cared less about your second and subsequent babies' needs than you did your first. For most parents they're equally concerned and in tune with all of their children.

Some people just love to shit on new parents for having boundaries and feelings. Didn't you know you're expected to conceive, grow and deliver a baby and then compete to see who can be the most blasé about them? Or if you can't quite achieve being genuinely nonplussed about what happens to them, you're supposed to swallow that deep, deep down so that you never ever risk even slightly offending great auntie Sue who insists on two hours of cuddling your one week old after a pack of fags. You should also happily hand them over to any stranger in the supermarket who wants a hold and see your baby as public property to be held by anyone on a whim.

Seriously, ignore them. They're expecting their chufty badge in the post for being the coolest, most laid back, experience mum in the world. They'll be waiting a while haha

I can't believe no one has mentioned COVID. At work my colleagues are still coming down with it. Newborns do not have an established immune system.

If I had a newborn I wouldn't be passing them around right now. People should respect this.

I requested MN remove my response as on reflection I wasn't sure if collie was inferring that I was being PFB (a MN trope I really hate) or that if I had more experience I would be more comfortable in taking control in these situations (which I agree with). Note to self; don't night feed and reply in haste 😅

I totally agree with you though. As I said in my now deleted post, this would still be an issue whether it was DC2, DC3... I wouldn't become any less of an advocate for my DCs basic needs (which don't include every family member taking a turn at holding them) just because they weren't my first.

When I have asked for baby back to feed or settle

THIS ^^ is your problem.

Stop asking. Start telling.
"It's time for baby to feed/settle/be with mummy"
"Oh can I just hold him before ...."
"No, as I said, it's time for baby to xyz"

Do not engage further, Do not argue or explain further. If whoever-it-is doesn't INSTANTLY hand your baby back -
"Give me my baby"
Any hint of refusal -
"GIVE ME MY BABY NOW. I AM HIS MOTHER & HE IS NOT YOUR TOY".

AIBU and if not, any advice for managing this without falling out with anyone?
YANBU - & FFS stop concerning yourself with "falling out with" anyone.
If "anyone" cannot respect the simple fact that this is YOUR baby & YOUR rules, you don't need them visiting until they've learned some respect.

You are you baby's first advocate.
Find your inner rage at these inconsiderate people, & roar whenever you need to.
You cannot keep allowing yourself to be put on edge by unreasonable or demanding people. So stop allowing yourself to worry that you are being "difficult". YOU know when your baby is getting tired, hungry, overstimulated, fractious ...

Ask yourself this - why do these "anyones" have the right to make you feel on edge, but you are the one worrying about being "difficult"? The only people being difficult here are the people who are treating your baby as a plaything, & disrespecting his relationship with his primary carer.

I do think a sling would be perceived as an intentional 'barrier' to prevent family from interacting with baby. I sense BF is perceived in the same way, hence them asking if they can 'have a hold' just as I say he's hungry and I am about to feed him.

Yeah, thought so.
Surprise me - these relatives are disrespectful & domineering to you in other area, aren't they? & their entitlement to your baby is just part of that dynamic?

I think you need to take an internal stand.
Tell yourself that you no longer GAF what these people think of you, & own your new attitude.
"Yeah, the sling makes it hard for other people to "have a hold" - tough innit, he's a baby not a toy to pass around".

Let these relatives think you are "difficult", PFB - whatever.
The power of deciding that other people's opinions of you are none of your business is powerfully liberating OP.
Take that power for yourself. And bless your baby for giving you the motivation to find it, use it, & begin on the Noble Art Of Not Giving A Fuck.

You'll find that these relations are easier to manage all round when you stop worrying about being "difficult" because you have reframed "I'm not allowed to object" into "entitled twats don't get to take the piss any more".

Who's counting? (clue - we don't need to - OP told us this in her first post)

Doesn't matter if it's her 1st or her 5th - is it HER baby.

I don't want to sit anxiously whilst everyone stares at my boobs waiting for him to finish

You used the laughing emoji so I know you meant this lightheartedly.
But are you getting enough privacy & downtime - or are you inundated with intrusive visitors?

Because nobody should be staring at you while you feed your baby. (DH excepted)
It's your personal time, your bonding time.
Oh - & your boobs, which, like your baby, are not public property.

Do you give yourself permission to disappear to another room when visitors are round & you want to feed?

Don’t pass baby around in the first place if you know it unsettles them.
If you do pass them around just say you need baby back, as you open your arms to take him/ her back.

Be assertive.
Dont ask. Just go and take.Its your baby.

You don’t even need to explain yourself.

But are you getting enough privacy & downtime - or are you inundated with intrusive visitors?

I do have privacy for the most part during the week, but recently there have been a lot of overnight visitors, including weekends. I would prefer to spend more time enjoying my new family with DP but instead feel like I am having to adapt mine and baby's routine around these lengthy visits, which inevitably doesn't work and ends up with me getting stressed out.

DP thinks the visitors are trying to give me a break, and there's maybe an element of that, but I have explained to him all the reasons why this doesn't work.

Do you give yourself permission to disappear to another room when visitors are round & you want to feed?

The resulting overtiredness has led to me needing to take DC away to another room to settle them in the evening. But it's definitely something I could do earlier rather than feeling like it's a last resort.