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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder why he keeps me hanging

29 replies

Cloudnine1 · 16/05/2022 05:02

Hi

I have been seeing a man for a little while. We get on well and have had some nice dates too. He lives very near me so it’s easy just to meet for a little walk or chat. He said yesterday that we could meet up but when it got to it he said he would come and see me if he could. Which is fine but then he just stops replying and doesn’t let me know. He does this a few times. Aibu to wonder why he doesn’t just tell me either way?

OP posts:
Scabbyknackers · 16/05/2022 05:04

I'll be honest, he isn't interested enough not to do so. If a man is keen he will want to see you and make it happen, or plan an alternative, not leave you hanging.

carefullycourageous · 16/05/2022 05:13

IMO he is disrespecting you, it will only get worse as this is the best behaviour phase. He's either seeing if you will.put up with being treated like crap or genuinely is oblivious.

Men like this only ever end up with doormats as when they do this to people with high standards they get dumped!

My advice is move on.

gonnascreamsoon · 16/05/2022 07:14

I'm afraid you're not a 'priority' for him, and if you're not one in the 'first bloom' of a 'relationship', then you'll never be a 'priority' for him.

Sorry.

I recommend ending it and looking for someone who sees you as a priority from the very beginning, because you deserve nothing less.

Namastegal · 16/05/2022 07:18

Sorry to say but he sees you as low priority. He is leaving you hanging as you are a back up option, he's probably seeing if he finds a better offer. Also the walks and chats don't require any expenditure on his part, all it says to me is he's not willing to invest time nor money into actually make a date and taking you out. Next!

coffeecupsandfairylights · 16/05/2022 07:22

He doesn't want to see you but doesn't want you making plans with anyone else either.

Just go out and do your own thing and if he complains, tell him you're not wasting your day sitting around on a "maybe".

PersonaNonGarter · 16/05/2022 07:24

He’s just not that into you.

UseOfWeapons · 16/05/2022 07:27

He’s rude. Would you accept that sort of behaviour from a new friend? Block and delete, you can do better than someone who is playing games to make themselves feel powerful or wanted.

FuckingNoise · 16/05/2022 07:29

Fuck him off and stop allowing men to take the absolute piss out of you

Merryclaire · 16/05/2022 07:29

Definitely end it! He is not that bothered I’m afraid. When someone really wants to be with you they won’t act like that - they’ll see you whenever they can and reply to you etc.

seensome · 16/05/2022 07:29

He's not that interested, bin him

flingitin · 16/05/2022 07:32

He enjoys what you offer him, which is validation and ego boost, but he doesn't want to commit to you. He knows if he keeps in touch you will never cut him off, so whenever he feels low he messages you to get that boost, knowing you like him more than he likes you. This gives him the confidence to go and chat to other women and find someone he really likes.

It's just how people can be, it's not you personally. Move on and speak to someone new.

BlusteryLake · 16/05/2022 07:32

He wants to keep you on the back burner as a secondary option. Don’t wait for him to tell you, you tell him he doesn't seem that interested so you're moving on.

RealBecca · 16/05/2022 07:33

Hes not that into you or he has a girlfriend already which is why he cant commit to a day or time.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 16/05/2022 07:33

He's not that into you.

Original poster
Cloudnine1 · 16/05/2022 08:54

Thanks everyone. To be honest I am starting to feel very used and like it’s on his ‘his terms’. I’m quite a bit younger than him and I think he thinks I’m naive and will just expect it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cloudnine1 · 16/05/2022 09:09

I an in my mid 20s and he’s in his mid 40s.

OP posts:
PhoenixReincarnated · 16/05/2022 09:14

Dump him and find someone worthy of your time and attention. I suspect with that age gap you're an ego boost to him.

MyrrAgain · 16/05/2022 09:16

I hate lame-ball time wasters like this. Totally disrespectful. It only takes a moment to send one little message saying sorry I don't think I can make it, etc etc. He's either not prioritising you or he's just a disrespectful dickwad who thinks he's better than others.

I'm afraid you'll have to make a decision if he's worth putting up with this wishy-washy behaviour or not. If you end up with no plans then sure, see if he's around that evening. Otherwise I'd say don't rely on him

PatientlyWaiting21 · 16/05/2022 09:23

To quote the movie “he’s just not that into you”

MsVestibule · 16/05/2022 09:27

It's called 'breadcrumbing' in dating lingo. They show just enough interest to keep you hanging on but it never actually goes anywhere. I've been there, usually took me too long to cop on - with hindsight, I wish I'd taken control and just dumped them. I would be SO much better at dating in my 50s than I was in my 20s and 30s!

Ihatethenewlook · 16/05/2022 09:27

He’s just not that into you. And not only that, he’s disrespectful and bad mannered. Even if I found myself extremely disliking a date, I’d still have the common decency to send a quick message to let them know I wouldn’t be turning up to the next one instead of leaving them hanging. This man is rude and probably a bit of an arrogant prick. Throw this one back op

Inthesameboatatmo · 16/05/2022 09:29

He's not that in to you. If he was keen you wouldn't be doubting anything .

10HailMarys · 16/05/2022 09:34

He's probably married.

Kitten2 · 16/05/2022 09:36

Oh been there.
Been there been there been there.

The worst bit is knowing that you're letting yourself down but still responding to them and over looking their bs.
It sucks.

Nowomenaroundeh · 16/05/2022 09:39

You are asking the wrong question. The real question is why are you putting up with it? You can't change him but you can change you.

The next time he or another man behaves like this to you respond with a "It sounds like you're busy today. No problem, I will go ahead with other stuff. Maybe next week or the week after we will find a time that suits us both". Then when he responds saying oh no I may still make it over say no please don't as I may be out and if I'm not I won't want to be interrupted.

Then ignore all and any messages after that unless they're of the "I've booked X restaurant for next week and really hope you can make it." People will claim this is gameplaying but what it is plain and simple is not making yourself available to someone who sees you as an option.