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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Married Man/ex work colleague continually texting DD

67 replies

expat101 · 16/05/2022 03:54

Subject title pretty much sums it up. She is 24, doesn't have an established social circle, he would be early to mid 30's with a wife and children.

What's acceptable these days and what would be a red flag for you?

OP posts:
thingymaboob · 16/05/2022 04:07

What do you mean continually? What's content of texts? Is she replying? Like a text conversation or is it all one way?

romdowa · 16/05/2022 04:11

If it's continually and making your daughter feel uncomfortable then she should just block him

Original poster
expat101 · 16/05/2022 04:13

We went away together for road trip on the weekend, he was messaging continually, she replied where possible, other times would just press the side button to clear it from the screen.

OP posts:
Original poster
expat101 · 16/05/2022 04:15

I think he was messaging her way too much over the weekend, she doesn't see it as a problem... he is an ex work colleague, not personal friend from school or the like.

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Sweepingeyelashes · 16/05/2022 04:18

It's never middle aged Bob from accounts that they're texting! No, it's always a younger female colleague. This is a red flag right here. He is lining your daughter as a foolish younger woman who might have sex with him. As an ex-colleague I suggest she block him. Alternatively, she could text about his wife - how is she, does she mind you texting, how are the children and so on. I had a chap like this once when I was engaged. By the time, I'd finished discussing my worries about the bridesmaid shoes - dyeing versus fabric covering and so on - he couldn't wait to get off that call. He never called back after being a pest for several weeks.

Sweepingeyelashes · 16/05/2022 04:20

By the way, if she doesn't know what his intentions are, she is a foolish young woman. He meanwhile is probably texting from the loo so his wife doesn't find out!

PleasantFucker · 16/05/2022 04:46

She doesn't see it as a problem

Oh she sounds nice. Very smart and respectable too 👌

ithinkidbetterleaverightnow · 16/05/2022 05:03

She's an adult. But she's either very naïve or considering an affair. I would advise her to block him, because no good will come of it. Whether she does is up to hire, though.

ithinkidbetterleaverightnow · 16/05/2022 05:04

*up to her Blush

GayParis · 16/05/2022 05:08

He sounds like an absolute lout so please don't think I'm putting any blame on your daughter - but it's worth reminding her if he's an ex colleague and she no longer needs to speak to him through work that he is married and has a wife & children. She really should be blocking him and not replying at all.

Original poster
expat101 · 16/05/2022 05:09

From the limited messages I read, it was ''normal'' conversation but yes I felt very much like messaging him and requesting he stop. At a minimum I think as she and I were away together, any friend would have been respectful of that and not messaged her so repeatedly.

Perhaps I'm old fashioned. I just want to know where the line is in the sand these days. Ultimately people should be able to have friendships regardless of gender and maritial status but that doesn't always work out for the best either.

DD knows his wife via work as well. Whether she knows how much texting was going on, I don't know. I just saw his name flick up on several occasions, and its been ongoing before now.

OP posts:
DefiniteTortoise · 16/05/2022 05:13

Does your DD like him? She may be enjoying what she sees as a friendship and be reluctant to tell him to dial it back. I do also think he's got an agenda, for sure, but she may not be entirely against that notion if she's enjoying the attention (sorry).

Original poster
expat101 · 16/05/2022 05:15

GayParis · 16/05/2022 05:08

He sounds like an absolute lout so please don't think I'm putting any blame on your daughter - but it's worth reminding her if he's an ex colleague and she no longer needs to speak to him through work that he is married and has a wife & children. She really should be blocking him and not replying at all.

I had something to say about it last night having stewed on it for a while so she knows what I think. Hopefully its given her food for thought seeing it from another point of view.

I just need a sounding board here if I am being old fashioned, or if my concern is justified...

OP posts:
GayParis · 16/05/2022 05:18

@expat101 Definitely not being old fashioned! Unless I also am Grin It's just not appropriate & texting that often doesn't sound like it's coming from a place of friendship it seems like he's pursuing her!

Maybebabyno2 · 16/05/2022 05:18

Is he just messaging her or is it a group chat? You'd think i was having an affair with a man from work the amount of times his name pops up on my message notifications but its a group chat and not to me specifically.

Original poster
expat101 · 16/05/2022 05:25

DefiniteTortoise · 16/05/2022 05:13

Does your DD like him? She may be enjoying what she sees as a friendship and be reluctant to tell him to dial it back. I do also think he's got an agenda, for sure, but she may not be entirely against that notion if she's enjoying the attention (sorry).

there was a small group of them going out, one has transferred away with work recently, so I am unsure what will happen moving forward and esp. after what I said last night.

She isn't keen on ''kids'' and he has two of those. I think she enjoys the friendly adult conversation whereas the circle she went to school with are into binge drinking, tyre burnouts etc. If he was single, I wouldn't concern myself about it at all apart from hoping he was someone normal.

OP posts:
Original poster
expat101 · 16/05/2022 05:26

Maybebabyno2 · 16/05/2022 05:18

Is he just messaging her or is it a group chat? You'd think i was having an affair with a man from work the amount of times his name pops up on my message notifications but its a group chat and not to me specifically.

Great question and I really don't know.. I just saw his name come up several times when messenger tingled.

I don't want to make a dick of myself to her work colleagues either.

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Gingernaut · 16/05/2022 05:36

Has he or your daughter left the employer.

There's no reason why a married guy with kids who still works there needs to be in contact with a former employee and there's also no reason why a married former employee with kids should be texting a current employee.

Either he's cultivating her as a possible affair candidate, now they're not working together, or he's inappropriately texting a naive young woman to offload instead of discussing issues with his wife.

Either way, let him text Bob from Accounts if he's feeling lonely.

Original poster
expat101 · 16/05/2022 05:39

Gingernaut · 16/05/2022 05:36

Has he or your daughter left the employer.

There's no reason why a married guy with kids who still works there needs to be in contact with a former employee and there's also no reason why a married former employee with kids should be texting a current employee.

Either he's cultivating her as a possible affair candidate, now they're not working together, or he's inappropriately texting a naive young woman to offload instead of discussing issues with his wife.

Either way, let him text Bob from Accounts if he's feeling lonely.

No she still works there, he left to go elsewhere. The small circle of people from the original employer were still socialising after he left.

OP posts:
Original poster
expat101 · 16/05/2022 05:40

Maybebabyno2 · 16/05/2022 05:18

Is he just messaging her or is it a group chat? You'd think i was having an affair with a man from work the amount of times his name pops up on my message notifications but its a group chat and not to me specifically.

So in a group chat, would the same name come up first if others were responding? It might explain why so many texts if so... I would be greatly relieved if so.

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Tamzo85 · 16/05/2022 05:45

Well it’s up to her isn’t it? Either it’s professional or else he’s trying it on - she can either shut that down or go along with it.

Obviously it’s inappropriate for a married man to start a relationship with another woman over text, but if that other woman wants it then what? You can tell your daughter not to have an affair with this guy but ultimately that’s her choice.

DailySheetWasher · 16/05/2022 05:56

They may already be seeing each other and she's (understandably) reluctant to talk to you about it.

LicoricePizza · 16/05/2022 06:25

Could you ask DD if it’s group chat or 1:1 messages? If it’s the latter I can’t imagine his wife wld be happy with him spending a lot of time chatting to a younger woman. So it’s wld be a red flag from that perspective. I’d just hope your DD views him being married & a father as a big deterrent. If he’s blurring boundaries however with msging & friendship & she finds the attention flattering….

Original poster
expat101 · 16/05/2022 06:31

Most definitely its her choice, if that is what is happening. It's also my decision as her parent, to say this situation isn't right too. If that is the case....

Reading #Maybebabyno2 post, I'm thinking I have completely balls'd up and assumed the same name that I saw on a few messages and not all of them or in full context, is part of a group chat and I have wrongly assumed it's just one person. It would explain why she participated in some texts, but cleared the others.

At least I hope so, and I'm looking forward to Maybebabyno2 getting back to confirm her experience.. if so, then I need to fix whatever situation I created with DD last night when I discussed the above..

OP posts:
Original poster
expat101 · 16/05/2022 06:36

LicoricePizza · 16/05/2022 06:25

Could you ask DD if it’s group chat or 1:1 messages? If it’s the latter I can’t imagine his wife wld be happy with him spending a lot of time chatting to a younger woman. So it’s wld be a red flag from that perspective. I’d just hope your DD views him being married & a father as a big deterrent. If he’s blurring boundaries however with msging & friendship & she finds the attention flattering….

I'm back home now, but on the day when I mentioned someone messaging her a lot (from the pings) DD said she had asked X (the first name that came up on messenger from those that I saw) about a burning smell in her car as he was a former mechanic. That did happen, but she scrubbed her front tyre on a kerb that morning as we pulled up. That's as far as that conversation went at the time. The next conversation I suspect is going to be face to face, after the next ping..

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