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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Married Man/ex work colleague continually texting DD

67 replies

expat101 · 16/05/2022 03:54

Subject title pretty much sums it up. She is 24, doesn't have an established social circle, he would be early to mid 30's with a wife and children.

What's acceptable these days and what would be a red flag for you?

OP posts:
rwalker · 16/05/2022 06:58

I think your over invested and making a lot of assumptions off hearing a pings and glacing at names.

Bluetrews25 · 16/05/2022 07:04

If it's a group chat then the name of the individual who sent the message appears. Otherwise it would be wildly confusing, wouldn't it?
The messages are all from him. Your daughter does not realise she's being groomed as a partner. Or maybe she's flattered and has not yet joined the dots.

Whyareblokesonhere · 16/05/2022 07:05

She is 24? Probably needs to work on her boundaries with 'married' men by the sounds but I think her biggest priority should be her mum reading and vetting her private messages.

YouHaveYourFathersBreasts · 16/05/2022 07:11

He’s clearly more than an ex colleague. He’s either a friend or alternatively, they’re having some kind of emotional affair behind his wife’s back. Hopefully it’s the former. But at 24 your daughter is more than old enough to stand up for herself if she’s not happy with this level of contact from
him and doesn’t need her mummy to send him on his way.

thenewduchessoflapland · 16/05/2022 07:24

I doubt his wife enjoys the frequency of their messages (if she knows) to a younger woman.

I'd ask her how she'd feel if she had a boyfriend who was constantly messaging a younger female "friend".

STARCATCHER22 · 16/05/2022 07:30

Whyareblokesonhere · 16/05/2022 07:05

She is 24? Probably needs to work on her boundaries with 'married' men by the sounds but I think her biggest priority should be her mum reading and vetting her private messages.

This 100%.
She is not a child. She is more than capable of dealing with the messages if she is unhappy with them or feels they are inappropriate.
You say you’re concerned about embarrassing yourself in front of her colleagues… what on earth are you planning on doing?!?

If I went away with my mum and she kept checking my phone, then tried to lecture me about messaging people, I would not go away with her again.

Georgeskitchen · 16/05/2022 07:30

She's 24 not 14. You probably need to butt out of her business

FleurDeLizz · 16/05/2022 07:36

You wanted to message the bloke to tell him to stop messaging your 24 year old daughter? If they’re heading for an affair then I would be judging the pair of them hard but it’s not your business

ForensicFlossy · 16/05/2022 07:51

She is 24, please stop trying to read your dds messages.

Thousandsandhundreds · 16/05/2022 08:01

Agree that at 24 this isn't any of your business.

If she was a naive 17 Yr old it would be different but at 24 she's old enough to make her own choices. That age gap is also not uncommon, certainly the same as my own relationship at that age

I know in your mind DD is still 17 and this feels like a leachy 50 Yr old but at 24 plenty of women are married, having children etc, not having their mum text their work friend because she's concerned about his intentions. Even if she was having an affair, its not normal for a mum to text the boyfriend to try and stop it.

By all means talk to your daughter but I remember she's an adult too

Stravaig · 16/05/2022 08:04

but yes I felt very much like messaging him and requesting he stop.

Good grief! Messages sent to your adult daughter, which she thinks are fine! If the situation does take a turn for the worse, it's for her to deal with. First though, she has to set stronger boundaries with her over-involved, very controlling parent!

Why do you feel so threatened by your daughter having a life outside of you? If you want her sole attention, politely ask her to turn off her devices when she visits you. The specific happenings on her phone are none of your business unless she asks you for advice.

rookiemere · 16/05/2022 08:08

She probably thinks this man is messaging her because he enjoys her witty conversation and she is a cool girl who can have a platonic conversation with a married man.
She'll be disabused of that notion sooner or later, but her DM is not the one to do it.

grapewines · 16/05/2022 08:09

Whyareblokesonhere · 16/05/2022 07:05

She is 24? Probably needs to work on her boundaries with 'married' men by the sounds but I think her biggest priority should be her mum reading and vetting her private messages.

Yeah, sorry. I agree. The fact that you wanted to get involved and message him. Step way back.

Doona · 16/05/2022 08:09

When I was 24, I just thought men were friendly and collegial. It never crossed my mind that they were all about sex. They were, of course, but I think you have to learn that for yourself. Older women seem deranged when they warn you. Now I'm a deranged older woman, myself. It's very sad.

Blaze1886 · 16/05/2022 08:12

Why can't a 24 year old make her own decisions? Does she really need her mother to step in? You sound very controlling

If your daughter doesn't want to engage with this guy anymore then she should simply stop replying or just block him

rookiemere · 16/05/2022 08:17

Doona · 16/05/2022 08:09

When I was 24, I just thought men were friendly and collegial. It never crossed my mind that they were all about sex. They were, of course, but I think you have to learn that for yourself. Older women seem deranged when they warn you. Now I'm a deranged older woman, myself. It's very sad.

Put it so much better than I did @Doona Grin.
It's one of the small benefits of being middle aged - generally now if people do befriend me I can assume it genuinely is because of my witter banter and not a desire to get into my granny knickers !

luxxlisbon · 16/05/2022 08:18

You are really too involved, your DD is an adult. You think it’s rude for someone to message her while she’s on a weekend away with you but not rude for you to constantly try to read her messages as they flash up on her screen?
You have already commented on your thoughts about the relationship to your daughter, whatever that relationship is, it’s time to just step back as non of this is your business.

Original poster
expat101 · 16/05/2022 08:20

Thanks all for the feedback.

No I do not check her messages, I have no way to, however the regular pinging of the mobile was obvious and I glanced, not checked, to see who it was from a couple of times.

In my original posting, I asked:

What's acceptable these days and what would be a red flag for you?

Not many have chosen to answer this question yet here we are on MN's where we talk about the OW in some circumstances, so obviously posters here have their own boundaries.

I'm asking you, what is acceptable these days (in your own mind)... surely there has to be a line in the sand.

OP posts:
Momicrone · 16/05/2022 08:21

I agree op, I think it sounds dodgy

LicoricePizza · 16/05/2022 08:24

You are allowed to care.

rookiemere · 16/05/2022 08:27

Ok well if it was my DH in those circumstances I'd be pretty annoyed that he was spending all his free time messaging a single attractive twenty something.

But I'm not sure your DD has done anything wrong. As I've said she may be too naive to realise it's not just her conversation he's after and attempts to tell her from her DM won't go down well.

Stravaig · 16/05/2022 08:39

Many of us are saying your behaviour is the red flag, OP. You've woven a story from a few details and lots of your own assumptions and prejudices, and are using it to justify intruding, manipulating, controlling the life of another adult.

You may be right about this person, your daughter may have terrible boundaries, groomed by you, and have a difficult learning experience ahead.

Or she may have great boundaries, from a lifetime of fending you off, and sail through.

Or there may be nothing more than friendship here, or colleagues networking. Social mores have changed a lot and you are not the morality police.

Or this may be the love of her life, about to get divorced, the father of your future grandchildren. Be nice!

Or perhaps her great love has already swung by, taken one look at a lifetime of over involved in-laws, and run for the hills. Oops.

Seriously, OP. Your own behaviour is bonkers.

RainCoffeeBook · 16/05/2022 08:51

24's old enough to not be dicking around on her phone in front of other people, and more than old enough to have learned older married men are usually shites. She doesn't sound very worldly, but this will probably be a lesson for her. He'll turn creepy eventually.

Testina · 16/05/2022 08:53

I’m going to set aside the main issue here - whether this is an affair / attempt to start one.

I noticed that you also said you were cross that he was messaging so much when you were away with her.

On this, I think you’re out of step with how messaging works, socially. The onus is on the receiver to decide whether to look and respond, not the sender. How are they to know that she’s away with you? If she’s mentioned it, how are they to know that she’s not with you from duty and enjoying the distraction of chatting with friends? (not saying it was a duty trip, but creating a scenario where the receiver wouldn’t mind).

Most people I know send WhatsApp messages whenever they want. Be that during a friend’s weekend away, or 2am. It’s expected that the receiver is turning off their phone, or notifications, or just skimming messages.

Of course those messages shouldn’t be harassing for a reply! But it is, in my experience, perfectly normal to send messages in the situation you describe.

standoctor · 16/05/2022 08:54

Why on earth do you think it is any of your business
You have no idea about how their friendship may have developed

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