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Original poster

"You should be the boss in your own house" - is this possible with ASD teen?

26 replies

Cherrylimepie · 15/05/2022 22:58

Just looking for some opinions about this.

DS14, has Asperger's and goes to a specialist school. For a few reasons, including lockdown, and the fact that his friends are now not from the local area, we haven't had any of his friends over for a year or so. We had one of his friends over today, a lovely boy who is also 14.

Although DS was looking forward to it, he was also anxious about his friend coming over, and we talked about what would happen whilst his friend was here. One of the things he mentioned was that they might watch a film in the living room, and he asked if the rest of the family could not come in during that time as he likes to watch a film uninterrupted.

His friend came round this afternoon and all was going well. They decided to watch a film in the living room. Then my mum popped round to collect some shopping that I had got for her. I told her that DS and his friend were watching a film and she said she would just pop in to say hello. I said to her, no please just leave it for today as DS just wanted to watch the film and not be interrupted. Aside from anything else my mum has a habit of treating DS as a young child and I knew he would be embarrassed if she was like that in front of his friend. My mum then seemed hurt, so I said, well ok Mum, go and say hello. She then said "No you've missed your chance, I'm not going to say hello now. Anyway you shouldn't let your kids dictate to you - you should be the boss in your own house" and then left

I have had low self esteem all my life and questioned all my parenting decisions. My dad was extremely critical and angry and my mum was a very authoritarian parent. I know my son can be controlling at times. I feel like I try to make everyone happy and keep the peace and actually everyone ends up pissed off. I was trying to respect my son's boundaries, and need for privacy as he is 14, but perhaps I am being a walkover, I really don't know. I am feeling really crap - any thoughts on the situation would be appreciated! TIA.

OP posts:
Techno56 · 15/05/2022 23:01

Your mum was needy and out of order.

No 14 year old, ASD or not, wants to be fussed by their gran when they have a mate over.

I would have done the same for my son if he requested it, as it harms no one and makes him happy.

Ignore her x

FieryPitOfMordor · 15/05/2022 23:01

It doesn’t sound like your DS was being the controlling one in this instance! If you were happy to let him watch a film undisturbed, that’s your decision and absolutely nothing to do with your mother!

felulageller · 15/05/2022 23:01

You were in the right.

Honfleur · 15/05/2022 23:02

It sounds like it was a big deal for your ds to have someone over and he made a reasonable request not to be interrupted. Bearing in mind he has ASD I think you did the right thing. Take no notice of your DM. Anyway sounds like shes trying to "be the boss" not you !

Nappyvalley15 · 15/05/2022 23:04

You did the right thing. Your son needed this to enjoy his friends visit. Ignore her.

prettytoes · 15/05/2022 23:05

You'd agreed with DS how things would work so you did the right thing making sure it happened. Your DM can see him next time, shes the one being difficult

gah2teenagers · 15/05/2022 23:06

It’s nice your mum cares and wanted to say hi but she 100% should have Accepted what you said and left it.

prettytoes · 15/05/2022 23:07

Your son is not being controlling, he just needs order and stability in his life. You can give him that without him calling all the shots, sounds like you're doing a good job understanding what he needs.

WingingItSince1973 · 15/05/2022 23:07

Hi. Well done for respecting you ds request. I know with dd age 15, also asd, has certain ways that i wouldn't assert parental authority as its not really a problem and I understand why she does things a certain way. I feel strongly that every member of the family are dignified with their own wants and needs if it doesn't hurt anyone else. My parents were also very much 'what we say goes' disregarding how it affected anyone else. You should be proud that you took the kinder route with your ds. My dm is much much better with the grandchildren than she was with us kids. She understands why my dd can't do certain things now, actually thinking about it we have a very understanding family on both sides because they've realised that the old ways of ruling the house don't work now. So please don't worry. Sorry for my ramble hope I make sense xxx

TheYearOfSmallThings · 15/05/2022 23:08

You did the right thing and (forgive me) your mother was being a dick. Pay no attention.

Poptart4 · 15/05/2022 23:08

Your mam was being unreasonable and manipulative.

You did what was best for YOUR son.

..."you should be the boss in your own house"... ironic your mam would say this while trying to manipulate you into doing what she wants you to do 🙄

EveSix · 15/05/2022 23:09

You made an agreement with your DS, not even sure it would be ASD specific, pretty standard for 14YOs in general, I think. You decided to honour it. Your mum guilt-tripped you and stuck the knife in -nice. You are the boss in your own home: that's why you get to decide which adjustments to make for your DS, and to uphold them in the face of cheeky, clueless visitors.

whataloadabullocks · 15/05/2022 23:22

Your mum sounds like she's bloody hard work or in denial/ doesn't understand his diagnosis. I have a dc with ASD, and once things are planned or agreed upon those plans don't change or all hell breaks loose!

LicoricePizza · 15/05/2022 23:24

Unfair of your mum to put you in that position as she knows he doesn’t cope with interruptions due to his ASD & not being on yr side is wearing & draining. She put her own needs above his & yours. Then punishes you for saying you’re controlling just b’cos you asserted your needs. I relate OP massively & is difficult trying to please everyone when it’s actually impossible. She sounds like she doesn’t respect his ASD either in that she infantilises him & not supportive of tried & tested ways you/he manages his anxiety. I wld ignore her until she apologises but good luck with that as by sounds of it she’s never going to see herself in the wrong. Your son is only controlling sometimes because of his ASD & that’s not yr fault either. She sounds very hard to maintain boundaries with but keep trying you’re doing your best. Your needs & wishes are important & deserve to be respected.

WhatTheWhoTheWhatThe · 15/05/2022 23:28

You were very in the right on this one. Your mum was being an emotionally manipulative cow. He isn’t ruling the roost he just asked his family if they could do something that would mean he could feel relaxed in his own home. Which is how it should be.

Original poster
Cherrylimepie · 15/05/2022 23:31

Thank you all for your comments - there's such a lot of empathy from so many of you, it's very much appreciated! It really helps. I have to work on my self esteem, as I do often question my parenting decisions, but I know I have my son's best interests at heart, and that is my priority. Thanks again to you all x

OP posts:
Ownedbymycats · 15/05/2022 23:33

Her choice of language is interesting as I'm not sure anyone should be boss in a family home.
You made the correct parenting decision and stuck by it so you should feel proud that you followed through.

Theyellowflamingo · 15/05/2022 23:33

I’d have protected my son’s boundaries too OP. Why spoil both boys time together just so someone can “say hello”. My DS is autistic and my parents don’t always understand why I parent the way I do, but they do respect that I know him much better than they do and that if they want a good relationship with him then they have to respect his needs.

I’m not interested in being my son’s “boss”, anymore than I would want to be his friend - I’m his parent, that’s not the same thing.

I think even for a NT teen it would be quite reasonable to stop a grandparent interrupting their time with a friend - different if friend was there all the time or granny visiting was a rare occasion or planned event.

AbsolutelyLoveIy · 15/05/2022 23:38

My son also has ASD and I’m so sick of my parents behaving as though he’s spoilt and indulged whereas we just want to keep him
eating speaking and sleeping - nobody ever really gets that it’s all about mitigating his anxiety

I get the same comments about my son ruling the roost

ignore it

or - which I did- I pointed out that technically it’s a disability and we make adjustments for him. I felt bad saying that as my boy is the brightest person I have ever met - but we have to manage him so carefully to keep him on track and nobody can move us off that

my mum did stop criticising my parenting after that

Singleandproud · 15/05/2022 23:43

My mums parenting mantra was always 'Why say no when you can say yes'. I'm not saying we always got to do what we liked but if it didn't hurt anyone or inconvenience anyone too much. I wasn't allowed to go to the park (drinking) as a teen like all of the people at school (turns out that was a good thing and they were right, although it didn't feel like it at the time) but could have friends around and given the family room as a compromise.

Beamur · 15/05/2022 23:48

You are the boss. You told your Mum no and enforced boundaries
. She's the one behaving poorly here, not you or your son.

ElegantlyTouched · 15/05/2022 23:57

I think the ASD is a distraction. Your son made a reasonable request and you agreed to it. You agreed to respect his request. Your mum didn't want to respect either of you. I suspect you'll have a closer relationship with your DS than you do with her as the respect goes both ways.

StScholastica · 16/05/2022 00:00

No wonder you have had low self esteem all your life. Your Mum was well out of order. Yes, you are in charge of your own home and that includes her.

PastMyBestBeforeDate · 16/05/2022 00:03

You had an agreement with ds and you honoured it. That's the key thing. My ASD teenager would struggle with understanding why you let someone else ride roughshod over that agreement
If your mum thinks you should be the boss in your own house then that applies to you when you're feeling with her too.

PastMyBestBeforeDate · 16/05/2022 00:04

Dealing not feeling. Fat fingers.