To think my it’s unfair to call me abusive?

[Marshalled]

I live with my grandmother as have since I was a young teen as my mother was an abusive alcoholic, I’m moving out at the end of the month.
ive always had issues with grandmother and DD who is 2, as she doesn’t approve of my DH, honestly mine and hers relationship has always been strained.

This isn’t new, I’ve had constant criticism for two years, it’s taking its toll, I remember being so proud of breastfeeding, still going! And being told to give her a bottle, things like that.

recently she has called me abusive, twice.

the first time, I was making dinner for DH and I, a panini, and she came in saying ‘are you really going to eat that?’. I have an eating disorder; starvation/binge and have been overweight my whole life, she thought it to be a good idea to get me weight loss pills at 12..

sorry I’ll get to the point…I ignored her initial question, she went on to tell me I was being abusive and cruel to DD for being so large and eating the way I do, that she will be embarrassed because of me when she is older. Although I’m overweight I am perfectly mobile and can run around the park and take DD swimming like everyone else, I’m losing weight however those kinds of comments only make me question myself, I mean is it abusive?

the second time was a couple days ago, DD is in the ‘hitting/biting/I’m going to kill you’ phase. I know it’s normal and it doesn’t anger me. DH and I have found taking DD somewhere quiet and explaining that we will not play if she hurts us or anyone else, works wonders and she won’t do it for the rest of the day.
we call it ‘time out’ it’s not really and I’m not sure why we call it this and maybe a change of name is in order.
However it is affective for DD and sometimes even a simple ‘do we need to stop playing and time out so we can talk about kind hands?’ Puts an end to her spree of violence 😂.

Grandmother insists this is abusive and she is too young, sometimes comparing me to my abusive parents.

I am open to hearing that maybe she has a point but I feel as though she is being a bit unfair…honest thoughts?

I’m a young mother, I had DD at 18. I’m used to the critique and usually, looking at DD, seeing how smart, kind and strong willed she is soothes that doubt, but it’s upset me this time.

I feel we would have to know a bit more about the situation. I can't see why a timeout would be abusive, it sounds good to me. Maybe you took something she was saying the wrong way?

I don't think it is right for her to body shame you at all BUT my nephew is 6 and is very large for his age. His mother is very overweight and eats A LOT. I have never said anything to her but I do worry a lot about my nephews health and how big he may be in years to come, I don't want him getting ill and I do think it is abusive to overfeed a child.

You don't sound abusive. She does.
Thank goodness you're moving out soon and won't have to deal with her any more.

Are you and your husband living with your GM? How long have you been there, maybe shes feeling a bit crowded?

If she is your mum's mum you need to leave asap, as some of it will explain your own mum's behaviour.

Regardless staying there will harm your mental health which in turn will harm your DD's.

Why did you get married and have a child and continue to live with your grandmother?!

No, neither of these things is abusive.

It's just time to move out. Don't second guess her chat. Focus on the goal.

Thank you for replying, she used the word abusive so I don’t think I took it the wrong way..

in terms of weight, I always consider over feeding children wrong, I don’t eat unhealthy generally and DD is very active and eats very well, I’m very lucky regarding that, she is by no means overweight. I think people think overweight = always eating unhealthy, but it’s not the case for me, I enjoy healthy food and the binging is a compulsion, I’ll binge on anything, healthy or not, baring in mind DD has never and will never be present, my binges are far and few between and I am lucky that I am receiving help.

We live in London it’s almost impossible to find anywhere to live, we were young when we had DD, I say DH but he’s a fiancé I should of clarified that sorry.

DH doesn’t live with us yet, he will be at the end of the month.

I have never taken for granted her letting us stay, I will never deny anything she has done for me.

If you dislike your GM so much and consider her abusive, why are you still living in her home?
She took you in when she presumably was expecting to move on to a child free life, and two years ago appears to have been bulldozed into doing the dame again

Ask her how she punished /disciplined her dc... Mention differences in generations and raising dc.. Maybe she is secretly envious you are a good dm. Imo sadly I bet she blames herself for your dm's choices.. No offence meant at all op.

I have never claimed to dislike her, I love her very much as I do all my family, even though we have all had very strained lives together.
I deeply Wish things hadn’t gone this way.

She has looked after me and my siblings for a long time, I didn’t rock up two years ago with a child and expect a room. We were placed under a protection order as children and have half lived here my entire life.

she is never babysitter, cook or nanny, I have tried my best to not effect her as much as possible.

@Summerholidayorcovidagain

thank you, I do believe she has some guilt over my mum and how things went, I also think she worries about history repeating itself.

she has two other amazing DC, they are happy kind souls.
I believe the years of trauma have built resentment in everyone who was close to it.

Your GM is abusive. Giving you diet pills at 12 is abusive. Body shaming you is abusive. Criticising your (very effective) behaviour strategies by labelling them abusive is in itself abusive. You're not doing Time Out, by the way - you are defusing the situation but staying with your DD until she is calm.

You are seeking help for our disordered eating and working on your weight and fitness. All of that will go so much better when you are no longer living with your hideous GM.

The quiet discussion sounds like a "time in" which is taught as the right thing to do in parenting classes so don't doubt yourself on that score.
The food shaming is very unfortunate and will be difficult for you to deal with/solve while living with her criticism. Hope the move works out as you definitely need space from this woman!!

I agree with comments suggesting your grandmother is abusive. I imagine this is where your mother learnt it too. The best thing you can do it move out as soon as possible and go low contact with the lot of them. You are not being abusive to your child by making a panini or being overweight yourself.

Is he moving in with you while you’re still at hers or do you mean you and he will be living together once you and DD have moved out?

Prioritising living independently is the answer. Then if you both want to you can try and build a relationship as two adults rather than adult child and parental figure.

It sounds quite complicated and probably quite emotional. Not many people would find it easy taking on several children after their own have grown up and moved out, with all of the challenges your abusive parents must have given you, and then to have a baby join the party. She’s still accommodating all of you, that says a lot about her.

She’s not using helpful language but she’s concerned about your weight and the potential ramifications for your toddler and she has different views on parenting. Both of these may be awkward ways of expressing it’s all too much for her now and she’s struggling.

You sound amazing. Your GM raised your mother which may explain much. Get yourself and your lovely family out of there ASAP

From what youve told us here, she doesnt approve of your weight or parenting but doesnt have the vocab to express that. She's obviously had contact with social services in the past so is probably using their words as her own, but getting it wrong.

I think you would benefit from some counselling, to help you come to terms with your childhood.

I also think that perhaps you and your dp need to do everything you possibly can to find somewhere else to live, even if it is just a room or two.

@AnneLovesGilbert

he will be moving in properly once we have all moved into the new place.

I don’t doubt how hard it must of been for her and I’m hindsight we were incredibly lucky to have a grandparent there.

i don’t wish to have issues with her, I find her to be in incredible woman. My question was less so to her being abusive, and more about whether there was truth to what she was saying and if I was being sensitive and reactive.

my weight has no impact on my daughter and as I lose weight and receive help for my

ED, I’ll make sure it never will. She never misses out or anything, and I’m the first one to run and play with her in the park. She is so healthy and always get given healthy homemade food, just as I feed myself and partner. I didn’t become overweight over night, as I said, I have been all my life.

shes the abusive one who gives a kid diet pills ffs

the sooner youre out of there the better

i think people are missing points here-her own child absued youbecause she probably copied her

no youre not absuive to your child at all

I think perhaps the previous posters criticising you for still living with your grandmother haven’t done the maths and worked out how young you still are. It’s perfectly normal to still need family support at your age, especially in London.

You already know that eating a panini for dinner and dealing with toddler tantrums kindly in a calm way are in no way abusive. Grin and bear the unjustified comments from your grandmother for now and focus on building a fab life for yourself.

No one's critisied OP for living with GM. OP says she's moving out at the end of the month, poster's are just saying that's good.