To think my it’s unfair to call me abusive?

[Marshalled]

I live with my grandmother as have since I was a young teen as my mother was an abusive alcoholic, I’m moving out at the end of the month.
ive always had issues with grandmother and DD who is 2, as she doesn’t approve of my DH, honestly mine and hers relationship has always been strained.

This isn’t new, I’ve had constant criticism for two years, it’s taking its toll, I remember being so proud of breastfeeding, still going! And being told to give her a bottle, things like that.

recently she has called me abusive, twice.

the first time, I was making dinner for DH and I, a panini, and she came in saying ‘are you really going to eat that?’. I have an eating disorder; starvation/binge and have been overweight my whole life, she thought it to be a good idea to get me weight loss pills at 12..

sorry I’ll get to the point…I ignored her initial question, she went on to tell me I was being abusive and cruel to DD for being so large and eating the way I do, that she will be embarrassed because of me when she is older. Although I’m overweight I am perfectly mobile and can run around the park and take DD swimming like everyone else, I’m losing weight however those kinds of comments only make me question myself, I mean is it abusive?

the second time was a couple days ago, DD is in the ‘hitting/biting/I’m going to kill you’ phase. I know it’s normal and it doesn’t anger me. DH and I have found taking DD somewhere quiet and explaining that we will not play if she hurts us or anyone else, works wonders and she won’t do it for the rest of the day.
we call it ‘time out’ it’s not really and I’m not sure why we call it this and maybe a change of name is in order.
However it is affective for DD and sometimes even a simple ‘do we need to stop playing and time out so we can talk about kind hands?’ Puts an end to her spree of violence 😂.

Grandmother insists this is abusive and she is too young, sometimes comparing me to my abusive parents.

I am open to hearing that maybe she has a point but I feel as though she is being a bit unfair…honest thoughts?

I’m a young mother, I had DD at 18. I’m used to the critique and usually, looking at DD, seeing how smart, kind and strong willed she is soothes that doubt, but it’s upset me this time.

She sounds quite bitter and you need to move out - Where does you husband live? Why can’t you live with him?

Having said that though she is harsh, the point about more overweight parents eating and then giving the same types of food to their children and passing on their eating habits is actually a big deal, this is what leads to a lot of child obesity or eating problems (sometimes overweight children can also go to the extreme in losing weight later), so that is something to consider. So I don’t know about your situation, but I would consider over feeding children to the point of making them overweight a type of abuse, if unintentional.

Im also not quite sure that a “I’m going to kill you” phase is normal for a two year old (or any age) - could it be possible that your living situation and being apart as a family is having more of an effect on your daughter than you realise. Because toddlers saying they will kill people is actually quite unusually agressive?

Thank you all for your replies, those who agree and those who don’t. I appreciate everyone taking the time.

my typing isn’t great as my phone is a bit cracked 😅so Hopefully it doesn’t autocorrect too badly.

and to clarify, we are moving out at the end of this month, We have planning to do so since I found out I was pregnant, I never wanted to stay her for longer than I needed to for everyone’s sake.

I also have PCOS so my weight isn’t just ED related and weight loss can be slower for me, I’m losing quite quickly now both ED and pcos is managed.

Soon you will have your own home with your partner and child. How wonderful that will be. X

Please read the thread if possible because I don’t want to spam.

I have an ED and PCOS, both are under control and I have been overweight, I am actively losing and have been since DD was born, i don’t over feed her and never have, she eats when she is hungry and stops when she is full, she is always given healthy home cooked meals. She is not in the slightest overweight. My weight isn’t due to a constant bad diet, nor do I eat unhealthy generally.

when I said ‘I’m going to kill you phase’ I was joking, I didn’t mean she actually says that, I was just referring to the mood she can get into when she’s tired, she can become emotional as many toddlers do.

I have no contact with my mother and we live in a calm house, very rarely any shouting or strong words.

I can’t live with my partner as he still lives at home too, again we were young when we had DD.
@Tamzo85

Your GM is abusive. Giving you diet pills at 12 is abusive. Body shaming you is abusive. Criticising your (very effective) behaviour strategies by labelling them abusive is in itself abusive. You're not doing Time Out, by the way - you are defusing the situation but staying with your DD until she is calm. You are seeking help for our disordered eating and working on your weight and fitness.

This and for what it's worth OP you sound like a bloody brilliant mum!

You sound like you're doing a fantastic job.
Your Grandmother is the abusive one, not you.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

Thank you all for your kind words, I was feeling quite down earlier but this has picked me up.