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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want MIL to take toddler DD for a whole day?

60 replies

AwfulDilemma · 15/05/2022 14:12

MIL wants to take DD (2 years and four months) on a day trip to an animal petting zoo. Which would be lovely, except that I have major concerns about MIL's ability to look after a toddler.

MIL does help us out occasionally by looking after DD if she is home ill from nursery, and we are so grateful for this, but even in the relatively safe environment of our home, a few things have happened that have made me question MIL's judgement - MIL giving DD a lollipop (choking hazard), MIL letting go of DD's hand on a footpath outside our house (DH saw this from a window and it was only sheer luck DD didn't run on to the road) and letting her jump up and down on a windowsill (DD fell off and badly bruised her elbow, thankfully nothing broken).

Due to other things that have happened, I suspect that MIL may be showing early signs of dementia. She also suffers from anxiety and panic attacks.

Every instinct I have tells me that I shouldn't say yes to this. DH and I can't go as we'll be working. DD normally goes to nursery full-time but there aren't any issues with her skipping a day, so I can't use that as an excuse. I don't want to upset MIL - she's lovely, and quite fragile emotionally, saying no would hurt her. But I have to keep my DD safe.

AIBU in desperately trying to figure out a way to say no? Am I being an overprotective parent? I don't think I am, as I'm confident in handing DD over to nursery, a couple of friends, other relatives . . . it's just that I'm so uneasy about MIL. DH feels the same - he thinks we should say yes, but doesn't want to.

OP posts:
AdriannaP · 15/05/2022 14:15

The issues you mentioned are a bit PFB to me, can your MIL really not handle a child at a petting farm for a day? Why does it have to be on a nursery day? Just say you all want to come and go together on a Sunday.

but most importantly your child’s safety is always more important than other people’s feelings. So if you really think your child is not safe, say no or suggest to go together.

GarlicGnocchi · 15/05/2022 14:17

Say you'd like to make a family trip of it and all go together

Daisy4569 · 15/05/2022 14:21

Can you say she can be challenging in new environments so you’d like to be around to help? That she can take her and you/you and your partner will go to the cafe and be on hand if needed?

MrsGinaHarrison87 · 15/05/2022 14:22

I was going to say yabu till I read it all, now I can definitely see your point. I wouldn't let my kids go out with someone who would struggle to take care of them. My mil is an alcoholic with her own issues, she's offered to babysit and I've politely declined. Thankfully she hasn't pressed the issue. I'm not sure what you're best approach is. Maybe it would be best to come from your husband rather than you? Or could you say that you're going through a difficult patch, behaviour wise, with your child and you think it's best to wait until they're a bit older?

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/05/2022 14:23

Of course you can say no. Suggest you all go on a weekend day so you can enjoy it together. Say DD is a bit of a handful at the moment and you’d prefer to wait till she’s older for a full grandma day. You’ve got options. And it’s nice to worry about her feelings but they don’t matter more than yours or your DH’s, or your daughters safety and well-being.

So what if you’re being overly cautious or precious, I would be too. As her parents you and her dad decide stuff like this. Other peoples feelings aren’t worth tying yourself up in knots for. You’re not depriving them of a nice relationship, you’re saying no to a full day. That’s alright.

SamphirethePogoingStickerist · 15/05/2022 14:24

Say no. Tell her that you want to go with them to take loads of lovely picture of the two of them at the zoo. Then arrange a day as soon as practical.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 15/05/2022 14:28

I'd go for the whole family day out in this case - she just sounds a bit casual to be in full charge of a toddler in a lively and unfamiliar environment.

Sirzy · 15/05/2022 14:29

I think if the pair of you agree she isn’t safe to look after her then you have to say so and maybe agree to all go together another day. But you also need to stop using her for childcare when it suits you.

MadameCholetsDirtySecret · 15/05/2022 14:32

Will you still be asking her to look after your DD when you need help in the future?

IncompleteSenten · 15/05/2022 14:35

I wouldn't send my child off out for a day with someone I had genuine safety concerns about because I didn't want to hurt their feelings.

HalfShrunkMoreToGo · 15/05/2022 14:36

At 2 years old, I would have allowed a lollipop, let go of DDs hand on a quiet path if she's generally well behaved about not running off and let her stand on the windowsill to look out the window, so on those points I would say you're being a bit precious.

The possible dementia, anxiety and panic attacks would be more of a concern dependant on what is making you think dementia and whether she has adequate measures in place to manage to anxiety and panic attacks.

Hallyup89 · 15/05/2022 14:39

You're being overprotective.

CheshireCats · 15/05/2022 14:39

I agree with @MadameCholetsDirtySecret .
Mil is good enough for emergency childcare to drop everything when it benefits op, but not good enough to do the fun stuff.

MrsGinaHarrison87 · 15/05/2022 14:45

CheshireCats · 15/05/2022 14:39

I agree with @MadameCholetsDirtySecret .
Mil is good enough for emergency childcare to drop everything when it benefits op, but not good enough to do the fun stuff.

I would have thought she's more worried because she's taking her out in public where the chances of the kid getting lost or coming to harm are higher. Watching a child in their own home for an hour or so isn't the same as going on a day out.

Original poster
AwfulDilemma · 15/05/2022 14:53

Mixed responses . . . including some unfair accusations and assumptions, and downright hostility, which I guess is standard for AIBU!

It wasn't a quiet path, by the way - that would be fine - it's a busy road. Even the most relaxed parent in the world wouldn't let a two-year old run along it unsupervised, trust me!

I should point out that we take DD to see MIL loads, and at MIL's convenience, it's not just that we ask her to come round for emergency childcare. We want DD and MIL to be close as I was close to my grandmother.

I'm just so, so uneasy about this. And the weekend thing (so we could go) wouldn't work as there's a specific event on that MIL wants to take DD to.

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 15/05/2022 14:53

GarlicGnocchi · 15/05/2022 14:17

Say you'd like to make a family trip of it and all go together

Perfect! Tell her you would hate to miss out on a trip like this.

girlmom21 · 15/05/2022 14:57

She's fine to look after DD when it benefits you, though?

Babyvenusplant · 15/05/2022 15:17

Is there anybody else who could go with them?

BuffyFanForever · 15/05/2022 15:19

perhaps just say it sounds lovey and that your child would enjoy it so much that you wouldn’t want to miss it too! Arrange if for a different day where you can be present. If there’s any chance of dementia or symptoms consistent with this it would be really dangerous for her to be in some charge of a child.

maybein2022 · 15/05/2022 15:22

I know you’re both working, but could you not use a day of annual leave to go with her? I have first hand experience of a MIL with dementia (sadly passed away now) and if it is what your MIL has, I wouldn’t let her take your toddler there alone, but I would be doing everything possible to make sure she had a lovely day with her granddaughter before she is no longer able to at all. Sorry if that sounds horrible, but I wish my kids had had more time with their grandma. Appreciate AL is precious though. Difficult one! Good luck OP. X

ClaudiusTheGod · 15/05/2022 15:24

CheshireCats · 15/05/2022 14:39

I agree with @MadameCholetsDirtySecret .
Mil is good enough for emergency childcare to drop everything when it benefits op, but not good enough to do the fun stuff.

Where’s your evidence for this outrageous assumption? People like you are dangerous.

Sirzy · 15/05/2022 15:26

ClaudiusTheGod · 15/05/2022 15:24

Where’s your evidence for this outrageous assumption? People like you are dangerous.

Show quote history

You mean other than where the OP has said they use her for childcare when their daughter can’t go to nursery?

she can either be trusted to look after her or she can’t. You can’t have it both ways.

Owwlie · 15/05/2022 15:27

I don’t think you’re being pfb OP, but I know of a child who died after choking on an uncut grape and I get really paranoid over choking hazards, so maybe I’m too cautious.

But my MiL often doesn’t seem to see the dangers in obvious things sometimes (letting go of 2 year old DDs hand in a busy car park!), luckily for us she doesn’t ask to babysit though.

maybein2022 · 15/05/2022 15:29

Also agree that you can’t expect MIL to look after your DD if she’s ill and can’t go to nursery if she has the start of dementia. Could be just as dangerous as going out… eg leaving a pan on, leaving front door open, leaving DD near water, anything really. I don’t mean to alarm you but we left our DD as a baby with MIL for an evening event not realising she had the start of dementia. Fortunately nothing terrible happened other than her forgetting to give her a bottle and change her nappy so when we got home she was screaming and dirty, but luckily that was as bad as it got (and I was very upset at the time!)

obsessedwithsleep · 15/05/2022 15:32

YANBU and if you're worried then definitely don't let her. My MIL is a lot more with it than this but I still wouldn't let her take my similarly aged DD for the day.

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