To not want MIL to take toddler DD for a whole day?

[AwfulDilemma]

MIL wants to take DD (2 years and four months) on a day trip to an animal petting zoo. Which would be lovely, except that I have major concerns about MIL's ability to look after a toddler.

MIL does help us out occasionally by looking after DD if she is home ill from nursery, and we are so grateful for this, but even in the relatively safe environment of our home, a few things have happened that have made me question MIL's judgement - MIL giving DD a lollipop (choking hazard), MIL letting go of DD's hand on a footpath outside our house (DH saw this from a window and it was only sheer luck DD didn't run on to the road) and letting her jump up and down on a windowsill (DD fell off and badly bruised her elbow, thankfully nothing broken).

Due to other things that have happened, I suspect that MIL may be showing early signs of dementia. She also suffers from anxiety and panic attacks.

Every instinct I have tells me that I shouldn't say yes to this. DH and I can't go as we'll be working. DD normally goes to nursery full-time but there aren't any issues with her skipping a day, so I can't use that as an excuse. I don't want to upset MIL - she's lovely, and quite fragile emotionally, saying no would hurt her. But I have to keep my DD safe.

AIBU in desperately trying to figure out a way to say no? Am I being an overprotective parent? I don't think I am, as I'm confident in handing DD over to nursery, a couple of friends, other relatives . . . it's just that I'm so uneasy about MIL. DH feels the same - he thinks we should say yes, but doesn't want to.

Listen to your instincts, they sound entirely reasonable.

Why shouldn't you all go together? What exactly is the importance of a day alone that it justifies having to worry about it in this way?

If you don’t feel comfortable about it then say no - go with your gut instinct. As a PP suggested you can just say she’s a bit of a handful at the moment.

A day’s emergency childcare in your own home is very different to a day out at a petting zoo. However, if you really think she might have the start of dementia you should probably get an assessment arranged for her so you can decide what level of childcare you’re happy with going forward.

Thanks everyone. I'm really doing my best to be reasonable and rational but it's very difficult to put a gut feeling aside. And some of your experiences are making me think I'd be negligent to do so.

As for the potential for dementia, I've done some research in the last few weeks and it looks like all we can do is contact her GP and put our concerns on record, in the hopes that they'll broach an assessment when she's next there. I don't have a lot of faith that this will happen, though; her GP doesn't seem very reliable, from what MIL has described in her dealings with their local surgery.

How old is MIL? Because a lot of dementia 'symptoms' are actually the same as menopause symptoms.

Your child, your decision. Personally I wouldn’t trust my dad with my children even at home. He is just not sharp enough anymore. If I don’t feel comfortable with it it won’t happen.

As for dementia - it can take a long time to properly show. If we think back it was easily a decade that the signs were there. So I don’t think you are unreasonable for saying that at all. It is important to pick up early.

Ask them to call her in for a memory assessment under the guise of a 'health check' and go with her if you can.

Trust your instincts. Fine another day to go when you're all free.

My own child nearly died on a lollipop at 2. You are not being over cautious there.

Either family day out or you make it very clear what you expect in a friendly way. 2 is very young. If that goes down like a stink or she is dismissive then she doesn’t go.

Thanks everyone, it's been really useful to read the responses. I think we'll see how the holiday goes, and make a decision after that.

MIL is 68, so not elderly by any stretch, but she's not very active and struggles to move quickly when needed. DD is a bolter and we use reins, but MIL doesn't like them, so I don't think she'd use them even if we asked (she's quite contrary; this has increased in the last couple of years, she's lovely but very stubborn).

MIL hasn't actually looked after DD for us since early January, when DD had chickenpox, so all the interactions in the last few months have been when we've taken DD to visit her every couple of weeks, or met PILs somewhere for lunch or a day out etc. There's been so many instances where I've thought 'uh oh!' Things like DD wanting a sip of MIL's tea - instead of saying "no, it's too hot, that's gran's tea", MIL actually started to give DD a sip before I intervened, or the time when we were out for a walk and, behind us, MIL helped DD climb over a fence so DD could see some lambs - DH had to climb over and get her back again as she immediately ran further into the field. Pretty sure the farmer would NOT have been happy about that!

So yes, if we're noticing all these things when we're there, I really worry about what could happen if we're not around and MIL has to manage DD on her own. PIL isn't in great health so unfortunately can't really provide back-up.