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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ghost my sister

76 replies

Doggymaman · 15/05/2022 13:02

My sister accidentally sent me a text intended for someone else where she called me a selfish bitch as I couldn’t go somewhere with her and my niece due to having plans with DH.
I am really upset as she always comes across as someone who wants to help everybody and feel now that I don’t really know her at all.
I have done a lot for her and her kids since she got divorced, now I see she slags me off behind my back because I’ve dared to say I have plans that don’t include her.
I haven’t challenged her yet as I don’t want to talk to her.
She’s been texting me about her birthday and I’ve been blanking her.
(She hasn’t realised she text me in error)

OP posts:
gettingolderandgrumpy · 15/05/2022 16:55

Doggymaman · 15/05/2022 13:49

Just text her saying: I’m surprised you’re talking to me about your birthday considering I’m such a selfish bitch and would presumably be far too selfish to care…

Well if you want to fall out with her that’s the way to go …
the advice to just send her the message saying how hurt you are was the best thing to me your just escalating this .

sonjadog · 15/05/2022 17:12

I wouldn't have texted that unless you want to escalate it.

AngelinaFangelina · 15/05/2022 17:36

I'd definitely screenshot the message she sent you and send it to her saying considering your feelings towards me I would rather talk to you at the moment. Give her the opportunity to explain and apologise.

AngelinaFangelina · 15/05/2022 17:37

Oh, you've already replied. Well, let's see if she says sorry!

coffeecupsandfairylights · 15/05/2022 17:38

Doggymaman · 15/05/2022 13:49

Just text her saying: I’m surprised you’re talking to me about your birthday considering I’m such a selfish bitch and would presumably be far too selfish to care…

I really don't think that was a smart move.

Personally, I don't know anyone who never talks badly about other people. She didn't intend for you to see the message - it was meant as a private rant with a friend.

Can you honestly say you've never spoken badly about anyone behind their back before, OP?

PinkiOcelot · 15/05/2022 17:45

Any response from your sister?

Calling you selfish is very mild to what my sister was like with me. Texts actually to me! Hence I’m NC with her!

Prerapher · 15/05/2022 18:29

My sister has a bit of a short fuse too and over the years she's said some pretty hurtful things to me when she's 'got one on her' and I've said things to her that I regret too but at the end of the day when the brown sticky stuff hits the fan she's always there for me and vice versa and that's what counts.

Scurryfunge12 · 16/05/2022 08:01

How has she not realised?

On modern phones I think not realising is quite difficult because the conversation follows a string on the screen so I would have thought she would realise quite quickly when she went to text you and seen the last one.

Odd. Yes, I’d definitely say, ‘’Don’t bother inviting me if I’m such a selfish Bitch’’

PurassicJark · 16/05/2022 08:19

She probably did that deliberately to get a reaction. You've 'ditched' her too many times in her eyes for your husband, so she's lost her temper with you and been a bitch. Is she single by any chance? Would explain why she's so jealous of your marriage, although from her behaviour its no wonder if she is single.

She meant it and was seeing if you'd fall into line probably and stop ditching her. Surprised at how many people are that accepting of this behaviour, or are these the people who would do this kind of thing and expect forgiveness?

She might be your sister, but she's only family by blood. Doesn't mean she is your actual family or anyone you have to spend time with. I wouldn't want to spend time with the cow now either. And in future if she asks for money, tell the bitch to quit choosing cigarettes over her kids.

Original poster
Doggymaman · 16/05/2022 19:03

Well, last night I text sis being a bit petty admittedly as I was so peed off saying why do you want me to come to your birthday if I’m so selfish.
She phoned me and asked what I was on about so I said read the text you sent me earlier. Then, she went quiet and put the phone down on me.
She then phoned me back an hour later and said she was angry that I was going out with my husband instead of her and the text was to a mutual friend.

Our mutual friend told her she was the selfish one not accepting that I am actually allowed to spend time with the man I married not be with her 24/7. By the way, she’s my stepsister and we didn’t live together as she’s 10 years older than me but I’ve known her since I was 7 so she’s my sister just not by blood, not that it makes much difference.

She didn’t apologise or offer any explanation so I said we should take a break from each other until she’s ready to acknowledge she’s upset me.

OP posts:
drpet49 · 16/05/2022 19:07

I wouldn’t ghost her. This is what pathetically weak people do.

^This

GloriousGoosebumps · 16/05/2022 19:56

Actually that's not a bad outcome @Doggymaman , she now knows that you know how she speaks about you and you now get a break from her (at least until she apologises!) Use the time to work out how you can train her to have more reasonable expectations of what she can ask of you!

IncompleteSenten · 16/05/2022 20:00

I agree with pp, that's a good outcome.

GeorgesMarvelousCalpol · 16/05/2022 20:53

Good result for you, as I see it. Take this time to really think how she treats you, and that you deserve so much better. Flowers

PurassicJark · 16/05/2022 21:03

Don't forgive her fully though until she actually apologises. And she has to mean it, can't be a half assed apology.

mcmooberry · 16/05/2022 21:09

Well done, it's horrible falling out with anyone but she has behaved very badly here and needs to apologise.

ittakes2 · 16/05/2022 21:11

I think she is jealous of you - especially you being married since her marriage failed.

TeatimeGlitter · 16/05/2022 21:41

I have to be honest and say that I can't help but empathise with your sister; she clearly loves you very much if she got that upset about not getting to spend time with you that she sent such an angry message to her friend. Of course she shouldn't have called you that, and I very much doubt that she meant it, but it shows how much you, and getting to spend time with you, mean to her.

She's probably embarrassed and a bit humiliated that you saw the text (hence hanging up), and can't turn around and say "I love you so much and just miss you and feel a bit sad/lonely/jealous when I'm confronted that you have other priorities" because, as siblings, we often don't speak that openly, instead resorting to childish namecalling and passive aggressiveness. It's also possible that she's not emotionally aware enough to know why the pain of you not having time for her triggered her to speak badly about you.

I think the mature way forward would be for you to give the olive branch and say "I really value our time together just as much as you do, and love you very much, but I have also got to put one-on-one time into my marriage, which in no way detracts from the fact that I'm always going to be there for you, and put time into you and your DC, no matter what."

I know there's the whole "don't reward bad behaviour" line, but to be honest, life is too short, especially when it comes to family.

TeatimeGlitter · 16/05/2022 21:45

It should help her to feel reassured and, for want of a better phrase, chill the fuck out when you've got other priorities on.

Bonheurdupasse · 16/05/2022 22:46

OP

It sounds like if you look back, it will have been an unbalanced relationship, with her taking advantage of you for years.
You should reconsider how much you want to be taken advantage of going forward.
I would take a break for a bit from being at her beck and call.

billy1966 · 16/05/2022 23:30

Take some time to cool down.

If she is very demanding generally, maybe stepping back a bit is a good idea.

AWOL66 · 16/05/2022 23:49

Why didn't you do what normal people do and bottle it up and splurge it out at a high emotion time like in a drunken argument over Christmas dinner. Or just rant to your mum in her earshot 😂

Vikinga · 17/05/2022 00:16

I would tell her that you're both hurt and annoyed that she feels that way and as much as you love her and enjoy spending time with her, you can't include her in everything. That you're entitled to make plans without her and spend time with your husband and not be made to feel guilty about it.

diddl · 17/05/2022 21:27

I have to be honest and say that I can't help but empathise with your sister; she clearly loves you very much if she got that upset about not getting to spend time with you that she sent such an angry message to her friend.

Or she could just be a very selfish person who gets nasty when she doesn't get her own way.

I sometimes find that an insult someone uses fits them more than the person they use it about.

TeatimeGlitter · 17/05/2022 21:44

@diddl Haha well you’re not wrong there😂 I have a little sister who I let get away with murder, so there is that.

I suppose it is strange behaviour considering OP’s sister is 10 years older than OP, but families are complicated 🤷‍♀️

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