WWYD colleague potentially outed?

[Mindmyownbusiness]

I've name changed to protect others involved incase anyone knows my username irl.

Apologies for this being a ramble. I've been trying to make up my mind as to what to do, if anything, for a couple of weeks.

A colleague revealed to me that they thought another colleague identified as LGBTQ. They stated it as fact that they were. At that point I told them I wasn't 'in the know' if they were and that they shouldn't spread that information about as it's not their information to tell. They didn't seem to understand. They're quite young and naïve and there is a language barrier.

Whilst in a modern society it shouldn't be a problem, the potentially outed colleague is Muslim. I identify as LGBTQ myself and have watched many Muslim friends go through family estrangement on account of it being haram.

So, do I tell potentially outed colleague that these things are being said about them so they can deal with any potential backlash? Whether they are LGBT is not my business, but they're a kind and lovely person and I would hate for them to experience hardship because someone is either spreading rumours or sharing information that isn't theirs to share.

Part of me also wonders if the outing colleague was fishing for me to say "yes, x is y". It was all a weird conversation I don't know how I got sucked into.

And of course, I am not saying all Muslims are anti-lgbt, I just don't know where my colleague and their family sit and if I can give them forewarning to protect themselves I should, right?

I don't understand why you didn't tell this "quite young" colleague to wind their neck in and make it clear that this type of gossiping/chatter is completely unacceptable. Whatever "language barrier" there might be is nonsense.

@Aquamarine1029 I did. Not in those exact words as she wouldn't have understood that turn of phrase, but I am confident I left her in no doubt that it's not her information to share.

But it doesn't mean that A) she hasn't already told others, B) that she'll stop discussing it. I can't control her.

My question is, do I tell the potentially outed colleague that things have been said?

Can't you report her to someone at work, surely spreading that kind of gossip is against company policy especially when it can have real life consequences for the one being gossiped about...also discretely take the Muslim aside and tell them whet she said, and also say to them that whether they are gay, straight or whatever is their own private business and thy don't need to explain to anyone...but please do report it, she is there to do a job, not to potentially ruin someone's life, don't let language barrier and age fool you, she knew enough of the language to say it to you ,

Its nobody's business. She should keep her nose out and gob shut.

I think that's difficult OP. How well do you know potentially outed colleague?

If you don't have a friendly relationship with them already I think there's a danger of you looking like you're the one who's gossiping and wrecking your relationship and colleague not taking your warning seriously (so it also being of no benefit).

I would speak to HR, if you have one. Or someone senior if not.

being young and naive isn’t a reason this person thinks it’s ok. Generally, young people are more clued up on this sort of thing. Not a chance would my 18 year old do this. or even my 11 year old.

I don’t think the language barrier is an excuse either. I don’t live in the country I am from so that not me being weird about people from other countries or who don’t speak English.

Regardless this needs to be clearly communicated and recorded that this isn’t ok. In any circumstances.

Keep out of it. You have done your bit by shutting down the conversation with this younger colleague.

Keep. Out. Of. It!
Say nothing to anyone.
Stop even thinking about it.

What nation does the language barrier come from?

LGBT people are treated very differently in different places - some places horrendously and some places wonderfully. It could well be a cultural difference.

To be honest if someone told me they throughout someone was LGBT I wouldn’t bat an eyelid - but I have no issue with other peoples sexuality.

However the fact the colleague is Muslim complicates things and I would raise it quietly with them personally and certainly not involve HR. Let them decide how they want to handle it which may be they themselves approach HR.

There shouldn’t be any backlash unless they have relatives who are homophobic and work in your work place. Or any other homophobes.

Never been able to figure out why anyone cares who someone else likes to have sex with.

If she said that me I'd just go "oh are they" and leave it at that and if she carried on I'd have said "I really don't care" just shut that shit down straight away.

Yes, you tell her. In the spirit of what you have written here, I think it is the kindest thing to do.

If you aren’t sure that your younger colleague understood your explanation as to why they can’t go sharing this kind of rumour, then you could also go to HR and ask them to take it on.

I also think it depends how friendly you are with your 'outed' colleague. If you know them quite well then I'd definitely have a chat with them and just repeat what has been said, by who, and the fact you shut it down as best you could. If you don't know them well I'd just drop a brief, totally factual, email to HR about the conversation and let it be known it made you uncomfortable- but don't talk to your colleague as you don't know how they'd react.

I think I would yes, it does sound like it could have been a nosy person fishing for confirmation. To see if you said 'oh really' or just didn't react like you 'knew'.
And the person executing this test might think you'd know being closer to them?

It does sound ridiculous, nobody needs to be chatting about somebody else's orientation at work. Your muslim friend should be free to reveal or hide what she's comfortable with and no more and not have colleagues playing join the dot around her silence.

You've been put into a tricky position here. On balance, I would tell the person and all them if they would like me to report it to HR. Keep it calm e.g.
"X has been chatting inappropriately this week about you, and I just want to let you know to see if you want me to report her to HR. She was alleging you are LGBTQ. I've told her I've no idea, and to stop gossiping about other people's private business. Would you like me to raise an issue to HR about her or just leave it for now?" If they say to leave it then advise they can call on you to give the details to HR if there are other problems with this person in future.

Agree with @Giveitall .

This whole conversation could backfire onto you and it’s 2 weeks since it happened.
Just keep out of it.

You shut down the conversation with your younger colleague because it wasn't any of her business. That was the right thing to do. It's none of your business either. Leave it there.

Shut down the younger colleague but a discreet heads up to the other colleague might be appreciated.

But this is the problem when you start bringing people's gender and sexuality into the workplace, under the disguise as 'diversity' etc and insisting on displaying pronouns. Unless it impacts their job all this should be left at the door and treated as a private matter so good luck with HR if you decide to go down that route.

The best thing you could have done is tell the gossiping colleague to stop gossiping, which is exactly what you did so good on you for that.

I wouldn't do any thing else. You dont seem to know much about the other colleagues situation so im guessing you arent that close and you will come off as a busy body.

Saying it's not her information to share is kind of confirming the rumour, though, isn't it?

No, of course you shouldn't say anything. Mind you own business.

Yes, have a quiet word. You seem very thoughtful x

Hi OP, if you hear this rumour again, take action, speak to HR/management if you have appropriate organisational structure. I would not speak to your potentially outed colleague, as you may cause them unnecessary anxiety. Younger colleague may heed your advice. Nothing more may be said. You have acted appropriately for now IMO, anymore would be interfering/creating potential unnecessary drama. You sound like a kind person though.

Just stay out of it. I'm not sure what informing your colleague would achieve. Why do they need to know what has been said? Do they have family at your workplace?

So, do I tell potentially outed colleague that these things are being said about them so they can deal with any potential backlash? Whether they are LGBT is not my business, but they're a kind and lovely person and I would hate for them to experience hardship because someone is either spreading rumours or sharing information that isn't theirs to share.

What would the "backlash" be? I assume their family don't work with your colleague so what would the impact be?

I definitely wouldn’t mention it to the person being gossiped about. They will be going through enough without needing to know this.

Speak to the person who said it and explain the Muslim/LGBT issue and how damaging it can be to even be discussing it. It’s easy to see things from a more open perspective and wonder why someone seems to be hiding their sexuality, the gossiper may not even be aware of the Muslim/LGBT issue.

Then see how they react. If the gossiper continues then by all means speak to your manager/HR.