WWYD colleague potentially outed?

[Mindmyownbusiness]

I've name changed to protect others involved incase anyone knows my username irl.

Apologies for this being a ramble. I've been trying to make up my mind as to what to do, if anything, for a couple of weeks.

A colleague revealed to me that they thought another colleague identified as LGBTQ. They stated it as fact that they were. At that point I told them I wasn't 'in the know' if they were and that they shouldn't spread that information about as it's not their information to tell. They didn't seem to understand. They're quite young and naïve and there is a language barrier.

Whilst in a modern society it shouldn't be a problem, the potentially outed colleague is Muslim. I identify as LGBTQ myself and have watched many Muslim friends go through family estrangement on account of it being haram.

So, do I tell potentially outed colleague that these things are being said about them so they can deal with any potential backlash? Whether they are LGBT is not my business, but they're a kind and lovely person and I would hate for them to experience hardship because someone is either spreading rumours or sharing information that isn't theirs to share.

Part of me also wonders if the outing colleague was fishing for me to say "yes, x is y". It was all a weird conversation I don't know how I got sucked into.

And of course, I am not saying all Muslims are anti-lgbt, I just don't know where my colleague and their family sit and if I can give them forewarning to protect themselves I should, right?

This is something you raise with management

Don’t try to deal with it yourself

OP doesn't need to "deal" with anything. Ironic that people think the best thing to do to prevent "outing" is for OP to discuss it with other people.

Being outed is fucking awful.

I would speak to HR but I absolutely would not give the name of the person they are attempting to out.

Your main concern seems to be the fact these people aren’t Christian, Middle Aged, speaking English as their first language and
You seem to think this will make being non-heterosexual/trans harder for them?

I don't understand why your colleague's family are an issue - how on earth would they find out about what is being said about them at work? In any case you have no idea about the background and wider context. It may be that your colleague is out at work anyway and that it's just not a big deal to them.

I'd leave well alone and not say anything to anyone.

What potential backlash is likely to happen unless any family members work with colleague in question? I’d leave it be. It’s kind of you to worry for her but if there’s no real chance of family finding out, could the consequences of telling her, potentially embarrassing her, making her feel paranoid, angry toward person gossiping etc be worse?

Op should not tell other one one who about it apart for the person apart from the person involved.

Otherwise they have done exactly they’ve done what they have said the same exactly as person who they are posted apart!

I don’t think I’d say anything to the ‘potential’ person, for fear of possibly causing acute embarrassment.
However I’d have another very firm word with the young blabber, to the effect that this sort of gossip is most definitely not on, and if you get to hear or suspect of any more of it, you’ll report them to HR.

OFGS. Don't ask, don't tell. Yeah, that's a really good idea and will definitely advance acceptance. Worked so well in the US military, as countless discharged and disgraced [and some dead] ex-employees will attest.
But you just have to make an anti-trans dig. If no-one talks about pronouns they won't cause any trouble!

I WOULD go to HR. Whether it’s true or not, outing people (especially those who are not comfortable with sharing personal information) is extremely dangerous.

I wouldn't go directly to HR. That would make me just as culpable. I would support outed colleague if they wished to go to HR and provide any details necessary.

They may be out at work and I may just not be aware as there's so many more interesting things to talk about than something that isn't my business and doesn't change how I think of them.

There are friendship groups at work that socialise outside of work, meeting families may be part of that for some. Also there could easily be something said on social media that could feed back to family. Whilst I don't have social media myself I know most of my colleagues have each other on Facebook. This is where my concern lies.

At the time of the conversation with the younger colleague, I did explain to them why not to share other people's personal identities with others both generally and in the concept of being Muslim/it being haram (as best as I can, given I don't know the finest intricacies of the faith).

Thanks for all the feedback so far. I do appreciate the input and opinions.

I would keep quiet

Keep out of it.

If nothing else, you will not come out smelling of roses....however you phrase it or wrap it up you are going to be the one gossiping in this scenario. It will boil down to the following

"Hi Phillipa. Just wanted to know Dave thought you were gay. I don't care but wanted you to be aware."

Phillipa takes to HR. "Hi HR. Mindyourownbusiness was asking me if I was gay and it makes me feel very uncomfortable/want to complain."

Taking this further is just spreading the gossip further. Leave it.

I agree! One of my colleagues invited me to her wedding last year and is currently pregnant! How DARE she bring her heterosexual identity into the workplace, flaunting her sexuality all over.

Unless you only meant non-heterosexual sexuality and non-transgender identity?

I would keep quiet about it. It’s not your business and you have no idea how your muslim colleague will take the information. You don’t know if the rumour is true or whether they will find it offensive/ upsetting/ absurd as opposed to helpful. My sexuality isn’t known at work and personally ersonally I wouldn’t particularly like a colleague coming up to me to tell me another colleague thinks I’m gay, it would make me feel paranoid that people are gossiping and talking about me behind me back.

I also think it’s a bit of a leap to think that one rumour at work said by one person is going to be outing or get back to their family etc and I’m not even sure what their religion has to do with this. It’s offensive to assume that because they are Muslim their family won’t accept this. What would you be doing if you heard this rumour about a non-Muslim colleague? I don’t see why your behaviour should be any different.

I think you were right to shut down the gossiping colleague but if you want to take it further the solution is to report it to HR and say that the rumours and gossiping around sexuality made you uncomfortable as you feel like they were suggesting of the colleague is LGBT it is some sort of negative. You don’t have to involve the Muslim colleague at all, you can say you were upset by it yourself.

But honestly, unless the Muslim colleague is an extremely close friend I wouldn’t bring this to them, as a general rule nobody wants to feel like others are talking about them behind their back and you also don’t know whether the rumour is true or how they will react.

No I wouldn't mention it to anyone, including the person spoken about. It just adds drama.

Look at it this way. Say the rumour is that X is gay. You go to X and say “I know it’s none of my business but I just wanted to let you know that Y is spreading rumours that you’re gay.”

a) X is gay, they either mind or don’t mind about people at work knowing but they probably feel shit that colleagues are gossiping about them

b) X isn’t gay. They feel shit that colleagues are gossiping about them, and they’re faced with the question of whether to just let Y keep talking rubbish about them or try to shut down the rumours. Not easy to do and likely to create a bigger fuss.

neither is a good result and you’ve created trouble for X when it’s really Y who’s the problem. I’d let HR have a quiet word with Y that spreading rumours and trying to gather information on people’s sexuality isn’t ok.

I'd be this potentially outed colleagues ally.

Ask to have a quite meeting, just you and them.

Mention that young colleague (YC) mentioned to you in conversation that they thought that your colleague is gay, you're not sure how this might impact on them but you felt it best that they should be aware of what is being said. You're not spreading anything that YC mentioned to you and you will support your colleague in whatever way they may need going forwards.

If they are gay, they may need your support in the workplace. If they aren't, well they will then know that you are to be trusted with delicate issues and you've showed that you're a good colleague who looks out for others.

That's what I would do.

Doesn’t everyone have people attempt to gossip about colleagues? I don’t get why this is a big deal. Shut it down, move on if you’re not gossipy.

A couple of weeks ago a colleague said something, you told them it was inappropriate, it's all been quiet since, and now you want to tell the collegue that was mentioned weeks ago?

Sounds like you want to stir some drama a bit and be 'the shoulder to cry on' "I'm so totally cool if you're LGBT+ but I just thought I'd tell you that another colleague clearly isnt because they told me so" what would be the point in that?

I would tell your colleague it’s none of their business and then stay well out of this. You risk fanning the flames and causing more upset by telling this person what was said.

LookItsMeAgain seriously. Do you like starting office dramas?.

Op you did the right thing with gossipy colleague. Now stay the heck out of it and dont fan any flames.

The only people you should talk to is hr.
if this is made up gossip it’s bullying.
if it’s true it could still fall under bullying but it absolutely is inappropriate workplace behaviour that is bad for morale. Gossip needs to know this is serious and not on. That’s hr job. Not yours once you’ve shut down the original conversation.

Funny how it's never a problem for straight people to bring their sexuality into work. No one bats an eyelid when Rachel talks about her husband and kids, or when Steve talks about dating Sarah.

It's only when Rachel talks about her wife that it becomes "bringing your sexuality into work"

I would have a conversation with the Muslim colleague about some office gossip you heard . I would not mention who said it, or who it was about. Just a not-directed-at-anybody heads up, and leave it at that.

I'd also tell the gossiping colleague to STFU with the sexual speculation. Work colleagues sexuality is nobody's business.