Page 3 | What is ‘fair’ with a newborn?

maybein2022 · 2022-05-14T18:48:56+00:00

Currently pregnant with number 3. Big age gap between last child and this one. With both previous babies, DH got very stressed about not sleeping because of his job (not a physical job, not something that involves any kind of responsibility for other peoples lives ie not a doctor, pilot etc and no driving), but stressful. His argument was, because he needed to work, he needed to sleep. I did get that, but both my babies slept appallingly for months and I was literally surviving on very, very minimal sleep. They didn’t sleep well during the day either, so I didn’t get to sleep then. I got on with it, but there was some resentment on both sides, especially when he’d rock up at 10 pm having been ‘very busy’ at work. This time around, his job is much less stressful than before and he has loads of flexibility over hours/WFH etc which was not an option last time. We are both really excited about the baby, and as the other two are so much older, I won’t be dealing with toddlers etc either. We have also been much better at communicating and I have told him that my worry this time is sleep or lack of. So, what’s the Mumsnet view? YABU: you’re at home, he’s working, you do all the baby’s night wakings and let him sleep through. YANBU: He should help with some of the night wakings.

NeedAHoliday2021 · 14/05/2022 21:23

I never understand men who get out of night waking. It’s utter torture so to put the person you live through that without doing your share makes no sense to me… but then I had twins and a toddler. dd1 would rarely sleep for 3 hours in one go (was 12 weeks old to the day when she slept a full 3 hours). I felt permanently ill.

Dh would get up and change baby’s nappy then hand me baby for feed - he was awake for a few minutes then could go back to sleep while I feed baby for 30 minutes.

Happyhappyday · 14/05/2022 21:24

Doing an office job with crappy sleep isn’t any worse than trying to parent. He should be doing sane as you overnight. Try to get each of you a 4-5 hour block of sleep (i went to bed at 7:30-8pm) and he can suck it up. Also, do shared parental leave for a couple minutes this at the beginning when things are worst.

Bubblesandsqueak1 · 14/05/2022 21:25

I went back to work when ds was 6 weeks so I went to bed at 9pm he covered till around 2am I took over 2 till 7.30 then he was up but tbh he slept though the night 9 x out of 10 from around 3 months he also stayed at hone did all housework ect while I was at work I would come back take over and cook tes ect we both got at least 6 hours a night sleep

Dad808 · 15/05/2022 00:25

Every couple is different and I think it's best to just talk to him about how you feel. Getting opinions on here is great but kind of irrelevant for your own unique situation. My wife looks after our newborn daughter (including all night feeds) and I pretty much look after our toddler son. I try to take more housework to help out but the key is good communication.

mathanxiety · 15/05/2022 00:29

I get the feeling from the OP that the H in her case doesn't understand there's no I in Team and that they've been down the 'communication' road before, with only self pity and self absorption coming from him and no actual help.

Dad808 · 15/05/2022 00:32

Next step couples therapy?

mathanxiety · 15/05/2022 00:41

So I need to be a lot more clear, eg, ‘I’m really tired, I need to go to bed for a few hours this evening’ or, ‘I need you to cook dinner tonight please.’ Anyway. Let’s see!

I wouldn't ask it as a favour on an ad hoc basis or offer any reasons.

Just give him a straight up -
"I know how exhausted I'm going to feel until the baby starts getting a good stretch in the nights. In fact, I fully anticipate it will be even more exhausting than it was ten years ago because I'm not getting any younger, so here's what you need to do while I'm a zombie. Feel free to rope in the older DCs to lend a hand. Three sets of hands are better than one.
Cleaning/hoovering/tidying properly.
Laundry, start to finish, incl ironing.
Meal planning, supermarket shopping, cooking, and clearing up afterwards.
Making lunches for the DCs (if applicable).
Handling all home admin (bills, car and house insurance, mortgage, etc)
Handling all school-related paperwork and organisation (PE/art/music kit on right day, etc).
Handling all school-related malarkey like dress up/ dress down days, parties the DCs have been invited to (gift/ schlepping), and all activities the DCs are involved in."

This is an ideal opportunity for your older DCs to get involved in doing meaningful work around the house and working as a team. Encourage your H to put his management skills to good use.

mathanxiety · 15/05/2022 00:43

I don't know why 'good communication' should be 'key' unless an H thinks there's a fleet of elves seeing to all the housework.

Blossomtoes · 15/05/2022 11:38

mathanxiety · 15/05/2022 00:41

So I need to be a lot more clear, eg, ‘I’m really tired, I need to go to bed for a few hours this evening’ or, ‘I need you to cook dinner tonight please.’ Anyway. Let’s see!

I wouldn't ask it as a favour on an ad hoc basis or offer any reasons.

Just give him a straight up -
"I know how exhausted I'm going to feel until the baby starts getting a good stretch in the nights. In fact, I fully anticipate it will be even more exhausting than it was ten years ago because I'm not getting any younger, so here's what you need to do while I'm a zombie. Feel free to rope in the older DCs to lend a hand. Three sets of hands are better than one.
Cleaning/hoovering/tidying properly.
Laundry, start to finish, incl ironing.
Meal planning, supermarket shopping, cooking, and clearing up afterwards.
Making lunches for the DCs (if applicable).
Handling all home admin (bills, car and house insurance, mortgage, etc)
Handling all school-related paperwork and organisation (PE/art/music kit on right day, etc).
Handling all school-related malarkey like dress up/ dress down days, parties the DCs have been invited to (gift/ schlepping), and all activities the DCs are involved in."

This is an ideal opportunity for your older DCs to get involved in doing meaningful work around the house and working as a team. Encourage your H to put his management skills to good use.

That’s completely ridiculous. What’s OP going to be doing in the meantime? She’s having a baby, not a heart transplant.

littlepeas · 15/05/2022 11:51

The working parent gets all the sleep argument is bullshit and it amazes me how many women have been brainwashed into believing that this is acceptable.

You both need sleep - sleep is vital for good health. You are responsible for another human during the day and it is dangerous if you can’t function properly due to lack of sleep (especially if driving, etc). You need to find a way where both of you get adequate rest.

littlepeas · 15/05/2022 11:58

We also need to get away from the mindset that men taking care of their own children or home is ‘helping’.

ProclivityForPyrotechnics · 15/05/2022 12:02

Personally I didn't see the point in making DH wake up to pass me the baby I mean that is ridiculous. What's the point in that? I just did the night feeds because he doesn't have boobs and it is ridiculous to wake someone up to change a nappy or to pass me a baby so that needs breastfeeding.

VeryTrying22 · 15/05/2022 12:04

It’s been a few years now but DH and I always split night wakings, he was working after 2 months off together but it didn’t matter, joint baby joint responsibility was his view and I definitely agreed with it.

A rota system worked for us, the shifts were 9 pm - 1 am and 1 am - 5 am. Meant we went to sleep at different times but it worked so well we didn’t mind that part! so one of us always had 4 hours uninterrupted sleep. I’m an early riser so am up at 5 anyway hence it cutting off at 5. Then Saturdays was DHs lie in day, and Sunday was mine (I say lie in, I still woke about 5/6 am but chilled, watched TV etc. while he dealt with DD)

don’t think I’d ever consider being with someone who thought that just because they worked and their partner was at home on mat leave or a SAHM it meant they could check out of sharing the responsibility of their child.

ProclivityForPyrotechnics · 15/05/2022 12:06

@littlepeas yes but if breastfeeding what is the point? Wake him up so he can change a nappy? No thanks.

Also my husband is a judge and he needs to be on point mentally for his job. When I stopped breast feeding he did the last feed at midnight and the first feed at 6 so we both got sleep.

Alwayspaintyournails · 15/05/2022 12:08

mathanxiety · 15/05/2022 00:41

So I need to be a lot more clear, eg, ‘I’m really tired, I need to go to bed for a few hours this evening’ or, ‘I need you to cook dinner tonight please.’ Anyway. Let’s see!

I wouldn't ask it as a favour on an ad hoc basis or offer any reasons.

Just give him a straight up -
"I know how exhausted I'm going to feel until the baby starts getting a good stretch in the nights. In fact, I fully anticipate it will be even more exhausting than it was ten years ago because I'm not getting any younger, so here's what you need to do while I'm a zombie. Feel free to rope in the older DCs to lend a hand. Three sets of hands are better than one.
Cleaning/hoovering/tidying properly.
Laundry, start to finish, incl ironing.
Meal planning, supermarket shopping, cooking, and clearing up afterwards.
Making lunches for the DCs (if applicable).
Handling all home admin (bills, car and house insurance, mortgage, etc)
Handling all school-related paperwork and organisation (PE/art/music kit on right day, etc).
Handling all school-related malarkey like dress up/ dress down days, parties the DCs have been invited to (gift/ schlepping), and all activities the DCs are involved in."

This is an ideal opportunity for your older DCs to get involved in doing meaningful work around the house and working as a team. Encourage your H to put his management skills to good use.

I’m all for splitting the load but this is extreme.

Titsflyingsouth · 15/05/2022 14:39

DH had a long commute so, whilst I was on maternity, I did overnight Sunday to Thursday night, he did Friday and Saturday night. My DS was a bad sleeper as well. I was faring badly after a few weeks. We had no family within 150 miles so eventually we used some cash to pay a local childminder we both trusted to look after DS for 6 hours on a Wednesday so I could go to bed and catch up on sleep. That made it manageable in the short term.

By the time DS reached 3 months he was sleeping much better and usually only waking once in the night for a feed and it became easier.

littlepeas · 15/05/2022 15:08

ProclivityForPyrotechnics · 15/05/2022 12:06

@littlepeas yes but if breastfeeding what is the point? Wake him up so he can change a nappy? No thanks.

Also my husband is a judge and he needs to be on point mentally for his job. When I stopped breast feeding he did the last feed at midnight and the first feed at 6 so we both got sleep.

I breastfed and my dh still got up during the night. He often heard them first and would bring them to me (sitting up) in bed - so I didn’t have to get out and be cold, etc. He would bring the Moses basket mattress into bed with us to keep
it warm and then return mattress and baby after the feed. If you have a baby who will take a bottle a feed can be expressed too.

My dh also has a job with a great deal of responsibility (dealing with many millions on a daily basis) but we still managed to find a way where neither of us were completely exhausted and sleep deprived. Being ‘important’ at work doesn’t mean allowing another human, one you love, to go for possibly months on end being the only one who ever gets up in the night.

Blossomtoes · 15/05/2022 15:49

Being ‘important’ at work doesn’t mean allowing another human, one you love, to go for possibly months on end being the only one who ever gets up in the night.

Depends on the job surely? An occupation in which other people’s lives are at risk definitely gets a free pass in my book. I don’t want to fly in a plane piloted by someone sleep deprived or be operated on by them. I also don’t understand why it takes two people to deal with night wakings, seems bonkers to me.