What is ‘fair’ with a newborn?

[maybein2022]

Currently pregnant with number 3. Big age gap between last child and this one. With both previous babies, DH got very stressed about not sleeping because of his job (not a physical job, not something that involves any kind of responsibility for other peoples lives ie not a doctor, pilot etc and no driving), but stressful. His argument was, because he needed to work, he needed to sleep. I did get that, but both my babies slept appallingly for months and I was literally surviving on very, very minimal sleep. They didn’t sleep well during the day either, so I didn’t get to sleep then. I got on with it, but there was some resentment on both sides, especially when he’d rock up at 10 pm having been ‘very busy’ at work.

This time around, his job is much less stressful than before and he has loads of flexibility over hours/WFH etc which was not an option last time. We are both really excited about the baby, and as the other two are so much older, I won’t be dealing with toddlers etc either. We have also been much better at communicating and I have told him that my worry this time is sleep
or lack of.

So, what’s the Mumsnet view?

YABU: you’re at home, he’s working, you do all the baby’s night wakings and let him sleep through.

YANBU: He should help with some of the night wakings.

Thanks for all the insights. I think we will just have to see how the baby is, and also how feeding goes (planning on combination feeding). I think also we will need to be clear with each other about how we’re feeling, and not play the ‘who is more tired’ games we did last time. 🙄

I will also be having a c section so I definitely will need him to help with some things at first.

It works for us the I do all the night wake ups but in the morning he takes the baby u into he has to start work so that I can have uninterrupted sleep. During newborn fog at weekends he used to take 4yo and baby out in afternoon and I also had a nap then if i had a bad night

Good luck! You might also be lucky and get a sleeper! We did the 'pause' method and DD slept thru from 6- 8 weeks but I have no idea if she'd have done it anyway!

Blimey, that’s ridiculous. Where on Earth’s he going to find the time for that and working too? Crazy.

I never had sleepers but weekdays i did all the wakings. Only time DH would help is if I was really struggling to get them back down.

Even on weekends I did all the wakings as I BF but DH came and got baby 6-7am after morning feed and I slept in till 9am etc.

If you do all the night feeds another way of DH helping is you go to bed at 8pm and he stays up with baby, does the last feed before bed at 10/11pm then brings them up. If he’s quiet enough, you don’t wake and baby sleeps till 1-2am and you have had 5-6hrs sleep already.

It was a joint effort getting dd1 to sleep (which could take hours!) then I did all the nights as I was bf and although a horrendous sleeper she has always been a fan of a lie in. But as pp said DH did a lot of washing, cooking etc so it definitely balanced out.

We did it by him doing the 7-12 shift. Then we'd swap and I'd do 12 onwards as I wasn't at work the next day. It worked really well and I'd go to bed at 7. Only lasted a few months and then night feeds began to drop and baby began sleeping longer.

I did all night wakings as I was breastfeeding and I also didn't see the point in two of us being awake to change a nappy, but DH would take DD first thing in morning, at say 6am or so, and I would go back to bed. He'd also take her after work so I could nap and whenever I needed. So thankfully I never really had any issues with sleep, which is just as well as I'm a horrible person when tired!

During his paternity leave (he took two weeks' paternity and two weeks holiday so he was at home with us for a month) he did all the cooking, cleaning, everything else in the house.

Housework has always, always been shared here. Same with cooking. I think some men think maternity leave is to look after them. If we didn't have kids, DH would be doing his share of housework and cooking etc., so why should his life get easier while mine gets harder?! That would make no sense. Maternity leave/being a SAHP isn't to look after a man in his 30s.

Dh rarely did the middle of the night feed, we got into a good routine of me going to bed at 9pm after the 8pm feed then dh did the midnight feed while I slept and then I got up for the 3/4am feed meaning I got roughly 6hrs of undisrupted sleep most nights as did dh as he got up at 7 am for work,

it worked well for us and Thankfully we had 2 great sleepers

That's absurd

Is he having paternity leave? I'd expect him to do everything then.

After that, I'd expect to split the care for the other kids/house when he's home from work.

Apart from anything else, it's really important your children don't feel like you have just checked out of being their mother.

Thanks again. He is much better when ‘directed.’ So I think what might work best is having a proper routine, ie him knowing that from x time to x time he’s on baby duty. On x nights he cooks dinner and on y nights I do it. Etc.

@Clymene yes he will take a full two weeks paternity leave and possibly a week of holiday added on. It’s a good point about my other children- my 13 year old has said she would like to help a lot, but I don’t want her to ever feel like that’s her job!! She should be enjoying herself as well!

This is almost exactly the setup we had for our two DC. If I got a few solid hours in early I could cope with all the night wakings from then. I just needed to bank about 3-4 good hours and then he'd come to bed and get a longer solid sleep.

@maybein2022 let her help! They love it. My 7 year old is practically raising my 6 month old 🤣

Well if he has no excuse (as you’ve said in your op) then he had no excuse. He is half responsible for the baby existing so should help out as much as he can if he has flexi hours plus wfh.

My husband doesn’t do much night waking as I EBF so there’s not much he can do but will take her in the morning if she wakes too early.

In my experience, some me do freak out once they realise the true extent of what a newborn is like and things can become fractious with all the sleep deprivation. As this is his third time he is aware of what he has gotten into and fingers crossed he will make himself a bit more useful.

We did shifts as well. DH slept 12-6 with me covering that either side he would take. It meant he got uninterrupted sleep for 6 hours and I knew I could get some either side

*men

Gosh that is a huge gap - how lovely! How old is your other one?

I suspect your older children will treat the baby as everyone's - so it's the family's baby.

Which will be great and they can step up and help out with things but I also think it makes my point about you reminding them you're still their mum even more important.

We did shifts with our last baby and it worked amazingly well.
Dh had baby and older DC from 7pm-12am and I would sneak off to bed and watch Tv then get some unbroken sleep. I then did the night waking but DH would do 1 per week if I had a horrible night.

On a friday and Saturday night we swapped shifts so he could get the shorter amount and I got sleep from 12pm onwards.

Wouldnt work if your breast feeding though!

@RibNSaucyArseCrack ah that’s cute! I will let her help as much as she wants, but I just don’t want her to feel like she has to if you know what I mean!

@Clymene my other one will be nearly 10! Big gap.

@Tilltheend99 yep as it’s number 3 and his job is a lot more relaxed this time I’m hoping it goes better than last time.

Like I say, I think the key is going to be being honest with each other, and me not expecting him to know how I am feeling or what I need if I don’t tell him. I think the problem before was I expected him
to understand and pick up on what I needed- and I have realised he is just not
someone who can do that. So I need to be a lot more clear, eg, ‘I’m really tired, I need to go to bed for a few hours this evening’ or, ‘I need you to cook dinner tonight please.’ Anyway. Let’s see!

This

Well I couldn’t vote because your options are too extreme.

I believe the working parent should take over the baby when they get home from work ie from 6ish to 10 or 11 so the parent at home can get some sleep

but the parent at home can nap in the day and isn’t required to be as ‘on it’ as at work so they should then do the rest of the night and let the working parent sleep

at least that’s what we did

my older 2 were 10 and 12 when my 3rd came along. It was so much more relaxed and they adored her and helped with bedtime which I wanted to do every night and I was breast feeding so did night wakings and co-slept a lot. Dh would change nappies in the night if I asked him to. I made things as easy for myself as possible. I cuddled her all evening at first then took her up to bed with me.

I did Monday-Thursday night wakenings solo when DD was tiny, DH took over most weekends unless he was working overtime. He has a very physical job though where he has to be focused or someone's life could be at stake so I didn't mind one bit.
In your situation would it not work for your DH to do the late shift or early morning shift, basically take over after he's home from work and you go to bed for a solid few hours then take over from him. That way your both getting a solid stint of sleep.

Do had a long commute but a sit down job. He woke every night with the baby, brought them to me, I fed, he would wind, change when necessary and out back to bed. He probably didn't wake a handful of times.

your husband needs to stop moaning and accept you are in this together. Do less in the house for him and sit and rest even if you can't sleep.