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AIBU?

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Original poster

Feeling really lonely. Been teary today.

34 replies

EurovisionTragic · 14/05/2022 19:20

Maybe it is the weather as when I came on MN to write this thread, there is already another one saying they are lonely today. It must be the weather.

Today I was actually in tears and I just felt really lonely. Not sure if it is the weather, hormones or indeed my situation.

My DH is away from home travelling for work a hell of a lot. It was so bad before lockdown that I don't know if we would have made it to today if we didn't have that time together. Now the travel is back up again.

So, he has been away a week. Sunday - Sunday. He was at home last week, but the week before he was away Sat - following Sunday. He travels long haul so needs to be over the jet lag before Monday meetings. That said, if he goes somewhere new, he does sneak a few sightseeing days on the end of it.

When my DC were small, I was OK with it as I was really busy and I could take them here there and everywhere. Now they are older and have their own lives and so I spend a lot of time in the night and at the weekends on my own. So all last week, I just stayed in and watched telly. Tonight I am in on my own, watching Euro with a bottle of wine and no one to laugh at the entries with. I just feel sad.

I don't have many friends where I live as I have only been here 18 months. We have moved around with my DH's job quite a lot so my support network is basically non existent. In fact, MN is my support network! We

OP posts:
BowerOfBramble · 14/05/2022 19:23

Really sorry you’re feeling lonely today. I have covid and although I’m lucky enough to have my partner here my friend also has it and is alone. It’s a tough time of year as if you look outside you’d think everyone is having the time of their lives.

can you maybe get in touch with an old friend and “live text”
eurovision? Should give you a few laughs.

Original poster
EurovisionTragic · 14/05/2022 19:25

Pressed too early.

We don't know many people and my DH doesn't feel the need to socialise as he goes out at work quite a lot and travels and so just wants to chill when home.

I have made an effort to build my life. I have a job, hobbies and some friends. Sitting here for the 2nd weekend out of 3 on my own just feels crap and lonely.

Sorry to be a sad sack.

OP posts:
Original poster
EurovisionTragic · 14/05/2022 19:27

It’s a tough time of year as if you look outside you’d think everyone is having the time of their lives.

Yes, I think that is part of it. Everyone seems to be laughing in their gardens and I smell BBQ's. This morning I went into town and everyone was in a good mood walking along with their partners, having breakfast and enjoying the sun and I just felt sad. I spent the day cleaning, washing and ironing.

OP posts:
Hawaymanyoushite · 14/05/2022 19:29

Sounds tough, what do you like doing?
I found in past few years I’ve made some good friends through activities. I had to learn to get over my fear of taking things to the next level and push myself to asking if people wanted to go for coffee, or go for walk etc.
once I’d conquered that then it’s been much easier.

LlamaGiles · 14/05/2022 19:34

Your entire lives revolve around your dh's job and it sounds like that's been the case for many years. Is it military? What is the end point? Are you going to settle where you are now? Personally I could accept either the regular moves or the travelling but not both. Is there an alternative career for dh, he's had the chance to enjoy what he does for some years now effectively at your expense, when do you start getting what you need?

Original poster
EurovisionTragic · 14/05/2022 19:38

Away, I like going on 15k runs. There is not many people want to do that with me.

One of the other things I was going to say before the thread cut me off above, was that lately my DH has also been belittling my choices. Whilst he has constantly travelled, I have been the one looking after the DC on my own with no support network. I work 24 hours a week and my job is alright, but not on his level. According to him he works with loads of women who work FT, have 3 DC at school, run a household, cook fantastic meals, tutor their DC to be in all the top sets, whilst being a size 8 and looking 10 years younger than they are. OK, I have exaggerated here, but TBH this is what he is insinuating. We have moved around so much, including the Middle East where I couldn't work, that I came back here with no references and had to get an unpaid job for 6 months just to get a reference so I could get the job I have now.

Anyway, sitting here feeling sorry for myself.

OP posts:
ZenKaleidoscope · 14/05/2022 19:39

I hear you.

It's so frustrating how long adult friendships take to get deeper/closer.

I feel like I've been working on making more and better connections for years. I have got quite a few friends but I still find myself feeling really down when my husband goes out at short notice as I don't have anyone to invite over spontaneously.

He's out tonight at short notice and I've not decided what to do tonight once kids are in bed. If I don't have a plan then I'll ruin it my moping about, feeling sorry for myself.

CaliforniaDrumming · 14/05/2022 19:40

Can't you be out in the sunshine on your own? My DH works long hours and I go for walks, shows and exhibitions on my own quite often. I also eat in nice restaurants or cafes on my own. I enjoy it. Better than being in doing the washing or cleaning.
Or how about finding a local walking or sports group?

Original poster
EurovisionTragic · 14/05/2022 19:41

I'm sorry Zen.

Loneliness is an awful feeling. I hate it.

OP posts:
MissyB1 · 14/05/2022 19:41

I am like you, not great on my own. The nice weather does seem to accentuate it. A week could seem very long if you don’t have any friends nearby to meet up with.
Are you working? I would join some exercise classes and look for local clubs to meet people.

ZenKaleidoscope · 14/05/2022 19:41

Ah so it's not just your social life that's taken a hit for his career it's also your work life.

It seems like you feel really undervalued by your DH. Have you spoke to him about this?

CaliforniaDrumming · 14/05/2022 19:42

Oh I have also moved around a lot including overseas and DH travels too. Being a trailing spouse is hard but I am not going to wait around for DH to be there. Join a club or a course or a group.

Original poster
EurovisionTragic · 14/05/2022 19:47

Yep it is hard being a trailing spouse. When DC were young it was easier to meet up with people all the time and fill the hours with fun stuff.

I think I have made a massive effort including getting a job, I have done loads of courses, made new friends (although early stages) and going the gym a lot. Maybe I need to move this up to the next level.

OP posts:
7eleven · 14/05/2022 19:50

I’m feeling lonely today as well. My husband is at work most of the time. Thinking about just going to bed!

JustMeAndAria · 14/05/2022 19:52

Sound like me too. Lots of tears today. Its my birthday and despite the effort
I put into others special day my day has done nothing but remind me of how unimportant I am to everyone. :(

CaliforniaDrumming · 14/05/2022 19:53

Sorry I missed the second half of your post! Where you clarify. I see you have done a lot. It is quite hard when the kids grow up and have their own lives. You lose a lot of mom friends as well. There is a gaping hole that ordinarily would be filled with quality time with your DH. Would he consider changing jobs?

Hawaymanyoushite · 14/05/2022 19:54

OP it sounds like you’re lonely but theirs also more going on for you with your DH.
It maybe an idea to do explore how you start centring yourself in your life as it does seem heavily weighted towards your husband.
There is nothing worse than feeling like everyone is out enjoying themselves when you’re not 💐

CaliforniaDrumming · 14/05/2022 19:59

I am on my 6th country now as a partly working, partly trailing spouse. I have got used to it and have my own life and interests. I have a creative interest which takes up a lot of my time and mental space, so much so that I am often mentally absent at home! ( which is fine now DC are grown).

There is a power imbalance between the spouses for sure in this kind of marriage. Each spouse always thinks the other has it easier, when the truth is: both have it very hard. I didn't really anticipate this because when I married, DH did not have a mobile job.

That said, I would not be happy if my spouse insinuated that I should be a size 8 and cook fantastic meals.

Landlubber2019 · 14/05/2022 20:01

@EurovisionTragic our local running club has a very active social element to it if you enjoying running. Just an idea x

CaliforniaDrumming · 14/05/2022 20:02

JustMeAndAria · 14/05/2022 19:52

Sound like me too. Lots of tears today. Its my birthday and despite the effort
I put into others special day my day has done nothing but remind me of how unimportant I am to everyone. :(

Sorry to hear this. Do not put up with this. Let your family know that you want treat-need not be expensive- and take yourself out by yourself tomorrow ( if you can).

Original poster
EurovisionTragic · 14/05/2022 20:08

I'm sorry JustMe.

WE here on MN care about you and what happens to you. You are not unimportant.

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Persephoned · 14/05/2022 20:08

Posts like this make me feel sick. I have a tenth of what you have - no children, no spouse. I make an effort with volunteering - often park run, things that make me interact.

I don’t think comparison competitions work, and I’m definitely not trying to devalue how you feel, but to me your life sounds very full. I would agree you could carve out some time for yourself though, if I asked ‘what would you like to do with a free Saturday morning?’ What would you say?

Undecidedandtorn · 14/05/2022 20:11

Are there any social groups you could join? I live in London so appreciate its probably easier for me but I've joined a few Facebook social groups and have started to make friends that way.

bloodywhitecat · 14/05/2022 20:11

Loneliness is horrible but it sounds like your DH enjoys keeping you 'in your place' and that must make things even harder. It sounds like you have put your own life on the back burner to support him but he doesn't support you in return.

NamechangeFML · 14/05/2022 20:12

Happy birthday @JustMeAndAria !
go and order yourself a lovely takeaway and rent a good film Facemask and bath.