“Friend” Sabotaged my crush - and I didn’t realise until years later

[ShuffleShuffleSpin]

Over 10 years ago while I was a student, a boy and I liked each other. We were drawn to each other and things were still in a delicate stage, but the mutual attraction was very strong.

I had a jealous roommate who thought that boy was cute. (She told me so). She was jealous of many people, and she often tried to start arguments.

One evening, my roommate came up to my room around 8/9pm while I was in my pjs. She said something very vague and confusing about how someone downstairs in our dorm was saying our group of friends should get to know theirs. I asked who and she said “I will tell you later”. She gave me a talk about how she thought we should just concentrate on spending time with our own friends. It was all so vague I had no way to know what she really meant, but I had a strange, sinking feeling. When she came back up she said “there, I think he understands”. I wondered who she meant - I asked - I wondered if it was the boy. She would not tell me.

The next morning I learned (from a real / honest friend) that boy had his friends had invited all of us out. She asked “why didn’t you go?” And i explained I didn’t even know about it.

After that, the boy stopped seeking me out. Rushed by me in the hallway. I wasn’t sure why. What had happened? I was young, naive and trusting. We had such chemistry. I always thought we would reconnect, but we never did.

I hadn’t thought of this in years, but it came back to me recently. All I had remembered was how much I had liked that boy, and I always wondered why we faded away from each other - I forgot about the friend - now, looking back in maturity, I know my roommate must have sabotaged the relationship. I have no doubt. Back then I didn’t really believe people could be so unkind, but now I know better. She misrepresented me completely and it was so unfair. I would have loved to go, to get to know that boy better. It’s so wrong of her.

I now have clarity. I don’t feel closure though. I hate that I was misrepresented and the guy was obviously hurt by what was said judging from what I remember about how he responded when he next saw me. This sad story bothers me. Would I be unreasonable to contact some of my old friends to try to gain closure? I feel most people wouldn’t be so bothered.

if he was that easily put off, and accepted what your friend said over what he actually knew of you, he didn’t like you that much.

yes it’s shit, but move on.

I mean this in a kind way - just leave it.

Crikey I thought you were going to say that ten years later, you found out that she got him to dump you through lying about something, he refused to talk about it at the time and you only just discovered the reason.
What she (probably) did may have been wrong but she did not sabotage a relationship. You found out the next day that his pal spoke to your pal... and you could have contacted him yourself at any time. What's going on in your life now that this has resurfaced?

This was barely worth headspace at the time, far less ten years on, OP. If he was really keen on you he wouldn’t have been put off by some vague barriers put up by a roommate, and if you’d really liked him, you’d have sought him out afterwards, asked him what actually happened and suggested you both went out with all your friends, rather than vaguely hoping you’d ‘reconnect’.

Honestly, OP, we all have dozens of this kind of ‘tentative teenage romance that never happened because of evil housemate/missed bus/ phone message never passed on (pre-mobiles).

Forget it OP. If he was The One, he'd hardly have been put off by a silly friend of yours. He could have just messaged you before dropping by or after to find out what was wrong. He sounds a bit silly himself.

It was ten years ago and clearly he was put off easily don't dwell ,on it
There are were a lot of tentative flirtation, s that never got off the ground for one reason or another ,in my single past but there is know point on dwelling on these things

It is not unreasonable to want to do this or to feel upset. But if she is a nasty person (instead of an unwise teenager) she may enjoy knowing it upset you.

It’s a bit mad to still be dwelling on this

If this was meant to be then the two of you could have communicated and moved past it.
He handled a small disappointment by ignoring you for ever which really isn't a good sign.
Your room mate sounds like hard work but I'm assuming you're no longer friends so it's time to move on I think.

I said YABU but only because you sound like a 12 year old.

I know how it feels. I once had to leave an event where a member of my fave band of the time was doing a DJ set because a friend was 'ill'. She admitted to me years later that she had faked it because she'd heard him saying to a mate that he recognised me from gigs and fancied me and said he was going to ask me out. She really liked him and had posters of him everywhere. She was like 16 or something at the time.

But we're adults now.

Let it go, OP.

She was shagging him.

If you liked him why didn't you approach him?

I’d leave it but totally get where you’re coming from.
I had a “best friend” throughout secondary school. We fell out soon after. She always had lots of attention and I felt the ugly one. She knew about my insecurities and did some pretty nasty stuff looking back but I let it go at the time.
about 10 years later I bumped into a guy I knew from school and he said I guess you knew I had a crush on you at school, as he said he had told my best friend. I had no idea!
it all sounds so silly, I know, but knowing that at the time would’ve done wonders for my self confidence (I know it shouldn’t be based on getting attention from boys!!!) and maybe I would’ve stopped beating myself up about how gross I thought I was, as I thought no would think twice about me.
its always stuck with me as I thought why couldn’t my friend help build me up when I always had her back… but I guess there’s a reason we’re no longer friends!!
some people can just be a bit crap!

Christ, it was over 10 years ago.

Let it go, if he was that interested he would've made more of an effort anyway and I suspect you might have too.

many of your replies are really helping me. Thank you. As to why this is coming up from me - I had a very conservative upbringing - and I’ve started doing some research on the beliefs and rules I grew up with, which caused me to reflect on my past.

because I was so conservative and immature at the time this happened, I didn’t have the words or boldness to approach the guy to try to set the record straight. I was taught women shouldn’t take the lead and that caused me to hold back.

it’s helpful to hear other peoples thoughts. For a while I had thought this guy was “the one” in my late teens / early 20s. I know it’s crazy to be bothered by it now. Super helpful for me to categorise it as a teen / early 20s tentative romance that didn’t come to pass. Good point that if it was really meant to be he wouldn’t have moved on like that. We had ways of contacting each other. I could have emailed him but didn’t. I also struggled to “place blame” on my friend and make her look bad - so that kept me from communicating too. Now I would probably be more able to point out manipulation. For whatever reason, I never fully got over this. Maybe it represented a fairytale of sorts. Like you say, I need to leave it in the past and let go. Talking to old friends about it would seem silly. And as someone pointed out, the old roommate would probably be happy to have upset me. (And yes we are no longer friends. I got tired of her drama).

I mean, just let it go, OP. You still sound very immature if this is bothering 10 years on. Please don’t contact your old friends, they'll think you're unhinged.

I think if u contacted old friends looking for closure on this - you would be setting yourself up to fail !
how are they going to give you closure ?
validate what might have been ?
that the roommate did sabotage ?
what ??
interesting memory, that is just that, a memory not a problem to resolve.

Who knows what she said to him.. however IF you had gone and apologised and explained there was a misunderstanding/miscommunication, likely you would have found out what she'd said and been able to refute it.

So I think some of the fault here lies with you.

It’s all a bit Judy Blume.

Christ. Wish my life was this simple.

Seriously. Let it go! Hardly worth the effort to type about it, never mind give it headspace. ps your old friends will literally think what the fuck is she on about if you contact them. TEN years on!

I mean this kindly, stop reflecting and get on with your life. I could post a lot more about so many of your points but it's not helpful to you. stop dwelling amd move on.

Maybe it’s worth concentrating on self esteem and confidence. I have been there still kind of friends with mine who sabotaged but I know to keep her at arms length. She was obviously jealous for a reason. When your that young communication is sometimes a struggle maybe that’s where you and him both failed.

If you contact your old friends they are going to think you're mad as pants to ask them about this after 10 years.
Yes it sounds like your friend was a crazy manipulative scary so and so.
Most of us have memories like this but you need to let it go.

Whilst your feelings are justified and completely understandable, it would come across as a little weird to contact people about it now.

C

Clearly you should avoid this bitchy woman though.