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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not have sex with my partner?

34 replies

Nicolelinda96 · 14/05/2022 14:01

Hi guys. I'm currently 37+6 pregnant, having a planned c section at 39+2. We has sex regularly throughout the later first and second trimester, and less during the early 3rd. But now my sex drive has completely died. I'm just not bothered and would rather kiss and cuddle. But I'm worried that my partner is getting sick of it now. Its probably been about 3 weeks. I feel like I should just get on with it, but the problem is that initiating always down to me, which makes it more difficult to gauge what he wants to do. Anyone else feel this way?

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 14/05/2022 14:06

If he doesn’t ever initiate it what makes you think he’s bothered by you nit doing it? That’s a lot of pressure on you. What’s he said or are you imagining how he might be feeling?

Georgeskitchen · 14/05/2022 14:06

yanbu, at 37 weeks I wouldn't want be getting jiggy jiggy in any way shape or form. Your DP better get used to it because he won't be getting any for a minimum of 6 weeks after the baby comes!!

Thepeopleversuswork · 14/05/2022 14:11

YANBU.

At this stage in a pregnancy the baby’s and your health and well-being is paramount.

There is nothing wrong with having sex if you feel like it but it should not be a priority just because you feel you should do it. And if your partner isn’t initiating it or pressing you on it he clearly feels the same.

Why are you thinking this is a priority?

Original poster
Nicolelinda96 · 14/05/2022 14:15

I have a lot of anxiety in general and I'm definitely a people pleaser. I also keep questioning myself by going "well I do masturbate on occasion", "maybe if I just did it I'd enjoy it" etc etc. It's hard because he doesn't seem to mind but it's hard to figure him out sometimes even after 3.5 years together.

OP posts:
Gymnopedie · 14/05/2022 14:23

Nicolelinda96 · 14/05/2022 14:15

I have a lot of anxiety in general and I'm definitely a people pleaser. I also keep questioning myself by going "well I do masturbate on occasion", "maybe if I just did it I'd enjoy it" etc etc. It's hard because he doesn't seem to mind but it's hard to figure him out sometimes even after 3.5 years together.

Talk to him? Ask him? He's the only person who knows how he's feeling. But then use it as the basis for discussion, don't (as a people pleaser) believe you then have to do whatever he wants.

WallaceinAnderland · 14/05/2022 14:26

I think you are looking for problems that don't exist.

IKnewPrufrockBeforeHeGotFamous · 14/05/2022 14:28

Do you not, er, communicate with your partner?

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/05/2022 14:29

You do need to talk to him. But I’d be annoyed at always having to initiate it. Has that always been the way or is he trying to be sensitive due to your pregnancy and leaving it up to you with no pressure?

spotcheck · 14/05/2022 14:31

I feel like I should just get on with it
I voted yabu because if that. No, you don't need to 'get on with it'. And talk to him, TELL HIM you don't feel like it.

Original poster
Nicolelinda96 · 14/05/2022 14:31

Well he doesn't initiate but he sometimes thrusts against me while we're cuddling or slaps my bum. although he hasn't done this in a while. It's never really clear when he wants sex though. I initiate and we end up doing it. It does feel like a lot of pressure on me tbf.

OP posts:
frogleap · 14/05/2022 14:33

If you are in a healthy relationship you should be able to talk openly and honestly with your partner about this.

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/05/2022 14:34

frogleap · 14/05/2022 14:33

If you are in a healthy relationship you should be able to talk openly and honestly with your partner about this.

Indeed.

OP, you’re having a baby with the man. You must be able to communicate with him?

grapewines · 14/05/2022 14:38

Nicolelinda96 · 14/05/2022 14:31

Well he doesn't initiate but he sometimes thrusts against me while we're cuddling or slaps my bum. although he hasn't done this in a while. It's never really clear when he wants sex though. I initiate and we end up doing it. It does feel like a lot of pressure on me tbf.

If he doesn't initiate or pester, then what's the problem? Sounds like this is all in your head. Stop worrying but have a conversation with him.

BlueBeeSpots · 14/05/2022 14:40

If he’s up for it then he can initiate it! Shouldn’t have to always be down to you

MyHusbandTheIdiot · 14/05/2022 14:48

If it makes you feel better I didn’t have sex with my DH for two years between the end of the 1st trimester and until my youngest was about 18 months old…. He survived 🤷🏼‍♀️

Irishfarmer · 14/05/2022 15:06

If he isn't looking for it I would think he doesn't want it, he might think you do. My DH has been too freaked out to have sex pretty much since I found out I'm pregnant, and I don't really want to so! We talked about it and all is good there.

Confusion101 · 14/05/2022 15:08

Agree with @grapewines ... If its annoying you that much just tell him you are so tired and can't initiate it. If then knows if he wants it he can initiate it. You know if he doesn't initiate it he doesn't want it and you don't feel the guilt.

Original poster
Nicolelinda96 · 14/05/2022 15:11

Yeah it'd be better if he made it clear, then I'd know where I stand. And I know i need to bite the bullet and just talk to him. Otherwise, we have a very healthy relationship. Communication could evidently be better, and this is down to me too. Even though we have had difficult/intimate conversations before, I still sometimes find it hard to not worry about the outcome of them. Perhaps it my pregnancy hormones too haha.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 14/05/2022 15:20

You could make it clear. Communication has to be a two way street.

Nanny0gg · 14/05/2022 15:22

Nicolelinda96 · 14/05/2022 14:15

I have a lot of anxiety in general and I'm definitely a people pleaser. I also keep questioning myself by going "well I do masturbate on occasion", "maybe if I just did it I'd enjoy it" etc etc. It's hard because he doesn't seem to mind but it's hard to figure him out sometimes even after 3.5 years together.

Why can't you actually talk about it?

WombatNo12 · 14/05/2022 15:26

You need to be talking to him now because it only gets harder as you get older, eg menopause, ED, illnesses, all sorts of things that can affect intimacy and need pragmatic discussion.

Blarting · 14/05/2022 15:29

Is this not the sort of thing that needs a discussion? You're having a child together, why can't you talk?

BadNomad · 14/05/2022 15:31

That's bonkers. If he's not looking for sex, why are you trying to force yourself to have sex? For all you know, he's only going along with it because he thinks you want it. You both might be happy without sex right now.

BalloonsAndWhistles · 14/05/2022 15:35

Your body, Your choice. That’s enough. If he loves and respects you enough then that will be fine by him. I remember when I was pregnant, my sex drive faded rapidly after 30 weeks. I was tired, felt unsexy and also I was worried about hurting the baby (I know now that’s unlikely but I was only 21 at the time!)

mnnewbie111 · 14/05/2022 15:45

Crikey, I didn't bother for the last 3 months. If they're not dick heads they really don't care