Ask women/parents who's dh work away.

[Macbeth8]

Hello

My dh will be working away for a 17 week training course. This factors in most weekends which I dont get but im dreading it
We have 3 children, a teen, a 4 year old and an 18 month old..
I really dont know how I am going to cope..he does often work away but thats 'here and there'
This is a 17 week stint.
Does anyone else have a similar situation? Please can you advise how you cope, any tips etc.
I think its the fact he wont be coming back every weekend thats killing me. From a mareiage point of view, how do you keep the marriage alive?
And then him being a father..the children are young. Would they forget him possibly?

That's a long time but people cope for a lot longer than that

You have a teen so that's good

What help do you have locally?

The children won't forget him

How old is your teen? Can they help with some chores or babysitting while you get one with some stuff?
My husband died when my kids were small, but before that he also worked away 120 nights a year. I had his teen son and my two little ones at home. The teen pretty much took care of himself. The other two were exhausting but I already did the majority of parenting anyway.
Maybe a cleaner would help?

It’s bliss. Enjoy it

I'm a military wife so my DH does long stints away.

We have a two year old DS. We FaceTime when we can. I plan to meet with friends and always have something planned for weekend. I work three days a week. I generally have a project on in the evening to help keep me occupied.

It's shit at times I'm not going to lie. Especially when DS is poorly or up in the night. But manageable.

That sounds really tough. Definitely a cleaner, takeaways and ready meals, lunch at cafes some days, activities where the kids are entertained, call in as much help as you can. Obviously some of this depends on your finances.

Tell him you're worried, see what can he do/suggest to help, get him thinking, solving it together can help. How does he feel about all of it? Is he exited about the break or worried about missing you and the kids. How it will affect your marriage really depends on that.

Can he not come back at the weekends? At least some of them?

I’m a lone parent so this is my life all the time, you will cope because you have to. Surely the teen can help in some ways?

Having experienced this situation myself while living abroad I would say some key things are:

(a) Own it as your own! So don't try and follow the same routine you have when your husband is around but develop a routine that suits YOU! Be a bit selfish! Stuff it! You're the one left at home coping so you are perfectly entitled to let cleaning standards slide a bit (actually mine go up when DH is away BC he makes so much mess!) , relax a few rules, eat easier meals with more pre-pared elements in them, eat the food you like, and just generally take it a bit slower. And give yourself a few rewards. Book a baby sitter to give yourself a break for a couple of hours on a Saturday or Sunday afternoon. Maybe get a babysitter for the young ones and go out with the teen one evening? Or you and the teen could choose a Netflix series you like to bond together in the evenings.

(b) Equally have set events to go to at weekends that you will enjoy. At least with the little ones. Do something that ignites your interest. Maybe ask a friend to come along.

(c) Get support. It may be too late for this time but it's ESSENTIAL that you build up a small portfolio of mothers' helps, helpful responsible teens, older women who are willing to help, fellow school mothers, you can turn to (i) in a crisis (ii) when your DH will be away. Some will be paid and for others you can reciprocate when their spouses are away. Let your dc build up good relationships with them in advance.

(d) maintain a bit of control over when your DH Facetimes etc. Mine always wanted to ring when we were having dinner and it upset the DC and put me out of my routine so, although it sounds harsh, I negotiated that he would ring less often but at a better time at weekends and that was much better for everyone (except him probably but I was doing my best)

From my experience you start off dreading it, and end up quite liking it and get used to it!

How old is your teen btw? Are they amenable to helping out? My teens are more helpful when my DH disappears and we have more of an opportunity to have nice chats. Could you "recruit" your teen as your second in command (maybe even for a reward of some sort when your DH is back)?

I did it.

I moved to England (I'm American) to marry my English boyfriend in 1995. I had a four-year-old son from a previous relationship and in 1997, we had our own son.

A month after our baby's birth, he began a job that had him working away in Germany and France, Monday through Friday every single week. Throw in a few months where he worked continuously without returning home for a few full months. In 2001, I had another baby.

This set up lasted from October 1997-January 2002. We generally saw each other 72 days a year. In 2000, we only saw each other 60 days so that makes our 2001 baby even more miraculous! 😂

We moved to the US in 2004 and he had yet another job that had him leaving us for weeks at a time and at a moment's notice until 2017. I was back in the US but hundreds of miles from my nearest family.

Looking back, despite my being hundreds and thousands of miles from my family and my husband during our years together, it forced me to be quite resilient. Remember that technology wasn't as great then as it is now! I didn't have much of a choice in the matter, his job was his job. It needed to be done. I know that these aren't words of wisdom but just getting on with it is the only thing I can advise.

I'll admit that some days were better than others. What truly helped me was that he was "present" when he was with us. I know it doesn't seem like a big deal but trust me, it was.

Funnily enough, my husband has been working from home every single day since 2017 and for the foreseeable future. It's driving me slightly nuts. 😝

Anyhow, OP, I know those many weeks will suck but they won't be forever.

Some people love and enjoy their partners being around, you do realise that?

My exH is military.
We went through numerous deployments during our marriage - anything up to 7 months at a time. We have 3 DCs.
In all honesty, I found the idea of flying solo worse than the reality. You find your own routine with the DCs that works for you. The first week of them being away is hard because it throws the DCs out of whack - upset because they miss their daddy. Then things start to feel normal. Then the week before they come home is really hard because you know it’s the home stretch and you start to crave the extra pair of hands more than ever because you know the end is so close!! Kids usually go a bit apeshit around the final week too because they excited he’s coming home!
You’ll find your way I promise. The hardest one for me was when ExH went to Iraq when DC2 was about 2 weeks old. It was a 6 month deployment, I had a newborn and a 17 month old and lived away from family. I figured if I can make it through that, I can do anything!

Get your own routine going, and don’t fear it. See it as a challenge, because it’s going to happen anyway.

What can he contribute to ease the pressure? Arrange babysitter? Organise a cleaner? What ever makes your life easier - suggest it! Think of it as an overtime bonus.

Another Army wife. He only comes home for weekends/leave now (so we have a stable base for the DDs education, the moving schools every 18months/2years became untenable as they got older)

Communication is a key thing. Anything that would be normal chatter that effects both of us gets done by WhatsApp for example. We have calenders that we sync every week with kids stuff, work stuff etc. I have a group chat with him and his parents for his family matters, because I'm sometimes the one that needs to know about his brothers situation for example.

We have both family video calls and adult only ones.

DDs can send him messages themselves too.

Practically speaking... you have to be careful not to overschedule yourself, especially with kids activities.

When he is home... its normal life. Not Fun Dad. Fair share of discipline and fun.

As someone else said... the idea is worse than the reality. In reality, you just get on with it.

@Blarting yes I do obviously but it is lovely to spend some time alone. You do realise that some people love having the remote to themselves don’t you?!!

For 17 weeks?

That's a lot of remote time and a lot of time without your partner, with all the benefits.

I get a weekend, but not 17 weeks!

You will find your own routine. The idea of coping by yourself is much worse than actually doing it, and you realise that you are much more resilient than you think! Cut corners where you can to get a few minutes here and there by yourself - for me this was sticking the ipad on more, more TV, more treats. Keep yourself busy. If you have family/friends around who can help, accept what is offered and ask if you need it. The first week or so is hard as you adjust, then the last week is difficult as it's the final countdown.

I forgot my mum when she went away for 6 weeks when I was about 1, but nowadays with video calls I reckon you’ll be fine on that issue:

We are a military family, dh is often gone half a year at a go.
We make sure to email regular, and call when we can.
You really need to make sure you have your own routine when they are away, rather than waiting around for them.
Also, making sure to cut each other slack when you reunite, it can be hard to transition back to being around each other again.

I am currently in U.K. with the DC and my DH is working in Asia. We meet up school holidays. Timing is indefinite. Lots of good advice already but I have also found that establishing a tribe of other parents through swapping favours/ lifts etc. makes things easier. dc call him every day on the way to school ( he blocks diary) and then I call him evening time Asia. Longer calls at the weekend. One trying I would say is that you need to balance doing what works for you with not making big decisions unilaterally and cutting him out. I make sure DH is still involved in school stuff in particular

You will be fine and you will cope simply because you will have to. The first two or three will be hard but then you will get into a routine and so will the children.

There are pros and cons to it:
Pros such as being the sole decision maker & not having someone saying "i wouldn't do it it like that or you should've done it like this " etc etc

The cons being with three children you physically cannot be in two different places at the same time for activities/ birthday parties / school events etc etc

Overall I quite like it.

a It is not about wanting or not wanting your DP around

Thanks for all the responses. Very good advice
My main concern is keeping the marriage alive- wouldnt you just get used to the other not being there? I sorry if he just gets used to being a "single man living a single life"

How far away is he going?

What is the reason that he cannot come home at all?

I understand an army posting etc.

Hi op. Mine has always been away. First when in the military, then afterwards and currently in the Middle East.
I just got on with it in the same way that a single parent would really.
I made all the decisions regarding the kids and the home etc.
I can't say that I found any of it hard, even when giving birth when he was thousands of miles away and the baby was three months old before they met.
You have to stand on your own two feet really, you're not always going to make the right decision but no decision is guaranteed to be the right one even if it's a joint one.
He comes home every four months for two weeks, we often go on holiday then so he jokes that he doesn't even know what our home looks like.
We've been married forty years and me and the kids have never known any other life.
However, that's not to say it's a lifestyle that would suit everyone. I think a lot of it depends on how mentally strong someone is. An indecisive person, or someone who crumbles at the smallest thing will struggle.
In your case, I think you will be fine as it's only for 17 weeks.

Why is he saying he won't come home for every weekend? That's not on at all, he doesn't get to go off on a jolly leaving you to cover all the home bases alone - he can jolly well travel home every single weekend!

Forgot to say that we don't do email or facetime etc. Mainly because back in the day, the internet hadn't been invented, so we never bothered with it when it was for communication.
He always phones home every Monday evening instead for 30 mins or so though and phones the kids and grandkids on their birthdays.