AIBU to have a third baby?

[Whatswiththesmalltalk]

Dh and I had children young. Dd is 13 and ds is 9. Financially we are pretty secure, although we only have 3 bedrooms so would need to extend for a third as the other two are too old to share. I have just completed a course to get back into work after being a SAHM for most of their childhood. I know realistically I should just move on, get back into work and be happy with what we have but I just can't shake the feeling of wanting a third child. I feel quite tearful when I think of never having a baby or young child to care for again.

Anyone else had a third after a long age gap?

Move on from your broodiness by getting a cat or a puppy! Seriously, do you want to have to navigate both toddlers and teenagers at the same time? Nobody wins!

If you want a baby, have a baby, you don’t need our permission. Babies are awesome 😍

There are multiple threads on here from various posters, one pops up every week virtually. 'Shall I have a 3rd child?' NOBODY can answer that question for you.

Some people say it's wonderful and their family is 'complete now,' but more people say it was a bad decision and it's upset the equilibrium and made everything in their life awkward, and they and their family are less content now.

Some people have had the 3rd child at 40+ (when the last child born was when they're were in their mid-late 20s, and is about 11-12 now.) And some people have had a child who has special needs, and it's affected the relationship with the other 2 children. And dealing with a small/young SN child - in addition to a pre-teen and a teenager, has often upended their marriage too.

I would never have had a third child, but it was never for financial reasons. Too many negatives IMO.

I also had mine very young (20 for first baby), they are now 6 and 10. Sometimes I yearn for another pregnancy and a tiny baby but then I remember how relatively easy life is now, I am 30 and they are both at school, holidays/outings/leaving the house is far easier and they enjoy staying at grandparents etc for sleepovers now they are older so me and DH get a lot of time to do child-free things. I think I’d be silly to go back to square 1 when my 20s was spent in the baby/toddler stage. If I wanted 3 children then I should have done it whilst they were smaller IMO.

On the flip side my grandmother had a third when her eldest 2 were 8 and 10 and always said how wonderful it was, that she was really able to enjoy the baby unlike when she had 2 under 2 and it really completed the family.

The first response on this thread from @IglesiasPiggl is WAY more sensible than the second post from @Neverreturntoathread 'have another baby - babies are awesome.' 'kinell! I don't even know where to start with that one!

OP, will send you a PM.

I wouldn’t, enjoy your life, get back into work etc, celebrate your current children and remember in 15-20 years you might have a grandchild to help with.

Thanks everyone I really appreciate it. Puppy/ cat definitely isn't for me but I wish it were that simple!
I'm not even sure if I want someone to talk me into it or out of it at the minute.
Lonelygirl15 it sounds like we had children at similar ages, I feel exactly the same too in some ways but can't seem to shake this feeling.

I’m on the fence about a third. DH and I had DD1 young and DD2 6.5 years later. DD2 is now 19m and a real handful. I don’t want a big gap between 2 and 3 because I want to be able to enjoy being an adult at some point. We lost our 20s to being parents (wouldn’t change a thing!) so we’d like to enjoy our 40s-50s without young children. 30 is my last year I’d be willing to get pregnant if we decide on a third.

I feel quite tearful when I think of never having a baby or young child to care for again

This is the bit that stands out for me. If you do have a third, will you feel like that about a fourth? Fifth? Sixth?

How does your partner feel about a third?

BeingATwatItsABingThing Dh feels similarly to me about it, that we would love a third but the timing just isn't great. I think in hindsight we should have had one years ago but the timing wasn't great then either as dh worked abroad a lot.
I have thought about the feeling of wanting a fourth or fifth and I honestly can't say I'm sure how I'd feel as I wasn't expecting to want a third all these years later.

I wonder if you are actually scared about going back to work? Having a baby is something that you are familiar with and going to work is stepping into the unknown.

No real advice, but mine are 20 and 15 and I'm 11 weeks pg.....planned.

I was you iyswim . We had a third. Really pleased we did but permanently broke and it wrecked my career and most food / everything still comes in multiples of 4🙃. . Would do the same again, I felt the same as you. That feeling left after baby 3. Good luck with your decision

Have sent you a PM OP. X

Also factor in that planning for 3 could turn out to be 4 for example which is a bigger shift. These things happen

I know you say you’re currently financially pretty secure. But without wanting to sound condescending, will you be financially secure if you have another baby? How much will the extension be? The cost of building work is astronomical atm and presumably it would be a two storey one. I have a friend who’s paying £70k just for the build on a relatively small one storey kitchen extension. Will you need a new car for three children and can you afford that? Have you kept all your baby stuff or will you need a new buggy/car seats etc? Car seats in particular have changed a LOT in the past 9 years. If you have another child will the cost of your course be wasted, if you decide to be an SAHM for another 9/13 years?

MissChanandlerBong80 yes I think the extension would be affordable but obviously the upheaval of having one done would be a bigger issue. We already have a 7 seater car so that wouldn't be an issue. I would have to buy baby things again but I'm more concerned about the emotional upheaval for my older children, although I do think they would love having a younger sibling I do worry about the idea of having a baby whils dd is going through exams etc. Lots to think about. Thanks everyone.

I think everyone’s sad to think they will never have a baby again- but to actually raise another child again- no!!!
To have to take an older child to a trampoline park whilst a toddler screams in the buggy because they can’t go on anything- dragging a moody teenager to a playground they grew out of years ago because your toddler needs exercise. Helping you eldest go through GCSEs whilst reading phonics again- nope. Your older children inevitably ending up supervising your baby at times- nope!
imo ignore your bodies signals deceiving you to want to have another baby. Enjoy the new phase of life

I wouldn't.
I would stop at 2.

Personally I wouldn’t inflict a baby on the older children as they’re facing those difficult teenage years.

My step sons were 12 and 14 when my kids came along and the real problem was holidays - something that would engage them all was difficult. And stroppy teens and toddler tantrums can be a big headache.
Don't count on your teen for helping out much either.

I wouldn’t in your position personally

From reading a million of these ‘should I have a third’ threads on here I’d say don’t ask the opinion of mumsnet. You’ll get every response from ‘it’s amazing’ to ‘I deeply regret it’ and everything in between. Nobody knows if it’s a good idea but you.

FWIW I’m having a surprise 3rd at 40. I’ll know whether it’s a good idea later this year!

1000% agree with this. Good points from @OnlyFoolsnMothers as well.

What do you feel is missing in your life that can't be fulfilled elsewhere - by going back to work for example?

Why would you want to put yourself through the horrors and expense of three teenagers, not to mention GCSEs, A levels, UCAS and financial support through university x 3?

Can I suggest you read through some of the education threads - specifically secondary, further education and Higher education.

remember in 15-20 years you might have a grandchild to help with.

She's to think about this instead of a third baby when she gets weepy?

This must be how nightmare mils are born.