To ask if you've ever setup a calm down corner and what worked?

[Muststopeating]

Help!

My 3.5 year old DS's constant meltdowns are going to be the end of me (and aren't making him feel good either).

I may put up another post for general parenting advice but for now I'd like to setup a calm down corner for him. (I always offer a cuddle when he's ready or try sniff the cake/blow out the candles, but often it takes him a while to be ready).

Has anyone ever done this with any success and is there anything that's worked particularly well?

I am going to put one of our beanbags in a quiet corner where neither of his sisters can bother him. Certain music can sometimes calm him down so will setup the yoto in that corner. We also have a fidget popper thing. And I plan to make one of those glitter calm down bottles.

Only other things I can think of are some sort of stress ball and/or possibly a weighted blanket (he likes to snuggle and definitely prefers our cosier and thus heavier blanket).

To the best of my knowledge he is NT. He is both very sensitive and extremely stubborn.

If you've had a calm down toy/tool that's worked really well then please help!

I have a makeshift one in my classroom. I have a teepee tent that closes so it's dark (this depends on what your child likes) with a lava lamp kind of thing. Outside the tent on some foam mats I have a cushions and a shelf with a couple of boxes (Tupperware cartons) with some sensory items like rice , lentils and kinetic sand. Some children can like audio books or the beanbag for some deep pressure.

Have you considered that he may be neuro diverse and are you getting help?
It isnt typical for a 3.5 year old.

I’d put the bean bag in a tent/make shift den. Some children like sensory light toys, weighted blanket (no more than 10% of his body weight) or a Lycra body sock, stress ball is good too but also a box of just different tactile items some kids like to squish others like soft materials to run their hands over.

when my DD was young (she has ASD) she used to relax in a tent set up in her bedroom with pillows, teddies, blankets etc sometimes she would like to read in there or just play with her dolls. I used to get a projector light that would shine stars on the wall/ceiling which she used to love to look at, it would give her something to focus on. She is a teenager now, and now she no longer has the tent but chills out in her bedroom to decompress after school. She still likes fidget toys and lava lamps and so on but doesn’t use them that much now.

@MozerellaSalad I have considered it. I'm not getting help yet (and I think we'd be pretty low down what I understand to be a very long list) but I am watching it. He certainly has triggers which result in very big feelings.

The thing is nursery have no problems with him at all. And he absolutely knows how to behave. Is generally quite good at following rules etc. Most of todays meltdowns have been as the result of a stand off because he doesn't want to do as he's asked and I insist. The only way I can 'make' him is by way of ultimatium. That then causes him to panic and he melts down. He will eventually do the thing and then will come for a cuddle etc. I absolutely know I also need some new strategies. I am constantly trying to find the balance between strong enough parenting that I have well behaved children vs being kind and sympathetic enough that they know they can feel their feelings and that I'm always here to support them. Today I'm failing!

Thanks for the other suggestions.

I have been looking at tents as I've actually just remembered we have one of those star projector things which he might quite like.

I've popped a couple of books in the corner and found a couple of different 'stress' type items. When I am explaining it to him in the morning I'll also ask him if there is anything that helps him feel calm and see if that would work.

Messy things aren't such an option as its in a beige carpeted area (quietest spot that doesn't involve being upstairs which he would hate).

OP I'm not sure I have any advice but I could have written your last post about my just 4 year old! He is very similar to how you describe your son, his meltdowns are intense and it seems the only way through them is to let them run their course, I sit near him and tell him he can have a cuddle when he's ready which he eventually will be but it can take a long time. He loves numbers so sometimes we count together which seems to help regulate him and calm him down. Like you he is fine at nursery, I've been told "he's one of the easy ones"!

I empathise with how hard it is to find the balance, I've been trying to be firm with boundaries but make sure we do lots of talking about the feelings (e.g. it's ok to be upset, it's not OK to hit me so I'm moving over here) and reading lots of books about big feelings (he loves "the colour monster"). Of course I don't always succeed and I have my fair share of days of feeling like I'm failing too.

Anyway following with interest!

Oh, also someone recommended the book "The Explosive Child" to me, which I haven't checked out yet but keep meaning to

What sort of things are these stand offs over?

He is fine at nursery - either they are asking in a way that brooks no argument, or they are more flexible.

You don't need a calm down corner - you need a new approach to responding to the bit of the interaction before you reach the stand off IMO.

Start the ball rolling now if you have concerns he has ASD. My son is 9 and only been diagnosed. The earlier you can get diagnosed (and by default help), the better.

My son just takes himself off to his bedroom to calm down. He also likes to be by himself to calm down. Us being there with him winds him up more.

I know you want to be a good parent, but seriously also choose your battles. If he's 3 and needing to go into the corner to calm down over something, is it really worth it? I have my not negotiables, like going to school etc. But some other stuff I will let slide if I know it causes a meltdown.

DD has these silicon chew beads from Fiddlebeads. They’re like a necklace. She’s very orally fixated and she grinds her teeth so she likes these. She’s 7 now and doesn’t really need them anymore but she still likes to chew a muslin and she benefits from something wrapped tightly around her body and head if she’s upset

@JudyJ thanks for the book suggestions I will have a look. One of my favourites is 'I love you because you're you'. And I constantly reitterate the sentiment of it.

We do have lots of feelings books etc and he does seem to have an excellent grasp of emotions in that he will say 'I'm not angry, I'm sad' etc.

I'm also careful to avoid naughty etc. We talk about behaviours instead. We had a thinking step (eeserved entirely for violence) not a naughty one etc.

The glitter calm down bottle got launched at my head so I wouldn't recommend those to anyone.
Orbeez in a tub.
Lava lamp.
White noise machine or app on tablet.
Scratch colour book.
Headphones or ear defenders.

@carefullycourageous so the standoffs will be something like... he's about to empty an entire box of lego (just for kicks, not to play with). I will warn him that if he does that then he will have to tidy it up. I will warn him several times. If he does it anyway then I will make him tidy it up.

Or tonight, he wanted a banana. I suggested that he have half. He wanted a whole one. I said that wss fine but if he had it, he had to eat it because we don't wsste food. So he had to sit until he'd finished it. I only do that in very specific circumstances. I never make them finish their dinner (bht don't offer alternatives and encourage them to try everything etc).

I 100% believe in picking my battles. And I do try not to present an ultimatum if its not worth it or important. I al also very consistent at giving warnings before the end of an activity or before getting ready etc. But he's testing and testing more and more and blatantly ignoring me at times. So at what point is it flexibility vs just giving in.

I am very open to new approaches and auggestions. I will ask the nursery more specifically about their approach to getting things done.

I have 3 under 5, a DH who works away and a job so my patience is not always on point, but I am trying.

These two things are not things I would pick a battle over. I don;t think nursery would either.

I think maybe you should rethink.

Tipping lego out - normal - just cheerfully get him to tidy up later.
Eating half a banana - normal - just freeze the other half and shove in a smoothie later.

I get that you are stressed but surely these meltdowns are more tiring than putting some lego back in the box?

I dont think those are worthwhile battles at his age. If he wants a banana and only eats half, so what, I dont always finish all my dinner either, he'll soon learn how much he can manage

Similarly with the lego, I think a 'warning' is a big negative, why not encourage playtime with the lego but weave the tidying up into the playing as you go without it being so 'heavy'

Sometimes, when it comes to the ultimatums it can help to give a "choice" of two possibilities. Neither of which might be appealling (and both are something you want to happen) but making the choice can give more of a feeling of control (not saying it always helps, but I have seen this work). Also lots of children manage at school or nursery because they can be so much more structured and routine driven, but also because children mask their anxieties there but feel much more secure with letting them out at home.

In terms of calming objects - Some children love music via headphones/ stress type "puzzles" or fidget spinners/ fish tanks to watch/ rain shakers/ kaleidoscopes/ keys and padlocks/ sorting toys or cars/Playdough or plasticine/ torches/ a tray of lavender/mint etc. Basically sensory experiences can often help with calming. (Though some will want to avoid different sensory experiences so it's often a case of try it and see.)

@Mrsteapot42 i think I need to educate myself more as I would say he doesn't fit with my udnerstanding of autisim but I may well be very ignorant.

He is extremely affectionate, has huge amounts of empathy and can read emotions incredibly well.

He does hugely overthink things, if we watch a film or even read a new book he gets very very invested and asks a phenomenal amount of questions and gets almost nervous about what's coming. He is intensely stubborn (which is why standoffs are a bad move and asking him to do something, explaining the consequences and walking away works better but still stresses him out).

Truggers tend to be knowing he's done slmething wrong (i.e. if he hurts his baby sister by accident he gets very worked up before I've said a word), too many people (though this seems to only be at our house, he's fine in a supermarket or soft play etc so I think its when those people might all want to talk to him). Or the panic of a timedown situation, but if i never time bound anything then nothing would be done.

I'm not wanting to be unkind OP but I think you should have a think if the cause of the tantrums is your attempts to control and if you let go a bit and are less strict, things might calm down and ultimately be easier.

This is not great sounding: Truggers tend to be knowing he's done slmething wrong (i.e. if he hurts his baby sister by accident he gets very worked up before I've said a word) as he is worrying about your reaction here.

@Siameasy @TheVolturi thanks. Great siggestions. Will look into them. And can completely picture the launching of the jar. That must have been grim.

Is he a good sleeper? Assuming he’s NT then I think sleep/not doing too much stuff is key.

@carefullycourageous you know I thought about that as I wrote it and I do know how it sounds. But I swear I am mostly quite calm.

I genuinely think its more to do with the fact he had such a solid understanding of right and wrong. And violence is one thing Ive always had zero tolerance for. (The consequence is a time out on the thinking step but I've always been consistent about it).

I take on board your points and @bellac11 about not worthwhile battles and will reevaluate what's important. It is absolutely true that the tantrum is worse than picking up the lego. It is also very valid that the initial warning is negative and I should reconsider that approach. (Also hadn't thought of freezing bananas which will make me feel much better about that). As I said I don't make them finish their dinner.

I do work hard to encourage and praise nice behaviours. The kids are brillaint at sharing and generally play really well together (until tiredness/hunger etc kicks in) and also quite good at compromising with each other and with me. They are kind, caring, compassionate kids. If I can just help him find a way to cope with these big feelings then they'd be positively easy.

I do accept that I am part of the problem here. And I definitely could have avoided some of todays meltdowns. But other days we can be having a lovrly day, everything has gone his way and I'll look up as he's walking into the room and he'll completely lose it because he was playing a hiding game or something.

I really don't want to be in control. But I do see friends with kids or won't do a single thing they are told and it fills me dread.

@SafelySoftly yes he is. He generally sleeps 11.5 - 12 hours a night.

If he has had a bad night for any reason then I am always mindful that tiredness will make him much more emotive and avoid extra battles. Plan in more quiet time etc. He does 3 days a week at nursery and we always know the end of day 2 will be epic so I/we try to make it easier.

@MakeItRain i do use the choices thing for getting ready etc... so socks or trousers first etc, but its a good point and I should think about how I can use it more. I definitely think he needs to feel in control and to @carefullycourageous point then I guess we are clashing there.

Lots of great suggestions there and a few we don't have. Will see how he feels about the concept of the space generally and then look at adding some of these.

I did. An armchair with a blanket, cushions, soft toys, favourite picture books and a little table beside it with room for a drink and snack. If DSs ever had melt downs I'd very gently suggest they snuggled down until they felt calm. Usually worked really quickly. Teaching them to self-regulate their emotions and soothe themselves out of anger and distress is really productive. We never had teenage tantrums either. They knew how to destress.