To ask if you've ever setup a calm down corner and what worked?

[Muststopeating]

Help!

My 3.5 year old DS's constant meltdowns are going to be the end of me (and aren't making him feel good either).

I may put up another post for general parenting advice but for now I'd like to setup a calm down corner for him. (I always offer a cuddle when he's ready or try sniff the cake/blow out the candles, but often it takes him a while to be ready).

Has anyone ever done this with any success and is there anything that's worked particularly well?

I am going to put one of our beanbags in a quiet corner where neither of his sisters can bother him. Certain music can sometimes calm him down so will setup the yoto in that corner. We also have a fidget popper thing. And I plan to make one of those glitter calm down bottles.

Only other things I can think of are some sort of stress ball and/or possibly a weighted blanket (he likes to snuggle and definitely prefers our cosier and thus heavier blanket).

To the best of my knowledge he is NT. He is both very sensitive and extremely stubborn.

If you've had a calm down toy/tool that's worked really well then please help!

I really don't want to be in control. But I do see friends with kids or won't do a single thing they are told and it fills me dread.

Earlier I nearly posted 'what are you afraid will happen if you stop trying to control him?' and then didn't because I worried I sounded like a pop psychologist.

It is a sliding scale, not a binary choice between total control and a total tearaway. My suggestion would be to work out what does really matter to you (hitting, carseat, medicine were priorities for me) and let everything else go. When he tipped out the lego I would have said 'Oh, are we making a lovely lego clatter?' and made myself a cup of tea!

Haven't rtft but have had success with things in the den like rolled up socks to throw about, bubbles to blow and practice deep breathing until they pop/hit the floor, junk mail to rip up etc... basically physical ways to let off steam and then emotionally regulate.

How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk is good. As is the book you wish your parents had read. Improving your own management of emotions and keeping things focused on the positive is really important.

Best of luck.

Agree with all this.

The tents work well because they block all external influences

Weighted blanket and big soft toys to hug and squash
I am mid - late 30s these things still help me. Also snacks are good

@carefullycourageous totally agree about the sliding scale and you are right, mine needs to be adjusted.

@WTF475878237NC ooo I like the socks, junkmail idea they are brilliant. We do try breathing, but he only wants to do that at the point when he's decided he wants to calm down but is struggling to (if that makes sense). Then I sit and do thst with him while holding his hands or cuddling him.

@VintageGibbon thank you, that's nice to know.

Did you have one each or did they share? My eldest doesn't have meltdowns but because she knows all the things she can't do when angry (i.e. hit, throw things etc) I can see that she struggles with what to do when frustrated. I wonder if she could use it too (would be far less frequent) or if it should be a space just for him?

Hi OP

Just wanted to send you some support as I think you sound like you're trying really hard and you sound like a kind and caring parent

You're doing the right things, I'm sure - I think it's just hard with a workaholic partner and 3 kiddos under 5.

Keep being kind and calm and I hope things will ease for you x

They had one each in separate rooms, so that if they were fighting they each had a place to calm down. Weirdly, to this day (they are now adults) they gravitate towards the same chairs in the same rooms that they had as their calm places when they were toddlers. I've only just realised this, answering your question!

Makes sense. Try suggesting it as a game when he's feeling good and happy. Let's put our hands on our hearts and slow it down...There are VR /biofeedback games to teach this to kids if you have the spare cash. The unicorn can only fly when you're breathing slowly from the diaphragm etc.

Build up the skill in the calm times first and then gradually he may be able to use it earlier up the red mist scale.

I used to do this when I worked in a school and it helped. X

I do see friends with kids or won't do a single thing they are told and it fills me dread.

I completely understand this view OP, I share it. I had similar experiences to you with my elder DC at this age. I persevered with being a bit "strict" and now a couple of years on, it paid off. Like you I wanted to focus on helping DC learn to manage the emotions that arise from (let's face it) having to do as you are told when sometimes it's not what you want. DC is happy and well behaved and school/other parents comment on their good manners etc.

For complicated reasons, health related, I was more "flexible" with younger DC and their behaviour is simply worse.

Our society currently places a low value on obedience in children, but then punishes adults who haven't learned to follow rules. I'm now having to gradually take a firmer stance with second DC and it's definitely a harder problem to fix with an older child.

My suggestion would be to work out what does really matter to you (hitting, carseat, medicine were priorities for me) and let everything else go. When he tipped out the lego I would have said 'Oh, are we making a lovely lego clatter?' and made myself a cup of tea!

The problem with this, is it results in the children who come for a playdate and then leave the house a bomb site. You ask them to tidy up and they don't do as they are told. I don't ask them back.

A nice silky soft rug to walk/sit/lie on, some low lighting, pretty small coloured lights, or mood lamps, a tent/tipi, some silky soft materials/fleece, a pretty projector to project stars or something else on to the ceiling or the inside of a tent. I've found those things were very relaxing for my child (and me!).

To people who use a child being well behaved at nursery or school to be an indication that they "know how to behave so they should be able to do it at home", I counter with the neurodivergent experience. We want to be well behaved and as a rule, like following rules (as long as they're logical and have a clear purpose) but being in a stimulating environment with other people, lights, sounds and expectations, for any length of time saps all our energy and it makes coping with life in our home environment, where we generally feel safer and have higher expectations of comfort and safety, much harder.

A child that is 'fine' at school and has intense meltdowns at home is highly possibly autistic or ND in some way.

Not saying that OP's son might be but just setting the story straight on what neurodivergence can look like.