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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed by the term sperms donor?

83 replies

Thousandsandhundreds · 13/05/2022 12:56

Recently I've noticed lots of people calling bad fathers sperm donors. My friend jane who has had a falling out with her dad has taken to calling him to her donor. She will say "oh my bloody sperm donor has done ..." He was present throughout her childhood, she turned low contact as an adult due to a big argument

I've always felt it was a bit odd but never said anything as her personal choice of defining her relationship.

Recently her and a group of friends were having a moan about one of the groups exhusband. Jane said "he's just a sperm donor at this point" and the group started to refer to him as her donor rather than exhusband

Eventually at the school gates this mum said to someone else "my kids donor is such a pain" in a jokey way but in earshot of her son

When alone.I said she maybe shouldn't call him that in ear shot of her kid, she said I was uptight and pointed out its fairly common.

I explained that my daughter is donor conceived (which she knew) and that we didn't want her to think a donor is a negative thing. Her donor isn't a bad parent, he is someone who entered into a specific arrangement which didn't including parenting. In my head thats very different to someone who was part of the family unit then didn't fulfill their role, and is simply a poor parent. My daughter for example has conversations about her donor, and hangs out with other donor kids as her situation of having limited medical info, the bio parent link etc is something id think of as specific to donor kids

Since then I've noticed that it is common online, and amongst some of my younger friends.

Since then its clear that they think I was being picky.

Aibu to think its odd to refer to your child's parent as a sperm donor if they aren't?

OP posts:

IKnewPrufrockBeforeHeGotFamous · 13/05/2022 17:55

YANBU, it makes me cringe because it’s so childish. See also posters on here who refer to a woman who is a shit mum as ‘mother’ in quotes because they’re so desperate to make it clear that they feel the woman doesn’t deserve the title mother. When in fact she is a mother and putting it in quotes won’t change that

Hadjab · 13/05/2022 17:58

I'm 51, Andy sisters and I have been calling my "father" Sperm Donor for over 35 years. So much so, that my son actually though we were test tube babies...

KettrickenSmiled · 13/05/2022 17:59

I explained that my daughter is donor conceived
I'm pleased for you - & of course DD! - that you & she have had the positive kind of donation.

But maybe spare a thought for those who have not, before you police their language & berate them:
Aibu to think its odd to refer to your child's parent as a sperm donor if they aren't?
YABU. It's far less odd than conceiving a child & then refusing to see them or pay for them. Can you maybe concentrate on your happiness with your choices & your lovely DD, & allow people to express the hurt & disappointment - that you've been lucky enough not to experience - in the way they see fit?

YarnHoarder · 13/05/2022 17:59

I somewhat agree, it's misusing the term. I have an entirely absent father, parents divorced just after I turned 2, saw him very very occasionally at his work (a pub) until age 8, he died of illnesses related to alcoholism in my early teens. I don't have a relationship with him that I remember, I don't even have a name I feel comfortable using for him, either his name, dad, father, it all seems abstract. What I wouldn't call him though is sperm donor, he consented to having children and being in their lives in a married relationship with my mum, I was planned for 3 years (problems conceiving) and very much wanted. It wasn't a sperm donor relationship between my parents, just turns out he was utterly shit at it and prioritised alcohol even more after I was born and managed to hide it very well.

It's also always used in a negative way in these instances. As though it's removing all responsibility and feeling by calling a shit father a sperm donor. You made a positive choice and you want your child to understand she was wanted by you but that there's a different relationship from the norm with what would be a father's DNA and relationship.

KettrickenSmiled · 13/05/2022 18:07

malefactorwoes · 13/05/2022 14:58

It's inconsiderate, but it's just another example of people not thinking things through really, isn't it?

It's a lack of empathy to what it's like to actually be a donor/ donor conceived child/ parent, probably because they don't have experience with it and so aren't connecting the dots.

I'd just sigh and move on, you can't change people being this way.

(I say this as someone currently going through the donor process).

You could say the same thing from the other side though.
That people who have never experienced their dad walking out on them, or their partner walking out on their kids, are not thinking things through or connecting the dots of the pain abandoned women have been through to end up using the 'sperm donor' phrase.

Agree with PP it shouldn't have been said in front of DC, but it's a legitimate usage, & women who have been lucky enough to conceive their wanted child with the official variant of sperm donors could be more empathic & less prescriptive about it, frankly.
THEY have the parenting arangement they signed up for.
Women & children who have been abandoned do not.

Stravaig · 13/05/2022 18:16

You're right OP, it derogates the genuine sperm donation process. It also conveniently absolves the speaker from the string of bad decisions they themselves made in getting into relationship with, having sex with, and having a child with someone who proved a completely unsuitable partner and co-parent. Sometimes this genuinely cannot be forseen, but far more often women seem to have their brains switched off when it comes to evaluating potential partners.

Original poster

Thousandsandhundreds · 13/05/2022 18:31

KettrickenSmiled · 13/05/2022 17:59

I explained that my daughter is donor conceived
I'm pleased for you - & of course DD! - that you & she have had the positive kind of donation.

I guess this my point though. Sperm donation shouldn't be used as a way to express hurt and disappointment? I don't agree with the fact that it's seen as the worst possible thing you could call your parent

OP posts:

Pinkdelight3 · 13/05/2022 19:55

PinkArt · 13/05/2022 17:43

Jay Blades uses 'the man who contributed towards my birth' to describe the man he feels hasn't earned the title dad, which is clunky but does the trick.

But this is exactly the same thing - this exact phrase describes both a deadbeat dad or the nice sperm donor. So this just demonstrates it's not about the words you use but the context in which you use them. Using the same words for a different thing doesn't intrinsically imply comparison. They are not talking about the OP or their DC and taking offence at it is just looking for problems.

SarahAndQuack · 13/05/2022 20:01

Pinkdelight3 · 13/05/2022 19:55

Show quote history

No, it doesn't.

Do you really not get that they're different?

You could also describe the male surgeon who did a c-section as 'the man who contributed towards my birth'. Or the IVF tech. Or the bloke who introduced you to your wife. Just because someone's come up with a very bland statement (which, obviously, is comforting in its blandness to them), doesn't mean you've proved some deep, meaningful point about misuse of actual words.

PortiaFimbriata · 13/05/2022 20:05

Could we make a push for adopting Sperm Dumper? Expresses the sentiment without the positive connotations of "donor"

AnuSTart · 13/05/2022 20:07

People can call their exes whatever the f they like. Ideally not in front of the kids. I would judge that.

KettrickenSmiled · 13/05/2022 20:39

My male parent was what PP would negatively call a sperm donor, Thousands,
In what way does your distaste for the term outweigh my (& my mother's) dismay, hurt, & in her case financial & emotional deprivation, if I chose to use the term about him?

fwiw I don't - if I refer to him, it tends to be "the man who attended my conception." Is that ok with you - because your clinical sperm donor did not?

KettrickenSmiled · 13/05/2022 20:41

@PortiaFimbriata -Sperm Dumper is actually perfect!

AND, surely, pleases both sides of this fence?

KettrickenSmiled · 13/05/2022 20:45

I don't agree with the fact that it's seen as the worst possible thing you could call your parent

But this is a whole new level of semantics! - because I don't see the (benign, clinical) sperm donor as a parent.
Biologically - yes, But in any other sense? No.

My beloved (step)dad was very much a parent. My birth father? - not at all.
I'm sticking with Sperm Dumper for him - it's brilliant, & makes a clear differentiation between benign or neglectful/abusive 'donation'.

JumpingPiglets · 13/05/2022 21:17

I agree OP. My son is a donor baby. Sperm donors do a wonderful and generous thing; no-one is left in the lurch, or deceived. I think it is ghastly and horrible to appropriate this term for men who abandon their children

SarahAndQuack · 13/05/2022 21:41

Sperm dumper is genius! Though does risk sounding like something evangelical Christians would say about the evils of masturbation.

But, @KettrickenSmiled, what do you mean by 'the positive kind of donation'? There's sperm donation (which of course could be a positive of negative experience for all sorts of reasons, and could be part of a very sad situation or part of a very happy one). And there's having a biological male parent who fucks off. The latter is not any kind of 'donation'.

GeraltsLeftPec · 13/05/2022 21:53

I never saw it this way til I read your post. I'll never use the term this way again. I'm glad I've seen your post - thank you. X ps you're definitely not being unreasonable, this is a really good point.

Bizawit · 13/05/2022 22:06

SmallThingsEverywhere · 13/05/2022 14:54

I’m saying the result is the same. In both situations both fathers could be called sperm donors.

Show quote history

But the result isn’t remotely the same. One results in a broken family, betrayal, heartache.
The other results in joy and gratitude: providing a couple or single woman the option to have a family.

Bizawit · 13/05/2022 22:12

PortiaFimbriata · 13/05/2022 20:05

Could we make a push for adopting Sperm Dumper? Expresses the sentiment without the positive connotations of "donor"

Brilliant 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 This is much more factually accurate

JulesRimetStillGleaming · 14/05/2022 07:57

Agree with you. Am also trying to conceive with an actual sperm donor and the difference between that and a failed relationship is stark and important. If I do have donor conceived children, I wouldn't want them hearing this way if talking. It's also terrible for the children to hear their other parent being talked about like this.

JudyJ · 14/05/2022 09:29

Agree, JulesRimet! My objection isn't about "taking offence", it's about my 4 year old (who is just starting to become aware his family is "different" although we have talked about it since birth) hearing this sort of talk and getting confused and negative ideas about the nature of his birth. Or thinking that other kids are donor conceived (I'm trying really hard to make sure he knows other children in the same situation) when their situation isn't the same at all (has similarities, sure, but not the same). Donor conception comes with loads of complexities and I've spent hours reading about it, attending implications counselling, and thinking carefully about the language I use and how to talk about it with my son - having others use the term carelessly and incorrectly in front of him undermines this.

I'm not in anyway trying to take away from those who have been abandoned by a partner or a parent, that obviously comes with its own difficulties and complexities but you can't say it's the same because it just isn't, no matter how much you try to say it is.

Pinkdelight3 · 14/05/2022 14:00

misuse of actual words

I guess this is where we disagree. I think they're different uses, not right and wrong, and I'm not in favour of policing other people's language to this extent.

SarahAndQuack · 14/05/2022 14:23

Pinkdelight3 · 14/05/2022 14:00

misuse of actual words

I guess this is where we disagree. I think they're different uses, not right and wrong, and I'm not in favour of policing other people's language to this extent.

But they're not.

I'm all for language being flexible and not policing other's words, but you're not talking about a situation where you can kind of see why someone calls a pelargonium a geranium and you can kind of see why, you're talking about someone saying 'well I'm going to call cows swans now, so they are just different uses and there's no right and wrong'.

A dad who buggers off is not a sperm donor.

Pinkdelight3 · 15/05/2022 14:36

Well, no, because those examples are about facts, biological taxonomy, whereas the disparaging epithet sperm donor is figurative. You know what it means. We just disagree on whether it's okay or not, which is fine.

Original poster

Thousandsandhundreds · 15/05/2022 17:59

@Pinkdelight3
It's the fact it's being considered as a way to disparage someone and as a disparaging term for bad dads

OP posts:

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