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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Getting over being dumped for what you consider a small reason

57 replies

Lolabray · 12/05/2022 21:25

I mean for example: not ringing someone back on time
turning up to the date late
turning up drunk or out of it

ive recently been binned off as I prefer to call it, no talking no explanation.. I made a mistake but his reaction seems quite extreme.

Unless of course he didn’t like me :) which of course he didn’t.

OP posts:
Sunnytwobridges · 12/05/2022 22:19

I would end with anyone that habitually turned up late. Turning up drunk or out of it would def be a red flag for me even if i really liked them.

NumberTheory · 12/05/2022 22:22

Lolabray · 12/05/2022 21:47

His reason he didn’t drink and I did.

I think it's pretty self aware to be able to recognise when something like that is going to make a relationship difficult to sustain. Him smoking weed is irrelevant. There are plenty of people who drink but don't want to go out with someone who smokes weed. That's not unreasonable either.

PriestessofPing · 12/05/2022 22:31

If he’s had issues with alcohol and now self-medicates with weed then really do you even want to date him? I think he’s done you both a favour tbh. And in this context it really isn’t a small issue - the man has a substance abuse problem. That’s a very big problem and now it isn’t going to become yours as well as his.

PrinnyPree · 12/05/2022 22:41

Sorry OP YABU people don't need a reason at all to stop dating someone.

Back in my dating days I dumped for fuck all reasons. Mostly just didn't click, no real reason. I might use those "minor reasons" stated as excuses as they sound a bit better than, "I dislike your personality".

The third reason you gave isn't a minor though, that would be an immediate walk out for me. I drink but someone drunk when you're sober is a bit obnoxious (especially if you don't know them very well) and I'd see someone who got drunk or high before turning up to a date a massive red flag and would wonder if they had a drink/substance abuse problem.

DoIDareSayAnything · 12/05/2022 22:44

You don't need a reason to end a relationship.

shinynewapple22 · 12/05/2022 22:45

You are obviously not compatible.

NewBlueGoo · 12/05/2022 23:28

Anyone can end a relationship for any reason. You don't get to appeal, or take them to a tribunal for unfair dismissal. Dust yourself off and get back out there. This wasn't the one.

Scabbyknackers · 13/05/2022 06:00

It's fine to let someone go if your lifestyle/ habits don't align. I drink but don't take any other drugs or smoke and would not want to be with anyone who did. Did he present it as a value judgement? I'd be annoyed at that if he smokes weed. Nobody likes a hypocrite.

Whilst dating I have ended things mostly because I was simply not feeling it. There doesn't need to be a big excuse.

Deafdonkey · 13/05/2022 06:04

Attwoodsladyfriend · 12/05/2022 22:16

I dumped someone for having elasticated jeans. Another one for reading The Sun. Another because he thought that archeology was “silly.”

All bullets dodged.

I wish I was more discerning. I have wasted my life for not dodging bullets.

PermanentTemporary · 13/05/2022 06:07

I think if there isn't enough that's positive in a connection, small things are much more of a problem. But turning up drunk isn't a small thing. Neither is smoking weed.

Hrpuffnstuff1 · 13/05/2022 07:20

I wouldn't date nor have a relationship with someone who was either a drunkard, tardy or a druggy.
😐

5foot5 · 13/05/2022 07:26

Lolabray · 12/05/2022 21:47

His reason he didn’t drink and I did.

Well if this was the actual reason why did you mess about confusing people with fake reasons in the OP?

Sounds like he just thought your lifestyles are incompatible

x2boys · 13/05/2022 07:36

How long were you dating ?
If you had just had a few dates then maybe he's not just feeling it
A few months exclusive dating and you would deserve a proper explanation
Also if someone continued not to ring me or meet up on time after a few months I would also think they probably were not that bothered.

x2boys · 13/05/2022 07:43

Attwoodsladyfriend · 12/05/2022 22:16

I dumped someone for having elasticated jeans. Another one for reading The Sun. Another because he thought that archeology was “silly.”

All bullets dodged.

This made me 🤣
Back in my single days someone I was casually seeing wore Green underpants, Green Boxers would be bad enough but they were under pants like a little boy would wear!

IamnotSethRogan · 13/05/2022 07:45

I think it's more that you weren't compatible. If you really really like someone, you tend to look past a lot of issues.

Harsh as it is, he maybe just didn't like you enough to deal with the incompatibility issue.

Being dumped is shit, but it's best in the long term that he's not wasting your time.

Testina · 13/05/2022 07:50

It’s not just that he doesn’t drink and you do.
Look at your examples of what you think are “small” things.
I know they’re just examples, but it shows that you think turning up drunk is no big deal.
I think it’s bloody rude. In early dating, I’d dump for that.
So it’s not just that you drink that he doesn’t find compatible for you - but your attitude to drinking too.

That aside, don’t we all choose minor things if pushed for a reason? To be kind. I dumped someone cos the way he kissed made me feel sick and I hated that he wouldn’t make any decisions and his house was covered in dust. I told him he was lovely but the spark just wasn’t there.

That’s what it is I expect, even if you didn’t drink - he’s just not that into you.

mintybobs · 13/05/2022 07:53

Bromeliadh · 12/05/2022 21:31

Not calling or being late isn’t a big deal. But tuning up drunk or “out of it” (from what? drugs?) is a huge red flag! Sorry but I’d dump someone for that too. If you’re genuinely turning up “out of it” for dates then perhaps you need some help with your alcohol consumption or drug use.

Seriously! Turning up drunk is a huge red flag- it shows an inability to control alcohol. I'd dump them faster than they could say "hangover".

x2boys · 13/05/2022 07:59

Testina · 13/05/2022 07:50

It’s not just that he doesn’t drink and you do.
Look at your examples of what you think are “small” things.
I know they’re just examples, but it shows that you think turning up drunk is no big deal.
I think it’s bloody rude. In early dating, I’d dump for that.
So it’s not just that you drink that he doesn’t find compatible for you - but your attitude to drinking too.

That aside, don’t we all choose minor things if pushed for a reason? To be kind. I dumped someone cos the way he kissed made me feel sick and I hated that he wouldn’t make any decisions and his house was covered in dust. I told him he was lovely but the spark just wasn’t there.

That’s what it is I expect, even if you didn’t drink - he’s just not that into you.

Very true I split up with someone because even though he was very nice, everything he did I found increasingly irritating like he made a little humming sound when he breathed
The truth was I wasn't attracted to him
I have been with my Dh 17 years and he can irritate thehell out of me sometimes but you get past things like that when you love someone.

catless · 13/05/2022 08:01

So what was the mistake you made?

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 13/05/2022 08:04

I barely drink now but even when I did, if someone had turned up drunk for a date, that would have been our last date. It's so rude. You both aren't compatible, that's all.

knittingaddict · 13/05/2022 08:06

Lolabray · 12/05/2022 21:47

His reason he didn’t drink and I did.

I drink, but I think that's a good enough reason to break up. I mean any reason is ok and doesn't need to meet a particular standard of behaviour. No reason is too small if you genuinely feel that it is a big deal for you.

knittingaddict · 13/05/2022 08:07

Lolabray · 12/05/2022 22:06

@RobertaFirmino fair play but he liked his weed. 😱

Ok, then it was probably an excuse, but that doesn't make the breakup less genuine.

RoyKentsChestHair · 13/05/2022 08:09

Lolabray · 12/05/2022 21:47

His reason he didn’t drink and I did.

I’m online dating at the moment and tbh I would rule out anyone who was a big drinker. I have the occasional one but someone who’s life revolves around the pub, getting drunk, turning up for dates having had a drink etc wouldn’t be fun for me. My vice is food and I wouldn’t be with someone who didn’t enjoy trying new foods etc. wouldn’t date a smoker. I have some things I’m ok with and some things I’m not, so if someone turned out to not be compatible on any of those I’d dump (unless I liked him enough to let it go, which he clearly doesn’t, sorry)

FWIW my ex of 9 years thinks my reasons for dumping him were ridiculous too. But to me they crossed a line which I’d repeatedly told him and he didn’t care. A small thing to him was actually a very big deal to me.

Wouldyabeguilty · 13/05/2022 08:22

Anyone who turned up to meet me drunk would go straight in the bin too. Ugghhh no.

ElenaSt · 13/05/2022 08:31

A friend was horrified when a chap turned up for a date with his sleeves rolled up and cut the date short.

I would dump someone who turned up drunk.

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