I really dislike my MIL

[Newhome121]

Just the title really. She just made me feel like crap when I went to pick up DS from her home. She had her friends around for tea and her and them were looking me up and down judging me. One was blatantly just staring at me open mouthed. I had no make up on and just jeans and a top as I was cleaning all day. I really feel down and upset they way she judges me. I was a Uk size 6 when I got married but in her words I was fat as my hips and breast were “huge”. I’m a size 12/14 now so you can imagine the stares and comments I get.

not to drip feed she’s Indian, in her 70’s and thinks her son is the best guy in the world and thinks my only role was to give birth to her grandkids and I can now happily disappear to leave her to raise my kids. I don’t think I can put it any better than I did this morning so please read my post on the thread “why are you on mumsnet in the small hours”: I’ve copied abs pasted my response to the thread below the link. www.mumsnet.com/talk/_chat/4547831-why-are-you-on-mumsnet-in-the-small-hours

Newhome121 · 12/05/2022 02:17
feeling anxious about finding a house to move into. Feeling anxious about everything else too. Just dreading tomorrow (well today now it’s 2:13am England), seeing MIL. Haven’t seen her for 2 blessed weeks. She takes care of my son when I worked (her choice completely). I left work and everyday she cries to DH she misses her 1:1 time with ds. She keeps asking me when I’m planning to go to work! I keep feeling guilty as DH keeps telling me his parents are lonely and ds keeps them busy so today I’m dropping him off there. I’ve loved spending last week and this week with my baby. I just wish I didn’t feel guilty spending time with him. DH keeps saying his mum was crying on the phone.

sorry for long rant lol!

Hi,

I can understand the situation you are in. Luckily i get on with my MIL really well. However, it is important to remember that you and your son come first. Do what makes you happy and do not compromise the time you have with your son to make someone else happy. I know she takes care of your son whilst you work and yes you should appreciate that but like you said that was her choice. I get on with my MIL but when my son was young there were times when she wanted to take that special time away from me and made me feel like i could not do all the things a mother should do. However, i found my ground and took my stand and if i do not need help or opinions i make that very clear. I think you need to ignore what people think of you and remember you are who you are and to your son you are the most perfect and important person to him. Spend as much time with him as you can as time will pass before you know it 🙂

Thank you for your message. I didn’t get a choice it was automatically assumed she will take care of him. If I suggest any other option I’m accused of trying to cause a wedge between my son and them. Lots of drama and crying. It was okay when I worked part time as we had a schedule and I spent very little time in her company. She was happy as she got to spend 3 days a week with ds without her. I’m just confused how to navigate it now as I don’t work. I can drop him off 1/2 days a week for a few hours

Thats annoying, i also work part-time and the days i am at work my son is at nursery (private) everyone told me there are plenty of people to look after him but i felt for his development and for me to be able to work without worrying he was best placed there. The days i am off we have classes booked etc so most of the days we are out. Weekends are spent with family etc. I understand your situation, as you do not work you are probably expected to be able to drop your son off to your MIL whenever they want and you will be in that awkward position where you will have to spend time with her whether you like it or not. I think there are only two options. Either you stand your ground and do what you want or you get a job and let your MIL have him on those days or nursery.

Well for a start you don’t have children to provide entertainment for grandparents who are bored! I think that’s a bit of a cop out on your DH’s part.
If your MIL makes comments about you I’d be worried about how she’ll influence your son.
The staring of her 70 year old friends? They’re jealous! Who’s going to look better in jeans and a shirt—- you or them? 😊
Smile a lot at them, be breezy and throw a bomb comment in —- that cake looks lovely, who baked that. I love your new hairstyle, what a beautiful scarf, anything— it throws them.
Can you start to look at a nursery place for your DS? I’m sure the health visitor ( or some other official sounding person) recommended it as good for child development.

Hey OP, you need to find yourself. It's hard to overcome social conditioning. I can see that you're going with the flow to keep the peace and keep everyone (but you) happy. MIL is difficult and everyone jumps to her command, you need to learn to be the difficult one here.

Start thinking more about what makes you happy and act on it. Practise that breezy response to your MIL and her cronies but also a firm 'no, that doesn't suit me' here and there. Your MIL got her own kids she does not get to raise yours as well.

Start by getting a nursery-great for his socialisation etc. I would not be letting him spend any time with her until she’s polite. Minimum.

OP are you Indian? If not, I think there’s a chance that this might be impacting things.

There are some bits in your second post that reek of emotional manipulation. Dh is Asian, and obviously not all Asian MIL are like this at all, some are incredible, but my MIL is the same, and it does happen with the older generation. My MIL is terrible with children but she wanted the exact same, in her case it’s not love for the children it’s more about social standing.

your husband needs to be very firm with them.

Thank you everyone. Yes I am Indian too. I don’t think they were staring at me as there jealous they were judging me. I’ve got a dark complexion whereas my mil and DH are very fair so mil always makes comments to our me down. She tells me not to wear certain colours as it makes me look darker. I feel really ugly every time I see her! She will stare at me disapprovingly. Her friends always make comments that my son looks like his dad and thank God didn’t get my complexion and then they laugh. I really don’t like her views and attitude but DH says she’s too old to change now. Mil is very superficial and it’s all about looks and social standing with her. Yes as a previous poster pointed to it’s not about wanting to spend time with ds it’s about showing the world look I have influence over my son abs his family.

if you don’t want to work then maybe agree a couple of half days that MIL can look after DC. Use the time to do what you want, whether it’s catching up with housework etc so you have more free time with DC, or just time for your own interests, studying, a fitness class, coffee with a friend.
For pick up I would be groomed and dressed in a way that made me feel good. Keep handover to an exchange of pleasantries snd thanks.

@Sapphirensteel has it right - your baby wasn’t born to keep MIL entertained. If you want him at home, he stays at home with you. He is not a prize to be earned by the person who cries loudest.

Do you trust her with DS? If she’s that tricky with you what horrible stuff is she going to be saying to him all the time? If/ when you get another job I would definitely be looking at nurseries……

Your MIL and her friends sound vile and i can completely understand you wanting to see as little of her as possible. But you do need to find some self confidence, do you have others around you who can help you see you're amazing and MIL is just being spiteful.

I completely agree nursery is great for development and socialising. But it's not unreasonable for MIL to want to see her grandson. Is there any way your H could drop.off and pick up your son ?

Respect goes both ways OP. I work with lots of Indian women, who tell me the same story. What is it with Indian grannies? I’ve known these women for 15+ years, saw their babies being born, all the way to university and getting married. They are sweet, hard working, funny, beautiful women. They get treated like shit by their husbands’ family. Some husbands do stick up for them.
Just ignore your MIL, kill her with distant kindness.

A couple of things jumped out at me, reading your post. Essentially at the moment you have something your MiL wants- access to your your son. It's madness for her to be nasty to you. Also, madness that it's on her terms, not yours.

Does your husband understand how badly her behaviour affects you?

I'd say two things-
make it work for you. As a PP says, use the time for something you want and enjoy- self care, exercise, getting your nails done etc.

Make sure you are well positioned independence wise. Why did you stop work? Would it be wiser to at least work part time, have some independence and money of your own?

My two suggestions contradict each other! Only you know what your situation is like, and whether independence keeps you safer or whether you can stand up to your husband and mil despite not working.

Tell your husband that until your mil matures to a level where she is polite, learns to control her emotions and does not try to manipulative people with her tantrums, she is not to be trusted to be alone with your child. She is unstable and childish.

If she is making comments about your skin colour, tell her that her racist opinions are not acceptable, and you don't want her influencing your son now he is getting old enough to understand - and then stop her having time alone with him.

If I were you I would be very concerned that she's passing on her views about women to your child. I'd be getting him into a nursery pronto if you can afford it and stopping her looking after him so many hours

Excellent advice!

It's a tough one - this is really typical (sorry) of old, bored, unfulfilled asians old ladies. The comments I hear about others are just horrific and yeah, it's usually about skin tone. You will never get approval, this isn't about that. It's a deep rooted bitterness that unfortunately won't change. You need to regain your control, though I know it's hard as their sons worship the ground they walk on. If you have the balls you could make a few comments of your own thrown at the bunch of them about how fulfilling your life is... or similar. You can't let her grind you down basically. Ultimately you may have to bite the bullet and lay down the law - your child shouldn't be exposed to these sort of remarks. Id be half temped to say your child copied a remark and social services contacted you about it. Family dynamics are impossible sometimes- thankfully mine lives in India and I have pretty much banned her coming here for the next baby as last time she was faking heart attacks and throwing herself around the house for attention I guess (but I've made it sound like it's for her benefit not to come as you can't say anything against the MILs outright ever). Find her trigger - like my mum always thinks shes vey posh so if she makes comments about me, ill say basically how unposh (!) that is. But don't just take it, call them out on it

Op, I am mixed. Half Indian half white Irish.

i do get it to a certain degree as dads family were very similar. They were very appreciative of my paler complexion. Not so much that I have naturally big boobs and hips. The guilt they piled on my dad for marrying a white catholic, not visiting enough, not wanting them to live with them was unreal. All while being awful to my mum and quite shitty to us when they got the chance.

When the tears started Dad would just remove himself from the conversation and tell them tears won’t work.

He stood up for us. No way would he have guilted mum into spending time with them. Or having to see them while they made her feel like shit.

Mum died last year and only one relative came. A nephew that remembers mum being extremely kind to him, when his only family were not. The rest didn’t give a shit really. Not even about how me and my brother were.

It doesn’t matter if she cries. Your husband should be standing up for you. It’s hard and I understand that. But you should not be forced to send your son there because they can’t entertain themselves. That’s not what your child is for. And anyone who goes out of their way to make a mother feel like shit, shouldn’t expect to be so involved with the child.

Good grief no. You don’t need to do what you don’t want to do. Wear what you want. Let her disapprove - it’s says everything about her and nothing about you. Spend as much time as you want with your son - he’s your child, not hers. Stop trying to appease her because she will never be appeased.

Oh I really feel for you. I think some Westerners don't understand the cultural differences... It was in the news yesterday about an Indian couple suing their son because he hadn't produced a grandchild yet. Apparently it caused them mental agony. My MIL is Indian too but I'm not. When I first married her son I was ordered to produce 3 grandchildren : 2 boys and a girl. I was completely taken aback by this. It caused a lot of upset and emotional blackmail when we decided to stop at 2. Despite all this my MIL is actually a very lovely person, kind and understanding. She'd do anything for me. She loves me and I love her. She's stopped all her nonsense now because I wouldn't give it the time of day. Although I'm not at all assertive I'm not someone who can be bossed around. I was lucky to have my DH's support, although he's very scared of upsetting her. Your MIL doesn't sound like a kind person at all. In your situation it sounds so much harder if the whole family (including your DH) is on her side. I wish I knew what the answer was. The light at the end of the tunnel is that soon your child will be at school and she'll have to spend less time with them. I hope you find a way through this OP.

I also wanted to add that as your child grows up its very likely he'll start to dislike your MIL. He won't love anyone like he loves you and if he sees his grandmother constantly putting you down and laughing at you, he'll hate it. Your focus on your relationship with him.

Thank you so much everyone. I really think I’m going crazy sometimes as everyone takes her side. My DH is not supportive. He tells me how lucky I am as other DIL are not allowed to move out of MIL home. Everyone always just says she is doing nothing wrong. Honestly I’m not happy. If money was no object I would leave. I will go back to work one day but right now it’s just been very stressful.

I totally understand- I'm not Indian but my husband is, and I know the exact type of person your MIL is. Luckily my MIL wasn't like that but there are loads in the family who are. Always gossiping, always complaining, always some kind of drama or falling out. You have to find a way to let it wash over you. I agree with an earlier poster about finding your own way. Don't engage in any drama - just answer super blandly "oh is that what you think?", "oh right, anyway who wants a tea?", "hmmm interesting". Don't argue back just totally shut it down. Of course you shouldn't have to, but any argument will only ever end up hurting you more even though she's in the wrong. And as for your husband, well that's another story and harder to fix.
But suffice it to say, she's hurting herself in the long run - just bide your time and keep yourself emotionally protected as much as you can. Your son will be in a childcare setting soon enough and you'll have to go there much less.

Sorry OP, it f’ing sucks. My MIL is bad but she’d never comment on my weight, but there are a lot of women in the extended family like this. You have to remember, dogs bark. It’s just noise and it’s more of a reflection of them than it ever will be of you.

i don’t like how your husband says that you should be grateful you’ve not been forced to live with his parents… that’s an awful way of thinking, that you have no agency of your own. Did you discuss these things prior to marriage, i was crystal clear with my MIL and DH that I’m not living with her. Did you have an arranged marriage, so perhaps there wasn’t space for this level of discussion? What do your parents make of this? I think your husband needs to be aware he’s destroying your marriage, you don’t sound happy with him.