Don't want ex's new girlfriend around my daughter

Thatnightmsreex · 2022-05-11T21:24:58+00:00

So I'm probably being unreasonable but here it is. me and my ex have a toddler daughter together. We're no longer together but get on really well and coparent our daughter. hes recently started dating someone and it's getting serious. He's had other girlfriends before, but none were serious and none met our daughter. the new gf also has a daughter but a few years older than mine if that's at all relevant. also probably relevant, I do not like the new girlfriend. She's not an awful person but there's been a couple passive agressive comments here and there, and I get the impression she is really not happy about me and ex still being very friendly. it's getting to the stage where he wants to introduce our daughter to the new girlfriend and I just don't want that. I have no real reason other than I don't like this woman and I don't want her in my daughters life but I also know that isn't really down to me. But my daughter is my world and I don't want this woman around her.

TeaAndBrie · 11/05/2022 22:31

I mean this as politely as possible but it really isn’t something that you get to decide. If you trust him to go parent then you trust him to make decisions whilst DD is in his care.
You don’t have to like the new girlfriend, you don’t need to be friends with her or anything.

Trafficjamlog · 11/05/2022 22:32

Have you met her? I can see that it may be awkward for her to have you being so friendly with you ex. Ultimately you don’t get a choice. So long as she’s kind to your daughter that’s all you can ask, it’s irrelevant whether you like her or not and you can’t decide who does or doesn’t meeT I’m afraid

Zemw · 11/05/2022 22:34

It's shit, hard and annoying but you don't get a say.

quietnightmare · 11/05/2022 22:37

In the kindest way ... tough. What can you do ? Make your ex choose? You might not like the answer. Perhaps look to yourself and ask why are you bothered ? Sounds like your not quite over him. Being amicable is the best option. Good luck

Rosebuud · 11/05/2022 22:38

Are you jealous because it’s serious now? You can’t stop this I’m sorry, and it won’t stop their relationship if you try to stop her seeing your child. It’s in your and your child’s best interests to try to accept he’s moved on properly now and she will be in her life, I’m sorry, it was always going to happen.

Original poster

Thatnightmsreex · 11/05/2022 22:38

I've met her briefly a couple of times, it was very frosty. I can understand why she wouldn't like me, I wouldn't want to date someone who was still close with their ex but I know I feel that way and just wouldn't get involved. She knew the situation from the start so it's not like it's been sprung on her, she knew what she was getting into and made the decision to pursue the relationship. I don't think I should be on the receiving end of her insecurity though.
I guess I'm just feeling uncomfortable with the thought of someone who so clearly dislikes me around my child and also feeling very protective of my daughter.
but it's true, I don't get to decide. It's shit

OP posts:

Fullsomefrenchie · 11/05/2022 22:40

Thatnightmsreex · 11/05/2022 22:38

I've met her briefly a couple of times, it was very frosty. I can understand why she wouldn't like me, I wouldn't want to date someone who was still close with their ex but I know I feel that way and just wouldn't get involved. She knew the situation from the start so it's not like it's been sprung on her, she knew what she was getting into and made the decision to pursue the relationship. I don't think I should be on the receiving end of her insecurity though.
I guess I'm just feeling uncomfortable with the thought of someone who so clearly dislikes me around my child and also feeling very protective of my daughter.
but it's true, I don't get to decide. It's shit

Oh op, you’re not over him are you? He’s with her now honey, you need to accept it, she’s not insecure, he doesn’t want to be with you, as a pp said you don’t need to like her, all you need to do is accept he is serious about her now, you can’t stop it and it’s best for you if you try to accept it

how long ago did it end?

Shelby2010 · 11/05/2022 22:44

You need to play the longer game - never say anything remotely negative about her to your ex. Ask after her nicely at drop off / pick up. If she’s jealous about your co-parenting relationship, she may start trying to stir trouble, life will be easier if it’s obviously only coming from her.

Original poster

Thatnightmsreex · 11/05/2022 22:44

So she's told him she's threatened by how close we are / how much time we spend together so it's not completely in my head 😂

we are still close and I do care for him a lot. We have had conversations about getting back together but that's not what I wanted. But maybe I also selfishly didn't want anything to change from us getting along very well as single people

OP posts:

Fupoffyagrasshole · 11/05/2022 22:45

Honestly find something else to do with your time than to worry about this. Its not really your business and there’s nothing you can do if he wants to introduce his daughter and girlfriend.

im not sure why you even care that she’s been frosty with you.

you are making assumptions that she thinks this and that about you with zero evidence.

it sounds like you are the jealous one tbh

Original poster

Thatnightmsreex · 11/05/2022 22:48

There is evidence of her being rude / borderline hostile to me. I haven't gone into detail because i already feel this thread may be too outing.
maybe I do seem like the jealous one
honestly I had the best of intentions when I met her. I wanted us to get along. I don't want there to be negativity when this woman is going to be a part of my daughters life

OP posts:

Eucalyptusbee · 11/05/2022 22:50

quietnightmare · 11/05/2022 22:37

In the kindest way ... tough. What can you do ? Make your ex choose? You might not like the answer. Perhaps look to yourself and ask why are you bothered ? Sounds like your not quite over him. Being amicable is the best option. Good luck

Agree with this assessment. Reading between the lines sounds like it's the him being serious rather than her as a person problem.

SarahProblem · 11/05/2022 22:52

OP you don't get to decide this.

You've made a decision you don't want him. Let him be happy and rise above any perceived hostility.

Wednesdayafternoon · 11/05/2022 22:57

When your daughter meets his GF it won't change anything. You will still be her mum, you can still co parent as you are. She won't drift away from you and the partner won't be a new Mum.
I know how hard this is, I'm a single parent too. Maybe you need to really think about what it is that bothers you...
Is it the fact that you don't like her personality
Are you insecure about your own role
Are you worried about how your daughter will react
Do you worry about feeling left out
Etc etc etc.

Once you figure this out you can then try and accept and move on.

Sending you lots of love ♥️

StCharlotte · 11/05/2022 23:03

I don't think I should be on the receiving end of her insecurity though.

Sorry OP, it sounds like it's the other way round as well.

Also, you're displaying classic dog in the manger behaviour. You can't have it all. Let him go and concentrate on co-parenting well but that needs to be the extent of your relationship.

Tinyleopard · 11/05/2022 23:04

Thatnightmsreex · 11/05/2022 22:44

So she's told him she's threatened by how close we are / how much time we spend together so it's not completely in my head 😂

we are still close and I do care for him a lot. We have had conversations about getting back together but that's not what I wanted. But maybe I also selfishly didn't want anything to change from us getting along very well as single people

Do you know this because he's told you?

I think you need to back off for your own sake. Friendly co parenting is fine, chatting about his girlfriend's feelings.... No.

Do the best thing for your daughter, let it happen, be amicable, live your life. If she's kind to your daughter you can't want for much more ime.

worraliberty · 11/05/2022 23:06

I don't think I should be on the receiving end of her insecurity though.

And yet you want to put her on the receiving end of yours?

These things are always difficult but all 3 adults here should try to focus on the most important thing, and that's your child. It'll be no good for her if the 3 of you are being petty.

And believe me, you and your ex may get on really well now, but that's likely to change if you and her start a war with each other.

PriestessofPing · 11/05/2022 23:09

He should not have told you she felt threatened. That’s inappropriate and not information you need to know. That to me shows she’s right to feel threatened because she should expect to be able to discuss how she feels with him without his ex knowing about it.

Sounds to keep like you were ok with him dating so long as you two were still emotionally close, especially as he wanted you back. Now he’s starting to move on for real and you don’t like it.

Fullsomefrenchie · 11/05/2022 23:13

You do come across as jealous and insecure and wanting to be with him and trying to justify your position. I suspect you dislike her simply because he’s fallen in love with her and is serious about her. This is clearly not about her ability to care for or be round your child. It’s because he’s picked her and you are going to weaponise your child to try to stop it.

you need to try to move on op. Have you tried on line dating?

WindyKnickers · 11/05/2022 23:13

It's hard but you have to let go. Your children are not your possessions, they get to have an equal relationship with their father and he makes decisions about who he introduces to them, just like you do. You'll get through it in the end.

Jalepenojello · 11/05/2022 23:15

You have to accept that some things are outside of your control. Her father has equal parental responsibility to you so you have to leave this in his hands.

Original poster

Thatnightmsreex · 11/05/2022 23:17

Thanks everyone, I know I'm not in the best place so that's why I wanted unbiased opinions (as hard as they are to read)
I think I'm going to leave it here tonight, have got a lot to digest

OP posts:

Thatboymum · 11/05/2022 23:27

I really don’t feel like you are insecure or being controlling, your thoughts are totally reasonable and valid to you, it’s super scary when a new partner comes into the dynamics it sounds like you trust your ex with your daughter and as hard as it is you need to trust his judgment, if she has a problem with you then that’s her issue keep doing what you guys are doing and let her do her, I think your worried that she may be negative about you around your child and I get that I’ve been there but trust that your ex partner will not let that happen. I tried my heart out to have a great relationship with my ex’s new partner however she struggled as it was actually my ex making her feel insecure about me rather than anything I done and in the end he broke both mine and the new gf relationship down where now she does speak poorly of me around my son and he hates it, I have no direct contact with either now but I still speak very positively about her to my son as he’s all that matters. Give this a try paint on a smile at handover and be the bigger person it will hopefully pay off. I think the fact your worried just shows how fiercely you care about your child x

AskingforaBaskin · 11/05/2022 23:40

Thatnightmsreex · 11/05/2022 22:44

So she's told him she's threatened by how close we are / how much time we spend together so it's not completely in my head 😂

we are still close and I do care for him a lot. We have had conversations about getting back together but that's not what I wanted. But maybe I also selfishly didn't want anything to change from us getting along very well as single people

So he's shit stirring between you two?

ElenaSt · 11/05/2022 23:46

You don't want him as your partner but whoever he meets you are going to put up barriers with them saying they are frosty or insecure etc as you don't want him getting close to someone else.

Maybe take a step back from being so close to him regarding anything other than the care of your daughter and letting go of your feelings for him.