Would you think this a difficult run of events for a child or just a variation of normal?

[amiasnoflake]

Child in question growing up with older family members so maybe adds context as to why there's a bit of bad luck on health front.

• Child discovers much adored (kinship care) "mum" very ill after a small stroke on the floor in the middle of the night at age 7, terrified she is dying. But all is ok thankfully.
• Unfortunately she is in hospital a on and off for next few years with heart and other health problems but manages really well in terms of day to day looking after the child.
• Child develops type 1 diabetes at 11
• Mum develops cancer the following year. Thankfully there is treatment that holds it at bay for a few years, but it's spread already which child knows. Child vividly knows what untreatable cancer looks like, due to seeing tumours on dying family friend.

Child begins to experience chronic anxiety around health and medical problems at an early age. Goes to school and has hobbies and some friends and lots of fun etc but anxiety is just there. Things get harder and more complex as the Mum's cancer returns when she is at uni, alongside own struggles with type 1 diabetes. Gets a serious eating disorder, which thankfully she conquers. But has major depressive episode when Mum dies in her twenties.

Does this person simply lack resilience? If so why did they find it so difficult to navigate life shit and why do other people navigate their problems more successfully?

What is the missing ingredient? Simple grit?

What is lacking and why?

Does this person simply lack resilience?
No - that is a huge amount of shit for anyone to cope with, let alone a child. Depression is an illness just like any other, and not a sign of weakness or lack of resilience.

What is the missing ingredient?
Some people can shrug life's challenges off and find it easier to manage ingoing challenges. Others can't. It isn't a missing ingredient - everyone reacts differently, particularly to bereavement.

What is lacking and why?
Support and guidance, maybe? I think this person (you?) could really do with some counselling, which would go a long way towards helping come to terms with the sequence of awful childhood and early adulthood experiences.

That's a huge amount of trauma for a child and I think it really isn't surprising that there are big after effects .

There's that phrase "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" - I think often it's completely untrue! Maybe some people find it comforting when they're going through something tough but I didn't find it any comfort and think sometimes it makes you feel bad if you have gone through something hard and still feel raw/brittle/struggling from it.

This annoys me. Particularly in schools. What is 'resilience'? Is the child facing all sorts of difficulties who keeps turning up and trying hard but who's really anxious less resilient than the child with no difficulties at home who turns up and does well?
I've deleted the rant I'd typed about this.
You're still here. You're keeping on. You are resilient. You've had no choice.

That is a huge amount to get through and over and some of it you never will. BUT - in spite of everything, you have known the love of a family, have had good role models and can go on to build your own life, taking your positive experiences with you.

Thank you, again.

Yes, it is me and that was my history. I did have counselling a few times, and some was very helpful. I got my

Posted too soon by mistake.

I got my Masters degree after going for some counselling with a very nice, attuned counsellor. She was great! It was five or six sessions with a bereavement charity. Nothing very long or involved but it really helped me at that particular time.

The reason I posted is I did process a lot of my "stuff" and in some ways I am doing very well, in a very loving marriage, have strong friendships, for example. But due to some new life events some stuff has come up again, and I think I need to go back to counselling.

I feel like I needed some kind of validation that things were difficult "enough" for me to justify needing to go back to therapy - ridiculous I know, as nobody needs to justify wanting therapy. Though I suppose needing that validation in itself is reason enough...

Yes things were bad enough for you to go therapy.
There is a very scared little girl inside you and she needs healing. .
I hope you find that healing and help.

I think by "own it" you mean, don't talk about it in such a vague way, like it's not clear it happened to me?

I've alway been very matter of fact when talking about things. I do talk about it in the first person in a normal conversation, but have to stay a bit detached from it. Because if I don't, it makes me really, really sad and threatens to overwhelm me.

Then I think I need therapy and start looking up therapists. But when I calm down and feel ok again I just feel like I was being a total drama queen and making a fuss, and there's nothing really the matter.

So, I generally try to be matter of fact and detached.

But I guess I thought I had healed? How can I still have more healing to do?

When does it end

The thing about trauma, is it's very easy to lock it away and distance yourself from it but unless it is confronted and healed, it will always be lurking under the surface awaiting the opportunity to bring the pain back, as raw and as painful as it was at the time
Which is where therapy comes in, it is there for you to have a supportive person while you confront that pain, work through it and heal it.

you sound amazing, op. Sometimes new experiences “ stir the murky pond” and bring past to the surface.
please explore counselling to help you.

Trauma has many levels and it probably is not possible to remove all traces of the scars it leaves you with, six sessions of bereavement therapy while helpful, would not have gotten to the layers and layers that wil be inside you.

Be kind to yourself op, the process of healing can last a lifetime. You're doing great and you've been through such a traumatic time.
Take one day at a time💐

All I can say from my own experience is that you can go awhile with things being ok and you think you’ve healed and then something happens that triggers old feelings and the further away from the original incident you are, the worse you feel because a) people expect you to be ‘over it’ and b) you wonder if you’ll ever be ‘over it’.

I’m not sure you ever do fully get over some things. You sound like you’re doing well on the whole so don’t worry about little blips. You’ve had a hard time and you’re entitled to feel down about it but you owe it to yourself not to let it totally ruin your future. All the best op.

This isn't typical but thats not really the point.

If you are talking about resilience then its person specific rather than situation specific. So each person will be able to "take" so much. Don't be hard on yourself and if you are struggling no matter what you have or haven't been through you should never feel this as a barrier to seeking help.

One of my favourite quotes...

"(God) never burdens a soul with more than it can bear"

Being matter of fact and detached is a trauma response.

It's you in managerial mode.

You're holding it all at bay because you're afraid it will overwhelm you if you start to address it

I really recommend specialised therapy for trauma and abandonment.

@amiasnoflake do you use an insulin pump? If not, might be worth looking into…? My 2 DCs with Type I (in their 20s, got it when they were 6 and 7, switched to pumps as young teens) would both say it has revolutionised their lives.

Obviously that's only one aspect of the traumas you have suffered, but it could make that side of things easier at least.

@thing47 Hi yes, I do have a pump and agree they are amazing wishing your and your kids all the best going forward. I can't imagine how tiring managing two children of 6 and 7 with it must have been, especially at first!

Does this person simply lack resilience? If so why did they find it so difficult to navigate life shit and why do other people navigate their problems more successfully?

No, trauma is more complicated than this. There's no "shoulds" about how it affects you. I have faced far, far less than this in my life and still struggled badly with mental health. You sound very strong, OP, to have gone to counselling, to be looking at going again. You can be both basically okay and still need help. I think we all need more psychological help than we get. Sounds like you may also have been dealing with some early trauma in terms of birth parents, and we're still learning about how that affects kids - though I don't know your story of course. Maybe instead of any one bout of therapy ending the sadness think of it as a kind of course correction, which you may need multiple times through your life, but which doesn't invalidate all the work you've done to be okay, or mean that you're not coping.

Maybe instead of any one bout of therapy ending the sadness think of it as a kind of course correction, which you may need multiple times through your life, but which doesn't invalidate all the work you've done to be okay, or mean that you're not coping.

Oh my goodness @Eastlyne this just seemed to make something click in my brain. This is such a great way to look at things!

Didn't even realise what I was doing, but I was basically scolding myself for having a nagging feeling that I want more counselling - like I shouldn't need it anymore, as I've already spent plenty of time dealing with my stuff, ruthlessly confronting some very painful things and coming to terms with it. And genuinely am much better than I was when I was depressed, for example.

But it's ok if I'm not 100% ok.

Maybe therapy can be like a knee support bandage that runners wear sometimes, if they have are susceptible to damage because of an old injury.

But they can still run fast!

I have found that feelings about past events, that I thought I had worked through and dealt with, have a habit of resurfacing, and I need to deal with them again. It seems to be like house work, or maintenance, that needs to be done in order to keep myself in good working condition.

Oh absolutely there is a lot of difficulty here- my children have had a difficult traumatic childhood for reasons beyond our control and I think you just have to accept this has an impact later on and comes up more than once as you move forward. I think having therapy is a good idea at any time you are stuck, upset, traumatized, or just need a listening ear that isn't your good friends, so you should not feel bad at all for 'needing' therapy- you would manage without, but life could be better with, so please do go for it.

I think that's a very good analogy.

I think when you experience trauma from a young age and have an unsettled home-life then you can detach and disassociate. Counselling does help but as you go through life, incidents or feelings can resurface. You can become aware of triggers that you didn't know you had.
You can look at your experiences as a child, then look at them again as an adult, when you have a loss, live through a pandemic, when you're a parent. It's like viewing it through a different window each time and that different view can show you something else that counselling can help with.
You deserve to go to counselling, OP