Would you think this a difficult run of events for a child or just a variation of normal?

[amiasnoflake]

Child in question growing up with older family members so maybe adds context as to why there's a bit of bad luck on health front.

• Child discovers much adored (kinship care) "mum" very ill after a small stroke on the floor in the middle of the night at age 7, terrified she is dying. But all is ok thankfully.
• Unfortunately she is in hospital a on and off for next few years with heart and other health problems but manages really well in terms of day to day looking after the child.
• Child develops type 1 diabetes at 11
• Mum develops cancer the following year. Thankfully there is treatment that holds it at bay for a few years, but it's spread already which child knows. Child vividly knows what untreatable cancer looks like, due to seeing tumours on dying family friend.

Child begins to experience chronic anxiety around health and medical problems at an early age. Goes to school and has hobbies and some friends and lots of fun etc but anxiety is just there. Things get harder and more complex as the Mum's cancer returns when she is at uni, alongside own struggles with type 1 diabetes. Gets a serious eating disorder, which thankfully she conquers. But has major depressive episode when Mum dies in her twenties.

Does this person simply lack resilience? If so why did they find it so difficult to navigate life shit and why do other people navigate their problems more successfully?

What is the missing ingredient? Simple grit?

What is lacking and why?

I’m guessing this child is you? That is a lot of trauma for a child to go through, not normal at all. Have you received any psychological support?

Does this person simply lack resilience? If so why did they find it so difficult to navigate life shit and why do other people navigate their problems more successfully? no this person has simply been dealt a shit hand in life.

What is lacking and why? lacking in what sense? Luck? I guess. They've been very unlucky.

Not sure it's anything to do with resilience. Is this you, OP, and you think you're lacking it? Because I don't see that at all. I see a genuinely very difficult childhood and someone losing their mother figure very young, and of course that will have an impact. 'She' sounds bloody resilient to me if she was able to go off to uni etc. q

There is a whole catalogue of difficult life experiences listed here that most of us won't have had to navigate. Then in addition, the circumstances that led to the kinship arrangement. I think this would test most of us and I do not think that there is a lack grit or something missing.

There's an extra layer on this that is skimmed over - Kinship care says to me that the child isn't with their bio mother for one reason or another.
Twenties is really young to lose your Mum too.

That is not what I'd class simple 'life shit' which for most at 20ish might be a shitty boyfriend, crap job, uni stress or strained relationship with parents.

It sounds like this person has been through a huge amount of grief.

I don't think "why?" is necessarily a helpful question here. Some people have a difficult childhood and develop anxiety and depression and depression, some have a tough time and don't, some don't and do, and any other possible combinations. Is it important why person A did and person B didn't? The important thing IMO is to treat or manage the symptoms as well as possible (medication, therapy, exercise etc) to give the person the best chance at a contented life.

Jesus Christ that is a childhood of trauma right there. Why would you think anything else? As a child there is generally no one more important in the world than your mum and to have gone through all that with her while then developing your own health worries to contend with......well. Nothing is lacking OP, you got dealt a shitty hand and you're still trying to cope with the fallout from that (assuming the child is you). Children need to feel safe and secure and through no one's fault you didn't get that.

Be a lot kinder to yourself OP, you've been through enough without beating yourself up over it.

That’s a hell of a lot for a child to go through.

i know someone who was brought up by their grandparents and without any of those health issues just the emotional trauma of being sent away caused numerous mental health problems and an ED

So it's you op? Yeah that's shit. Own it though.

Thank you for your replies.

There is that phrase "Everyone you know is frighting a hard battle you know nothing about" so it can make it hard to know what is normal, for want of a better word, or what is a bit much.

Fighting, not frighting, ffs

"Resiliance" comes from stable foundations and that's a lot of uncertainty from the original living arrangements, personal health, and health of a mother figure. Most people won't experience the latter until theirs 30s to 50s when they've got more life experience and independence and don't experience the former at all. It's not a normal combination to occur early in life, and it's not surprising if it longer term affects mental wellbeing and outlook on life and requires support such as bereavement councelling.

Be kind to yourself.

Nah, that's not a normal level of stresses on anybody, never mind a child.

Type I involves huge changes and has an emotional impact on children even without the other exceptional adverse childhood experiences you list - not being with a birth parent, seeing a family member die, your Mum being so ill.

www.diabetes.org.uk/guide-to-diabetes/your-child-and-diabetes/first-reactions-child

That link gives the sort of information that might not have been around at the time of the diagnosis - there's also jdrf.org.uk/information-support/newly-diagnosed/support-newly-diagnosed-children/ and these days, children can access support through their Diabetes Nurse (I know somebody who was referred very recently as they were finding it hard after 7 years, particularly for them because they had also just received a Celiac Disease diagnosis and was struggling with the additional restrictions and their impact of 'something else going wrong').

In addition, it doesn't sound as though there was any Young Carer support, possibly because it was too long ago? Or because there was a fear of being taken into Care?

Any one of those ACEs could have been enough to have longlasting effects - but there were at least four, five if it was possible that the ED had its roots in the teenage years.

So no, there's no shortcomings in that young person's/now adult's character. They had a shitload of horrible stuff to deal with and, as an adult, health anxiety or anxiety in general seems to be a totally 'reasonable' response to so much health related stressors and losses.

I don’t think there is a ‘normal’ though. And I think a lot of people go through a load of shit but some are better at hiding it/masking it than others so it might seem that people are coping better than you but behind closed doors it’s not necessarily the case. No one’s circumstances are ever exactly the same either so comparing isn’t very helpful.

If the child in the op is you, then, yes, you’ve been through a lot but it doesn’t really matter what others are going through or if you do or don’t lack grit or whatever, if you’re struggling then it’s understandable. Be kind to yourself and get help if you can.

What you've described is life altering trauma.

This is not something you just suck up and get over.

'Resilience' simply doesn't come into this picture.

That's all incredibly hard and not a common childhood at all.

I would very surprised if they/you were struggling to cope with all of that and would expect they/you would need a lot of counselling and support to come to terms with it all.

Blimey. Nothing lacking at all! That’s a hell of a lot to go through. Type 1 on its own is hell that I have experience of and only just coping let alone all the other stuff!

I’m sure you know about this, but look up adverse childhood experiences - this child has experienced many and that is without considering what led to them being in kinship care in the first place. We may not consciously remember things that happen when we’re young, but the body and brain retain the experience of them.

if it is you, be kind to yourself.There is nothing lacking in you as a person, but you have been hugely shaped by these traumas. If you feel comfortable with it, maybe consider some counselling. Check the BACP website for a list of counsellors/therapists in your area.

Why do you think you are lacking resilience? I wouldn't say you are. You have experienced an awful lot of trauma so it's normal to have some anxiety.

Sounds like a very understandable consequence of some very difficult life events to me. Sounds like that person had a huge amount of determination and resilience (beating an eating disorder when they have Type 1 is pretty bloody amazing on its own, without the rest of it). i can’t imagine many people growing up with that stuff without some psychological consequences at least.

I'm actually crying for you OP. That was a massive amount of stuff to have to deal with when growing up and you should feel no shame for finding all of that hard to deal with.
Have you got the income to engage in serious analytical therapy?
It helped me massively, two sessions a week for 14 months.
Be kind to yourself you've had a really huge amount of stuff to deal with .
I hope the future holds better things for you.

No, that’s more major life ‘stuff’ than most people endure in a lifetime. As a parent of a child with type 1, I know that just managing that on its own is a huge undertaking and requires huge commitment to do it even badly! It is misunderstood massively by the average person and it’s assumed you just need to inject insulin and all is well. If only, eh?!

if it’s you, OP. Be kind to yourself. You deserve it.

I’m sorry you have been through so much trauma. I am in my forties and have not experienced as many difficulties as you did as a child. I’d actually say that you have done really well to come through these issues- you do have great resilience! Have you heard of the ACE tests? Childhood trauma seriously affects our ability to deal with lots of things later in life. You have dealt with a lot, try to be kind to yourself and value your significant achievements ( overcoming an ED for example, uni and school success ) .

This is an absolutely huge amount to go through. I dealt with very serious and life threatening, emergency illness in a parent when I was 17 and although they survived it had a lasting impact on me and that’s just one thing at an older age. All these experiences will impact on the way the world is viewed and how safe the world is seen to be. If this is you, you’ve been through so much, be gentle and seek the support of a good councillor to help you to unpack everything you’ve been through.

No this is not normal. This poor girl. I think she would benefit from therapy perhaps. Best of luck to her