Anyone watched 'Your mum& Dad' on BBC4 -about intergenerational trauma

[itsnice]

Sorry for the long post.

I am in 40s and my childhood trauma has impacted many aspects of my life because my family is enmeshed and still dysfunctional.

dm had trauma in her own life too, so I have mixed feelings towards her - of sympathy, wanting to help as she doesn't take care of herself and also upset with her as she still gets difficult and says unkind things if I complain.

In my younger years, I was sent to live with gps a few times. They were demanding and controlling to the point of not allowing to go out with friends.
For many years, I excused my neglect and abuse (feel guilty writing this word) as I knew it was not intentional and in their heart, they meant well. But for minor things, GF thew water on me as he was hot-tempered.

I grew up feeling responsible for dm and still do. But my childhood and early adulthood years have had massive impacts on my personal life, as I wasn't allowed to develop friendships, I became people pleaser and attracted people who preferred followers to friends. It impacted my work-life despite being very good in education as I was an alien when it came to working with people. So I left jobs with anxiety when I was supposed to work closely with people.

Today I regret not having kids but as a child as I never prioritised my personal life and stayed stuck in family drama.

All these years, I pretended this is normal, and didn't tell anyone about it but today I feel anger and regret. Same time I feel guilty as dm had trauma in her own life. Has anyone been able to get over it and lead healthy life.

I liked the profile of a therapist but just found out she has reviewed her own clinic with 5 stars on google. The clinic has over 25 therapists and out of 50, 2 reviews are by clinic.

Dr Bessel (Body keeps score) advises against therapy and prefers Yoga.

What has helped you in overcoming childhood or intergenerational trauma? Is there any point or should I accept it?

Some people find Christianity useful; there is power in the concept of forgiveness. Prayer.

Not for everyone but helpful for many.

There is always a point in attempting to overcome it.

Lots of things help me. Looking after my physical and mental health are top, recognising that I can put boundaries in place with my family and it doesn't make me a bad person or prevent me from supporting them. Learning to put myself first has been a big one.

I could have written your post! I have started therapy. I'm about 3 months in of weekly sessions, and it really has changed my life. It's very difficult and I go through every emotion while I'm there.
I don't think yoga or mindfulness cures childhood trauma, as you have to reparent yourself. I understand the concerns about the therapist you've seen putting their own review, but sometimes you need to look at a few before you find the right one. You deserve to heal, OP.

OP - have you heard about this treatment?
www.webmd.com/mental-health/emdr-what-is-it

I have cut off those who were continuing to bring trauma into my life which has helped a lot. I am currently unable to work or leave home for more than a few days at a time but I am pushing myself to develop new skills. I am fortunate that financially we are ok without me working so I just come across as a SAHM to DS and others.

I am in the process of organising an appointment with a psychiatrist and going forward I want to give trauma focused CBT and EMDR a go. My number 1 priority is to protect my DS from it and so far he is a happy, secure, loving boy. I don’t want it passed down more generations.

Dr Bessel is a therapist, he doesn't advise against therapy, but says that working in connecting with your body is also important alongside therapy.
It sounds like you have a lot to process, there are many therapists out there - some better than others but you can find one who is the right fit. Have a browse on the UKCP and BACP websites, many offer a twenty minute free initial conversation- speak to a few to get a sense of the process and then take it from there.
I am sorry if I have got the wrong end of the stick but from your post it looks like you have looked up one therapy practice, which has dodgy reviews, and so have written off therapy as an option for you.

There is a new book by Julia Samuel about family dynamics and trans generational trauma - I haven't read it but her previous books are very good.

Your feelings are understandable, I hope you find a way that works for you to process them

You may find it useful to read about an approach to intergenerational trauma that is enshrined in something called the Hoffman Process.

My dh found this Pete Walker book very useful Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving: A GUIDE AND MAP FOR RECOVERING FROM CHILDHOOD TRAUMA https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1492871842/ref=cmswwrcppapiii_Z52Q4PDTGWNG1Z256ZT3

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I believe Pete Walker also has a website with links to lots of good, relevant stuff.
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There are other books that dh had also found good but that his main one.
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He also saw a very good counsellor (privately) for a number of years (recommended by our GP). Only stopped seeing her at Christmas.

My brother had EMDR for childhood trauma and it was hugely effective. I'd definitely recommend.

Thanks for the link.

Van der Kolk doesn't advocate against therapy, he says that regular CBT (rather than trauma-focussed CBT) isn't helpful for most childhood trauma, same for therapists who aren't trauma-informed.

He also doesn't prefer any old yoga for victims of trauma but trauma-focussed yoga. It's adapted to not include certain poses that may be triggering and the teacher is trained to help people whose bodies are impacted by previous trauma. You have an intake interview with the instructor before joining so they know you and the type(s) of trauma you've experienced. My experience of that is that the teacher needs to be unlike most yoga teachers and able to work with a group, rather then just lead poses. I would do one run by an experienced therapist who offers it (after training), rather than a regular yoga teacher with the training.

EMDR is good. But fucking hard.

One therapy that doesn't often get a mention is schema therapy. It's similar to internal family systems but has the advantage that it's been around longer so had more research.

The bottom line is that no single event caused the trauma so no single therapy will process it all. The best one is the one you feel most comfortable with, but even more importantly, you need to feel a rapport with the practitioner.
You sounds quite savvy too (checking the reviews), so you can absolutely ask a potential therapist where they trained, how long they've been in practice, whether they get super vision, or peer supervision/intervision and what their work with trauma involves. If a therapist is not comfortable answering these, run!

Forgiveness has been mentioned. Maybe with adding that it's entirely unnecessary to your recovery. It can actually be freeing to know that you don't have to forgive anybody in order to heal. If you're religious and it forms part of your view on the world, it definitely can be helpful. But even then it's not necessary.

I spent years trying to forgive, to really understand what forgiveness means. At the end of the day, it'a something difficult to pin down and not worth the effort for me. I didnt think my perpetrator deserved all that attention and effort really, even if the point was to make me feel good - they were in my thoughts a lot just to attempt to forgive. Now they're out of my head.

What day/time is this on please?

Thanks so much to all the posters for your comments.
@daretodenim You are right, it's trauma focussed Yoga. Sorry, this was the third time I was writing the post as the first 2 times my laptop crashed, so I didn't write clearly.

@Whyamisointerestedinthis The documentary was on BBC2 on Tuesday evening.

www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/m001771t/your-mum-and-dad-a-devastating-truth

Also, I don't find religion peaceful as my gm was a very religious lady and had very rigid and punitive ideas around it. I find myself anxious in religious places.

@bumpertobumper In this video, he described therapy sessions for trauma as yapping.

He is not a therapist, he is a psychiatrist, who has done a lot of research and studies in trauma, especially the development trauma. Thanks so much for recommending Julia Samuel. I just had a quick look at her website and she seems very good. I relate to what she says about the family. I am still interested in therapy, just want to make sure I go to the right one as it's such a waste of energy and money otherwise. I had tried EFT-tapping therapy, it wasn't helpful. It made me feel worse for the rest of the day. Also, the therapist took advance for a number of sessions to offer a better rate and then took an extended break to do some courses and refused to pay me money for 2 remaining sessions. So I was forced to take them after a gap of 6 months. The reason I mentioned this practice is because, after a lot of researching and therapists not taking new clients, I finally felt I found the perfect therapist for me as she specialises in complex trauma everything she wrote on her profile looked like a good fit for me.

Thank you to those posters who have recommended EMDR. I have read about it. I am trying to find a therapist who also offers EMDR. @HairyScaryMonster Was your brother only doing EMDR?

@prettybird thanks for the book suggestion. I have read this book. It's good. I think finding a good counsellor is very important. Would you mind if I ask you the name of the counsellor?

@HoboSexualOnslow Thank you so much for writing about your experience. I am happy that you are recovering. Please can I ask you what kind of therapy you took or information about your therapist? I have been looking for therapists for a long time, and most of them are not taking new clients. I would also be open to sessions on zoom.
@shropshire11 , thanks so much. Never heard of this, will look into it.

@Kat1953 agree with you about self-care and boundaries. It's nice to hear that you are doing better now.

@DreamingofItaly2023 good luck 💐

Some people write it about it, sophie willan just won a bafta for a show she wrote, about her traumatic childhood and life experiences - 'alma's not normal'.

@itsnice - she's in the Glasgow area but dh says she's retired now (he must have worn her out )

I have a lot of respect for Bessel Van Dee Kolk, but many others would disagree about his views on talking therapy regarding trauma. Judith Herman is equally well respected in the field and advocates long term relational therapy for certain types of trauma. Her book Trauma & Recovery is very worth reading.

Personally and professionally I’ve seen talking therapy change lives immeasurably when dealing with trauma - the right person with the right approach can make the world of a difference.

Hello :-).

Thanks for the TV recommendation. I'm going to watch this evening.

I'm currently in therapy for childhood trauma. I've just attended my 4th session and I've found it really helpful. I found a therapist on the BACP website. I just put the area I lived in and childhood trauma in the search. The lady I chose seemed v experienced and I knew within 10 minutes of meeting her that we could work together but I was prepared to keep meeting other therapists until I found the right one. She's a humanistic / person centred therapist. She works with children as well and is experience with bipolar. The root cause of my trauma is my mum who had bipolar 1 so it was really important to me she had an understanding of this.

She's created a really safe space for me where I feel I can talk to her about anything. I honestly felt during our introductory session she'd stepped into my head and was able to almost mindread everything that was going on in there without judgement which was an unbelievable relief.

All the words you're using, 'guilt', 'anger', 'regret' are so resonant. A big word that comes up for me is 'shame' even though I recognise I've done nothing to feel ashamed about. Making connections from the anxiety that rises up in me today to everything that went on in my childhood has been really powerful and my therapist has given me a technique that uses these connections to help me step away from my anxiety - this has been more powerful than yoga, breathing etc.

Keep looking for a good therapist. Don't give up. I went to a taster session about 6 years ago with a different therapist and it knocked me for six. Within 15 mins I felt the therapist was judging me and then, as I spoke 1 sentence about my trauma (which barely scratched the surface), she started crying. I just couldn't deal with it at all, I wanted to run. So yes, if you don't hit lucky at first, keep on trying.

I wish you the very best of luck.

Oh, and as for forgiveness, for me it's never going to happen and I'm fine with that.

Thanks for the recommendations @Momicrone and @Jellycatspyjamas

Yes I also feel that talking therapy with the right person can be very helpful.

@GoodWithCats thank you for post. I can relate so much. Yes, I felt ashamed for most of life, and to some extent even now. Glad you have found someone who is helping you.
My father was an addict and stole from family but DM never left him.

@prettybird thank you for checking with your husband. I will keep looking.
I am glad I asked her. There are so many positive stories, it makes me feel hopeful. Thank you to all the posters here :)

It’s a long old road and I’m still working on it mid 40s. I have had a LOT of therapy and to be honest I think a lot of it was actively unhelpful. But I go some nuggets of wisdom. I have read a lot. Journalled a lot. I’ve also cut all ties with most of my family which I think was essential.

it has wrought havoc on my career and personal life but I’m actually quite optimistic for the second stage of my life to be honest!