Aibu to think a 5 year old can remember misbehaviour a day after the incident

[Willthisgobadly]

Child not caught in the act, but found out a day later. Can they understand a punishment that obviously hasn’t been given immediately? No sen.

Of course they can. Children know right from wrong at a much younger age than 5, and will understand that you are punishing them for a previous missdeed that has just been discovered.

Of course they can.

Yes but they may not care as it's nothing to them now, so the penalty may fall on deaf ears.

Yes, probably. Though less so if they didn't think of it as being naughty, if yswim?

But I agree with the other poster that it might be less effective to address it a day later, especially if there is no physical evidence. I would still talk about it but maybe not in the same way.

At 5, yes. Much younger than that and I wouldn't have confidence in the child being able to make any meaningful connections.

Punishments at the age of 5 isn't something I opted for though, but I guess that word means different things for many of us.

Yes my DS age 3 would be able to, so I'd say definitely a 5yo

A child can remember and discuss behaviour at earlier ages than 5.

YABU to talk about "punishment" though, and are you sure they knew the action was wrong? Guns blazing "punishment" type of approaches teach kids that it's ok to express anger in the same way, so first things first you should calm down. Your goal should not be inflicting upset as revenge, it should be to stop them from doing something like that again by learning from the incident. If they broke or damaged something and hid it for example, then have a chat about what happened, why they didn't show you, why it matters etc. At that age, you need to connect consequences very closely to actions e.g. throw a toy, it's that toy which gets put away / hurt someone understand the upset caused then say sorry to the person.

No, not in the sense of being able to recount a detailed and chronological account of whatever happened.

And even if they have a glimmer of an accurate memory of what happened (unlikely), it's going to be a highly 'personalised' account in their head.

This is not them being dishonest. They genuinely do not see cause and effect very clearly, and are self centered as a natural part of development. They are good with words and can justify most poor behaviour with excuses such as, "He made me do it because he was humming/tapping his foot/whistling and I told him to stop". But they do not always have insight into why hitting their brother wasn't a good idea or what alternatives there might have been in the given moment.

It sounds as if you are locking horns with a five year old, maybe feeling frustration with behaviour?

There are a good few books out there on child development and what you should expect at different stages.

It would be helpful to know what it was that the child did.

If as MRex suggests it's a case of breaking something and hiding it, then I would venture to say that there is generally a good deal of frustration expressed by the parent on a regular basis, which has caused shame or fear of punishment. Or a good deal of, 'Whoever did that drawing on the wall had better tell me soon or their will be wigs on the green!'

Taking something that wasn't theirs and eating it or using it up - again, maybe the child hears No a lot.

Any shame or fear a child is showing needs to be taken seriously. It represents a less than optimal relationship with the parent. A child should be able to feel a 'Yes' will be forthcoming from a parent a lot of the time. He should be able to tell a parent about breaking something without fearing WW3 will break out.

I would talk about it with them, but not punish. My DC would mentally have 'moved on' from the naughtiness, so would be a bit bewildered to suddenly be punished if he was now being 'good'. So I'd have a discussion about what I'd found, why I was upset and how we should behave going forward but leave it there.

This! My natural reaction if I break or spill something is to hide it because of the way my mum reacted to accidents with anger and disappointment.
The consequence of my lack of coordination could have been fixing, replacing and clearing up, or discussing how it happened, instead it was being berated whilst trying to fix/clear it up. I got so used to being told no that I stopped asking.

Why ate you jumping to "punish" a 5 year old?

A "punishment" is just a negative consequence.

Not ever imposing negative consequences punishments is how we are ending up with entitled badly behaved kids who grow into people who can't take ownership of their own poor decision making and cope with the negative outcomes it produces.

This! My natural reaction if I break or spill something is to hide it because of the way my mum reacted to accidents with anger and disappointment.

I find this odd. My parents are the same, it didnt result in me hiding stuff, it made be much more careful and cautious in taking care of my belongings.....

I think there's more to it if you are hiding stuff you break as an adult

InChocolate we trust. I absolutely agree with you.

That's a fear based view (the view that the world is being overrun with hordes of poorly socialised children).

It's a good thing for children to grow up trusting that the adults in their world are in control of themselves and can judge accurately between things that are big and things that are small, and are capable of approaching misbehaviour as a teaching moment but also a listening one. It gives them a feeling of deep security.

There may be more to it, or maybe my parents were more extreme, or maybe different children react in different ways.

I didn't say I still do it, just that it is still my first impulse, I have to stop and think to overcome it. It feels very liberating to just pick up broken glass and put it in the bin, or buy a new tea cup without berating myself.

"Punishment" is generally seen as stricter, more authoritarian and less compassionate than "consequence" which is probably why people are picking up on it. If it was "just" a consequence then that is the word to use.

Child psychologists I've worked with said consequences and rewards needed to be fairly immediate to have a strong effect on behaviour, this was for slightly older kids 7-9.

A 5 year old with no send smacked my kid at school- pretty badly leaving a mark: my kid didn’t tell the teacher as shy , I told the teacher that eve who spoke to the boy the next day who couldn’t remember doing it… teacher seemed to accepted that so nothing was done

No, "punishment" means a penalty suffered as retribution. A linked consequence is fine, inflicting upset on a 5 year old unconnected with the incident is not effective and can be simply cruel.

It’s a friends 5 year old. She kicked my pet. She’s been told and told and told by myself, and my friend, to leave my pet alone.

My friend said I should have been watching, and she can’t do anything about it now. I only know because my adult daughter witnessed it, but didn’t tell me at the time.

i wasn’t baby sitting btw. Friend was in the house. My view is SHE should have been watching and it’s not too late to give consequences for this behaviour.

Your friend is not going to punish her daughter.

You need to accept this and move on

Well the consequence that I would give is that friend and child are no longer welcome in my house. I can see why you are particularly emphatic in saying punshment though but honestly if the parent has that attitude I don't think the child will benefit from a single consequence from her behaviour especially as it doesn't seem to be a one off.

No, I would argue in this case that it is too late for anything more than a conversation.

Having said that, if this child regularly kicks your pet, the answer is one or a combination of a) not letting child into your house b) insisting on much closer supervision from your friend at the time c) ensuring that any adults in your house feel empowered to react immediately when such an event occurs.

nephew hit DD in the face a little while ago. DS, 11, saw it and was the first to tell nephew off. Your adult dd should absolutely not have just let this slide for tittle tattling after.

Surely the ‘punishment’ is that your friend’s daughter (and possibly your friend?) are no longer welcome in your home?