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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to think a 5 year old can remember misbehaviour a day after the incident

46 replies

Willthisgobadly · 10/05/2022 23:39

Child not caught in the act, but found out a day later. Can they understand a punishment that obviously hasn’t been given immediately? No sen.

OP posts:

Magenta82 · 11/05/2022 12:03

Your adult daughter should have acted like an adult and said something at the time.

It is too late to "punish" the 5 year old, but you are entitled to impose consequences, such as not haing them back.

Magenta82 · 11/05/2022 12:03

*having

TiredButDancing · 11/05/2022 12:07

Magenta82 · 11/05/2022 12:03

Your adult daughter should have acted like an adult and said something at the time.

It is too late to "punish" the 5 year old, but you are entitled to impose consequences, such as not haing them back.

Yes, this. And it's probably the most effective. After we had an incident with a child who had a habit of hurting DD purposefully and it being brushed off by his parents on the basis that "it's just rough and tumble" or "he's sorry, so it's all over" (and to be 100% clear, this was particularly frustrating as the child himself would admit that he was doing it on purpose, usually because she didn't want to do whatever it was that he wanted to do), we got up and left in the middle of an event. The parents, obviously, thought we were totally precious and being OTT. But interestingly, the child, on subsequent interactions (it's family, so there's contact) has been a LOT better behaved.

I have no idea if his parents say to him, "ooh, Tired's family will be there and you know they don't like t if you play normal games so be extra gentle with TiredDD..." or whatever. But we do know that he hasn't hurt DD since. So we consider it a win.

Original poster

Willthisgobadly · 11/05/2022 12:20

Adult daughter didn’t tell me because she said what’s the point, friend doesn’t do anything anyway. Adult daughter told friends child off and removed the pet.

OP posts:

Magenta82 · 11/05/2022 12:22

So your daughter dealt with it appropriately at the time. What else do you want to happen?

Original poster

Willthisgobadly · 11/05/2022 12:29

I want my friend to watch her daughter properly and deal with this ongoing issue, or don’t come to my house.

OP posts:

UnbeatenMum · 11/05/2022 12:30

You say no SEN but it's not typical behaviour for a 5yo to kick a dog. Most children either love animals, aren't bothered or are frightened and stay away.
Personally I'm a fan of natural consequences - in this case something like she can't see the dog next time she visits because you don't want the dog to get hurt. Or she has to stay where you can see her at all times. Obviously the Mum needs to cooperate and back you up.

milkyaqua · 11/05/2022 12:33

I want my friend to watch her daughter properly and deal with this ongoing issue

Well she's not going to do it if she hasn't already, so you need to keep the pair of them out of your house, for the sake of your pet.

Marcipex · 11/05/2022 12:38

Don’t have the child round again. That’s the consequence.

I’d have given the child a rocket at the time, but it’s too late now.

BlackeyedSusan · 11/05/2022 13:02

Kid was "punished" if told off by your daughter.

I would be wary of letting them back though.

Original poster

Willthisgobadly · 11/05/2022 13:54

I will be keeping the child out of my house. All of this has already happened, and been decided. Just wanting others views/dis/agreement really.

friend is absolutely raging, leaving somewhat abusive voicemails. Saying I’ve overreacted etc. IMO she’s been given chances and hasn’t imposed consequences so I’ve imposed my own.

OP posts:

Goldpaw · 11/05/2022 13:59

Yes, you're absolutely right to impose your own consequences. I wouldn't allow them back to my house either, particularly as this isn't a one off.

10HailMarys · 11/05/2022 14:05

A five-year-old can certainly remember what they did yesterday. It's a kid, not a goldfish.

But in the particular example you've given, it's not your child and it's up to your friend to decide whether she punishes her kid. You've made your feelings known and it's her choice from now on. I wouldn't be having the child coming to my house again though, and I probably wouldn't feel very well-disposed towards the friend, either.

Your adult DD absolutely should have said something there and then, though. What kind of adult watches a child kick a pet and says nothing to the child?!

10HailMarys · 11/05/2022 14:06

You say no SEN but it's not typical behaviour for a 5yo to kick a dog.

I'm afraid kids who haven't been taught any better will absolutely be horrible to animals. SEN is not a factor.

Triffid1 · 11/05/2022 14:08

Willthisgobadly · 11/05/2022 12:20

Adult daughter didn’t tell me because she said what’s the point, friend doesn’t do anything anyway. Adult daughter told friends child off and removed the pet.

I think you have every right to limit this child's presence in your home, but based on the above, it's completely unreasonable to expect your friend to be further punishing the child 24 hours later. She was told off. Dog was removed. If further consequences were needed they should have been done at the time.

Deciding that if your friend doesn't watch her child she's not welcome is a different thing entirely and a perfectly valid choice. However, doing it so blatantly is unlikely to lead to a happy result with your friend so you might need to accept this friendship is over.

Magenta82 · 11/05/2022 14:12

You are perfectly reasonable to stop them coming to your house, if your friend objects she is an idiot who should have better watched her child.

Marvellousmadness · 11/05/2022 14:44

A 3yo could. So yeah of course a 5yo could.

milkyaqua · 11/05/2022 15:14

friend is absolutely raging, leaving somewhat abusive voicemails. Saying I’ve overreacted etc.

Yeesh. Guess the aggression is modeled and imitated in that family.

mathanxiety · 11/05/2022 23:05

Has this child kicked the pet before or have you told the kid to leave the pet alone because you've seen fascination for the pet leading to getting too physical, or have you seen signs your pet isn't comfortable with the child?

Is it possible the pet nipped or scratched the child?

Does this child have a similar pet at home? No pet at home?

Children of five can get too excited if they're up close to an attractive animal. That's why I put my cat into my bedroom with the door closed when small children visit. The temptation to poke and pull and treat the cat like a stuffed animal is too much, and for the sake of everyone concerned I simply put temptation out of the way.

If you know this child has a problem behaving around your pet then I think it's on you to put the pet away for the duration of the visit.

Children can't always be trusted around animals. They get too excited.

mathanxiety · 11/05/2022 23:08

Adult daughter told child off and removed the pet - this was exactly the way to deal with the situation imo.

Yes, it's upsetting to think of your pet being kicked, but for everyone's sake you should put the pet away if the child isn't able to exercise restraint around it.

Hope your pet is ok

mathanxiety · 11/05/2022 23:13

You are being unreasonable to create the rift which you have now caused with your friend.

You can't insist on a mother punishing her own child.

What happened was partly your own fault as you left the pet exposed to this child's behaviour when you knew what the child was like around the pet.

It's probably hard for you to back down at this point, but you should try.

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