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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my baby would be better with a different mum?

53 replies

lostandalonewithbaby · 10/05/2022 19:27

I'm not a good mum. I genuinely believe my little one deserves better. Has anyone felt like this? Have you ever seriously considered handing your baby over to someone who can do a better job? It breaks my heart but I am so bad at this.

OP posts:
josil · 10/05/2022 19:31

@lostandalonewithbaby I'm sure you're not as bad as you think. A Lot of parents seem to be harder on themselves than they should - why do you think you are so bad?

RichardOsmansXraySpecs · 10/05/2022 19:32

Why do you think you're not a good mum?
I'm pretty sure a bad mum wouldn't be feeling the way you are and coming on here to ask Flowers

Original poster
lostandalonewithbaby · 10/05/2022 19:32

It's hard to say why, I just have a constant feeling that I am letting her down. My mind constantly tells me I'm shit at this and she deserves better.

OP posts:
Eddiesferret · 10/05/2022 19:39

How long since you have birth OP ?

mummyofrb · 10/05/2022 19:39

@lostandalonewithbaby hey lovely, my SIL struggles with this feeling with her baby. She was given counselling and support from perinatal team and it turned out it stemmed from issues in her own childhood! She isn't naturally maternal and was thinking of giving her baby up before they were born. I'd contact midwives or health visitor and they will be able to help you💕

OwlBasket · 10/05/2022 19:41

Och sweet pea. That sounds like PND speaking. How old is your baby? Do you have support? Practical? Emotional?

being a bad parent isn’t something bad actual parents tend to worry about Flowers

DramaAlpaca · 10/05/2022 19:42

I felt like this at one point. It turned out that I had postnatal depression.

I recommend a chat to your GP or Health Visitor.

Original poster
lostandalonewithbaby · 10/05/2022 19:44

I had support with the perinatal team but they've now discharged me because baby turned 1 last month and I don't know where to turn now. I've asked HV for help and GP but i'm not sure what they will do to help. I have a lot of trauma from my past which is the reason I'm struggling.

OP posts:
teaandtoastwithmarmite · 10/05/2022 19:45

Oh lovely I'm sure you're not letting her down. PND or not we have all felt like that at some point. Motherhood is bloody hard work. Maybe try writing down at least one nice thing a day. Maybe she said she loved you (if she's older) or smiled at you. You will be her world trust me.

Original poster
lostandalonewithbaby · 10/05/2022 19:45

When I feel this bad I convince myself that handing her over to someone else is the best thing. I don't know who. I just know someone out there can do better than this.

OP posts:
mummyofrb · 10/05/2022 19:47

@lostandalonewithbaby aw hun do you have a local children's centre? They usually provide support. My SIL was sent to classes that helped bonding as she sometimes felt as though she wasn't her babies mum. There is definitely help out there and you're doing so well for trying to find it already. As a pp said people who are actually bad parents often don't worry about it!! X

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 10/05/2022 19:47

I'm sure they can't. Is her dad around?

Original poster
lostandalonewithbaby · 10/05/2022 19:52

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 10/05/2022 19:47

I'm sure they can't. Is her dad around?

Yes he lives with us.

OP posts:
Twizbe · 10/05/2022 19:54

Did you post the other day about being discharged?

Speak to the GP and get referred to other adult MH services.

Because you're worried, you're a good mum.

cadentiasidera · 10/05/2022 19:54

Yes, I did feel like this, and I had awful post natal anxiety. Thankfully I got help, I remember wailing to my GP that I needed to find a better mummy for my daughter, and that I couldn't do it. Please talk to someone - GP, health visitor... do you have a family member who could come and support you when you talk to your GP? I was referred to the perinatal mental health team and things did (eventually) get better. It's such a hard time, but you put it really well when you said "my mind constantly tells me..." - at the moment your mind is lying to you. I really hope you get some help, feel free to PM me if you'd like to. 💐

Giveitall · 10/05/2022 20:04

Lots of us worry that we could do better, be a better mum. I know I did during the early years.
Nobody gives us a handbook which tells us how to do it. Most of us muddle along as best we can and it works out fine.
The fact that you’ve shared your concern with this community is a step in the right direction. I’m sure you’re doing very well & are a loving and caring mum to your baby.
Have faith in yourself and take advice from the professionals but believe me, anyone seeing you with your baby wouldn’t give it a second thought that you could be anything but a great mum “in training.”
Sending a big motherly hug and hope you’ll soon feel better. Were here for you.

quitefranklyabsurd · 10/05/2022 20:08

Oh lovely one first of all you are the best person to look after her! Second of all have you told your partner how you feel? It sounds like you need lots of support right now. Push your gp and hv for help or ask your partner too. X

Bryonny84 · 10/05/2022 20:11

lostandalonewithbaby · 10/05/2022 19:45

When I feel this bad I convince myself that handing her over to someone else is the best thing. I don't know who. I just know someone out there can do better than this.

I know you feel awful but there just isn't anyone out there that can do better than you. You are mum. Sending hugs because I don't know you but I wish I did so I could hug in person. Take other posters advice and get some help to get over this. xxx

Original poster
lostandalonewithbaby · 10/05/2022 20:30

Thank you everyone. I hate these thoughts as they are so convincing, someone said my mind is lying to me, that helps a lot actually. I will try to remember that.

OP posts:
Penguinsmum · 10/05/2022 20:35

I certainly feel like this....not all the time...but often. But for your little baby the one person they love most is YOU. You are unique and special to them and can't be replaced.

cadentiasidera · 10/05/2022 20:41

Sorry, I've seen your update about being discharged from the perinatal service. But you are still feeling bad and you still deserve and need help. Can your partner help you keep pushing for the GP and/or health visitor, sometimes you have to be very persistent which is really hard?! Also have you looked into Home Start? They're an amazing organisation that may be able to help you. They run support groups but also train volunteers who can visit and support you 1:1, a couple of my friends had this and said it was so helpful.

TolkiensFallow · 10/05/2022 20:43

Your baby adores you and thinks you are her whole world. Who could be better than that?

MadameDragon · 10/05/2022 20:45

You’ll always be the only mother she wants. Nobody could do it any better than you.

ISeeTheLight · 10/05/2022 20:46

As per PP advice please keep pushing for help from the GP.

Also have a read about the "good enough mother" theory. You don't have to be perfect and in fact it benefits your baby if you're not. Don't put too much pressure on yourself.

Notthissticky · 10/05/2022 20:50

Sweetie, you sound depressed. Please get help as a matter of some urgency. There is no one in the world your baby loves more than you, in fact, you are her world. Your mind is indeed lying to you. From my experience, GPs do listen if you contact them with these kinds of concerns. You've not done anything wrong but you need and deserve help. I hope you feel better soon xxx

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