To think my baby would be better with a different mum?

[lostandalonewithbaby]

I'm not a good mum. I genuinely believe my little one deserves better. Has anyone felt like this? Have you ever seriously considered handing your baby over to someone who can do a better job? It breaks my heart but I am so bad at this.

It's good that you've sought help from your HV and GP. Don't let them let you down, keep persisting if they don't offer the help you feel you need. My DH is having counselling for some of the decisions he makes and he experienced severe childhood trauma. His counseller said to him (I was there too), that people who have experienced a difficult childhood or trauma, will process things very differently and it takes time to work through.

I don't have anything particularly helpful to say, but when I am struggling I have a few tactics, maybe a bit qwerky.

• I focus on an object, eg a tea towel, and I hold it and I say to myself, this tea towel is here. This tea towel is real. Everything will be fine. And I focus on it and try to block out the noise I am feeling in that moment. Its a goof strategy if I'm feeling stressed or very anxious.

• I write down my worries on post it notes and stick them up on the wall. When I'm no longer worried about it I throw it away to remind me that I will move on from the specific worry. In your case, not "I'm a rubbish mum" but "I think that i can't get my baby to stop crying and someone else could".

• I try some deep breathing. I breath in through the top of my head (imagining) and out through my nose, in through my head and out through my left shoulder and repeat with my right shoulder, then tummy, then left foot, then left foot and then in and out through tummy. It helps to calm me.

These are things I do in moments of panic of anxiety so maybe not appropriate for you perhaps.

Fwiw, I'm sure you're not a bad mum. I think most parents feel pretty hopeless and it sounds like you're also dealing with a lot of emotional difficulties as well. So actually you're probably doing an amazing job!

Are you getting enough sleep? Is there anyone in real life who can help you? The fact that you're thinking about what is best for your baby is a good sign. I think you feeling better would be good for you and your baby. Nobody is perfect. I felt like a terrible mum when I was depressed with my DS and looking back I wish I'd gone for counselling but it did pass eventually. Meeting with other mums at baby and toddler groups and having a moan can be useful even when you don't feel up to it- there are usually a few others who have dragged themselves there feeling rubbish. Hope there is something like that near you. Good luck.

Hello OP just read your post and felt I should reach out to you like the others. I do agree....the fact you are worried you aren't a good mum actually makes you a really good mum for wanting the best for your baby. I have 4 children and it was my last that something triggered and I went through the same. 3 years on and I'm so glad not to mention proud of how far I came. Go back.to your GP or HV and really stress to them how you still need support and should not be left ro deal with this alone. I hope your partner supports you but understand some past traumas we don't like to talk about. It wasn't until my baby was 1 or so that I broke and thought I'm not right this isn't right....a type of PTSD feom the birth (very fast not even 10 mins and thought I was going to die) turns out after counselling it was PTSD from when I did almost die as a child just by someone saying that I felt the cloud lift and it all made sense! I so wanted to adore them and give them the best but I had such anxiety and stress it was horrendous. Apart from the talking therapies and perinatal support I had no one else and my other children just looked on in horror. I felt I'd failed them and I cant even go into the awful dark thoughts I had bit you can imagine. 100% post natal depression with PTSD and a baby that screamed from the second they were born. I feel like I'm coming out of the other side now it's taken alot of time and we are so so close my absolute little buddy who doesn't leave my side. There will be light my lovely I promise you that but please please do not take no for an answer and book you GP or HV appointment tomorrow!! Big huge hugs 🫂 we are all here for you if you ever feel low. You are a mother....you made a human....you're amazing....you've got this👍

Yes. It was post natal depression that mil and dh recognised then got hv and gp involved. The intrusive thoughts are the worse

I am moved to tears by some of your kind words. I don't have the words right now to say what I want to but thank you from the bottom of my heart for lifting me up. I am watching my baby sleep and I realise that she needs me and that I am her world. I will get help and get better for her. Thank you all so much xx

Hey op. I felt like you for years. I had undiagnosed PND. It was difficult for me to access help because by the time I asked for it, she was about 2.5-3. What I did get help with was the underlying cause of my state of mind (horrible upbringing causing huge confidence and anxiety issues). I went to my local IAPT service and they suggested intensive counselling - 12 sessions instead of the usual 6. Honestly, it changed me massively, helped me get out of the rut I was in and enabled me to come back to myself, and realise that my daughter needed me, not someone else. It was really bloody hard, but I am now due my second armed with that knowledge.
Would something like this help, do you think?

@stimpyyouidiot

I am hoping that the GP can refer me for something else. The perinatal team were my lifeline. I don't think it's right they can just discharge you because your baby has turned 1, even if you're not ready. It's just like being dropped and suddenly you have no one. ☹️

Ahh OP feelings are not the truth necessarily. You might FEEL like you are not a good mum but that doesn’t mean it’s objectively true at all. Your little baby loves you so much, please keep pushing for the help you need

You're right, I didn't know that they would just discharge people rather than at least helping them to access further support. I had help from Talking Therapies which was hard but useful, CBT sessions which helped me challenge my negative thoughts and understand that they weren't true. You can self refer - more information here: www.nhs.uk/mental-health/talking-therapies-medicine-treatments/talking-therapies-and-counselling/nhs-talking-therapies/

And this is Home Start that I mentioned, I think your health visitor could refer you but it also looks like you can find your local group and contact them directly? www.home-start.org.uk/

I really hope you can get help soon, you shouldn't have to feel like this, you are clearly a good mummy who just needs support.

@cadentiasidera

Thank you so much for your help. I will look at the links you sent. Honestly it's like wading through treacle most days, my head is fuzzy and there are tears in my eyes, I'm struggling to think straight. I will contact them today I think. Going to keep asking everyone and anyone until someone helps me.

I’m sure PP have touched on all of this but you have PND and you need support with this. If you have trauma from your past, having a child brings all of this up, even if you’re not consciously aware of it. Feeling guilt is definitely part of being a mother but when you feel it this intensely it is a sign of depression.

if you can afford to I would get into private therapy ASAP. With someone who has experience with PND and trauma. If you aren’t already, I would consider antidepressants. Start on a low dose, You don’t have to be on them forever. View them as the scaffolding that needs to be put up to start making repairs on the house. You need it to make the changes but it can be taken down once done.

@lostandalonewithbaby How's your day been? It's yucky weather here today which doesn't help, I always found those days harder. I totally get what you mean about wading through treacle, that's an expression I used a lot!

Just wanted to check in and also a pp mentioned about anti depressants - I was reluctant to go on them (despite having taken them in the past and come off them) but I did when it became clear they were necessary to get me in the right place to be helped, if that makes sense. I needed both the drugs and the counselling, and it's ok if that's what you need too.

I hope you have experienced moments of light today. My counsellor advised me to write down anything, even silly little things, that proved my negative thoughts wrong, e.g. I washed my baby's clothes, I gave her a lunch which she liked, she smiled at me etc etc- counteracting/ challenging my belief that 'I am a bad mum'. I wonder if this might help you. I found when I wrote it down I could then look back when I found myself believing the lie, and it helped me challenge it and change my thinking, bit by bit. Xx

It’s so easy to feel overwhelmed with a baby. I did.
Could any of these help?
www.home-start.org.uk
www.familylives.org.uk
www.family-action.org.uk
www.barnardos.org.uk

Perhaps just phoning one and talking might help.

Just to reiterate what pps have said. This is depression speaking; it is not the truth. You are the best mother your baby could have. 💐

You dont seem to have given us much real evidence of being a dreadful mum. And if you were, the HV team wouldnt have dropped you; they'd have referred you to another arm of social services to make sure your baby isnt in danger.

My conclusion is, you're a good mum - potentially a great one - who needs help and support. It's factual.

Also one day your little one will crawl onto your lap and tell you they love you, and it will make it all so worthwhile. (Of course 5 minutes later they will hate you and have a tantrum because you won't give them a lolly for breakfast, but you will see past that nonsense and insist on porridge again.) Parenting - not at all easy. Good luck xx

OP your baby loves you - the look of you, the smell of you, the sound of you, you are her literal universe and no one could ever replace you or be better than you in her eyes.

Looking after a baby is hard! So very very hard! The truth is no one really knows what they are doing with a baby. Sometimes all you can do is think well I fed her, I cleaned her, I cuddled her and tried to help her sleep, I’ve done all I can do 🤷‍♀️ if she needs to wail for a while then I guess that’s the plan.

OP, I used to be a Childminder and have been through my support resources to see if I can make suggestions for support.

Mind have a Web page called "talking therapy and counselling", which includes details of free or low cost talking therapy with charities. They may also be able to suggest some advice of how to seek help if you call them.

If you have an employer who offer an Employee Assistance Programme it would be worth investigating.

There's a website called No Panic and they have a free telephone helpline where you can talk to someone. They also have lots of relaxation techniques on their website.

Netmums offer a parenting course if this is something you might find useful, although it seems to be temporarily paused at the moment.

Help Guide have a web page called "emotional and psychological trauma" which includes details on how to deal with trauma recovery.

I have more specific support but I don't want to include a lot of irrelevant info.

I know the above isn't really what you need but may help while you are waiting for your GP.

Just checking in @lostandalonewithbaby , hope you're ok. Still here if you want to talk. You are a wonderful mummy. 💐

@cadentiasidera

Thank you so much for checking in and for sharing those strategies with me. 💕
I actually tried making a mental note of the things I do for my baby that go against the horrible thoughts that I'm a rubbish mum - like yesterday I made bee favourite tea of lasagne, bathed her and cuddled up with her whilst she fell asleep, and today I took her shopping to get her feet measured and to get some new shoes as she's taking her first steps ... and it honestly does help to remind myself that a bad mummy wouldn't do any of those things. So I can't possibly be a bad mum, right?

@Neverreturntoathread

Your first sentence lifted me so, so much. I even screenshotted it so future reference. Thank you. 💕

To everyone else who has shared links and sources of help, or just offered kind words, from the bottom of my heart - thank you. It means more than you all know. Xx

Sorry that was supposed to have paragraphs in it! It did when I typed it, not sure why they disappeared 🙈

If you were a bad mum you wouldn't care about letting your child down. You'd probably be thinking 'I'm acing this!'

The only thing you need to be doing differently is getting some help with these feelings - as others have said, your mind is lying to you.

Keep talking, keep asking for help and don’t look too far into the future. It sounds like you are being a great Mum regardless of your own mind telling you otherwise. It’s not easy dealing with these thoughts but you are not alone and getting help is the key. The Samaritans telephone help line just to talk with someone on the phone really helped me in times of despair.

You have made the first important steps by reaching out 💞 I couldn't agree more with what PP have said - all of this makes you a great mum! I have to remind myself of this every day after a battle with severe PND and psychosis when my baby boy was only weeks old. It still takes work, but it's so worth it. I just wanted to add regarding counselling, that you are a priority for the service until your child turns 2. So please self-refer and get the ball rolling! I've had the biggest overhaul in my mindset since being a teenager, and I'm only a few weeks in with the therapy. Best of luck 😘 xx

@lostandalonewithbaby I'm so glad you were able to focus on some of those lovely things you do for your daughter. It's so easy to be overwhelmed by the feelings of not being enough, but it can really help to shift your thinking if you think about all the things that show you are a good mum. I love that you cuddled her while she fell asleep, she must feel so safe and loved.

Something else that helped me was imagining what I'd say to a friend in my situation. You'd never accuse her of being a bad mother, or talk to her in the way you are talking to yourself when you say you're a bad mum. Can you try to to talk to yourself in the kind, compassionate voice that you would to a friend?

I hope you've had some good moments over the weekend. Keep talking on here of you want to, and do push your GP/ health visitor etc too! Xxx

Hello @lostandalonewithbaby, I'm just wondering how you're doing. I've thought about you several times since reading your thread, hoping you're feeling a bit better and that you've been able to access some support. Sending love ❤