That DP's parents don't buy me birthday presents?

[ThatsMyJam]

I've been with DP for over 10 years and we have a child together. Over the years we've been together I've received Christmas presents from DP's parents but never a birthday present. For Christmas I'll receive something small like socks or chocolates and just a card for my birthday.

My DP's brother is currently in a relationship with another man who has just posted a thank you to my PILs for his birthday present. They have been together less than a year. I'm aware that DP's sisters ex partner also received at least one birthday present from them during their relationship.

AIBU to feel a bit upset by this? It's not about the actual lack of present but rather the meaning behind it.

I wouldn't expect a birthday present from another adult, short of my immediate family, and I wouldn't give one either. A card, sure.

Odd that they seem to have given them to others though.

I've been with my husband for almost twenty years, his family has never given me a birthday present, they rarely give him one either. It's just the way they are and I don't try to find any meaning behind it.

Thank you for your reply. When I first got together with DP I assumed they just didn't buy for their children's partners which was fair enough and didn't bother me. It is the fact that some of them have received presents which upsets me. In my opinion you buy for all or buy for none.

I wouldn't expect a gift from the IL's. In fact if they ever bring anything over its for me rather than dh. Oddly enough my side do the same. But no, I don't think they are doing anything wrong. Maybe dbs partner bought them something really nice and they reciprocated.

In this case, it does seem hurtful because they bought for other dc partners.
Do you buy them presents? Maybe the dcs partners bought gifts for them on birthdays so they're reciprocating?

I agree it's odd that they are not treating all the siblings partners the same. What does your DP say about it?

It would say to me that you don't need to put any effort (or any finances if you keep things separate) into presents for them - leave that to DP!

That is hurtful.

What's your relationship like with them?

Do you think they ask your DH what you want? And he answers cluelessly?

Yanbu. Presents are the perfect way show how much you're loved, appreciated and a part of the family.

Saying that, not everyone are gift givers. If they gift you socks and chocolates at Christmas then that is pretty thoughtless in itself.

I think I’d be hurt if I found out they did presents for other partners and not me but also it depends on your relationship with them. Those partners might get them gifts etc so the relationship dynamics are different

My PILs have always bought me a birthday present. Similarly, when my DM was alive she always bought presents for DH. So yes it seems odd to me.

Do you get them presents for their birthdays? If so is it presented as being from both of you? Who does the present choosing and buying, you your DH or both of you?

They get presents from me and DP as a joint thing. Normally DP pays for the present but I have contributed in the past and I'm normally the one who buys all the birthday/mothers day/fathers day cards. The presents are given from the both of us and both our names are in the cards.

I guess it's not impossible that the brothers partner had got them presents although it seems a bit unlikely that he'd have bought for the parents of someone he's dated for a few months at most.

They have never asked DP if I want anything. He was under the impression that partners are not bought for either. He has been embarrassed about it in the past as my mum buys for his birthday.

Yeah I'd be pretty hurt too.

My DH would just ask. If he was upset by it and felt like I was being slighted for some reason. Not that id want the gift but my DH would want to know for his own reasons

I wouldn't expect and never got anything from my ILs. I wonder if theyre trying to show your brother in law's partner that they're accepting of his sexuality? I understand it's hurtful to you but in fact is nice theyre accepting of it.

Perhaps they don't like you.

Perhaps they don’t but if I was the OP I would want to know that so that I didn’t waste any more of my time or money on their presents 👌

Stop adding your name to anything for her... Bet her tune changes if you have dc...

I never received a birthday present from my in laws in 20 years, nor have my parents ever given DH one.

is it possible the other partners actually saw your husband’s parents on their birthday? That’s the only situation in which I can imagine a gift from PIL to DIL, based on my own family.

(That said, I’ll definitely be giving my future DIL or SIL loads of gifts- I am incorrigible.)

I have the reverse. My mil will get me chocolates at Christmas, etc but hasn't bought her own son, (my DH) a Christmas present since he was 15 (he's now 41). At Easter she got me a minstrel Easter egg. But fancied the look of the bags of minstrels so opened the box, ate them, then gave me the remaining egg 😅My DH does so much for her, especially since his dad died in 2020. She turns to him for everything (SIL lives an hour away and can't even be arsed to answer the phone when MIL calls), but DH will go round there at her beck and call and she can't even be fucked to get him an Easter egg. He got nothing on his 40th, my own parents gave him £40!
I'd rather my hubby get stuff than me, but no matter what he does, he is still ignored. His sister gets stuff for birthdays though. Some people just have no sense of decency I think.

Not any more you dont. His family his responsibility.

I think it's fine not to have a blanket rule for presents. For example, DP's brother partner might have got a present specifically because it is a newish relationship (and perhaps he bought them personal and not joint presents).

My own parents don't buy me birthday presents but they do buy for my brother's wife. In this case, it is almost definitely because they have a fraught relationship and they are going overboard on the "niceness" to try to compensate.

Hmm you could be right as I think DPs mother in particular was upset when his brother came out. Although that was over a decade ago it could be the case that they feel they need to show they approve maybe?

However it doesn't explain why DPs sister's male partner was given presents at least once though but not me.

Haha! This is probably the reason. Im trying to think of other possibilities but this is the one which seems most plausible.

It’s fine not to have blanket rules for things. Perhaps they saw a little something she would particularly like.

Perhaps she is lovely and doesn’t take things for granted . Honestly you are coming across as a little entitled here. You are an adult after all.